dismissive Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) I met this girl this summer and I really liked her but I was going through a breakup with a long term 2.5 year girl I had been dating and it messed me up way more than I thought it would. I actually broke up with her to date the girl I met this summer (In all honesty, I should have broken up with the girl at least a year ago... I held on because I did not want to be alone). This new girl was cool as s*** and really and I mean really nice. We chat every week at her work ( It was an outdoor park ) and when I saw she was really interested in me (She basically told me, she got off work at 5:30), I went back home, packed up the girls stuff I was dating from my house and took it to her place and left it on her front porch. The next day I saw the new girl... she just started straight up ignoring me. I get I didnt let her know what was going on, I didnt want her to get caught up in the drama of my new ex, etc. So I let it ride and just played it cool for a couple weeks and she warmed up again. Something happened though and I just froze... for weeks I couldnt ask her out. And I saw it was pissing her off. There was something inside of me holding me back which i figured out 2 weeks ago. I had not processed the breakup of the long term ex. It finally processed, and I felt massive relief but I could no longer see the girl as her place of employment closed for a few weeks (and I never asked her for her number...my fault). I literally stalked facebook and instagram and found her and her best friend and tried talking to them. She ignored me but her best friend has been someone cool with talking to me. Im pretty sure I hurt her and made her feel rejection and it wasnt my intention. She chased really hard and I just froze Part of the anxious avoidant dance. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. To the AA's out there, is there anyway to fix this for me. I really liked her and I know deep down that she really liked me. I'll probably see her again in a couple weeks (she is probably just making me sweat for a couple weeks) when her work opens back up. If shes not interested, I can easily move on Edited October 28, 2020 by dismissive add to end
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) I’m do not have an “anxious avoidant” attachment style , but I would like to give my 2 cents. You are making a big assumption that she has less style of attachment. I think dysfunctional attachments are something exaggerated in general in dating when people act that way with a specific person. What did her friend say? She may have liked you before because you were distant. It is simply a fact of nature that we are more inclined to want something that is out of reach. When our interest wanes when they become available, it means that we genuinely didn’t really like them that much. It could also be she’s just a flirt and when you were unavailable, that gave her the ability to do that without having to follow through with it.Or maybe a new guy in her life that she likes more But when stuff got real, she backed off. Then you did all of this Facebook stalking and coming on super strong and that made her lose interest even further. I find it very very very hard to believe that if she really liked you, and you were pursuing her this way, your past distance due to your ex GF would stop her from pursuing anything with you. Especially considering that she didn’t know that you broke up with your girlfriend for her. This is just one interpretation of this. It’s very common. Could she have an attachment order, perhaps but those are very few and far IMO and it’s better to examine the more likely scenario: she is a flirt and liked the chase but she wasn’t that interested Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Author dismissive Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) I get your perspective, its "normal". You're projecting really hard your movie onto my story. I ran the entire time (dismissive avoidant)... the only time i chased was Instagram and Facebook... Thats why I asked for an AA perspective Edited October 28, 2020 by dismissive 1
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) I don’t think I’m projecting, seeing as I’ve never been in this situation before. But even if that were the case, it offers an alternative perspective of why she could be behaving that way. She does not have to be an “AA”,and odds are that she really is not. Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
poppyfields Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 42 minutes ago, dismissive said: I get your perspective, its "normal". You're projecting really hard your movie onto my story. I ran the entire time (dismissive avoidant)... the only time i chased was Instagram and Facebook... Thats why I asked for an AA perspective >>Part of the anxious avoidant dance. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. dismissive, based on ^^, you are referring to your own dismissive avoidant attachment style, NOT her attachment style, correct? And you need help resolving so going forward you don"t "freeze" or run when you really like a girl? Or when you see this girl again in a couple of weeks? I have no idea what this girl's attachment style is but based on your own dismissive avoidant behaviour - freezing, not being able to ask her out (fear), it's quite likely she felt rejected. Therapy might help, there are also some great books out there by reputable authors. I can recommend a good one if you like, let me know. Many of these fears are deep rooted and a bytch to kick. Acknowledging them is the first step, so good job doing that! Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields
Author dismissive Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, poppyfields said: dismissive, based on ^^, you are referring to your own dismissive avoidant attachment style, NOT her attachment style, correct? And you need help resolving so going forward you don"t "freeze" or run when you really like a girl? Or when you see this girl again in a couple of weeks? I have no idea what this girl's attachment style is but based on your own dismissive avoidant behaviour - freezing, not being able to ask her out (fear), it's quite likely she felt rejected. Therapy might help, there are also some great books out there by reputable authors. I can recommend a good one if you like, let me know. Many of these fears are deep rooted and a bytch to kick. Acknowledging them is the first step, so good job doing that! Thanks Whats a good book that you would recommend, Im all ears Can I apologze to her if I see her again, I honestly did not mean to reject her. It really was 100% me Edited October 29, 2020 by dismissive
poppyfields Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Just now, dismissive said: Thanks Whats a good book that you would recommend, Im all ears "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships." I recommended it to another poster earlier too as she is struggling with same fears. Note the word "Hidden" as many people aren't even aware they have such fears. All they know is that they feel anxious, uncomfortable, or even turned off in virtually every relationship so they run. I think it's great you've acknowledged and taking steps to resolve. Again, that's the first step. If I have any advice, when you see her again, maybe go for a run or work out first to alleviate your anxiety. Then just take a leap of faith and ask her out. I used to struggle too, I recall breaking out in a cold sweat before one particular date, he thought my nervousness was cute! Little did he know, inside I was an absolute wreck! Anyway, it's a good read, it helped me a lot!!
Author dismissive Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 I really appreciate your help, Thank you 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 I think you're over-complicating this situation, OP. You liked her, but you were not over your previous ex and not ready to date. So you didn't ask her out. Now you regret it. This is pretty run-of-the-mill stuff for someone fresh out of a relationship who thinks they're ready to date but realizes they're not. It doesn't necessarily require in-depth analysis of attachment styles. Instead of apologizing when you see her, ask her out. 1
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