hillman Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I'm living in uni halls, and have posted before about the girl in the room downstairs. At the moment we seem to be progressing towards a relationship of being more than just good friends. I then found out this morning that her boyfriend told her last night that he was going to be visiting for a week. I'm not sure how she feels about this (she didnt seem excited or even particularly pleased, but then, she didnt tell him not to come). The hard part is going to be pretending for a week that we are just friends, and of course its going to be hard not being able to spend time with her. My other concern is that he occaisionally takes drugs - we've already got one drug user in the house - but having two, one of them living with a girl i really care about, is going to be a worry.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I just read your other posts, and it appears you think she is making the moves on you but the things you describe don't really sound like she's treating you any differently than any other 'friend guy' that gets female attention from his 'friend'. She talks to you from time to time and she let you put her arm around her once during a movie - and if that is all you are going on, then I wouldn't go so far as to assume that she wants more than friends right now. If she has kissed you on the mouth (while she is SOBER) with sexual intent, or you have made out - then I'd be inclined to think differently. Some girls tend to be more flirty than others, especially when drunk - and like an ego boost when their boyfriends aren't around and it sounds like she has latched on to you for the attention she gets out of it. The more attention she wants, the more likely it is that she'll do things like lean her head on your shoulder, look up at you with puppydog eyes, flirt with you, get drunk and hang all over you, etc. Pretty much everything except dump her boyfriend and be your girlfriend. Protect your heart. As long as she has a boyfriend, you don't have any real chance despite what it is she is doing. When she breaks up with her boyfriend, then you might have a chance. In the meantime, you are just her friend and you cannot assume more than that. So... That said, while her boyfriend is here - you really shouldn't act any differently than you have been acting around her. Be yourself. I assure you she'll be herself. If you want, make your intentions clear before the boyfriend gets to town. Let her know that you want to date her - be very clear about this so that you can back out of the 'friend guy' situation if that is where you are headed. Also let her know that despite how much you want to date her, you can't do that if she has a boyfriend and perhaps until she is free to date you, the two of you should go your separate ways. If she wants to date you, and knows that she can't have that until she breaks up with her boyfriend - then she will break up with him and come to you. If she does not want to date you, she'll simply let you walk away (and you have to be sure you DO walk away so you won't be setting yourself up to be used). If you simply do nothing and keep on like you are going, she will have no incentive or motivation to break up with her boyfriend. Why would she, if she doesn't have to? By 'being there' you are showing her its ok to have her cake and eat it too, and trust me - if you give her that option, she WILL take it.
Author hillman Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Cheers LB I should say that the other posts are a bit out-of date. She has since kissed me on the lips - albeit briefly - and spends a lot more time with me than with her "best friend" from school, who also lives in the same house. You arent suggesting that while her boyfriend is there i spend time sitting on her bed with her talking to her are you?? I imagine that her boyfriend at least is expecting a degree of privacy. I know that she is concerned that he might be taking drugs again - and she sed this morning that if she finds anything on him she'll kick him out the house immediately - I dont know whether she would actually do so, but she is strongly anti-drugs (I beleive she had a bad experience with them a couple of years ago). If anyone has got any more advice, i'd be really glad to hear it. Otherwise - i'll keep you updated on what happens.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 1. She has since kissed me on the lips - albeit briefly - and spends a lot more time with me than with her "best friend" from school, who also lives in the same house. 2. You arent suggesting that while her boyfriend is there i spend time sitting on her bed with her talking to her are you?? I imagine that her boyfriend at least is expecting a degree of privacy. 3. I know that she is concerned that he might be taking drugs again - and she sed this morning that if she finds anything on him she'll kick him out the house immediately - I dont know whether she would actually do so, but she is strongly anti-drugs (I beleive she had a bad experience with them a couple of years ago). 1. It isn't that out of date - you only met her about three weeks or so ago, right? The 'brief kiss' and spending time together sounds pretty typical. I've done that to my 'friend guys' back when I was guilty of unfairly keeping 'friend guys' hanging on. It still didn't change the fact that she kept her boyfriend. As long as she has a boyfriend you'll have to take any and everything she does with a huge grain of salt. For your own self-preservation - consider yourself her friend, and nothing more until you have made your intent entirely clear. ENTIRELY. 2. That's why you want to lay it on her straight before he even gets there - tell her how you feel about her - be crystal clear about it. Tell her you want to date her, and that you are not interested in 'just friends', and that you cannot continue to see her as long as she has a boyfriend (so, there will be no need to worry about hanging out in her room - you won't be seeing her anyway since you will have told her already that you wouldn't as long as she has a boyfriend). Which leads us to.. 3. Perhaps your being completely clear about what it is you want, and what you will not settle for will give her the motivation to go ahead and make her break with this guy, drugs or no drugs. If she doesn't make her break, then understand she is consciously and willingly choosing him over you. You are giving her a clear choice. Step back and let her make it. Seriously... you do not want to continue whatever it is you have going with this girl if she holds on to this boyfriend, unless you are willing to settle for being just the guy she cheats on her boyfriend with or the type she uses as a 'friend guy' for an ego boost. I'm quite sure you think better of yourself than that! Don't let her see you that way. Let her see you as the type of guy who really wants to be with her, and who values himself enough to walk away if she offers anything less than what he is looking for. A woman ultimately cannot and will not respect or want to be with a man who has so little respect for himself that he will agree to settle for less.
Author hillman Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks for the advice - it seems very sound. However, putting it into practice isnt going to be 100% easy. For example, i would rather be her friend than not have any sort of relationship with her at all - she is a really fun person to be with. Also - I have to live with her for another 8 months at least - so walking away would be impossible. Her boyfriend is arriving tomorrow afternoon (might not have mentioned that in the post above) - i think it unlikely that I am going to have a suitable chance to have that conversation with her. My other concern is that if I put her on the spot like that, she might dislike me for doing so, and choose her existing boyfriend for that reason. I think we still need to get to know each other better before she is able to make such a major decision. If I get a chance tonight (i.e. if we are alone and she is in te right sort of mood) I will mention something. Hopefully she is receiving advice from her best friend, who certainly seems to be on my side (it was her that told me most of the stuff about the drugs, and quite a lot of other stuff about her history). I'll keep you updated if anything happens
Author hillman Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 Just to update you.... The boyfriend is here. Last night I nearly had an opportunity to tell her. At one point I was washing up in the kitchen after a quick snack after getting home (about 1am) and she came in. We ended up having a sort-of water-fight with the washing suds, and then we sat down with a cup of tea together for a while talking. I'd managed to get part way to building up the conversation, when her best friend came down to get a drink, and I couldnt really make the "ultimatum" in front of her. Unfortunately, despite what i've heard about him from the best friend, the boyfriend seems from the short (5 minutes) time that i've seen him to be a decent kind of guy - which makes me feel worse at the prospect of stealing his girl. Unfortunately I was working tonight, so had to rush out rather than getting to know him. When I came back from work, she apparently heard / saw me come back into the building as she came out of the room to speak to me briefly - but obviously she had to get back to her BF so we couldnt talk for long. I'm not sure how i'm going to handle the situation for the week. I guess now that i've missed the opportunity to tell her before he came, I'm just going to have to wait until hes gone.
Recommended Posts