He won't commit

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, notthatintome said:

 What I do fear is going through another break up or being rejected, I have put myself in that position way too many time.  So I will be do my upmost to avoid that from happening again.

Break ups are part of life. They're hard to go through but we get better and we move along smarter and wiser. They are part of what builds us up. If I had not broken up with all my previous boyfriends I would have never met my current boyfriend, who's the right fit for me. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, notthatintome said:

How often did you see each other?  How long did you do it for?  Did you communicate well in between?  So may questions...

I am curious if you've heard from him since you ended things.  I think it was Gaeta who said that if there is even a small part of him that does want to commit to you he'll only discover it once you're gone.

Things like that have been known to happen.

[boymommy]

4 hours ago, notthatintome said:

 

When we met initially, we were both in a sorry state.  He was depressed and slightly overweight.  I was mixed up and, dare I admit it, a little desperate for love and acceptance.  During those summer months we both grew - he lost weight and became motivated again.  I was happier, more engaged in my work, and grew to love and respect myself.  However it has ended, we were good for each other during that time.  I have worked on myself quite extensively and I truly believe that is what has prompted  the recent discussion.  I know what I want and expect, and even though we were happy and enjoy each others company immensely, we are current;u not on the same page and may never be.  I could wait but it's too risky, I still may not be the one for him in two years despite him thinking highly of me. We only ever have the present moment and in this moment I need more - or just a label of being a girlfriend at least.

Thanks for clearing all this up! I am very glad you have grown and know what you want. If you are happy with your decision then I think that is truly all that matters! If you have a time table especially and want kids and stuff then waiting may not work for you. I completely understand this as I am in a MUCH different situation. I am divorced, already have two kids and am not having anymore. So time tables and waiting for a relationship to progress are not as much of an issue for me. I feel like especially in matters of relocation, that takes time to figure out and not everyone is ready or in a position to do that right away. You seem to know what you need and thats important in dating. I agree someone local is probably best for you! I have said this many times but time and time again I find myself in commuter type relationships (1-2 hrs drive away from partner) and it can be difficult. Relocating is always a very tricky issue to navigate! 

Edited October 28, 2020 by boymommy

[notthatintome]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Break ups are part of life. They're hard to go through but we get better and we move along smarter and wiser. They are part of what builds us up. If I had not broken up with all my previous boyfriends I would have never met my current boyfriend, who's the right fit for me. 

I know and i actually enjoy the period of ‘finding yourself’ afterwards.  However, I have gone through a significant amount of loss over the last 4 years and have only just recovered/stabilised.  Just the thought of going through another form of loss is too much.  Maybe in time I will feel different but that time isn’t now. 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

I know and i actually enjoy the period of ‘finding yourself’ afterwards.  However, I have gone through a significant amount of loss over the last 4 years and have only just recovered/stabilised.  Just the thought of going through another form of loss is too much.  Maybe in time I will feel different but that time isn’t now. 

Maybe break ups are so difficult because you wait too long to take action. Longer you remain in a relationship longer it will take for you to recover. You are your own worse enemy. Instead of looking out for yourself you take the path of least resistance....and that's why you find yourself in the role of the victim again and again.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Gaeta

[notthatintome]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am curious if you've heard from him since you ended things.  I think it was Gaeta who said that if there is even a small part of him that does want to commit to you he'll only discover it once you're gone.

Things like that have been known to happen.

I have really appreciated reading your optimism and deep in my heart I know if I preserve with him then it will fruition into something more...maybe . 

He messaged me straight after our discussion.  A couple of times and it was genuine remorse.  He called me the next day and had called me a few times since, including last night.

we don’t talk about that discussion although for me it feels like the ‘elephant in the room’.  We talk like friends, laughing, making jokes and sharing our news and it is genuinely a nice place to be. 
 

I think he does take commitment seriously and feel he needs to be sure before he makes that leap.  I think If enough time will pass where it will feel natural to him but I need something a little more solid now, or at least enjoy the label of being together. 
 

We are both headstrong so I wonder how it will pan out. Do we keep a friendship or do we go back to the way they were or do I break off contact altogether?  Some sort of compromise needs to be made If it is to work. 
 

I really am not interested in anyone else and believe we are good together (when we are together) but I don’t know if I am robust enough to keep the distance thing going without knowing it’s going somewhere.  
 

 

[notthatintome]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe break ups are so difficult because you wait too long to take action. Longer you remain in a relationship longer it will take for you to recover. You are your own worse enemy. Instead of looking out for yourself you take the path of least resistance....and that's why you find yourself in the role of the victim again and again.

I wouldn’t consider myself as a victim at all.  The losses I have endured are family deaths, which were traumatic.  This came at a time when my long term marriage broke down (my choice).  
 

I have made some questionable choices since this but I think that is understandable under the circumstances.  I have been accountable for my own actions and now I am better wish to have a period of peace and free from heartbreak.  No way have I ever considered myself to be a victim and I find it insulting that you suggest I am. 
 

I am just out to protect myself, I may not be like this forever, but for now i think it is important 

[poppyfields]

How far is the distance between you? Just tossing this out, but is it possible for you to move closer to him?  Find a job, get an apt?  

Are you in love with him?  If so, ask yourself, what's more important, the "label" or the "man"?

After working through some issues over the summer, you said yourself (paraphrasing) that the connection between you is solid, that you feel he does take commitment seriously, but at only nine months in, it's too soon to be certain of the future and he doesn't want to mislead you.

To me, this is admirable; imo nine months is too soon.

I'm still confused by what you mean by "commitment."  You are exclusive, so it's confusing. 

I dunno, the way I look at it, how often do we meet people and develop that type of connection?  It all appears to be so positive but yet you broke it off because you're needing 100% certainty from him, after only 9 months, less than a year.  Seems unrealistic imo.

I think you're scared.  You're scared to take a risk, scared of getting hurt.  And have allowed your fear to drive your ship, and dumped.  But you still talk, still friends?  

I respect you need to do what you feel is best for you, I just think it's sad, is all.

All the best. 

 

 

Edited October 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[notthatintome]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How far is the distance between you? Just tossing this out, but is it possible for you to move closer to him?  Find a job, get an apt?  

Are you in love with him?  If so, ask yourself, what's more important, the "label" or the "man"?

After working through some issues over the summer, you said yourself (paraphrasing) that the connection between you is solid, that you feel he does take commitment seriously, but at only nine months in, it's too soon to be certain of the future and he doesn't want to mislead you.

To me, this is admirable; imo nine months is too soon.

I'm still confused by what you mean by "commitment."  You are exclusive, so it's confusing. 

I dunno, the way I look at it, how often do we meet people and develop that type of connection?  It all appears to be so positive but yet you broke it off because you're needing 100% certainty from him, after only 9 months, less than a year.  Seems unrealistic imo.

I think you're scared.  You're scared to take a risk, scared of getting hurt.  And have allowed your fear to drive your ship.

I respect you need to do what you feel is best for you, I just think it's sad, is all.

All the best. 

 

 

Thank you so much for your reassuring words.

I am scared. 
 

I am glad I posted on here because it has allowed me to acknowledge this fear.  
 

Deep down I know it will be fine, he has all the rare qualities I look for in a man.  Those don’t come by easily.  I am sure he would have given up by now if he didn’t feel the same.  It really has felt like we have brought out the best in each other, especially from those early days where we were both so lost.  

I just need a little time to work out what is best for me now and the long term. 
 

thanks again 

 

[SumGuy]

20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I didn't unfortunately, but Gaeta just enlightened us.  I typically just go by the current thread, but I guess I should start reading a poster's history to get a full an accurate picture.

Same, I sometimes just read the first post or two. 

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

Thank you so much for your reassuring words.

I am scared.
I am glad I posted on here because it has allowed me to acknowledge this fear.  

I'd like to recommend a great book, a book that has personally helped me work through some of these same issues - it's called "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships." 

Note the word "Hidden" as many people are totally unaware of such fears.  Anyway, that book has become like a bible to me, it's helped me so much, still does!  I refer to it often when I struggle, which I still do sometimes even though I'm in a committed relationship and getting married. 

It's fear of commitment, and one fear it discusses is the fear of getting hurt.  And the fear of becoming engulfed and overwhelmed.  The fear is so great, a person will run away, like you did.  Even when the relationship is good and there is potential for long term.

You can find it on Amazon.com if interested, again it's helped me a lot!

Edited October 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, notthatintome said:

How often did you see each other?  How long did you do it for?  Did you communicate well in between?  So may questions...

This was a few years back mind you.   About 3 nights a week and every other weekend, working around when the kids were with me (about 50% of the time).  So basically 8 out of 10 every kid free day I had.    Her work hours meant it made much more sense for me to drive to her, although she would drive to me when it made sense...I have a much nicer place.  We did this maybe 10 months, then she started staying here mostly as she got a job near me, kind of a win-win as the job paid double her previous one, so staying with me made the commute shorter....though longer on the days when kids where with me, it was another 3-4 months before she stayed over when the kids were here.  We did end up breaking up 6 months or so later IIRC, it was amicable.   Relates to my comment that you discover more about compatibility when you live day-to-day together, but really no other way to learn.

Well, she loved texts so there was a lot of those, except during work hours.  Not long ones, just more morning, good night, and a lot of flirty "thinking of you" stuff and planning restaurants, etc.  Took me a bit to adjust but got in to it, her love language and all that.  Not so much calls as they require both people to be free at the same time....not easy when both people have careers, etc. 

Edited October 28, 2020 by SumGuy

[notthatintome]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'd like to recommend a great book, a book that has personally helped me work through some of these same issues - it's called "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships." 

Note the word "Hidden" as many people are totally unaware of such fears.  Anyway, that book has become like a bible to me, it's helped me so much, still does!  I refer to it often when I struggle, which I still do sometimes even though I'm in a committed relationship and getting married. 

It's fear of commitment, and one fear it discusses is the fear of getting hurt.  And the fear of becoming engulfed and overwhelmed.  The fear is so great, a person will run away, like you did.  Even when the relationship is good and there is potential for long term.

You can find it on Amazon.com if interested, again it's helped me a lot!

Wow, I think I need to read this book!  That is me!  I ran away from my marriage (which was happy and everyone was shocked). And now I’m running away from this.  It’s certainly when I feel overwhelmed and would rather shut it out than deal with it.  
 

I think this has to be my priority, I have already learned so much from being on here. 

 

Thank you for your kindness and understanding  

[notthatintome]

46 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

This was a few years back mind you.   About 3 nights a week and every other weekend, working around when the kids were with me (about 50% of the time).  So basically 8 out of 10 every kid free day I had.    Her work hours meant it made much more sense for me to drive to her, although she would drive to me when it made sense...I have a much nicer place.  We did this maybe 10 months, then she started staying here mostly as she got a job near me, kind of a win-win as the job paid double her previous one, so staying with me made the commute shorter....though longer on the days when kids where with me, it was another 3-4 months before she stayed over when the kids were here.  We did end up breaking up 6 months or so later IIRC, it was amicable.   Relates to my comment that you discover more about compatibility when you live day-to-day together, but really no other way to learn.

Well, she loved texts so there was a lot of those, except during work hours.  Not long ones, just more morning, good night, and a lot of flirty "thinking of you" stuff and planning restaurants, etc.  Took me a bit to adjust but got in to it, her love language and all that.  Not so much calls as they require both people to be free at the same time....not easy when both people have careers, etc. 

Thanks for answering.

Sorry it didn’t work out for you but at least you both gave it a good try.  It sounded so promising when I was reading your first paragraph

It just shows there is no linear path to guarantee success; it either works or it doesn’t.   It has definitely give me more to think about.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, notthatintome said:

Thanks for answering.

Sorry it didn’t work out for you but at least you both gave it a good try.  It sounded so promising when I was reading your first paragraph

It just shows there is no linear path to guarantee success; it either works or it doesn’t.   It has definitely give me more to think about.

Well it was promising but when both people are looking at the next step is building a "forever" type life together different life trajectories (both eminently reasonable) but ultimately irreconcilable matter.  There were other factors as well but both of us being older (late 40's) mature enough to realize these things don't always work out forever.  Also, for both of us, our first relationship since being single at our age (neither of us jumped into the dating once we became single...so also not a rebound situation).   Believe it was good for both of us to see such a deep relationship was still possible for us at our "advanced" age.   

There is no guarantees, but one can adjust the odds in your favor.  For example, on those other factors, I learned a lot about what I put out there about me on OLD, as it seemed to make a difference in the women I attract.  It was not that I wasn't attracting the women I want, but I was also attracting women I did not necessarily want.   I also thought long and hard about what in a profile said connection to me....and used that as my main filter on deciding to reach out...not that I ignore looks (or the looks I like  ) but really didn't have to as there seemed to be plenty of women were felt there was a connection possibility who were also hot in my book.

In the end, it all worked out for the best for me as eventually found what I dare to call my "soul mate" in so many ways, but even that is not perfect or bump free, it is just perfect in most ways for me  

[notthatintome]

4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Well it was promising but when both people are looking at the next step is building a "forever" type life together different life trajectories (both eminently reasonable) but ultimately irreconcilable matter.  There were other factors as well but both of us being older (late 40's) mature enough to realize these things don't always work out forever.  Also, for both of us, our first relationship since being single at our age (neither of us jumped into the dating once we became single...so also not a rebound situation).   Believe it was good for both of us to see such a deep relationship was still possible for us at our "advanced" age.   

There is no guarantees, but one can adjust the odds in your favor.  For example, on those other factors, I learned a lot about what I put out there about me on OLD, as it seemed to make a difference in the women I attract.  It was not that I wasn't attracting the women I want, but I was also attracting women I did not necessarily want.   I also thought long and hard about what in a profile said connection to me....and used that as my main filter on deciding to reach out...not that I ignore looks (or the looks I like  ) but really didn't have to as there seemed to be plenty of women were felt there was a connection possibility who were also hot in my book.

In the end, it all worked out for the best for me as eventually found what I dare to call my "soul mate" in so many ways, but even that is not perfect or bump free, it is just perfect in most ways for me  

It’s reassuring to read that you got there in the end!  Dating isn’t easy and I have a lot to think about in moving forward

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, notthatintome said:

It’s reassuring to read that you got there in the end!  Dating isn’t easy and I have a lot to think about in moving forward

Thanks, it took years, dozens of first dates.   Being older it was easier to be patient and have a good idea of what I want and how to find it....but then again not getting any younger.    It pays to take your time in my book and be selective.