poppyfields Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) Ok thanks for clarifying, you sound very happy! So I'm happy for ya, I hope it all works out the way you hope. There is a saying I quite like: "The past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift, which is why it's called the "present." Good luck! Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields 1
ShyViolet Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 6 hours ago, LauraKelly said: I’m just really hopeful people can change. I had a “friendly “ chat with him last night and basically said that even if me and him don’t work out, that he needs to stop having unprotected sex with so many women when he’s single. He hasn’t just had sex with younger girls to be fair, there are a few his own age , these were just before we got together. He always moans about having worked hard all his life but has no money so I explained it’s because he pays out child maintenance and has still continued in unprotected sex with others even at 30 years of age. I said that imagine if he had impregnated any of those women , and that he would never go on to find a good woman after that because no one in their right minds wants to be with someone with that much baggage. He did agree and actually looked quite disappointed in himself. Hopefully the penny drops but by then , it won’t matter to me anyway coz I wouldn’t want no man with that many kids with all different women , time will tell. Entering into a relationship with someone "hoping they will change" is a poor choice and is a recipe for disaster. The fact that you needed to give him this lecture is kind of pathetic. You are not his parent. This is stuff that he should have learned in high school health class. If he doesn't know these things by now, in his early 30's, then he is a deeply irresponsible person. 6
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 People don't change much. If you're concerned about his cash flow, get used to it, because he's on the hook for child support for 2 kids for 13 more years - and then there's their college and so on. Daddy is often viewed as the eternal wallet, and the kids come first. 3
Author LauraKelly Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 47 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It's still early in the relationship to conclude he treats you better. People don't change really. The things I accused my ex-husband back when we were married are the same things his following wife accused him of 20 years later. Keep an eye open, listen to what family says, listen to your daughter's impression of him. I personally think you are taking on a lot, a man with 2 babies with 2 moms, a man with no extra money and he won't have extra money for the next 15 years, and a man who had/has alcohol issues. Yes, the way he treated women before you is important. Good luck with everything. That’s all a fair point except the alcohol issue part , he’s never had an issue with alcohol , but he did used to be out a lot partying as I’m sure a lot of men and women do when they are growing up , these are the times when he’s made irresponsible choices. All he does now is go to work, have dinner , watch tv and go to bed and at weekends he is either with me just us, or his kids and myself. I really hope he stays on the track he is on as he could really turn his life around. No ones perfect and we have all done silly things, the trick is to not keep repeating those mistakes , I guess I’ll just wait n see
Author LauraKelly Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 10 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: People don't change much. If you're concerned about his cash flow, get used to it, because he's on the hook for child support for 2 kids for 13 more years - and then there's their college and so on. Daddy is often viewed as the eternal wallet, and the kids come first. I’ve no issue with his two children and his financial status , if you read what I was saying you would read that if he was to continue impregnating women then yeh that’s an issue , not just for himself but also he’s wallet ,
Author LauraKelly Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 54 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Ok thanks for clarifying, you sound very happy! So I'm happy for ya, I hope it all works out the way you hope. There is a saying I quite like: "The past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift, which is why it's called the "present." Good luck! Awwww I love that And yeh so very true , thank you very much x
Author LauraKelly Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 43 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Entering into a relationship with someone "hoping they will change" is a poor choice and is a recipe for disaster. The fact that you needed to give him this lecture is kind of pathetic. You are not his parent. This is stuff that he should have learned in high school health class. If he doesn't know these things by now, in his early 30's, then he is a deeply irresponsible person. 44 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Entering into a relationship with someone "hoping they will change" is a poor choice and is a recipe for disaster. The fact that you needed to give him this lecture is kind of pathetic. You are not his parent. This is stuff that he should have learned in high school health class. If he doesn't know these things by now, in his early 30's, then he is a deeply irresponsible person. It’s actually more about accepting everyone has a past , and yeh, agreed he has been an irresponsible person, but how many men do you know that have had unprotected sex at least once , I’m not saying it’s acceptable but I’m saying it’s not the worst thing in the world a man can do . Oh and I didn’t need to give him the lecture , I wanted too, so he could see from a woman’s perspective that it’s a absolute turn off for a man to have that amount of baggage ( should he get anyone else pregnant in the future)
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 33 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: Oh and I didn’t need to give him the lecture , I wanted too, so he could see from a woman’s perspective that it’s a absolute turn off for a man to have that amount of baggage BUT even with the complcated and messy baggage he already has, he managed to snare you, so not sure what point you are trying to make... Such a turn off, that within 5 months, he had his legs well under your table... 4
Author LauraKelly Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 36 minutes ago, elaine567 said: BUT even with the complcated and messy baggage he already has, he managed to snare you, so not sure what point you are trying to make... Such a turn off, that within 5 months, he had his legs well under your table... Because I have a past too, as does everybody , I too have a child , who’s to say he was wasn’t put out by the fact I have a 16 year old daughter, and therefore had her at a young age. No one is perfect . What I’m trying to say is that if I was too of continually had children by different men, I’m sure he wouldn’t be dating me. I can accept he has two children by two different mothers , but not many people would.. Edited October 29, 2020 by LauraKelly
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: Because I have a past too, as does everybody , I too have a child , who’s to say he was wasn’t put out by the fact I have a 16 year old daughter, and therefore had her at a young age. No one is perfect . It cannot be compared. A 16 year old is much more independent than a 5 & 6 year old. When our kids reach 16+ there is much more freedom to our life. Your daughter can shop for herself, she can handle her homework on her own, she doesn't need a babysitter, she understands right and wrong and doesn't risk swallowing a penny by accident, she's done running 103F fever and need to be picked up from school, you're done missing work to take care of her. 5 & 6 are a lot of work, a lot of attention, everything needs to be planned around them, there is no (or much less) spontaneity to life. Edited October 29, 2020 by Gaeta 2
Author LauraKelly Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 22 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It cannot be compared. A 16 year old is much more independent than a 5 & 6 year old. When our kids reach 16+ there is much more freedom to our life. Your daughter can shop for herself, she can handle her homework on her own, she doesn't need a babysitter, she understands right and wrong and doesn't risk swallowing a penny by accident, she's done running 103F fever and need to be picked up from school, you're done missing work to take care of her. 5 & 6 are a lot of work, a lot of attention, everything needs to be planned around them, there is no (or much less) spontaneity to life. Well as he only sees them every other weekend it’s a lovely balance , we have all week at work and the evenings to ourselves , then two weekends of the month to do our own thing (going out for dinner etc) and the other two weekends of the month will be with the little ones. In relationships you have to make sacrifices and comprise , I guess it depends on how much your willing to sacrifice which I would imagine depends on how much you love the person .
Crazelnut Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 SO much wrong with this situation. OP, you are completely focused on the wrong thing. Stop worrying about the fact that he likes very young women. Start worrying about the fact that he impregnated 2 different women by the time he was 25! And that you both foolishly and impetuously moved in together after only 5 months. Jeez, you should not HAVE to point out to a grown man that impregnating women is a Bad Thing and negatively impacts his life. And now it impacts yours. Does he at least use birth control with you?? I think your insecurities and love goggles are causing you to make poor decisions. Sorry, but I don't see long term happiness here. 4
Author LauraKelly Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 1 minute ago, Crazelnut said: SO much wrong with this situation. OP, you are completely focused on the wrong thing. Stop worrying about the fact that he likes very young women. Start worrying about the fact that he impregnated 2 different women by the time he was 25! And that you both foolishly and impetuously moved in together after only 5 months. Jeez, you should not HAVE to point out to a grown man that impregnating women is a Bad Thing and negatively impacts his life. And now it impacts yours. Does he at least use birth control with you?? I think your insecurities and love goggles are causing you to make poor decisions. Sorry, but I don't see long term happiness here. God this forum is full of so much hate
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 3 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: God this forum is full of so much hate Why is advise going against what you want to hear identified as 'hate'. 2 1
Author LauraKelly Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 I’ve actually read some really helpful posts but unfortunately there’s the odd few where people actually speak like they know the situation in full . I hope I don’t end up so narrow minded. Luckily , once I posted on here , I realised I was thinking about to much of his past , and not enjoying our present and the future. Everyone made mistakes in their past , and luckily I’m a bloody good woman that understands that now and has seen things in a different light.
ShyViolet Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 14 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: God this forum is full of so much hate It's not hate, it's brutal honesty.
Crazelnut Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 Sorry you don't like honesty. You posted for opinions and advice, and you got opinions and advice. Almost everyone on here sees red flags with this guy. Sorry it's not what you want to hear. It's not hateful to disagree with your assessment. 2
Author LauraKelly Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 (edited) Well , I’m the one that knows him personally, and his character , personality so I’m all fairness I think I’ll go by my own evaluations, but like I said, it has helped me to realise many things. Let’s hope none of you judgemental people have never put a foot wrong in your lives , because from what I’ve heard , the most judgemental people are usually the worst Edited October 30, 2020 by LauraKelly
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 We all put a foot wrong at some time in our life, that is why we know best now. I have counted about 15/16 posters that participated in your thread and out of that 3 strongly supported your guy, that means 80% of us warned you about this guy. Yet you chose to listen to the 20%. It's alright. We all need to go through our mistakes to gain understanding and wisdom. I have posted about men from my past on here and I refused to consider some of wisest advise given to me, I had to live my mistake to understand it. One thing for sure though that advise I refused to listen to always stayed in the back of my mind and helped me later. 2
Author LauraKelly Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 Well I believe in giving every body a chance in life, he’s not made any more mistakes of that kind , since he was 25, he’s soon to be 32. I’ve completely got my wits about me , tho he does treat me very well so until the day that ever changes I will take on board the advice but as far as I see it at this very moment , I let my insecurities get the better of me.
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 1 hour ago, LauraKelly said: God this forum is full of so much hate Expecting adults to use birth control and if not, to care for the children they have is NOT hate. Neither is carefully choosing a responsible person to give one's heart to. How can that be hate? 2
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 2 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: I let my insecurities get the better of me. Concerning the 2 younger women he had children with, yes it's all your insecurities and fear. Attraction is not only about the body, it's about personality, confidence, and how much you feel sexy inside. Your insecurities also generate fear of losing him, if you lose him then you lose him, life will go on. You'll have a heartbreak, you'll get over it, you'll move on and meet someone else. You cannot control how he may feel one day and you cannot constantly live in fear. Accept you have no control over what may or may not happen. 1
Author LauraKelly Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 38 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Expecting adults to use birth control and if not, to care for the children they have is NOT hate. Neither is carefully choosing a responsible person to give one's heart to. How can that be hate? I’ve never once said he doesn’t care for the children he has , he’s a brilliant dad , I can’t fault him .
Author LauraKelly Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 37 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Concerning the 2 younger women he had children with, yes it's all your insecurities and fear. Attraction is not only about the body, it's about personality, confidence, and how much you feel sexy inside. Your insecurities also generate fear of losing him, if you lose him then you lose him, life will go on. You'll have a heartbreak, you'll get over it, you'll move on and meet someone else. You cannot control how he may feel one day and you cannot constantly live in fear. Accept you have no control over what may or may not happen. No I totally agree with the whole of that statement. When you live in that kind of fear , you end up pushing them away anyway . Live for the moment, no matter how long or short .
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 You have anxiety. Anxiety is born out of fear of losing something. When we push people away it's born out of fear of intimacy.
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