LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) Hi ya , I’m new to the forum and iam just looking for advice really. So basically I met a guy online and we have now been together for 7 months. We have had our ups and downs but generally things are great and there is a lot of love there on both sides. I’m 35, he is 31 so already I’m the older person which at times , can be hard given the fact that he has two children by two different mums who are both in there early 20s. I knew they was younger , say around 26 but only yesterday I found out exactly how young they were by looking through social media. It’s not really an issue at the moment but I’m thinking into the future, as in my head ,I can’t get my head around the fact he’s dated , slept with girls much younger than himself and myself, yet he’s in a full on relationship with me who is older than him. I feel like I’m gunna start to feel under pressure as I get older and they will still be young and very much part of his life as he has kids with them , the kids are still very young (5 and 6 years old). I kinda wish I knew this before I got with him and become attached and in love , he’s not actually done anything wrong and makes it clear he’s not interested in these girls but I can’t but feel conscious . Is there anyone is the same situation or has advice from an outside perspective. Thank you for reading Edited October 28, 2020 by LauraKelly Spelling
Blind-Sided Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Well... the kids are 5/6... add almost a year for the actual pregnancy... and that pushing 7 years from the time of "Bad decisions." People do a lot of growing up from their 20's, into their 30's. So on that point... it's not so bad. BUT... my problem would be... he has 2 kids that he will be responsible for... for the next 12 years, to two women who he didn't have a real commitment with. 4
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Their ages are their ages. I'd be more concerned about the 2 baby mamas. The 6 year old was born when he was 25 so how old was the mom at the time. If she had the word teen in her age when she gave birth that is tough because she would have been an inappropriate partner for him. 5
Calmandfocused Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 The first thing you need to realise is that this is your anxiety that you need to address. I couldn’t see anything in your opening post that suggests your bf has the same concerns, or compares you in any way to his younger exes. Age Is not who a person is. Yes it’s an identifiable label, yes it can have implications from a maturity level etc but it doesn’t mean that his exes are “better” and more attractive than you simply because they are younger. Maybe your bf wanted someone more mature for a specific reason? Have you actually asked him? I do understand though. I am currently dating at 41 and I do sometimes experience thoughts such as “why would he want a woman of my age when he could have someone younger?” ... but then I remind myself of all I have to offer and that I shouldn’t put myself down just because of my age. Maybe you should do the same.
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) I agree with Donnovain. The red flag here is not their ages so much but the fact that he has two baby mamas at 31. Also at seven months you really should not have had “ups and downs”. That sounds super dramatic for such a short time Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 5
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 I know , and I do think about that as a responsibility as we have his kids everybody other weekend all weekend, but that doesn’t bother me if I’m honest , it’s mainly the ages of the mums and it makes me feel a bit sick. I think the girls would have been around 18 or so when he got one pregnant then another one not long after. It’s just the future that concerns me. I have a daughter who is 16. And after realising that there is just 7 years difference between the age of my daughter and his kids mum that’s when I felt abit cringed out x
Fletch Lives Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Relax - he loves you and you have your hooks in him. Love trumps age! 2
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: The first thing you need to realise is that this is your anxiety that you need to address. I couldn’t see anything in your opening post that suggests your bf has the same concerns, or compares you in any way to his younger exes. Age Is not who a person is. Yes it’s an identifiable label, yes it can have implications from a maturity level etc but it doesn’t mean that his exes are “better” and more attractive than you simply because they are younger. Maybe your bf wanted someone more mature for a specific reason? Have you actually asked him? I do understand though. I am currently dating at 41 and I do sometimes experience thoughts such as “why would he want a woman of my age when he could have someone younger?” ... but then I remind myself of all I have to offer and that I shouldn’t put myself down just because of my age. Maybe you should do the same. That’s exactly what he says too, he has said that he went for younger women as he had no confidence to meet a woman around his own age. He’s very good at reassurance and your right , I’m very anxious and I’m extremely insecure. I just worry he will drop me later on down the line for younger. Maybe us women are really hard on ourselves . X
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I agree with Donnovain. The red flag here is not their ages so much but the fact that he has two baby mamas at 31. Also at seven months you really should not have had “ups and downs”. That sounds super dramatic for such a short time I know what you mean, but it’s nothing serious , but we have argued over silly things , I kinda put it down to getting to know each other and learning what each other likes dislikes . We don’t argue often , but we both are very upfront and if we have something to say , we say it lol
introverted1 Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 41 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: I know , and I do think about that as a responsibility as we have his kids everybody other weekend all weekend, but that doesn’t bother me if I’m honest , it’s mainly the ages of the mums and it makes me feel a bit sick. I think the girls would have been around 18 or so when he got one pregnant then another one not long after. It’s just the future that concerns me. I have a daughter who is 16. And after realising that there is just 7 years difference between the age of my daughter and his kids mum that’s when I felt abit cringed out x Are you living with your bf?
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 40 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: That’s exactly what he says too, he has said that he went for younger women as he had no confidence to meet a woman around his own age. He’s very good at reassurance and your right , I’m very anxious and I’m extremely insecure. I just worry he will drop me later on down the line for younger. Maybe us women are really hard on ourselves . X I'm older then my husband so I understand your concerns about your age v his preferences. That said as an adult who was old enough to go to bars he got TEENAGERS pregnant. I don't buy the lack of confidence thing. I think he liked the power trip & hero worship that always comes with those life differences. You should be creeped out. I'd also watch my 16 year old daughter VERY carefully around him given his preference for too young. 4
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 4 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Are you living with your bf? Yeh he moved into mine a couple of months ago, maybe I’m just panicking and overthinking I dunno:/
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I'm older then my husband so I understand your concerns about your age v his preferences. That said as an adult who was old enough to go to bars he got TEENAGERS pregnant. I don't buy the lack of confidence thing. I think he liked the power trip & hero worship that always comes with those life differences. You should be creeped out. I'd also watch my 16 year old daughter VERY carefully around him given his preference for too young. That’s what I’m wondering, my daughter is a very beautiful slim blonde . As is my niece who is 20, so yeh I do sometimes feel cautious about things like that . I think that’s why I find it so hard to accept the young girls he got pregnant, because I have close family of girls in that age bracket. It makes me weary and it makes me wonder how on earth he could have sex with girls that young as I view them as really young girls because I look after girls that age as a mother and an aunt x
ShyViolet Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Their ages are not the point. Stop comparing yourself to them in terms of age. The real issue is just that he has two kids by two different women. Do you really want to get involved with someone who has that kind of baggage? And I'm reading that you've only been dating him for 7 months and you've already moved in together. That is way too fast and kind of impulsive. Why did he move into your place? Did he not have a stable place of his own?
introverted1 Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: Yeh he moved into mine a couple of months ago, maybe I’m just panicking and overthinking I dunno:/ You've been together 7 months and he moved in at the 5 month mark and there are 3 children in the mix? Sorry, OP, but this sounds like both you and your bf have some impetuousness to deal with. He apparently got two teenagers pregnant whilst in his mid-20's and you've now brought him and his two girls into the home you share with your 16yo. What was the rush in living together, especially given that things have been "up and down" (your description)? Are you hoping that having him live with you will solidify the relationship? Edited October 28, 2020 by introverted1
ShyViolet Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 1 minute ago, LauraKelly said: That’s what I’m wondering, my daughter is a very beautiful slim blonde . As is my niece who is 20, so yeh I do sometimes feel cautious about things like that . I think that’s why I find it so hard to accept the young girls he got pregnant, because I have close family of girls in that age bracket. So in the back of your mind, you don't trust him around your 16 year old daughter and your 20 year old niece? You should NOT be living with this guy. 5
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 6 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: Yeh he moved into mine a couple of months ago, maybe I’m just panicking and overthinking I dunno:/ OMG. You have only been dating for 7 months. He moved in with you "a couple of months ago." Good heavens. Wayyyyyy too fast. What kind of example are you setting for your teenaged daughter? Yikes He get's a built in babysitter -- - you -- for his small children. If you weren't right there putting a roof over his head & giving him regular sex it would put a crimp in his dating & sex life having his kids every other weekend. Do you think he'd spend as much time with these toddlers if you didn't enable it? I don't . The fact that you live with this man & had to google his baby mamas because you haven't met them is appalling to me. It doesn't say much about them that they entrust the care of their children to a woman they have never even laid eyes on. This gets worse & worse. 4
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 No! He has never done anything towards my daughter or niece , not a comment, not a side glance , absolutely nothing , don’t get it twisted. But what I’m saying is, is that he has had sex with 18 year old girls when he was younger (25) and my niece is 20. She’s an adult , but I’m trying to work out his preference, obviously he wouldn’t look at my daughter like that , but still , what I’m saying is , she isn’t far off 18 and I still view her as a baby , I can’t fathom why older men would want to go near 18 year olds full stop .
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: OMG. You have only been dating for 7 months. He moved in with you "a couple of months ago." Good heavens. Wayyyyyy too fast. What kind of example are you setting for your teenaged daughter? Yikes He get's a built in babysitter -- - you -- for his small children. If you weren't right there putting a roof over his head & giving him regular sex it would put a crimp in his dating & sex life having his kids every other weekend. Do you think he'd spend as much time with these toddlers if you didn't enable it? I don't . The fact that you live with this man & had to google his baby mamas because you haven't met them is appalling to me. It doesn't say much about them that they entrust the care of their children to a woman they have never even laid eyes on. This gets worse & worse. I have met them , but I didn’t stand there and ask their ages, I assumed around 26 years old or so. Why bring my daughter into this, my daughter lives with her nan and father close to her school so this doesn’t affect her . Your jumping to conclusions and your assuming before asking ,
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) Why do young girls date aging rock stars? Because they are rich rock stars. Why do rock stars date young girls? Because they can. We living a world that worships youth. Your guy likes 'em young. You don't know him well enough to live with him. Think of it this way, if you knew how old the baby mamas were when you 1st met him would you have really introduced him to your slim, blonde 16 year old let alone but her in a situation where he sees her across the breakfast table? Sorry but better safe then sorry. Do not dismiss these concerns out of hand even if she doesn't live with you. The pace of this & all the other factors have raised my "spidey senses." Read some of my other posts. I don't often jump to conclusions but this there is just something about it that reads terribly off to me. For your sake I hope I'm wrong. Usually I'm the one saying give somebody a chance. This. . . please be careful Edited October 28, 2020 by d0nnivain 1
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 Just now, d0nnivain said: Why do young girls date aging rock stars? Because they are rich rock stars. Why do rock stars date young girls? Because they can. We living a world that worships youth. Your guy likes 'em young. You don't know him well enough to live with him. Think of it this way, if you knew how old the baby mamas were when you 1st met him would you have really introduced him to your slim, blonde 16 year old let alone but her in a situation where he sees her across the breakfast table? Sorry but better safe then sorry. Do not dismiss these concerns out of hand. I get what your saying but my daughter doesn’t live here , it’s just me and him. He has met my daughter of course but it wasn’t weird or anything, it was just normal, that isn’t my concern . But yeh I think your right in the respect of me not knowing him well enough , as I probably wouldn’t of met him had I of known his past with the young girls he got pregnant.
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 8 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: I have met them , but I didn’t stand there and ask their ages, I assumed around 26 years old or so. When you met them, they were probably 24ish so your assessment that they were 26 is not off. But doing the math in your head it should have caused you to ask about how old they were when they got pregnant. It was a concern because you did some internet sleuthing & figured it out. Obviously it bothered you. Just keep your eyes open. Ask a LOT of Qs going forward.
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Their ages are not the point. Stop comparing yourself to them in terms of age. The real issue is just that he has two kids by two different women. Do you really want to get involved with someone who has that kind of baggage? And I'm reading that you've only been dating him for 7 months and you've already moved in together. That is way too fast and kind of impulsive. Why did he move into your place? Did he not have a stable place of his own? I don’t mind the fact he has young kids, I love our weekends together going out doing stuff, walks, baking etc , as my daughter is grown up and does her own thing it’s nice to have the kids here and do nice things. He had a house (private rented) before he moved in here which he shared with a friend , he was here pretty much 24/7 so we just figured it was easier to move in here at mine.
Author LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: When you met them, they were probably 24ish so your assessment that they were 26 is not off. But doing the math in your head it should have caused you to ask about how old they were when they got pregnant. It was a concern because you did some internet sleuthing & figured it out. Obviously it bothered you. Just keep your eyes open. Ask a LOT of Qs going forward. Well, 23 and yeh I get what your saying but at that time I was in such a love bubble , I didn’t ask any questions, I just knew they were younger, and things are good with us, I didn’t wanna ruin it , but obviously time went on and then finding out yesterday she’s only 23 and I think the other mum is around that age too just got me thinking , and yes it did bother me as it has opened a can of worms in my head .
Acacia98 Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, LauraKelly said: I just worry he will drop me later on down the line for younger. Maybe us women are really hard on ourselves . X He may. Or you may dump him for being too young. Or you may spend the rest of your lives together. Or you may break up for other reasons. Whatever happens, I honestly think you'll be okay. It sounds like you've already been through some tough experiences (as a mother to a 16-year-old who is not with her father) and you've survived. Edited October 28, 2020 by Acacia98 1
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