eskimo828 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 I have been talking to a guy for about a month now. We actually met years ago and I thought he was great but he was taken at the time. We recently made contact again. I have never had a guy i have clicked with as well as him. We have very similar interests, opinions and outlooks, he is so lovely and easy to chat to. He was always asking me questions, showing interest, sending long texts and funny stories/pictures. There's also clearly an attraction and some really easy, natural flirting. But, he told me a few weeks ago that as soon as covid allows, he plans on going away travelling for a year. We agreed to just see what happens, enjoy chatting and continue texting. We planned on meeting up soon too. Suddenly, he cut back on the texting a few days ago and then admitted that he didn't feel right about it after all and wanted to cool off on texting. He said he's really had to battle between his feelings for me and knowing what would be the right thing to do. He knows he is going away and doesn't want to hurt me down the line by leading me on before inevitably pissing off to another continent. He said if he wasn't going away, things would be different, but he doesn't want to actively hurt anyone's feelings. He still wants to meet up before he goes though. I'm really surprised at how gutted I feel about it. I've had this niggling feeling that this guy is literally a perfect match for me in so many ways and I feel like I'd regret it if I just let this one pass. I'm also (covid dependent) going travelling next year - I don't have a set plan as such but funnily enough I was always going to go to the same countries as him, which I have mentioned before. But I don't want to make a point of that now because it might freak him out (even though it could really work out!!). So what on earth do I do?! I know he's being sensible but my gut is just telling me this guy is absolutely for me.
Mystery4u Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 He wants to be free to get with girls on his travels so wants to stay single, which is fair enough. He is not in the 'settle down' stage of his life yet. If he was he would see what develops with you first as let's be honest who knows when the whole virus thing will calm down to allow travel like before. Maybe 6-12 months. Not like he will be leaving any time soon. That would give you both enough time to see the possibilities of traveling together when the time comes, if that's what he also wanted like you do. He does not, he wants to have the freedom. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 You do very little. I'd probably share with him that you also had plans to travel & a year is long way away in these uncertain Covid times. Perhaps your roads will merge. It's possible to maintain connections across time & continents for a limited duration but what may happen in the future is no reason to skip out on the now.
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 1 hour ago, eskimo828 said: I have been talking to a guy for about a month now. We recently made contact again. Sorry to hear this. How was contact made, and who contacted who? Are either of out in or recently out of relationships? It seems like he's ok with some chatting and catching up, but does not want to pursue anything. Back away, tone down the texting and get on some dating apps to chat with and meet men. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, eskimo828 said: Suddenly, he cut back on the texting a few days ago and then admitted that he didn't feel right about it after all and wanted to cool off on texting. He said he's really had to battle between his feelings for me and knowing what would be the right thing to do. He knows he is going away and doesn't want to hurt me down the line by leading me on before inevitably pissing off to another continent. He said if he wasn't going away, things would be different, but he doesn't want to actively hurt anyone's feelings. He still wants to meet up before he goes though. At this point, you should have disappeared. He is telling you plainly he doesn't see things going anywhere with you, but that he's still open to a quick fling before he leaves. So many women don't get this warning up front, but here is your chance to avoid being hurt! Take the hint and move along. Edited October 29, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 5
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 He connects well with you, and most likely with other women very easily. He's that kind of guy,.... hard to nail down for a commitment. 5
Author eskimo828 Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 Thanks everyone. It's so hard because I know full well he won't be going for ages with all the restrictions, but there's almost no point me even saying it if he's not keen? I just wish things could be different because I really did like him. I haven't texted him since he sent that, but I reaaaally want to!! I miss talking to him 1
Beachead Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) @eskimo828 Quote But, he told me a few weeks ago that as soon as covid allows, he plans on going away travelling for a year. We agreed to just see what happens, enjoy chatting and continue texting. We planned on meeting up soon too. Suddenly, he cut back on the texting a few days ago and then admitted that he didn't feel right about it after all and wanted to cool off on texting. He said he's really had to battle between his feelings for me and knowing what would be the right thing to do. He knows he is going away and doesn't want to hurt me down the line by leading me on before inevitably pissing off to another continent. He said if he wasn't going away, things would be different, but he doesn't want to actively hurt anyone's feelings. He still wants to meet up before he goes though. This right here is the truth. IIt's absolutely imperative that you see the reality and keep a level head and not let your feelings, blind you into a fantasy. He knows what he wants. He understands the reality of it and he knows this wouldn't work out if you two got together right now. He's not ready to settle down and he knows it. He's got other priorities for the moment that he wants to take care of like travelling, exploring, meeting people and he knows he needs the freedom in his mind to explore all of it genuinely, including possible romantic interests, without feeling trapped in a relationship. If he starts something with you, things will likely end up ugly, as you will cage him. Also, you both need to be around eachother everyday to get to know eachother in a relationship capacity and to learn how to be with eachother as you both live your lives. Instant messaging isn't enough. With him leaving and then you going on your own trip, neither of you will be forced into a lond-distance relationship with eachother and will lose that absolutely fundamental necessity for a successful relationship. It'll kill your relationship. For both of these reasons, long-distance is not going work. Don't entertain it. Take his offer on meeting up before he leaves but make it a lunch or a daytime thing, to avoid anything sexual from happening, which will most certainly, kick your feelings up and generate anxiety/pain. Once you get to that point, you won't be able to turn it off and you may find you won't be able to even handle his presence on social media (If you have him on anything). This will burn you out emotionally. Might lead you to resent him which will lead to problems that might hurt your current relationship with him. For that reason, I say, don't escalate things. Leave it as it is right now. Right now, he is still of sound mind, and actually thinking logically and clearly and has your best interests at heart as well. It is a show of respect to you. Enjoy a nice time together and cherish what you two built thus far. Good, strong relationships take time and effort to build, and part of that effort can include, time apart to allow eachother to be free to do the things you both need to do for yourselves. If you two part ways on good terms and keep your distance, it'll leave the door open. And who knows, in the future, you two may reconnect. - Beach Edited October 29, 2020 by Beachead 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Hmm..........he says he's going away......so if he does, that will hurt. But, maybe he'll meet you and have second thoughts? I guess it depends on whether or not you are a gambler. 1
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) Reminds me of my daughter's first heartbreak. From the start the guy told her he was going to NZ the following year. She thought if she dates him than he'll fall so hard for her he would stay or ask her to go with him. Fast forward 1 year, the guy left for NZ and my daughter was left here with a heart broken in a thousand pieces. She too felt they had an amazing connection...SHE felt an amazing connection. Funny thing though, she unexpectedly came across him a couple of months ago. He left for NZ about 8 years ago. Since then my daughter met a great guy and they bought a house together last December and she's happy as can be. So she calls me to tell me she had come across ex-bf and how she felt so stupid for the way she hung to him back then, she also told me he's now bald and fat....and thank god they moved their separate ways lol. That last bit is not important but what's important for you to understand is there are plenty of other men you'll feel a special connection with and you should not hang on to a man that moves away because of a 'gut feeling'. Edited October 29, 2020 by Gaeta 6
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Hey, at least he's being honest. I'm not impressed with the "great connection." That's very easy for a guy like this to establish, since he knows he has no interest in anything beyond the fun of the moment. You read it every day on this forum - "we've started talking / had a date or two and we connect SO WELL, have everything in common," yadda yadda. This isn't because the connection is so special and unique. It's because one or both people are longing for a connection and convince themselves it's oh so special, usually because the guy is doing and saying everything right to get what he wants. 3 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 10 minutes ago, eskimo828 said: Thanks everyone. It's so hard because I know full well he won't be going for ages with all the restrictions, but there's almost no point me even saying it if he's not keen? I just wish things could be different because I really did like him. He knows this too. As someone who is planning a big trip, he is no doubt watching the pandemic statistics very closely and seeing that the trip he dreams of may be a long way off. No need to remind him. Which brings me to the next point: I think potential travel plans aren't the only reason he's pulling back. It's probably just more palatable than the real reason, ex. a loss of interest, someone else caught his eye, who knows. He's fading out. I would let him do so and trust that whatever the reason, he's not really interested in continuing this. 1
Alvi Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 3 hours ago, eskimo828 said: We actually met years ago and I thought he was great but he was taken at the time. So, why was he meeting other women if he was in a relationship? That would make him not so great I would say. 3 hours ago, eskimo828 said: I have never had a guy i have clicked with as well as him. We have very similar interests, opinions and outlooks, he is so lovely and easy to chat to. He was always asking me questions, showing interest, sending long texts and funny stories/pictures. There's also clearly an attraction and some really easy, natural flirting. But, he told me a few weeks ago that as soon as covid allows, he plans on going away travelling for a year. We agreed to just see what happens, enjoy chatting and continue texting. We planned on meeting up soon too. So wait, have you actually met in person this time around? If all you did was chatting and texting, then it is not real. Sounds more like you've got yourself a pen-pal. Nothing you say or do before you actually meet in person is real life. The only way to get to know someone is to meet and date. He could've told you anything you wanted to hear on a phone. Probably just a fantasy on both of your parts, on yours mostly. He never planned to make things work with you, for him, this all this was, just a way to pass some time. 3 hours ago, eskimo828 said: Suddenly, he cut back on the texting a few days ago and then admitted that he didn't feel right about it after all and wanted to cool off on texting. This is what called slow fading. Perhaps he started talking to another woman or what's not but he is not longer interested in you. 3 hours ago, eskimo828 said: He said he's really had to battle between his feelings for me and knowing what would be the right thing to do. He knows he is going away and doesn't want to hurt me down the line by leading me on before inevitably pissing off to another continent. He said if he wasn't going away, things would be different, but he doesn't want to actively hurt anyone's feelings. He still wants to meet up before he goes though. And here comes the inevitable. This is actually his way of telling you: "This is not you, this is all me, I am not ready to date, but if I were, it sure would be you. But hey, let's still meet and be friends." Another way to tell someone this is not you honey, this is all me. But the end result is the same. He is not interested in taking this any further. 3 hours ago, eskimo828 said: I'm really surprised at how gutted I feel about it. I've had this niggling feeling that this guy is literally a perfect match for me in so many ways and I feel like I'd regret it if I just let this one pass. You believe you would be a perfect match with the guy you met once and who was in a relationship in that time? He wasn't that interested to pursue anything with you this time either. You've build up some unrealistic image of him in his head more it sounds like. 3 hours ago, eskimo828 said: 'm also (covid dependent) going travelling next year - I don't have a set plan as such but funnily enough I was always going to go to the same countries as him, which I have mentioned before. But I don't want to make a point of that now because it might freak him out (even though it could really work out!!). Doubt he would make him interested in you more. 3 hours ago, eskimo828 said: So what on earth do I do?! I know he's being sensible but my gut is just telling me this guy is absolutely for me. What to do? Date other people, preferably the ones who live closer to you. Don't build your entire relationship on the net. Actually, meet as soon as possible to become less attached to someone.
Timshel Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 4 hours ago, eskimo828 said: We planned on meeting up soon too. Suddenly, he cut back on the texting a few days ago and then admitted that he didn't feel right about it after all and wanted to cool off on texting. He said he's really had to battle between his feelings for me and knowing what would be the right thing to do. He knows he is going away and doesn't want to hurt me down the line by leading me on before inevitably pissing off to another continent. He said if he wasn't going away, things would be different, but he doesn't want to actively hurt anyone's feelings. He still wants to meet up before he goes though. I know he's being sensible but my gut is just telling me this guy is absolutely for me. The above has all the nuances and subtext of a man who is not single. I'd check into that if I were you. Also, do tell him that you are available for travel next year, that should be enlightening. 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: Hmm..........he says he's going away......so if he does, that will hurt. But, maybe he'll meet you and have second thoughts? I guess it depends on whether or not you are a gambler. Love the way you worded that! 1
ShyViolet Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 He already made the decision for you. He told you that he can't pursue something with you. So there's no point in you dwelling on your feelings that he's "the perfect guy for you"..... he's not. I think it's very possible that his reason is about more than just his trip. He might be using that as the excuse because it's the easiest one, but he has probably also decided that he's just not that interested. If he was really, truly head over heels into you, nothing would stop him from wanting to spend more time with you. 4 hours ago, eskimo828 said: I'm also (covid dependent) going travelling next year - I don't have a set plan as such but funnily enough I was always going to go to the same countries as him, which I have mentioned before. But I don't want to make a point of that now because it might freak him out (even though it could really work out!!). Whatever you do, DO NOT try to suggest joining him on his trip. I'm sure that his travel plans do not include a girl that he barely knows, and it would be weird to say the least. You are correct that it would freak him out.
stillafool Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, eskimo828 said: He still wants to meet up before he goes though. If he really thought that he would end up hurting you in the future because he's leaving, why would he still want to meet up? So if he sees you, ends up having sex is he telling you this is okay too; or letting you know you two can have sex but he has forewarned you it won't lead to anything? Edited October 29, 2020 by stillafool
snowboy91 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 The "right person at the wrong time" is in reality the wrong person at that point in time. He wants to go travelling for a while, so he wants to do so on his own terms and not need to deal with the expectations of someone else along the way. Even if you did travel together, there are going to be different things you want to see and do. All you've got so far is a sense of attraction and some "feeling" that he is right. While gut feelings are good to determine compatibility from a "chemistry" sense, you shouldn't rely solely on them. I mean, what's to say he won't want to travel again for another year down the track? Or that he has an annoying habit or interest? 2
poppyfields Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, eskimo828 said: We planned on meeting up soon too. Suddenly, he cut back on the texting a few days ago and then admitted that he didn't feel right about it after all and wanted to cool off on texting. ^^ Interesting. So, right before meeting, he "suddenly" decides it doesn't feel right? Sounds fishy. No, it sounds like a load of cr**. I have my doubts he's even going traveling. Happens all the time - things are great, texting, messaging, then right before meeting, suddenly he doesn't feel right about it. Re him going traveling, his plans must have been in the works for weeks or even months, why wait until you're just about to meet in person to tell you he doesn't feel "right" about it? Why start up anything at all? Does this sound seriously legit to you? I agree with Timeshel, he's either married or in another relationship and never had any intention of meeting you, sorry. I'm curious why you believe he's so "perfect" for you? From text and messaging? Sorry to be such a downer, but it really irks me the excuses some people can come up with to avoid meeting. The traveling excuse, I'm starting to think this is written in some players handbook for chatting up women on-line or something. When she's ready/pressuring you to meet, tell her you're going "traveling" for a year. I've read just too many threads and posts from women lamenting about this happening to take it seriously. Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 13 hours ago, eskimo828 said: But I don't want to make a point of that now because it might freak him out (even though it could really work out!!). So what on earth do I do?! I know he's being sensible but my gut is just telling me this guy is absolutely for me. I think that the best you can do is to collect firm/clear contact info... (NOT for the path of his trip... but a bankable email address, and perhaps the addresses of his family {wherever home is} )... and then let this simmer... and each do your traveling... and then get back in touch. If you're young, there is plenty of time. And if he's THAT great, you won't gain anything by going all-in NOW... and could possibly scare him away from you permanently. If you part ways in the near term with a good image in his thoughts... then you just might connect again in years to follow.
boymommy Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 (edited) I met “this” type of guy after my divorce. I thought he was amazing and so perfect! He told me was “moving to Florida” within 5 years so wasnt looking for a relationship (oh its 3 years later and this guy has *yet* to move to Florida! I know because he still texts me to see if I broke up with my bf) Anyway..traveling, moving, ect... Yeah thats code for wanting to keep his options open and bang other girls. There is a reason you “connected” so well. He’s been around the block and learned how to woo women really well! He’s probably a very well versed player and knows exactly what to say to come off sounding sincere. Something I learned early on..if a guy is telling you how great you are but doesnt want a relationship with you or wants to keep his options open-something doesnt add up! Lose this guy and move on! He wants to play the field. Edited October 30, 2020 by boymommy 1
boymommy Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, poppyfields said: Re him going traveling, his plans must have been in the works for weeks or even months, why wait until you're just about to meet in person to tell you he doesn't feel "right" about it? Why start up anything at all? Does this sound seriously legit to you? Because he is just looking for sex but he’s just one of those players that try to look more “legit” like they arent being sleezy and actually want to do right by a girl. They feel like manipulating women who want relationships is a better way to go instead of just finding some skanky easy girl to bang. Or they just think of it as some twisted game. I met a TON of these types of guys who players but trying to pretend they werent! They are the worst! Edited October 30, 2020 by boymommy
Author eskimo828 Posted November 4, 2020 Author Posted November 4, 2020 Guys I am REALLY struggling! It’s been over a week now since we’ve spoken and honestly I’m itching to talk to him. I really miss talking to him because I genuinely felt like we got on so well and he was just a laugh. I think he is genuinely trying to be nice but I’d so much rather speak to him than not speak to him. I’ve been talking to some guys via OLD and whilst nice enough, I do not feel anywhere near as excited to talk to them or have this overwhelming gut feeling. He’s also not been viewing my posts and I wonder if it’s because he likes me so doesn’t want to see them, or because of some other weird reason.
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 10 hours ago, eskimo828 said: . I’ve been talking to some guys via OLD and whilst . He’s also not been viewing my posts and I wonder if it’s because he likes me so doesn’t want to see them, or because of some other weird reason. Ok, he may have deleted/blocked you. Either way he is not interested in continuing the conversation. You need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Don't use OLD for boredom or entertainment. It's not fair to you or whoever contacts you. Instead fill up your life with friends, family, groups, clubs, volunteering, taking classes, work, etc. If you are serious about dating, get a good profile and pics on quality (paid) dating apps and start talking to and meeting local, available, interested men .
poppyfields Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, eskimo828 said: He’s also not been viewing my posts and I wonder if it’s because he likes me so doesn’t want to see them, or because of some other weird reason. I hope this doesn't sound mean but this makes zero sense, I think you know this too. So you create a story in your head to avoid having to face it's over. As some of us have posted, he's not going "traveling," it was an excuse to end things without all the typical drama. I sensed it from your very first post. I'm truly sorry but to quote Watercolors in a different thread, best to face "the ugly truth" that he's moved on and make yourself more available to date men who are emotionally available to you, willing to commit themselves to you long-term. Edited November 5, 2020 by poppyfields 1
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