Boyfriends exes are very young

October 28, 2020

Big red flags everywhere. Take the rose colored glasses off and see that this guy makes poor decisions, and hey 7 months with ups and downs is the precursor of what's to come. Why would you want to be with someone who is irresponsible, has to pay support to his illegitimate kids, two that he knows of, possibly more. He's unstable. Don't think for a moment he's turned a new leaf and he's straightened himself out. Your gut instinct is screaming at you to run....you better listen to it.

October 28, 2020

49 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

I can’t fathom why older men would want to go near 18 year olds full stop .

Because it's part of the normal human experience to be sexually attracted to someone in their prime?

Heck, maybe you're attracted to him for similar reasons.

October 28, 2020

2 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

...he is 31 ...he has two children by two different mums .... the kids are still very young (5 and 6 years old). ... advice from an outside perspective. Thank you for reading

Frankly for me I wonder about his judgment, two kids with two different women, within a 5 year period it seems. Also if I am reading the ages right, within about a year of having the first kid with the first woman he had a second kid with a second woman. Need I explain how there are more red flags here than a Russian May Day parade?

And if you were thinking long term with this guy, unless he is absent form the kids lives (which could be the case) he has two kids from two families he has responsibilities to for at lest 10 more years, are you up for that? Certainly don't trust him if he says he has birth control covered unless you want to be baby mamma number 3.

Edited October 28, 2020 by SumGuy

October 28, 2020

2 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

That’s exactly what he says too, he has said that he went for younger women as he had no confidence to meet a woman around his own age. He’s very good at reassurance and your right , I’m very anxious and I’m extremely insecure. I just worry he will drop me later on down the line for younger. Maybe us women are really hard on ourselves . X

He will drop you down the line because he is irresponsible and easily leaves relationships when the shine wears off.

October 28, 2020

1 hour ago, LauraKelly said:

Yeh he moved into mine a couple of months ago, maybe I’m just panicking and overthinking I dunno:/

I really need to read all posts then posts. Holy Moly! He moved in, lets just say then he is on his best behavior because you are helping support him, which is not surprising if he already has 2 child support obligations. Of course he has some charm, after all how do you think he got 2 baby mommas?

As to your other posts about a 16 year old daughter and 20 year old relative. Of course you should be worried, even more so if you don't understand how he went after barely legal girls and had kids with them in the first place. I know it is prejudice to say, but I find it very hard to square his actions with a person I could trust around my 16 year old daughter (I actually have an 18 year old daughter).

I don't think you are overthinking this.

October 28, 2020

You're posting because these are red flags, which is understandable.

That said, people do change over time, they can, indeed genuinely turn over a new leaf etc. Maybe he's with you precisely because he doesn't want to be that guy who got two young women pregnant anymore?

Hard to say for sure, but it ALWAYS is, no? I'd say keep an eye on him for any NEW red flags, but in the meantime if you're actually happy in the relationship, then no sense shooting yourself in the foot.

October 28, 2020

28 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Because it's part of the normal human experience to be sexually attracted to someone in their prime?

Heck, maybe you're attracted to him for similar reasons.

But that’s exactly my point, of course I’m sexually attracted to him, that’s one of the reasons I’m with him, but he’s old enough at the age of 31, I’m 35 . So what I’m wondering is, if he is attracted to young girls, why on earth is he with me .

October 28, 2020

31 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

So what I’m wondering is, if he is attracted to young girls, why on earth is he with me .

Because you gave him a roof over his head and you give him access to your close family of young girls...
Men who lust after young girls may target the mother of a young girl...

Look, he may be a great guy with not a bad bone in his body, but just be careful.

October 28, 2020

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

So in the back of your mind, you don't trust him around your 16 year old daughter and your 20 year old niece? You should NOT be living with this guy.

OP, please read and repeat the above as many times as it takes for it to sink in. This guy's track record is certainly reason to believe that his judgment is extremely poor, possibly criminal. And the fact that you have a concern about his potential for attraction to your relatives is reason enough to walk. That is not a red flag, that's a red aircraft carrier. A good, stable partner will not leave you any room to worry that he might be interested in your teenage daughter.

Edited October 28, 2020 by lana-banana

October 28, 2020

1 hour ago, LauraKelly said:

So what I’m wondering is, if he is attracted to young girls, why on earth is he with me .

You have very black-and-white thinking. Just because he was involved with two young women in the past, doesn't mean that he can't be attracted to a 35-year-old now.

October 28, 2020

1 hour ago, LauraKelly said:

But that’s exactly my point, of course I’m sexually attracted to him, that’s one of the reasons I’m with him, but he’s old enough at the age of 31, I’m 35 . So what I’m wondering is, if he is attracted to young girls, why on earth is he with me .

Presumably, you have been attracted to men who are older than you before. So, one might ask why you are with this younger guy.

If the women were 18 when he had sex with them (a very big "if"), I don't see where the problem is. I assume he was looking to have sex, not to get married to them. So their emotional maturity probably wasn't a factor. His big mistake was not using protection.

18 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You have very black-and-white thinking. Just because he was involved with two young women in the past, doesn't mean that he can't be attracted to a 35-year-old now.

Precisely.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Acacia98

October 28, 2020

4 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

I feel like I’m gunna start to feel under pressure as I get older...

.. he’s not actually done anything wrong and makes it clear he’s not interested in these girls but I can’t but feel conscious .

I'm not dismissing the other posts about him having two kids with teenage girls, and his bad choices in that regard, as they are quite valid. But reading your original post (in part quoted above), I'm wondering what the real issue for you is.

You admit you are self-conscious and insecure, about what exactly? Is it their youth or their attractiveness associated with? OR your insecurity about your own attractiveness especially as you get older?

Do you fear as you age, your beauty will fade and he will then seek out a younger, more attractive woman?

I have no idea, just asking because some, perhaps even many women do have this fear when dating younger men.

If that is your fear, I have an opinion (and advice) but will refrain from answering until you clarify what exactly is troubling you and causing such insecurity and anxiety.

Edited October 28, 2020 by poppyfields

October 28, 2020

I think you are being affected by our society's increasing disapproval of age-gaps in relationships. Just because he has been involved with younger women in the past doesn't mean that he can't be attracted to you, or that your daughters are at risk. There are a couple of red flags in this situation regarding his judgment, but the age thing isn't one of them.

My husband is in his mid 30's, as am I. We have multiple partners in our relationship, and his Wife #2 is way younger than me. She's still in her early 20's, and they've been together since she was barely 18. Definitely makes me self-conscious that I'm older and not nearly as cute. But his relationship with me is different than his relationship with her. He and I have been friends for 20+ years - we're old comrades, more like brother and sister. That doesn't really happen as easily when there's a significant age difference.

Your partner's relationship with you will be unique. Stay watchful since the relationship is still new, but don't automatically throw the relationship away due to worry.

October 28, 2020

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm not dismissing the other posts about him having two kids with teenage girls, and his bad choices in that regard, as they are quite valid. But reading your original post (in part quoted above), I'm wondering what the real issue for you is.

You admit you are self-conscious and insecure, about what exactly? Is it their youth or their attractiveness associated with? OR your insecurity about your own attractiveness especially as you get older?

Do you fear as you age, your beauty will fade and he will then seek out a younger, more attractive woman?

I have no idea, just asking because some, perhaps even many women do have this fear when dating younger men.

If that is your fear, I have an opinion (and advice) but will refrain from answering until you clarify what exactly is troubling you and causing such insecurity and anxiety.

Yeh I guess I just feel like why is he with me, when he could have so much younger and has done so. I literally look at myself thinking “what is it about me” . He is very good with me and goes out of his way every day and we have such a laugh together and do so many nice things, but I just can’t help thinking about the future when I’m older ,he’s older , will he want to go back to his old ways of getting with young girls (as he most definitely can) he’s very good looking , I’m not saying I’m unattractive or anything but at the same time I can’t help but wonder what if .

October 28, 2020

Just now, LauraKelly said:

Yeh I guess I just feel like why is he with me, when he could have so much younger and has done so. I literally look at myself thinking “what is it about me” .

Straight up ask him. I am 5 years older then my husband. When we first got together I was terribly bothered by the fact that if went 5 years younger she'd be in her 20s while I was pushing 40. That discussion calmed my fears.

October 28, 2020

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Straight up ask him. I am 5 years older then my husband. When we first got together I was terribly bothered by the fact that if went 5 years younger she'd be in her 20s while I was pushing 40. That discussion calmed my fears.

It’s horrible isn’t it, over thinking , your husband obviously loves you otherwise you wouldn’t be able to call him your husband , he put a ring a ring on your finger yeh I will ask him outright when he’s home from work, I need a glass of wine lol

October 28, 2020

28 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

Yeh I guess I just feel like why is he with me, when he could have so much younger and has done so. I literally look at myself thinking “what is it about me” . He is very good with me and goes out of his way every day and we have such a laugh together and do so many nice things, but I just can’t help thinking about the future when I’m older ,he’s older , will he want to go back to his old ways of getting with young girls (as he most definitely can) he’s very good looking , I’m not saying I’m unattractive or anything but at the same time I can’t help but wonder what if .

First off, younger does NOT automatically equate to more attractive so if that's what's troubling you, delete that thought.

Secondly, you are only four years older, I would hardly consider this a typical "older woman/younger man" scenario.

Thirdly, even if he were older than you and had not dated younger women, would you not feel that same pressure re your own attractiveness as you got older?

Older men are just as likely to seek out younger, more attractive woman; younger men do not have the market cornered on that.

So it sounds like this is a general insecurity about aging, losing your attractiveness. Not uncommon.

Jmo but I think when you feel good about yourself, confident and secure, from within, this would not be such an issue.

He is attracted to you, most likely for a myriad of reasons; have faith and trust in your mutual connection, and try to not worry yourself about his past, and other women, younger, older or whatever.

Focus on the present. Enjoy! Keep yourself healthy, exercise, stay in shape, be the best you can be. For you!

Let your inner and outer beauty shine, trust me he will notice and not want to let you go!

Edited October 28, 2020 by poppyfields

October 28, 2020

The main concern to me would be that he got two barely legal teenagers, that he was not in a serious relationship with, pregnant in quick succession, while he was a mid-twenties adult. Not one, but two. Did he not learn from the first time? That says something pretty dark about his judgement.

October 28, 2020

4 hours ago, LauraKelly said:

Yeh he moved into mine a couple of months ago, maybe I’m just panicking and overthinking I dunno:/

I will be blunt. So he moved in with you after barely 5 months dating and you wonder why he made 2 young women pregnant at not even 1 year apart. He moves fast, he moves without thinking it through and that's why he attracted (was attracted) toward younger women. You may be 35 but you move like a young women with no experience. That's why he's with you.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Gaeta

October 28, 2020

41 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

Yeh I guess I just feel like why is he with me, when he could have so much younger and has done so. I literally look at myself thinking “what is it about me”

I have the same thoughts! You aren't alone in this. Since I married my husband 3 years ago, I've spent almost the entire time pregnant. I didn't consider myself to be all the attractive before, and I'm definitely not when I look like I've swallowed a basketball. I wonder why he cares about me when he's got younger, cuter partners. But I'm next to him every night. Sometimes if he's been out late working, he comes home and wakes me up just because he wants to talk to me. So there's aspects of a relationship that go beyond looks and age.

October 28, 2020

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I will be blunt. So he moved in with you after barely 5 months dating and you wonder why he made 2 young women pregnant at not even 1 year apart. He moves fast, he moves without thinking it through and that's why he attracted (was attracted) toward younger women. You may be 35 but you move like a young women with no experience. That's why he's with you.

Well I guess I should consider myself the lucky one then as I’m not pregnant, and I can kick him out at any given moment because the flat is mine , not that silly and “inexperienced “ as you may think

October 28, 2020

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

First off, younger does NOT automatically equate to more attractive so if that's what's troubling you, delete that thought.

Secondly, you are only four years older, I would hardly consider this a typical "older woman/younger man" scenario.

Thirdly, even if he were older than you and had not dated younger women, would you not feel that same pressure re your own attractiveness as you got older?

Older men are just as likely to seek out younger, more attractive woman; younger men do not have the market cornered on that.

So it sounds like this is a general insecurity about aging, losing your attractiveness. Not uncommon.

Jmo but I think when you feel good about yourself, confident and secure, from within, this would not be such an issue.

He is attracted to you, most likely for a myriad of reasons; have faith and trust in your mutual connection, and try to not worry yourself about his past, and other women, younger, older or whatever.

Focus on the present. Enjoy!  Keep yourself healthy, exercise, stay in shape, be the best you can be. For you!

Let your inner and outer beauty shine, trust me he will notice and not want to let you go!

I love this and I think you have hit the nail on the head , I definitely need to gain more confidence in myself and stop comparing myself to others. Thank you for your helpful and honest reply , it helped me a lot x

October 28, 2020

31 minutes ago, LauraKelly said:

I can kick him out at any given moment because the flat is mine , not that silly and “inexperienced “ as you may think

Nah, you won't, you said you were already in love and attached.

Yes you act like an inexperienced young woman. You moved in a man you barely knew, a man with 2 little kids who had no time to adapt to dad's new girlfriend. I wonder how many dad's girlfriends they had to adjust to. Is this guy working? Does he financially provide for his 2 daughters? What was the rush to move him in? How did he end up getting 2 women pregnant at practically the same time? How long ago he left mom #2? Here you are 7 months in and already counting the ups & downs. Yes, there is material here to debate if you are experienced or not.

October 28, 2020

Oh OK. Thanks for clarifying what you meant by “ups and downs.” it did sound a lot more dramatic phrased that way .

That aside though, this whole thing sounds ratchet as f. If you don’t trust your live-in boyfriend to not be interested in your teenage daughter, that’s pretty messed up

October 28, 2020

Wait....you moved in a man after dating 5 months when you have a 16 year old daughter??

Edited October 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

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