Jane3322 Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Hi everyone, So I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months and he’s such a sweet, good hearted man. He is also a Christian, and is always there for me and takes me out often. The only issue I have is the fact that he is 37 years old and does not have a career yet. He is a security guard for a corporation, lived on the second floor or his parents duplex, and has no credit. He is taking his exam to be a property manager next month, so hopefully that will stabilize a higher income. He is so good to me, but at the same time I worry about his financial status. I always confront him on why he has taken so long to get a career, and why he is deciding to do it now, since I am his gf. I on the other hand live on my own, have a great salary, and have a goal of purchasing a home(like most people). I am starting to feel unattracted by his financial status, and I am wondering if I am being a typical girl who is never satisfied with a man. Even though he is taking his property management license test next month, I am still worried if in the future it will be enough for him to have the typical life goals of purchasing a home or if his wife ever got pregnant, how will he be able to provide? Am I being unfair?
Cristoforo Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) He has a steady job and is trying to get a better one as he is trying to become a property manager. What does it matter how old he is? It’s not like he’s some unemployed loser with zero ambition. He treats you well. It seems obvious all you care about is money and financial status. If that’s the case then just dump the guy and let him find someone who doesn’t care about money as much as you do. Edited October 29, 2020 by Cristoforo 8 5
basil67 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Jane3322 said: I always confront him on why he has taken so long to get a career I think it's unfair to accept a relationship with someone and then be confrontational with them regarding something you would have known about when entering the relationship. If you can't accept him for the man he is, leave him. I would also venture that as he has accepted your behaviour, he probably has low self esteem. As such the onus will be on you to end it. 7 3
major_merrick Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Jane3322 said: I am wondering if I am being a typical girl who is never satisfied with a man. Even though he is taking his property management license test next month, I am still worried if in the future it will be enough for him to have the typical life goals of purchasing a home or if his wife ever got pregnant, how will he be able to provide? Am I being unfair? In a word, yes. You are being unfair, and you are being the typical unsatisfied girl of our times. Overall, in spite of the propaganda all over the place, the last decade has not been kind to the economic prospects of Millennial men. They earn on average much lower wages than their parents, and lower wages than girls in their age range. We have the weird dichotomy in our society of women expecting to have a great career and tons of opportunities to take care of themselves, then turning around and judging men for being unable to protect/provide in an economy where the hiring demographics are set squarely against them. Believe me, I understand being attracted to somebody who is a high earner, an achiever, etc... But we don't get it all in this life. Not normally, anyways. Your BF is a "good man." He treats you kindly and is considerate. Is that not enough? How do you think he feels about you "confronting" him about his career and position in life? I'm betting it isn't the bright spot in his day. BTW, sometimes, you have to give people some time. Some people just don't get to success as quickly. Others need to change location. My husband spent years working in security, scraping by and barely making a living. He and I were friends from childhood. He married a girl in college, and she had a critical attitude. Grinding him down about why he couldn't get a better job. Eventually, she divorced him. Years later, I know it still hurts. Funny thing is that if she'd just hung on a bit longer, she'd be married to a successful project manager who lives in a large house and makes enough money to support a big family! Just hang in there, and look on the positive things about the person you're with. 9 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 I think the fact that you already feel worried about this isn't a good sign. It's not hard to find accomplished, high-earning men to date, but in my experience, those usually aren't the sweetest, most loving men. However, some women do marry men who are both accomplished and good-hearted - I suppose they're the top 5% of men that most women want. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 To me, the issue isn't if he has a good enough career to support you later on, the issue is that you're becoming unattracted to him for whatever reason. I doubt that, even if you decide you're being unfair to him, it'll result in your becoming attracted to him. However, Major has a great point! You can't always tell which man is going to end up with a high salary and which won't. I've seen some who seem to have no promise get rich and some who seem so promising bomb out. Bottom line, you gotta love him for who he is, not for how much money he makes. Sounds to me as if he may end up doing very well but to be fair to him, you need to be able to give him loving support, not holding him to your own expectations for earning ability. If you can't love him for who he is with or without a large income, then break up with him and find someone you're crazy about. The way you describe him, he won't have a hard time finding someone who will love him as he is. I hope this doesn't come across as if I'm chastising you because I'm not. If you don't love and respect him, you don't. Is what it is as they say. 5
major_merrick Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 I'll add that dating also involves some timing. Adjust your expectations to realize that the way things are now isn't the way things will always be. Understand that it is rare to meet somebody at the perfect time where they have their life perfectly right to match what you want. Also, remember that picking a partner isn't all about you. It is a lot more about what you can give than what you can get. Life has a way of working things out so that by joining forces you end up with more than you would have had alone. When my husband was younger, I had doubts and cold feet. I lost an opportunity because I couldn't settle, always looking for something better. I'm damn lucky I got a second chance! However, I wasted a number of years in the middle and that suffering was mostly my own fault. God has given me plenty of blessings to more than make up for what I missed, but the memory of my mistake will always be there as a reminder. Don't let that be you, remembering a mistake. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Ok, 12 weeks of dating is a good time to observe an incompatibility like this. Dating is for determining if you are a good fit, not trying to fix, change or remake anyone. In this case, your levels of ambition, goals and values do not match at all. At 3 mos. in it's time to reconsider . Set both yourselves free so you can find someone with similar goals, values,etc. and he can find someone who accepts and respects him. 6
Fletch Lives Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Listen to major_merrick! I can't blame women for wanting a man who is successful. Get a partner who has less problems (or as much or more money than you) than you and you'll be better off. However, I think it's important to keep it in perspective - the most important things in a partner are mutual attraction, a good attitude, sanity, integrity, and being responsible (he has a yob, mang!). You'd be surprised how many don't meet these simple yet vital requirements for a good relationship. And living at home is not a big deal at this point - remember, he's a bachelor, he does not have a wife and kids. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Your concerns come across as very materialistic. If you want a house & baby do something so YOU can afford both on your own without any help from anybody. At that point, when you are financially independent you can complain about somebody else's situation. To expect a a man to provide things for you that you can't achieve yourself is gold digging. With him if you have the better job & he has more flexibility sounds ideal for him to stay home & you work. If you balk at that possibility, the problem absolutely lies with you. If he's a nice guy with good Christian values that you admire & share that's a heck of a lot better then a well off man who is mean or self absorbed. You can always make more money. Somebody's character & ethics are pretty much set by 37. It sounds like he's taking steps to earn more so good for him. The idea that you "confront" somebody you have only known for 90 says is repugnant. Who are you to tell him how to live his life? Sure you can talk about it & express an opinion but confront is such a meanspirited word. 8 3
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Neither of you are wrong for being who you are and doing what you do What's really wrong us that you are completely wrong for each other. Don't nag him into being what you want. Have the courage to find what you want. 9
schlumpy Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Considering his inexpensive life style he might have a nice portfolio he's building. How well do you know the ends and outs of his finances? That would be information to share with a long-term prospect and not a trial relationship. Do him a favor and chase the money. What you are feeling will not go away. He will be on the losing end of any lifelong relationship with you. 4
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 It's a cold world out here. If you think you can get better, then go for it. However, think long and hard before tossing out a good man. How would you feel if he moves on with another woman who appreciates him, and you aren't able to find what you're looking for? 3
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) It's very normal and biological for women who want to be mothers to select for men with good careers and incomes so they can raise their own kids without career pressures. This is universal and as old as the hills. Studies show that 80% of women of all ages are not attracted to men who earn less than they do. It's simple biology. Doesn't make them bad people, just normal. Edited October 29, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 5
ShyViolet Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 You have only been dating him 3 months. You are not in a position to start expecting him to change his career path or his financial status. You know what his financial status is, he is not someone who has an amazing career or a lot of money. So if being with a guy who has money is important to you, then you are with the wrong guy. Do this guy a favor and stop wasting his time, end it and keep looking. 1
Ellener Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 18 hours ago, Jane3322 said: he’s such a sweet, good hearted man. He is also a Christian, and is always there for me and takes me out often. The only issue I have is the fact that he is 37 years old and does not have a career yet. Sweetie, assuming he becomes Mr Financially Successful in your eyes, will he still do all these 'sweet' things and think you yourself are wonderful? 3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Studies show that 80% of women of all ages are not attracted to men who earn less than they do. It's simple biology. We want equality, just not too much??!! Seems a bit blinkered to me 1 in 3 families in the US can't make rent/mortgage this next month...he's ahead of the curve.
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 What if the rolls were changed? He was the one with a good salary, career, and could afford to purchase a house, while you waited on tables or was a receptionist? How would you feel about him having doubts about you possibly not being able to pull your weight financially? 2 1
kendahke Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, Jane3322 said: Am I being unfair? Yes. Stop haranguing him about his finances and career and just leave him alone. He doesn't have enough clout for you to be comfortable being his girlfriend, so let him go and find some other chap with the money and career you seem to feel you deserve. The 3 month mark is when weak foundational relationships begin failing. Your at the point where the "on their best behavior" representatives are being dismissed and the "real him/real you" are coming to the fore. The real him is happy living the small life. The real you ain't about that life. You both are incompatible. Edited October 29, 2020 by kendahke 4
basil67 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 There's also the argument that if you take substantial time off work for caring, your career will suffer. And the longer a woman takes, the more the impact on her career. A different approach would be that you could keep earning a good salary and progressing your career while he does the caring role. 2
mark clemson Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Some women would be fine with this guy, many would not. If you're finding he's not for you due to his place in society, then you probably shouldn't marry him. If you're really not happy with what he is then making a (he would presumably hope) permanent bond would almost certainly be a mistake. There's nothing inherently wrong with settling IMO, but I think the key is to settle for pretty good, not just whatever's around.
Trail Blazer Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 5 hours ago, smackie9 said: What if the rolls were changed? He was the one with a good salary, career, and could afford to purchase a house, while you waited on tables or was a receptionist? How would you feel about him having doubts about you possibly not being able to pull your weight financially? We all know that it doesn't work when the roles are reversed. As long as she's hot, a man who earns a decent amount of money won't find himself "unattracted" to a woman who doesn't earn a great deal. So long as she's nice and is supportive in other ways, it won't matter. For women, most feel the need of comfort that a man who can properly provide in the financial sense brings. Even if she doesn't need his money, many women can't generally respect or find attractive a man whose ambition or earning capabilities don't match or exceed hers. 2
Trail Blazer Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 (edited) On 10/29/2020 at 10:05 AM, Jane3322 said: Am I being unfair? The short answer is yes. However, it's not that simple. Life is unfair. People aren't supposed to be equal. No two men are created equal, so it stands to reason that not every man is going to be a success. At the end of the day you cannot control how you feel. You've only been dating for three months. If things don't feel right for you then it would be unwise to continue. It would truly be unfair if you led this man to believe you were all in, only to deceive him. It's a natural feeling for many women to embrace hypergamy. For some, the feeling is very strong and for others, not so much. However, it's a unuversal trait which women find attractive - a capacity to not just earn, but be respected by one's peers. What you have to decide is if this man has potential. He's studying/training to better himself. Does is matter if it's taken him a bit longer in life to find direction? If he's on track to make something of himself, I'd think twice before doing something you might regret. At the end of the day, if I were in his position and hypothetically I knew that the girl I was seeing was losing attraction for me solely for the fact that I wasn't ambitious/earned enough but knew I did everything else right, I'd probably cut you loose. Edited October 30, 2020 by Trail Blazer 2
FMW Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 We can't control what we're attracted to or turned off by. It's good you're being honest with yourself. Instead of confronting him about his career and living choices, recognize that you are not compatible. Don't use him for all the good things about him you like. Let him go to find someone who loves him for everything he is. Wait for someone who has what it takes to hold your respect. You will both be happier. 3
MsJayne Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 He sounds like a really nice guy, and you sound like you'd prefer someone who's money-obsessed and shallow. You should set him free so he can find himself someone sincere who knows that money and possessions don't mean all that much. A monkey in silk is a monkey no less. 1
Zona Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 Security guard is a pretty crappy job. Hypergamy is normal biology, and it isn't a problem unless it is taken to an extreme. In this case, I think you are right to be concerned about his career. This is getting to be such a problem for millennials. Way more women than men are getting advanced degrees. This limits the available pool of men who have similar education, and the jobs that go along with that. A lot of millennial men seem a bit lost these days. I would never have married a woman who didn't have a good career potential. Maybe I'm selfish, but I would rather have stayed single than do that. It's kind of important to marry someone who is at your level, both in looks, status, education, career, etc. If you settle on a guy who is not at that level, it could definitely lead to marriage problems later on. One other point though, you may be a good motivator for him to improve himself if he is falling for you.
Recommended Posts