Boyfriends exes are very young

[CaliforniaGirl]

31 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

I’ve never once said he doesn’t care for the children he has , he’s a brilliant dad , I can’t fault him .

All right, but listen. Here's the thing. And I'm being real with you and not mean.

You posted this question for a reason and the reason can't be: you're secure, you're sure of this man, you're happy. You're ready to move forward without reservations. And you can't fault him.

You're asking for our input and the reality is that our input isn't just based on your description, although that weighs heavily into it. It is also based on the fact that you are the one in this situation, and you are the one who is unsure enough about him, and about your relationship, to have posted on a message board about it.

We're giving your input - should we not be? Are you actually fine with this? Should we stop answering you? This is an honest question. If you want us not to give our advice you need to tell us.

[LauraKelly]

I don’t think the advice has been overly helpful , no. I’ve been called pathetic , inexperienced, I’ve been judged massively so no , I regret posting now especially since I was already feeling low about the situation, luckily I drew positivity from the posts that I felt made sense and related more to my situation.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have posted about men from my past on here and I refused to consider some of wisest advise given to me, I had to live my mistake to understand it. One thing for sure though that advise I refused to listen to always stayed in the back of my mind and helped me later.

I think this is true for everyone.  Just my experience on this forum and others but folks rarely follow advice given, for just the reason you gave Gaeta.  We have to live/experience it ourselves to truly understand.  That's how we learn to make better choices next time.  Not from what others advise, but actually living it, making the mistake and learning from it.

Just wanted to clarify that neither I, nor do I believe anyone else, was supporting her boyfriend.  Speaking for myself I was supporting LK with respect to her question and the topic of this thread - her insecurity about her boyfriend dating younger and her fear of getting older and him no longer being attracted to her.  That is what I and some others advised her about.

I didn't read where she was at all concerned that he had impregnated younger woman or about moving in with him so soon, yet the majority of posters chose to focus on that instead of addressing her original question.  I am not saying she should NOT be concerned about those things, but that was not a concern of hers nor the topic of this thread, from what I read anyway.

If it turns out to be a mistake, so be.  Learn, grow from it.  Good luck LK.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I didn't read where she was at all concerned that he had impregnated younger woman or about moving in with him so soon, yet the majority of posters chose to focus on that instead of addressing her original question.

You are very strong to be able to only address the question. It's like the guy that goes to see the doctor to talk about the cut on his finger and don't want to address the knife sticking out of his back. Hard to not say anything about it. 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You are very strong to be able to only address the question. It's like the guy that goes to see the doctor to talk about the cut on his finger and don't want to address the knife sticking out of his back. Hard to not say anything about it. 

Not a fair comparison because the knife in his back is obvious, and could kill him.

No one knows what the outcome of LK's situation will be, what's been advised are opinion and supposition. 

If it's a mistake, she's not gonna die from it (like the guy with the knife in his back), she will learn and grow from it.  And who's to really say it won't work out?  

She is not concerned about those things, so that is why I chose to not address those things.  

It has nothing to do with being strong, I was simply sticking to the topic and the things that were actually troubling her.

Edited October 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

She’s not gonna die from any of this but those are serious red flags worth noting. I think it’s negligent for people on an advice forum to only advise on an issue that the OP has in lieu of a pointing out a potentially more serious issue. Especially considering that we have a more objective perspective, 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

She’s not gonna die from any of this but those are serious red flags worth noting. I think it’s negligent for people on an advice forum to only advise on an issue that the OP has in lieu of a pointing out a potentially more serious issue. Especially considering that we have a more objective perspective, 

I don't disagree but as you can see, since the OP was not concerned about those things, the advice went in one ear and out the other.  She took offense and feels worse now than before she posted.

So yes while I agree they are red flags that she should be considered about, what good did all the advice do?  None. 

This thread is five pages, and only a few posters addressed her real question, her real concern.  Pretty much a bust for the OP.

Edited October 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

25 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

She’s not gonna die from any of this but those are serious red flags worth noting. I think it’s negligent for people on an advice forum to only advise on an issue that the OP has in lieu of a pointing out a potentially more serious issue. Especially considering that we have a more objective perspective

If 99% of people are already addressing the potentially more serious issue, what difference does it make that 1% are not? Sometimes, it's flogging a dead horse to repeat a concern that many people have already addressed. If the OP didn't get it when the first 200 people said it, he/she is probably not gonna get it when person 201 says it.

Then there's also the risk that flogging that dead horse will put the OP on the defensive. Maybe he/she was receptive to the advice when it was first given. But as more people pile on with harsher interpretations, he/she feels obliged to defend the BF/GF. Sometimes, you achieve more with balance.

[elaine567]

I don't believe that anyone on an advice forum should stick to answering the question posed, when there are red flags flapping everywhere.
That would not be good advice.
If a person does not want to speak about certain topics then they need to not mention them, or not put such thoughts./facts into the public domain for others to ponder on.
BUT if there are red flags stated then that can alter the advice given markedly.

OP Question - I am thinking of moving in with my bf should I do it? He is a great guy...
Other poster - How do you get on togeher?
OP - Fine, but he does yell a lot and punches holes in the walls when he is angry...

If we answer the question posed and ignore the red flags then "Sure, you should move in, he is a great guy..." would be the advice given.
If we take  in all the info, then the advice is necessarily different.  "Hell no, run away as fast as you can " 

Context and detail is all.

[Ruby Slippers]

3 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

I regret posting now especially since I was already feeling low about the situation, luckily I drew positivity from the posts that I felt made sense and related more to my situation.

A lot of threads on this forum reach a point where lots of good comments and advice have been given and no more good will come of it. I think this thread is now past that point.

You're obviously going to stick with this guy for a while and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, perhaps you'll realize many of these comments were right. Otherwise, shrug it off and enjoy your relationship.

Edited October 30, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

OP Question - I am thinking of moving in with my bf should I do it? He is a great guy...
Other poster - How do you get on togeher?
OP - Fine, but he does yell a lot and punches holes in the walls when he is angry...

If we answer the question posed and ignore the red flags then "Sure, you should move in, he is a great guy..." would be the advice given.
If we take  in all the info, then the advice is necessarily different.  "Hell no, run away as fast as you can " 

Context and detail is all.

I agree, in that situation it would be extremely irresponsible to not address his anger issues, no question!  And if LK had posted her bf was punching walls or had anger issues or abusing her or even just treating her poorly it would be irresponsible to not address that.  

But what she referenced were irresponsible choices and behaviours from her boyfriend's past, years ago   In the present, she posted he treats her well, kindly and considerately.  She has accepted his kids, everyone gets on well, they spend time together as a family.  

People do change, they learn, grow, evolve.  So the way I viewed it, the OP had accepted his past, and chose to judge him on the present, and how he treats her in the present. 

Isn't that what everyone advocates on here?  Acceptance?  She wasn't complaining about his past, if she had been complaining, my responses would have been different

To the contrary, she has accepted his past and chose to move forward.  It was everyone else who took issue with his past, the majority anyway.

The issue that brought her here was barely even addressed.  

JMO.

Edited October 31, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But what what she referenced were irresponsible choices and behaviours from her boyfriend's past, years ago   In the present, she posted he treats her well, kindly and considerately.  She has accepted his kids, everyone gets on well, they spend time together as a family.

 

Except that, in the present, she and the bf moved in together after just 5 months of dating, a decision that not only impacts OP and her bf, but his two children, who stay with them every other weekend, and her daughter, who, although not living with her mother, presumably visits and/or is aware of what happens in her life.

It's hard not to see the present as a continuation of past irresponsible -- or at least not well thought out -- behaviours.

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Except that, in the present, she and the bf moved in together after just 5 months of dating, a decision that not only impacts OP and her bf, but his two children, who stay with them every other weekend, and her daughter, who, although not living with her mother, presumably visits and/or is aware of what happens in her life.

It's hard not to see the present as a continuation of past irresponsible -- or at least not well thought out -- behaviours.

Fair point.  So bring that concern to her attention in a respectful manner and she might have listened. 

Instead, she was severely judged and criticized straight from the get-go for what amounts to her personal choices.  Without her original question ever even being addressed by those posters.

I dunno, I'm a firm believer in allowing people to make their own choices and mistakes.  Unless it involves any sort of abuse or obvious mistreatment or manipulation, then I step in even if they don't ask.

But other than that, address the concern, give opinion, once or maybe even twice, in a kind respectful manner.   If they choose to not listen, like here, so be.  If it turns out to be mistake, which it may not, they learn. 

Or even if posters want to continue hammering anyway, at least address the original issue as well, the issue that brought her here in the first place, which was not done here.

I'm sorry, it's not my place to tell anyone how to post. But the OP left feeling extremely judged, criticized, offended and like crap; the issue that brought her here was barely addressed. So as Gaeta said she felt the need to speak up and say something, wrong or right, so do I, on behalf of the OP.

Edited October 31, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

@poppyfields I think people become extra concerned when there are children involved, and that is probably why so many reacted strongly to a situation that has the potential to do harm to the kids, rather than focus on the original question of whether the bf is likely to abandon OP in favor of a younger woman.  As you point out, the grown woman is capable of making her own decisions, which can include the decision to make mistakes.  The children do not have that sort of agency here, and instead rely on their parents to make decisions in their best interests.  Big difference.

Bowing out now.

[LauraKelly]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

@poppyfields I think people become extra concerned when there are children involved, and that is probably why so many reacted strongly to a situation that has the potential to do harm to the kids, rather than focus on the original question of whether the bf is likely to abandon OP in favor of a younger woman.  As you point out, the grown woman is capable of making her own decisions, which can include the decision to make mistakes.  The children do not have that sort of agency here, and instead rely on their parents to make decisions in their best interests.  Big difference.

Bowing out now.

“Bowing out now.” Thank god 

[Trail Blazer]

Has it even been determined that OP's BF actually did anything wrong?  Different countries/jurisdictions have different laws governing at what age people can have sex with someone under a certain age.

If the baby mamas were under 18 at the time he impregnated them, it could be an issue in the eyes of the law, depending on where OP is from.  However, we don't know for certain as I don't recall OP clarifying this.

There's been a lot of assumptions here and OP's defensive responses and unwillingness to address what now seems to be the elephant in the room seems rather telling.  Alas, OP is not obligated to respond either way.

I've said my piece earlier and believe that OP can certainly make use of the very few responses she received which addressed her specific concerns.  I'm not sure where this thread goes from here, though.

[Crazelnut]

It doesn't really matter if the girls were of legal age. 17 or 18 -- not much difference. The point is he impregnated two different girls still in their teens. Impulsivity, poor judgement, and a predilection for young ones -- doesn't bode well for the relationship.