GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Oh yea you really missed your chances big time, OP. With this guy who at best is pathological level obsessive about his sleep and at worst is a manipulator who doesn’t treat women with basic human dignity. Should’ve taken your time with this one [/sarc] If he's so bad, why sleep with him?
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 9 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I have a different take then everybody else. He may have told you about his sleep issues but you didn't know until you saw this in action up close & personal. It's a real issue for him & seems to dominate his life. I doubt this is fully a choice. I don't see meanness on his part. I see a guy trapped in an OCD thing that he doesn't have the words to explain. You have your panties in a twist because after some post sex back & forth when he point blank told you he was not functioning well after having his sleep disrupted, you are upset that it has been a whole 9 hours since you heard from him. You say that is the longest you have ever gone without speaking. So if he goes to be at 10 is he really blowing up your phone at 7 a.m. every morning? That would annoy the heck out of me from a man I hadn't met or only went on 1 date with even if we did have sex. As for your statement above that I quoted, that is a pet peeve of mine. IMO it's an unfair "s*** test" where you don't take any action but instead sit & stew getting madder & madder because somebody you barely know can't read your mind. Now that is passive aggressive & sooooo unfair. You don't like what's going on with him & whatever weirdness happened around his sleep schedule. OK fine. I think it's pretty odd too but instead of addressing it with him like a mature adult you are sitting there waiting for him to figure out that you are upset & why. That is totally not fair. If all of this made you never want to deal with him again, that is legitimate but then you wouldn't care enough to even post this thread. So you do want to pursue this but you are unwilling to take any action to move things forward. Listen to your friend. Reach out to him if you want to move forward. If you are done, be done & stop caring. I suggested OCD as well. However, I don't agree with you on the rest of your post. Seriously, a guy like this sounds undatable. Unless he can get his $h!t sorted with regards to his very rigid sleeping requirements, then he should remain single. One would hope that he never has kids!
poppyfields Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Unless he can get his $h!t sorted with regards to his very rigid sleeping requirements, then he should remain single. Lol, unless he can get his shyt sorted with regards to treating a woman he just had sex with (for the first time no less) respectfully and not throw her out immediately thereafter, acting annoyed, then he should remain single. I have my doubts the sleeping issue is even true. He simply wanted her gone after sex, that's my take. Edited October 28, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Just now, poppyfields said: Lol, unless he can get his shyt sorted with regards to treating a woman he just had sex with (for the first time no less) respectfully and not throw her out immediately thereafter, acting annoyed, then he should remain single. Well, yeah. There is that. However, I'm humoring the notion that his sleeping issue is so significant that it's rendered him socially inept and semi-dysfunctional. So, either way, the dude should remain single. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Gonna have to ask opie that one. Hopefully she had fun. But I don’t think she’s missing out on anything with this person
MsJayne Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Good grief! I'm surprised this ill-mannered wally didn't offer you payment before he walked you to the door. If he wanted to go to bed he could have just invited you to stay over and woken you up early for work. No woman deserves to be treated like this, and if he's this rude after a couple of dates imagine how he'd be in a relationship. Probably make you sleep in the hallway in a basket in case your breathing messed up his sleep pattern.
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 On 10/28/2020 at 5:37 AM, schlumpy said: When you were at his home did you notice anything else? Was everything a bit too neat and in it's place? Were towels placed with hotel precision in the bathroom? His reaction to getting off schedule suggests an obsessive personality. BTW, do find that sex on the first date helps to create a long term relationship? If that is of interest to you. I did actually. He was super, super neat. I even commented on his bathroom was cleaner than mine was.
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 On 10/28/2020 at 5:37 AM, schlumpy said: When you were at his home did you notice anything else? Was everything a bit too neat and in it's place? Were towels placed with hotel precision in the bathroom? His reaction to getting off schedule suggests an obsessive personality. BTW, do find that sex on the first date helps to create a long term relationship? If that is of interest to you. This wasn't our first date. 1
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 On 10/28/2020 at 6:43 AM, snowboy91 said: I wouldn't feel dumb. He's trying to pretend that he's OK with you staying as long as you want to keep you happy and hiding signs to the best of his ability, when secretly he does get frustrated with your visits messing up his sleep schedule. Or he's even trying to convince himself that he can adapt around you, and gets cranky and tired when it turns out he can't. Either way, he isn't able to assert himself all that well, so it's going to be a lot of effort going forward to get the truth out of him, unless you can have an honest conversation about expectations where he doesn't feel forced. He did end up calling me after the 8 hours of silence. We only talked for a few minutes. But yeah, he's still been pretty distant.
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 On 10/28/2020 at 7:59 AM, d0nnivain said: I have a different take then everybody else. He may have told you about his sleep issues but you didn't know until you saw this in action up close & personal. It's a real issue for him & seems to dominate his life. I doubt this is fully a choice. I don't see meanness on his part. I see a guy trapped in an OCD thing that he doesn't have the words to explain. You have your panties in a twist because after some post sex back & forth when he point blank told you he was not functioning well after having his sleep disrupted, you are upset that it has been a whole 9 hours since you heard from him. You say that is the longest you have ever gone without speaking. So if he goes to be at 10 is he really blowing up your phone at 7 a.m. every morning? That would annoy the heck out of me from a man I hadn't met or only went on 1 date with even if we did have sex. As for your statement above that I quoted, that is a pet peeve of mine. IMO it's an unfair "s*** test" where you don't take any action but instead sit & stew getting madder & madder because somebody you barely know can't read your mind. Now that is passive aggressive & sooooo unfair. You don't like what's going on with him & whatever weirdness happened around his sleep schedule. OK fine. I think it's pretty odd too but instead of addressing it with him like a mature adult you are sitting there waiting for him to figure out that you are upset & why. That is totally not fair. If all of this made you never want to deal with him again, that is legitimate but then you wouldn't care enough to even post this thread. So you do want to pursue this but you are unwilling to take any action to move things forward. Listen to your friend. Reach out to him if you want to move forward. If you are done, be done & stop caring. You're really assuming a lot. I DID try to talk to him about it like an adult. After he made that comment, I tried to have a conversation with him about it and told him in the future that he can let me know when he's ready to start getting ready for bed and I'll leave. Also, this was the course of my whole work day so I can't just stop my job to start yet another conversation with him about it. We did end up speaking on the phone about it that night. And yes, he really does text me at like 7am when he wakes up. Really doesn't annoy me as I'm already awake and starting my day anyways. And we had more than one date. I don't know where everyone is getting that this was the first date. I would never go to someone's house on a first date.
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 22 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: You hooked up with him before he got a chance to get to know you and see what makes you different from other women. That's too much, too soon. He's probably wondering how many times you've gone to a man's house on the second date. He may have been sincerely interested, but you hurt your own chances. I hate this sentiment. So it's my fault for hooking up with him? He hooked up with me too....why am I the one who has to feel shame about it? 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 4 minutes ago, kenziejane said: He was super, super neat. I even commented on his bathroom was cleaner than mine was. I went out a few times with a guy kind of like that, years back. He'd forgotten to mention that his long-distance girlfriend often came for visits and had added her "woman's touch" to the place 1
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 16 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: If he's so bad, why sleep with him? He's not at all. We had a really amazing first date and had great conversation. Up until that moment, he seemed genuinely like a lovely human being.
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 16 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I suggested OCD as well. However, I don't agree with you on the rest of your post. Seriously, a guy like this sounds undatable. Unless he can get his $h!t sorted with regards to his very rigid sleeping requirements, then he should remain single. One would hope that he never has kids! Honestly, the more I think about it I have to agree. I think he has some sort of form of OCD.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, kenziejane said: He's not at all. We had a really amazing first date and had great conversation. Up until that moment, he seemed genuinely like a lovely human being. Just about everyone is awesome in the beginning, because you're getting his or her representative--not the day to day real person. Just something to keep in mind. Edited October 29, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1
poppyfields Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) Hey Kenzie, any plans to see each other again? Do you want to? No judgment from me re having sex on second date. My ex and I had sex the first night we met, it wasn't even a date! Lol And he asked me to be exclusive two days later and we were together six years. Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 42 minutes ago, kenziejane said: You're really assuming a lot. I DID try to talk to him about it like an adult. I wasn't attacking you. Sorry if it seemed like I was. My point was this guy's sleep issues don't seem intentionally mean towards you. They are a factor that makes him tough to date. To the extent he was rude & dismissive to you about it & wouldn't have a conversation indicates that he has little potential as a long term partner. His sleep & his lack of common courtesy make him more trouble then he's worth, IMO. My only point was that at least the sleep issue wasn't fully intentional; I'm not sure he can control it. It's a mental health thing. If he's impolite on top of being quirky (to put it mildly) that's not much incentive for you to keep going with him. Why roll a boulder uphill? 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Well, some people have jobs they have to keep. Why not find out his schedule and abide by it? On the other hand, he could have a mental issue?
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Hey Kenzie, any plans to see each other again? Do you want to? No judgment from me re having sex on second date. My ex and I had sex the first night we met, it wasn't even a date! Lol And he asked me to be exclusive two days later and we were together six years. I would consider seeing him again if he asked. I'm hesitant to try and make plans with him after he said he needed to 'reset' after his schedule was messed up....
Author kenziejane Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: Well, some people have jobs they have to keep. Why not find out his schedule and abide by it? On the other hand, he could have a mental issue? I guess my thing is that he could've asked me to leave earlier, but he really gave no indication he wanted me to go. Not in words or actions. So I really was surprised when he seemed so miffed with me about not getting to bed at his usual time.
kendahke Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 4 hours ago, kenziejane said: I hate this sentiment. So it's my fault for hooking up with him? He hooked up with me too....why am I the one who has to feel shame about it? No--it's not solely your fault--but what you are being chided on are your expectations after he dismissed you after having sex with you. The timing of his turnabout is what's suspect to me. His behavior still is telling you he's not here for what you want from him. I wouldn't be waiting for him to call/text for another date. Seems that ship sailed that night.
poppyfields Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, kenziejane said: I guess my thing is that he could've asked me to leave earlier, but he really gave no indication he wanted me to go. Not in words or actions. So I really was surprised when he seemed so miffed with me about not getting to bed at his usual time. I honestly do not believe he was miffed about that. It was an excuse to get you to leave. Because you’re right, IF (massive IF imo) he was so concerned about his sleep, he would have respectfully mentioned this to you, he would have walked you out in a polite manner and asked for a second date. Versus waiting until he was so annoyed at you for simply being there, he shooed you out in the offensive manner that he did. I am sorry but this is looking more and more like he simply wanted you gone after sex. I have never experienced it myself but some of my friends have. It’s debasing and deflating. Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 22 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I honestly do not believe he was miffed about that. It was an excuse to get you to leave. Agree. The only diagnosis here may be "weirdo", because why invite you up for a romantic evening if he's so rigid about his bedtime schedule?
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 5 hours ago, kenziejane said: I hate this sentiment. So it's my fault for hooking up with him? He hooked up with me too....why am I the one who has to feel shame about it? No no no no.... I mean I'm not the one you're quoting but I am one of the people who told you to wait next time so I'll speak for myself, anyway. It isn't about shame!! It's about waiting *because you don't know the person well enough yet*. There's no shame in having sex. Having sex is a natural thing. BUT it can also increase feelings, to an extent. That's just biological. (paging Bill Nye...well, okay, he probably didn't cover this) So it can hurt you if the person just walks afterward. *That's* why next time it's probably smart to wait. Wait to see if the guy has some sort of substance first. You're right. He slept with you too. "Shame, shame" is stupid. Don't listen to that. Just take your time about deciding who to share with. 2
poppyfields Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: It isn't about shame!! It's about waiting *because you don't know the person well enough yet*. There's no shame in having sex. Having sex is a natural thing. BUT it can also increase feelings, to an extent. That's just biological. (paging Bill Nye...well, okay, he probably didn't cover this) So it can hurt you if the person just walks afterward. *That's* why next time it's probably smart to wait. Wait to see if the guy has some sort of substance first. You're right. He slept with you too. "Shame, shame" is stupid. Don't listen to that. Just take your time about deciding who to share with. I agree, however I've been on enough forums, read enough books and articles, talked to enough men, including my brothers to understand that for some men (certainly not all), they won't know what they truly want until after they have sex. There are men on this forum who have attested to this. Shining One is one such man that I can think of off the top of my head. So a woman could wait until the 20th date or however long to have sex, believe she knows the guy, feels that he has substance, trusts that he's sincere about wanting a relationship (and HE may even believe he is too at the time), but then after sex, suddenly he feels completely differently. Not sure why this happens, I only know it does happen that way for some men. It's like in his mind he's thinking "okay I've achieved my goal (of having sex), now what"? He was all gung-ho and excited about her while in the process of achieving his goal (no matter how long it took) but then afterwards, he feels sort of meh, like it's a let down. NOT that the sex was bad, but that the challenge of achieving his goal is gone, which is all it ever really was. Again, for some men, certainly not all. Meanwhile the woman has invested 20 dates, or however many months in this man, in developing the relationship, only to realize that after sex, everything has changed, and he's not the same man she thought him to be before sex. Like I always say, it's ALL a risk no matter how long a woman waits. I had sex with my ex the first night we met, and honestly I had NO expectations that anything would develop OR that he would even contact me again. And judge me if you like, but I was okay with that. We met at an event, there was amazing chemistry and it happened. He did contact me the next day, we saw each other again that night, and the following day he asked me to be exclusive. Dating, sex, relationships, it's all a risk. Edited October 29, 2020 by poppyfields
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