Starting to feel Unattracted to current boyfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/29/2020 at 12:35 AM, Jane3322 said:

I always confront him on why he has taken so long to get a career, and why he is deciding to do it now

Always on him and you've been dating only 3 months?

OP, you need to stay in your lane. You two have barely dated and you're already becoming a pain in the backside. Check yourself here before he ditches you for being like this. 

[Wiseman2]

No attraction = No relationship. You have the right to your standards and deal breakers, but it's unrealistic to expect him to change this much.

[nibelheim89]

Whatever happened to providing for yourself?

If I was getting  confronted about my financial status after only 3 months of dating I'd be running for the hills quicker than you can say "gold digger".

He appears to have plans in place to advance his career in something he finds interesting, it seems your plan for him is to force him to do something just to keep yourself happy and provide for you.

I'd let him go so he can find someone who appreciates his qualities.

[smackie9]

13 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

We all know that it doesn't work when the roles are reversed.  As long as she's hot, a man who earns a decent amount of money won't find himself "unattracted" to a woman who doesn't earn a great deal.  So long as she's nice and is supportive in other ways, it won't matter.

For women, most feel the need of comfort that a man who can properly provide in the financial sense brings.  Even if she doesn't need his money, many women can't generally respect or find attractive a man whose ambition or earning capabilities don't match or exceed hers.

I know this stuff....I'm 56, from the old world of male/female roles. I posted it because I feel women need to change their point of view and stop devaluing a man based on what he does for a living/financial status. I was born in the era of women's liberation, bra burning. Women want equal rights, well they better realize it goes both ways. It's rather selfish to want it all feeling it should be owed to them.

Edited October 30, 2020 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

I have raised my daughter to not count on anyone else than herself to make her wish come true. She wants a pretty house one day she needs to have the financial stability to go get it herself and that includes all the other dreams she may have in terms of wanting kids, cars, trips etc. 

Finding a man that will be kind to you, day in and day out, is hard to find. Once you find him it shouldn't matter that he's a dentist or a plumber. As long as he works hard, is honest, respects you, protects you, and you can count on him. 

[Beachead]

@Jane3322

Hey Jane,

Your boyfriend has goals, is accomplishing them, and working hard.  He's also loyal to you which is hard to come by these days.  I think your writing this post shows what you value and prioritize in a relationship which isn't what he provides.  His position in life isn't going to change immediately just because you need it to right now.  Putting unreasonable pressure on him, especially when it's only been 3 months isn't fair.  I was on the receiving end of that by an ex, and it really draind my confidence out.  He needs to be with someone who believes in him and supports him in the way up.

If you can't be that woman, you need to recognize it right now, so that he can focus on himself and/or find a woman who can be.  

Don't waste his time or love.

- Beach

Edited October 30, 2020 by Beachead

[normal person]

11 hours ago, MsJayne said:

He sounds like a really nice guy, and you sound like you'd prefer someone who's money-obsessed and shallow. You should set him free so he can find himself someone sincere who knows that money and possessions don't mean all that much. A monkey in silk is a monkey no less. 

You know, people can care about money and the security and stability it can provide without being shallow. It's pretty narrow minded to assume that people who are ambitious, who work a lot, and/or make a lot are simply just "shallow," in my opinion. It's not like OP was lamenting that her boyfriend doesn't drive a BMW or have a Rolex, or possess some meaningless status symbol. All she's really doing is echoing a feeling that lots of women and people have, which is that life is difficult and expensive, and it'd be nice to be with someone whose earning power and career ambitions are at least on par with her own. 

Is money the only thing that matters in life? Absolutely not. Does that mean it doesn't matter at all and that OP is "shallow" for being concerned? Absolutely not, it's still very important if you want a safe, healthy, stable, comfortable life. Wanting to insulate yourself and your family from the uncertainty and ills of the world as best as you can is a basic survival instinct. Odds are you have a job and roof over your head too, because you realized it was better than starving amidst the elements. Also, you don't know everyone's circumstances -- someone could be working their butt off to lift themselves out poverty and provide a safe, comfortable life for their family. Perhaps you should wait until someone does or says something that's actually shallow before you assume they are just because they desire different things, or a different level of the same things.

OP, I think your concerns are valid. Like someone wisely said in a previous post, even if you decide you're "unfair" in your assessment of him, it's not going to suddenly make yourself feel better about the situation. Whether or not it's "fair" is irrelevant. We're all old enough to know by now that life and romance aren't fair to anyone. If things don't improve, you'd likely just become less attracted and more resentful, and to stay in that situation would be unwise for both of you. It's great that he's moving forward, but if down the road you still find yourself unsatisfied for whatever reason, I don't see much sense in continuing on. If you aren't attracted to someone, there's not much you can do about it. At that point, if you think there's more he could do, you could communicate that to him in the gentlest possible way, maybe. 

Edited October 30, 2020 by normal person

[kendahke]

49 minutes ago, normal person said:

All she's really doing is echoing a feeling that lots of women and people have, which is that life is difficult and expensive, and it'd be nice to be with someone whose earning power and career ambitions are at least on par with her own. 

Quote

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months. he is 37 years old and does not have a career yet. He is a security guard for a corporation, lived on the second floor or his parents duplex, and has no credit. He is taking his exam to be a property manager next month, so hopefully that will stabilize a higher income. I always confront him on why he has taken so long to get a career,

Well then she's with the wrong guy for that and he's not going to flip into someone he's not tonight.

He's been showing her for the 3 months they've been dating that at age 37, he ain't that guy. His earning power and career ambitions are not going to eclipse hers right now for at least 6-8 years after he starts getting a degrees or putting in the 10 years it takes for a business to become consistently successful. You don't get rich working for someone else.

Does she have that kind of youth to spend 6-10 years waiting for him to out-earn her? Will her ovaries let her wait that long?

Edited October 30, 2020 by kendahke

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, normal person said:

Odds are you have a job and roof over your head too, because you realized it was better than starving amidst the elements. Also, you don't know everyone's circumstances -- someone could be working their butt off to lift themselves out poverty and provide a safe, comfortable life for their family.

I sure do, I have a very well paid job, and it provides a house, two cars, a swimming pool, overseas travel, and lots of other nice stuff that money can buy. But I worked for it myself because I'm the one that wanted it. I'm happy to share all of it with my partner, (who earns less than I do), I don't expect him to pay for half of it. Nor do I look down on people who earn less or who aren't as motivated to own their own home or whatever, I associate with people based on what sort of person they are, not their earning power. Judging someone for how much they earn IS shallow, and it's funny how many women think it's fine to earn less than their partner, but it's not OK the other way around. I have a right to my opinion and you have a right to yours, but you don't have a right to denigrate other posters because they express a view you disagree with. 

[Miss Spider]

Unfortunately, there’s often more involved in attraction than  being “good to you”:( I’m ‘fraid to say I think you should end it and save both of you guys anymore wasted time 

Edited October 31, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[normal person]

On 10/30/2020 at 4:16 PM, MsJayne said:

Judging someone for how much they earn IS shallow, and it's funny how many women think it's fine to earn less than their partner, but it's not OK the other way around.

You make a great point and that should be discussed here, but your advice seemed as over simplistic and dismissive as your question was compelling. I didn't find her post to be judgmental. She said he was a nice, decent, guy. She "judged" him positively if anything. You can't help who you're attracted to, can you? Is explaining why you are or aren't attracted someone passing judgment? Does it require further justification or hedging of the person's character? There are plenty of wonderful, nice, people out there who lots of others wouldn't find attractive, and plenty of abhorrent ones who many people find stunning. Can't we assess someone's character, looks, financial situation (as well as anything else) independently of each other? If someone is otherwise wonderful but $100K in debt, is it judgmental to hesitate about a potential future with that person? What if they're only $50K, or $10K in debt? Is the answer different? Why? At what point is expressing concern for this sort of thing shallowness, and at what point is it justifiable, if ever? Maybe different people have different standards. Maybe people have different circumstances. Saying OP should be with someone shallow and money obsessed feels like an insinuation that she herself is shallow (correct me if I'm wrong), which seems like an over simplification. I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet. 

 

On 10/30/2020 at 4:16 PM, MsJayne said:

I have a right to my opinion and you have a right to yours, but you don't have a right to denigrate other posters because they express a view you disagree with. 

I'm not sure where you're getting denigration from, I apologize if you feel personally attacked, but what I'm saying is that it seems presumptuous and dismissive to gloss over the complexities of a situation like this by implying the OP is simply insincere and shallow and deserves someone like her -- because that's how your response came off to me. It's wonderful that you have a nice job, life, and your own way of doing things on your own terms, but OP seems to have different desires and circumstances and your implied derision regarding that was more of a judgment and denigration than anything else. Sometimes that's warranted, but it seems the OP came in peace with a legitimate, complex problem, and her concerns are valid just as your opinions are. Our opinions here aren't immune from criticism, though, mine included. It would've been interesting and probably helpful for you to extrapolate on your own. 

Anyways, sorry for the confusion, you did make a good point that I quoted at the top of this post, I'd be curious to hear what OP thinks about it. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by normal person

[Be Cool]

On 10/29/2020 at 6:35 AM, Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone,

   So I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months and he’s such a sweet, good hearted man. He is also a Christian, and is always there for me and takes me out often. The only issue I have is the fact that he is 37 years old and does not have a career yet. He is a security guard for a corporation, lived on the second floor or his parents duplex, and has no credit. He is taking his exam to be a property manager next month, so hopefully that will stabilize a higher income. He is so good to me,  but at the same time I worry about his financial status. I always confront him on why he has taken so long to get a career, and why he is deciding to do it now, since I am his gf. I on the other hand live on my own, have a great salary, and have a goal of purchasing a home(like most people). I am starting to feel unattracted by his financial status, and I am wondering if I am being a typical girl who is never satisfied with a man. Even though he is taking his property management license test next month, I am still worried if in the future it will be enough for him to have the typical life goals of purchasing a home or if his wife ever got pregnant, how will he be able to provide? Am I being unfair?

There are two things I would like to discuss with OP over this matter.

First off, the fact that you are "starting to feel unattracted" to your current boyfriend due to his low income (and hence low social & power status) is not surprising. It's called Hypergamy. 

Secondly, and it's the bolded part. Imagine if you were him. You were living a modest life (abeit not too fancy of course) and totally fine on your own, and then you started dating this woman. And because of her appearance in your life, you decided to step up your life by trying to take the property management license. And what do you get? You get being confronted as to why you have been... poor? 

Young guys should take note on this topic: Women are always looking for providers, whether they realize it themselves or not.

About OP, she has only TWO options:

1/ She ditches this current boyfriend, and find another one who ticks all her boxes.

2/ She stays with this current boyfriend, accepts his ongoing situation, supports him if she can, and stop all the confrontation and complaints.

That's the only fair and reasonable thing OP can do, instead of choosing to stay with him and "always confront him about his lack of a career". That's pure evil, especially when he is deemed by OP herself as a "sweet, good-hearted man".