Boyfriends exes are very young

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

No! He has never done anything towards my daughter or niece , not a comment, not a side glance , absolutely nothing , don’t get it twisted. But what I’m saying is, is that he has had sex with 18 year old girls when he was younger (25) and my niece is 20. She’s an adult , but I’m trying to work out his preference, obviously he wouldn’t look at my daughter like that , but still , what I’m saying is , she isn’t far off 18 and I still view her as a baby , I can’t fathom why older men would want to go near 18 year olds full stop .

Sorry I just saw this. Misunderstood what you were saying bringing up your daughter.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey Gaeta, you're one of my favorite posters, but I gotta ask, why are you judging her so harshly?  These were her choices to make and not what she's troubled about.  

Her concern is aging, and her boyfriend eventually being attracted to a younger woman.  Her insecurity and anxiety about that.  

Not saying your points aren't valid, but it wasn't why she created this thread.  

Just sayin...

She is missing the real issue here. She's 35 and he's 31, big deal, that's not an age difference. 

The man got teenagers pregnant and she has a teenage girl at home, that's the real issue. She is addressing it in her opening so I am not off track.

Why it gets to me? My foster daughter had a mom that moved in a man after a few months and that man turned out to be a child rapist who was grooming my foster-daughter as his next victim. No amount of loneliness justifies moving in a strange man after 5 months with a teen in the house. 

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, I believe she said her daughter does not live with her, she lives with her dad 

But fair points nevertheless and I'm sorry about what happened with your foster daughter!  I hope she's okay, and happy she has you now! 

[boymommy]

So I originally read this wrong and thought his KID’s were in their early 20’s..I was like, was he like 10 when he had them?! Lol 

IMO age is a number and its the person that counts. 
 

Stop worrying about how age could effect things and start enjoying yourself. He obviously sees something in your relationship or he wouldnt be there. Yes he had two kids with two young women..but he also is no longer with them. Maybe he thinks dating someone more MATURE is the way to go! 

Edited October 28, 2020 by boymommy

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

 he is 31. he has two children by two different mums who are both in there early 20s. the kids are still very young (5 and 6 years old).

So he was 25/26 and they were early 20s?  It doesn't seem like some dirty old man robbing the cradle if there was a 5+/- year age difference and he did young stupid things like getting pregnant twice with two young women. 

This seems more as though the age difference between yourself and him bothers you a great deal. This is not about your kids or their ages. You are 4 years older than him so why is he a dirty old man when he dated women ~5 years younger? 

Take your time and make sure moving in a 5 mos is not causing this angst. You seem insecure in the relationship, perhaps that's why you fast-tracked into an insta-family? Make sure you are not in the role of his mom or his baby-mama's nanny.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Wiseman2

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'd almost think "maybe he's going for someone his own age because he's learned that the younger women really aren't what he wants" but the babymama thing really would give me pause. Both of them* were obviously irresponsible. Birth control can fail, but twice? So close together? I don't know.

*Both of them in each case, I mean. This guy and the first woman and this guy and the second woman. Wasn't anybody using birth control?

Edited October 28, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[kismetkismet]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So he was 25/26 and they were early 20s? 

When the kids were born, he was 25/26 and the girls were "around 18" - so 17 or 18 when they got pregnant. 

[LauraKelly]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Wait....you moved in a man after dating 5 months when you have a 16 year old daughter?? and you don't consider this silly? and inexperienced? It's worse than silly and inexperienced!! 

My daughter doesn’t live with me , it doesn’t affect her 

Edited October 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

The main concern to me would be that he got two barely legal teenagers, that he was not in a serious relationship with, pregnant in quick succession, while he was a mid-twenties adult. Not one, but two.  Did he not learn from the first time? That says something pretty dark about his judgement. 

 

Yes. His judgment at the time was seemingly non-existent. Maybe he was drinking too much at the time, hanging with a younger partying crowd and did not care about the future (for whatever reason). Maybe he outgrew that phase and started making more mature choices. He doesn't seem to have made more 18-year-olds pregnant since then. He seems to be involved in his kids' lives. He seems to be paying child support. There seems to have been some emotional growth.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Acacia98

[SincereOnlineGuy]

8 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

No! He has never done anything towards my daughter or niece , not a comment, not a side glance , absolutely nothing , don’t get it twisted. But what I’m saying is, is that he has had sex with 18 year old girls when he was younger (25) and my niece is 20. She’s an adult , but I’m trying to work out his preference, obviously he wouldn’t look at my daughter like that , but still , what I’m saying is , she isn’t far off 18 and I still view her as a baby , I can’t fathom why older men would want to go near 18 year olds full stop .

 

(pause to sort-out what is written in this thread)

 

I have seen zero in this thread  to make it fair to be concerned about this guy going after the post-pubescent teens in his environs.

 

With regard to the last part, it parallels allowing 18-year-olds to vote only if we can police for whom they vote.   It is completely selfish and stupid to even think of doing such a thing.

 

A man of 25 having sex with a legal 18yo is within the fair range of normal, and in "most U.S. states"  even a 16yo is free to have sex with a person of any age he/she chooses (provided it isn't a person of authority  {boss/teacher}  in his/her life).   25/18 is NOT in the center range of normalcy, but it is not outlandish, or even 'abnormal'  (to those who are mathematically fair to 'normalcy' )

 

Now this guy is 31... and he obviously knows the impacts of his having dabbled in those young women...  (which, of course, has little to do with their dates of birth) (LOL - er, meaning the dates printed upon the Driver's Licenses OF his baby mamma's)

 

If you are living together and not seeing any red flag behavior... then his past  25/18 dalliances do NOT suggest that his own tastes are somehow 'frozen' at  "late teens" in any way.

 

 

It is difficult enough to be fair to what is normal when you are an objective observer not somehow immersed in the data being studied, but when you are focused upon and studying somebody you admire and enjoy  it is doubly challenging to be comparing them to a fair assessment of what is 'normal'.

 

 

Years ago (early 1990's) a vast survey was done which asked men:

 

"what age for you is most ideal in a female romantic partner?"

 

The answers were taken from men of all ages, and then, rather than merely tally them up and divide by the number of respondents, and coming out with 

 

(the most ideal age for female partners in the eyes of men is )  "37.294398 years old"

 

In order to make the data relevant to everyone, the answers were reported as a function of the ages of those responding.

 

The answer was given as:    "half his own age plus seven years"   (which has since become popular as something completely irrelevant to its original use)

 

SO, if you take a man of 25...   and divide by two...  12.5...   then add 7 years...     it would be  "19.5".

 

An element of pure randomness  (some live within 5 miles of 150,000,  and other live within 5 miles of only 75 people)  could easily allow such a person to be dating an 18yo when a 19.49999-year-old just didn't happen to be around).

 

"Normal" has an especially vast range among humans, and especially so with regard to mating rituals.

 

There just isn't anything here...

 

(When I first clicked, I was expecting there would be more data to determine whether all of his babymaking had been of the 'legal' variety...   but we can't even know that)

 

 

[Trail Blazer]

9 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

That’s exactly what he says too, he has said that he went for younger women as he had no confidence to meet a woman around his own age. He’s very good at reassurance and your right , I’m very anxious and I’m extremely insecure. I just worry he will drop me later on down the line for younger. Maybe us women are really hard on ourselves . X

If you let your anxiety get the better of you it could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

You need to relax.  If it was an issue for the dude he wouldn't be with you.  He's not going to wake up one day and it all just happens to dawn on him.

I know guys can be seemingly all about looks, but not every guy is a disloyal jackass.  There's countless guys out there who love their ladies, flaws and all!

Edited October 28, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[LauraKelly]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

If you let your anxiety get the better of you it could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

You need to relax.  If it was an issue for the dude he wouldn't be with you.  He's not going to wake up one day and it all just happens to dawn on him.

I know guys can be seemingly all about looks, but not every guy is a disloyal jackass.  There's countless guys out there who love their ladies, flaws and all!

Thank you x

[MsJayne]

I haven't read everyone's responses, but I'm just going to be flat out judgmental here, (sorry, truth's truth).  I have to assume that, if your guy is already father to two kids by two different much younger women and already broken up with both of them, at the ripe old age of 31, he's one of those males who throw their sperm around like confetti. You're already feeling insecure and worrying about the presence of these two women in his life, so never mind about age and looks, think hard about what's going to happen in a few short years. He's going to have to spend a lot of time, not to mention money, on his kids, and you're going to take a back seat. Then, if you want to worry about age and looks, and he's attracted to young girls, I think you're headed straight for Misery Town with this guy, probably around the time you start getting your first few wrinkles. I don't think you need to worry about the women he's had kids with, I think you need to worry about the women he's yet to impregnate - hopefully not when he's been living with you for 5 years. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

 he's attracted to young girls

C'mon, there is no mention nor hint of pedophilia here, yet that is what you are insinuating.

 

The very fact that they became pregnant is pretty solid evidence that "young girls" does NOT apply!

[Trail Blazer]

23 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

C'mon, there is no mention nor hint of pedophilia here, yet that is what you are insinuating.

 

The very fact that they became pregnant is pretty solid evidence that "young girls" does NOT apply!

Whilst I agree with your sentiment in that this guy has most likely done nothing wrong legally, your second paragraph simply doesn't read true. 

Minors can easily become pregnant.  15-year-olds are are the same as pre-pubescent children in the eyes of most western countries' laws.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

C'mon, there is no mention nor hint of pedophilia here, yet that is what you are insinuating.

 

The very fact that they became pregnant is pretty solid evidence that "young girls" does NOT apply!

Who said anything about paedophilia?!  I insinuated no such thing, that’s what you read into my words. 

Edited October 29, 2020 by MsJayne

[LauraKelly]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I haven't read everyone's responses, but I'm just going to be flat out judgmental here, (sorry, truth's truth).  I have to assume that, if your guy is already father to two kids by two different much younger women and already broken up with both of them, at the ripe old age of 31, he's one of those males who throw their sperm around like confetti. You're already feeling insecure and worrying about the presence of these two women in his life, so never mind about age and looks, think hard about what's going to happen in a few short years. He's going to have to spend a lot of time, not to mention money, on his kids, and you're going to take a back seat. Then, if you want to worry about age and looks, and he's attracted to young girls, I think you're headed straight for Misery Town with this guy, probably around the time you start getting your first few wrinkles. I don't think you need to worry about the women he's had kids with, I think you need to worry about the women he's yet to impregnate - hopefully not when he's been living with you for 5 years. 

I’m just really hopeful people can change. I had a “friendly “ chat with him last night and basically said that even if me and him don’t work out, that he needs to stop having unprotected sex with so many women when he’s single. He hasn’t just had sex with younger girls to be fair, there are a few his own age , these were just before we got together. He always moans about having worked hard all his life but has no money so I explained it’s because he pays out child maintenance and has still continued in unprotected sex with others even at 30 years of age. I said that imagine if he had impregnated any of those women , and that he would never go on to find a good woman after that because no one in their right minds wants to be with someone with that much baggage. He did agree and actually looked quite disappointed in himself. Hopefully the penny drops but by then , it won’t matter to me anyway coz I wouldn’t want no man with that many kids with all different women , time will tell.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

I’m just really hopeful people can change. I had a “friendly “ chat with him last night and basically said that even if me and him don’t work out, that he needs to stop having unprotected sex with so many women when he’s single. . He always moans about having worked hard all his life but has no money so I explained it’s because he pays out child maintenance and has still continued in unprotected sex with others even at 30 years of age. I said that imagine if he had impregnated any of those women , and that he would never go on to find a good woman after that because no one in their right minds wants to be with someone with that much baggage. He did agree and actually looked quite disappointed in himself. Hopefully the penny drops but by then , it won’t matter to me anyway coz I wouldn’t want no man with that many kids with all different women , time will tell.

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately you are lecturing in a parenting manner.

Lecturing about sex and contraception is something you do with your teenager, not a 7 mos. 31 y/o BF.

Also lecturing about money when you let him move in with you is strange and also sounds like a mom lecturing a teen.

You are with a man who "has kids with different women" and he brings those kids from different women to your place on weekends.

[LauraKelly]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately you are lecturing in a parenting manner.

Lecturing about sex and contraception is something you do with your teenager, not a 7 mos. 31 y/o BF.

Also lecturing about money when you let him move in with you is strange and also sounds like a mom lecturing a teen.

You are with a man who "has kids with different women" and he brings those kids from different women to your place on weekends.

I disagree, the fact that he is moaning about having no money etc when it’s quite obvious as to why he has no money is just merely a fact I pointed out for him. And I just gave him the cold hard truth that if he continues to spread his sperm around and get any more women pregnant in later life then to consider himself stuck in a life of meaningless sex as no woman would look at him as a partner for life.  Someone had to tell him at the end of the day coz unfortunately, it’s the truth.

[elaine567]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you are lecturing in a parenting manner.

But that is where she has ended up.

Lecturing to a guy who apparently has not joined the dots as to why he has no money...
But he already knows why he has no money (I guess his IQ is within the normal range), so he is going for the sympathy vote here...
"Oh poor me..."

His "disappointment" I guess was due to him not being able to sweet talk the OP and be able to get more sympathy for his situation...
"Oh poor you, I will kiss it all better." was the reaction he really wanted.

Laura,
What are his plans for the future? or is leeching off you the sum of his plans?

[LauraKelly]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But that is where she has ended up.

Lecturing to a guy who apparently has not joined the dots as to why he has no money...
But he already knows why he has no money (I guess his IQ is within the normal range), so he is going for the sympathy vote here...
"Oh poor me..."

His "disappointment" I guess was due to him not being able to sweet talk the OP and be able to get more sympathy for his situation...
"Oh poor you, I will kiss it all better." was the reaction he really wanted.

Laura,
What are his plans for the future? or is leeching off you the sum of his plans?

So true, he’s an adult and knows exactly why he’s skint yet still fails to put a condom on the end of it , he definitely didn’t get any sympathy lol. For the future he wants to work his way up in his job which is a positive, he has stopped drinking since he has been with me , he wasn’t a massive drinker but we both used to go out at the weekends with friends before we got together so I like to see that as a positive as we both spend our weekend doing fulfilling things. We’re also decorating the flat bit by bit, so I do see his trying and I can’t change his past ( as long as it’s the past then I guess I can’t really complain ) 

[mark clemson]

One of the issues with some of the jumping to negative conclusions in this thread is that ANY male could in theory attempt to "go for" a late teens or similar daughter in the house. In fact, we had a poster not too long ago who had a older gentleman, military man, seemed super legit from what I could read into it, who got drunk one day and started texting the daughters.

In fact, any female GF could in theory do exactly the same thing with a teenage male while dating the dad. (Female pedophilia is more common than is widely recognized, and so you see e.g. those news stories about teachers popping up occasionally.)

Literally anyone is a potential pedophile. And as many unfortunate Catholic parishioners know, it's often the people you least suspect. So is the solution to simply never date while you have kids at ALL? Don't think that's gonna happen.

A person you've been dating 5 months is not "a stranger". Sure, I think you gotta take this guy's history into account and keep an eye on him. But in actually you'd need to keep that same eye on ANYONE, male or female, with ANY history. 

The guy does have some mistakes in his past. Since those mistakes don't involve  middle schoolers or similar, this is really not actually different from any other dating couple WRT to the kids involved.

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

I had a “friendly “ chat with him last night and basically said that even if me and him don’t work out, that he needs to stop having unprotected sex with so many women when he’s single.

I'm glad you talked to him and he recognizes his irresponsibility re having unprotected sex.  And maybe it's just me (overly sensitive sometimes) but him saying "even if me and you don't work out" would bother me.  Especially given that you're living together and committed? 

I realize there are never any guarantees, but it would still hurt a bit hearing that.  It sounds rather casual.  But if you were okay with it, cool.   You're the one having a relationship with him, not me.

That said, do you believe he envisions long term with you, a future?  

Also, and this is NOT a judgment, but I'm curious why he moved in with you so early in after only five months?  

Was it convenience or because it was the next step towards building a future together?  

I'll be honest, after his comment^, I'm a bit confused now about the nature of your relationship.

Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[LauraKelly]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm glad you talked to him and he recognizes his irresponsibility re having unprotected sex.  And maybe it's just me (overly sensitive sometimes) but him saying "even if me and you don't work out" would bother me.  Especially given that you're living together and committed? 

I realize there are never any guarantees, but it would still hurt a bit hearing that.  It sounds rather casual.  But if you were okay with it, cool.   You're the one having a relationship with him, not me.

That said, do you believe he envisions long term with you, a future?  

Also, and this is NOT a judgment, but I'm curious why he moved in with you so early in after only five months?  

Was it convenience or because it was the next step towards building a future together?  

I'll be honest, after his comment^, I'm a bit confused now about the nature of your relationship.

I don’t think I worded it properly but it was me that said to him ,even if we don’t work out . I was basically just giving him friendly advice for the future in case we were to break up.  I’m not sure why we rushed the moving in together, but I’m all honesty , it just felt right , he was always here anyway and I take bits of comfort in things like where he is decorating the front room, we have just done the bedroom. And also he is already discussing our 2nd holiday for next year ( he took me away as a surprise on aug for my 35th birthday) I honestly like to think he’s intentions are pure , I guess I should start going by how he treats me rather than the way he treated the other females before me x

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

I guess I should start going by how he treats me rather than the way he treated the other females before me x

It's still early in the relationship to conclude he treats you better. People don't change really. The things I accused my ex-husband back when we were married are the same things his following wife accused him of 20 years later. Keep an eye open, listen to what family says, listen to your daughter's impression of him. I personally think you are taking on a lot, a man with 2 babies with 2 moms, a man with no extra money and he won't have extra money for the next 15 years, and a man who had/has alcohol issues. Yes, the way he treated women before you is important. 

Good luck with everything.