boymommy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 I have been in this situation when I began dating after my divorce..men who were slow to commit or didnt want to commit AT ALL. This includes a relationship in general or giving us a title, or discussing a future/marriage related discussions. I dated a guy early on who was great and reminded me a lot of what you are describing. When I asked him what he was looking for he said his answer was not as well versed as your guys..he said he couldnt commit to a relationship (or give me 100% committment) because of work, his son, ect. I ended up walking away because I wanted a real relationship and I was NOT okay with him sleeping with others. In my opinion even if you are “exclusive” if he cant commit then you arent really exclusive because something is holding him back. Maybe it is work or he wants to keep options open..whatever BUT my take is I want to be the only option. If a guy isnt ready for that..well gotta move on. Marriage IMO is different. More at stake. Legal ramifications, more committment. It doesnt take as much to commit yourself to actual relationship..so in my book if a guy doesnt want to commit to a relationship then he doesnt want it with you. Move on 4
poppyfields Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) General question but how is the OP and others defining "commitment" in this context? The OP posted they were in an "exclusive" relationship. And it was progressing, slowly, gradually. So I'm curious what more of a commitment she was seeking after only nine months? A commitment to spending his life with you? Or considering it? That takes longer than nine months imho. And him telling you he doesn't want to fully commit until he is more certain of this makes total sense to me. It means he takes commitment seriously. Another poster (sorry can't remember who) posted nine months is not a long time. I agree. It often takes a year or two to know for certain you want to spend your life with someone and discussing future. You were exclusive, you were in a relationship. I dunno, a part of me thinks you allowed FEAR to drive your ship here and prematurely dumped because of it. Again, it's all a risk, there are never any guarantees. A man might "commit" and dump you the next day, week, month. It happens. Why not just take it day by day, enjoy, be in love , be happy? That's my take, always has been. And now after 3 years, getting married. Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Watercolors Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 41 minutes ago, boymommy said: In my opinion even if you are “exclusive” if he cant commit then you arent really exclusive because something is holding him back. Maybe it is work or he wants to keep options open..whatever BUT my take is I want to be the only option. If a guy isnt ready for that..well gotta move on. Exactly, OP. Your boyfriend doesn't want to commit to you the way that you want him to. You need to mourn this relationship and let go of it. The geographical distance doesn't help matters either so this relationship has run its course, which sometimes happens. You need to move on. I know that's not what you want to hear.
poppyfields Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 Too add, the OP said it was progressing, albeit slowly, and it wasn't what she was used to. Perhaps OP you were used to a more "fast and furious" pace, guys who love bomb, quick to commit, but then what? What happened to those relationships? I dunno, everyone always advocates take it slow, what's the rush? They were in an exclusive RL and it was only nine months in. But now the majority are saying he would never commit and the OP did the right thing? Seems like a contradiction. 1
FMW Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 I agree with basil67. If the OP wants to have children, she can't be too casual and patient about waiting to see if he comes around. I think it's maybe 50/50 right now on whether he will ever be ready to commit to her. Nine months isn't a long time, but then again if at this point he's still that unsure about things, it's not an encouraging sign.
Mystery4u Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 20 minutes ago, poppyfields said: General question but how is the OP and others defining "commitment" in this context? Commitment is being called boyfriend and girlfriend, not just 'seeing someone'. Commitment is being in contact every single day, not just one message, no excuses about being busy at work. Commitment is not letting distance be an 'issue'. Commitment is making a plan on who will move to be with who in the future, and working towards that goal. Commitment is making someone your priority. 9 months is more than enough time to do all these things, if he wanted to commit. OP made the right decision. 1 1
boymommy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 23 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Too add, the OP said it was progressing, albeit slowly, and it wasn't what she was used to. Perhaps OP you were used to a more "fast and furious" pace, guys who love bomb, quick to commit, but then what? What happened to those relationships? I dunno, everyone always advocates take it slow, what's the rush? They were in an exclusive RL and it was only nine months in. But now the majority are saying he would never commit and the OP did the right thing? Seems like a contradiction. My take was that OP was looking for an actual relationship label not just a “situationship” (where you are only seeing each other but no technical committment to a relationship is in place. I had a guy do this to me and it felt TERRIBLE. We did this for 3 months before I pulled the plug (which isnt a long time mind you!) but I hated that he got jealous if I even talked to another guy yet was so scared of an actual relationship! It sucked. I agree 9 months is too short to be determining any future plans or long term committment. My rule of thumb is usually 1-2 months to know if there is anything there to build on. If at two months a guy doesnt want a relationship then I am moving on. Its either there or its not. 4 1
SumGuy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 17 hours ago, notthatintome said: ....He asked me if I wanted him to leave (I didn't) and somehow I found the word 'yes' leave me mouth and our weekend together was cut short. He sent me a heartfelt text and has called and messaged me since. He is not a bad person, he is actually very kind, but it just wasn't meant to be. We have messaged everyday since but I haven't replied today as I don't know if it is good for me as I am hoping he will change his mind. I had prepared myself for this and I am ok but still inevitably sad. I am not interested in dating anyone else and I know he won't for the time being. I am content with myself - the first time in a very long time. I don't feel I can tell anyone about it as I knew what I was letting myself in for but it just feels good to type out my feelings and release them. What stops a guy from committing? Was it that he just didn't want to commit to me? (he claims not). Please be kind in your comments, I am just seeking reassurance... I think he told you why. Distance is major impediment to starting a commitment. It is hard enough when already committed. The positive view he is just being realistic about it and not promising on what he can't deliver. That he messaged you after you asked him to leave (which given the distance was not a small thing for him to do) shows he cares. Not to be mean but you did ask him to leave and you seen to be making this an either or, and not enjoying what you have now and waiting until it is more realistic he could commit. I do guess it depends on what you mean by commit. Do you just mean exclusivity? If that, I don't think it is too much to ask even with the distance if you are sleeping together. These days you are not just exposing yourself to the STDs of others but also COVID; personally I'm actually more concerned on the later as there is no way to prevent exposure to that when you are intimate. 2
SumGuy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 16 hours ago, notthatintome said: Thank you for your reply. I guess I didn't give it long enough but I just needed a little something more from him. That sounds very reasonable and something hopefully you two could talk about. It may be just a gesture, a simple thing like Wednesday night we facetime and eat pizza together, or watch the same show and one not get ahead of the other. In a LDR these little things can really help, from my personal experience. No matter what you logical mind may say, ones emotions can use such gestures. Another important way is to understand each others love languages, and be sure to communicate your feelings to the other in their language. It goes a long way. I think if I was him would be thinking about how to solve this distance problem in the long term. Remember though, all may be great long distance, but if you started seeing each every other day issues or incompatibility could emerge you can't see long distance. 1
boymommy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, SumGuy said: I think he told you why. Distance is major impediment to starting a commitment. It is hard enough when already committed. The positive view he is just being realistic about it and not promising on what he can't deliver. That he messaged you after you asked him to leave (which given the distance was not a small thing for him to do) shows he cares. Agreed..BUT if its the *right person* and *right* relationship then distance doesnt matter..obstacles dont matter. My boyfriend and I an hr away. We have opposite custody schedules, I am disabled and cant drive. He drives here every weekend to pick me up (on weekends he has his son he drives to pick me up then back to his house). We have done this for 3 years! He doesnt like the driving but he LOVES me. No matter what the challenges you get through it..yes this guy cares..but possibly its not the right relationship for him. Would more time help him? Maybe. But only OP can determine how much time she is willing to wait without taking away from her own wants and needs. Thats very hard! Edited October 27, 2020 by boymommy 1 2
Miss Spider Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 What kind of commitment you talking about though. I agree that if you want marriage and a family, it’s better to not waste your time with guys who are dragging their feet. It’s been nine months and you’re not sure bet for him yet. Could he come around eventually? I would say at only nine months, the odds are still in your favor If you are talking about commitment in terms of relationship status/not officiating the relationship, after 9 months, the odds are a lot more bleak. Commitment to a relationship is a lot different to a commitment like marriage. If he would not even do that, I would say he’s keeping his options wide open.
boymommy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 Okay I am now remedying my previous answer as I am actually in your exact situation being my relationship is LDR too and has been from getgo! If you are already in a relationship but trying to get him to talk about relocating and the future at 9 months..well that may be too soon! Not all guys want to hash that out up front. My boyfriend is one of them. We are at 3 years and honestly have no plan for a timeline of being in the same place at this point. It used to upset me but pushing him on it wont help. He is a great guy and he’s gotta take things as they come. And it IS coming..just slowly. LDRs are different..not every guy can give you an end point because that means a set in stone committment and there are so many variables. It took me a really long time to understand this! If you value the relationship then give him time to come around. What has helped me is developing my own life. I bought a house, made my own friends in my town, developed more hobbies and interests. This has helped a lot! If you have a life outside him then you wont feel like he is taking away from you being in another town or when he is busy. Plus it wont make you feel like you are waiting around for him to advance the relationship either. 1
poppyfields Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) 54 minutes ago, SumGuy said: The positive view he is just being realistic about it and not promising on what he can't deliver. That he messaged you after you asked him to leave (which given the distance was not a small thing for him to do) shows he cares. Not to be mean but you did ask him to leave and you seen to be making this an either or, and not enjoying what you have now and waiting until it is more realistic he could commit. I do guess it depends on what you mean by commit. Do you just mean exclusivity? If that, I don't think it is too much to ask even with the distance if you are sleeping together. These days you are not just exposing yourself to the STDs of others but also COVID; personally I'm actually more concerned on the later as there is no way to prevent exposure to that when you are intimate. This is my take as well. SumGuy w/r/t bolded, she stated they are (or were) exclusive. They were in a RL, per her original post. They were boyfriend/girlfriend IME based on what she wrote. They spent weekends together, him visiting her, her visiting him, he introduced her to family and friends. Her exact words were "we got on so well and had the all the makings of something that could go somewhere." But then there was a shift and he became busy with work. To me this is normal and not necessarily reflective of anything negative. I think it's important to remain flexible to the changing nuances that often occur in any LTR without becoming overly anxious and prematurely dumping. However it appears and this is jmo that the OP allowed her anxiety and fear (to which she admitted in an earlier post) about this to drive her ship, and she did prematurely dump. I didn't read where she wrote anything about in a rush to have children. She said the progress was "too slow" for her, not what she's used to. Anyway, I hope the OP returns and clarifies what she means by "commitment," because I think anyone would be hard-pressed to find a guy who is 100% committed to knowing for certain that he wants to spend his life with a woman after only nine months, assuming that's what she means. Like I said, best to give it at a year, or two, at least! It's a shame really, because it did seem that they both love each other a lot, and still do. Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 OP: Would you please explain in details what you mean by 'committing to you'? 3
boymommy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 17 minutes ago, poppyfields said: But then there was a shift and he became busy with work. To me this is normal and not necessarily reflective of anything negative. I think it's important to remain flexible to the changing nuances that often occur in any LTR without becoming overly anxious and prematurely dumping. In a LDR this can be more challenging given that communication is important if there is less time spent with each other. So if partner gets busy with work and doesnt communicate well to the other partner this change-well the stability of the relationship can suffer given when its LDR you arent there and cant see whats happening! So it stands to reason that there will be more anxiety. I almost left my relationship a few times because of the same reason! LDR are so hard. Add in coparenting/ex spouses, kid’s schedules, my disability. Not easy. That being said I had to communicate what I needed from my boyfriend and improve my own communication and give him the space he needed for these changes to take effect. Not just toss in the towel. It was hard! So yes flexibility for sure, but LDRs require very strong communication/trust between both partners to keep things going. Moreso when things get busy!
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 Oh boy! I had a peek at your last thread. This was a no strings attached in July. He even told you to go ahead and have sex with other men. I am sorry but you are wasting your time with this guy. You feel it in your gut that he's not totally yours, listen to your instinct. He's spelling it out to you and you don't listen. 4 2
Mystery4u Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 38 minutes ago, poppyfields said: This is my take as well. SumGuy w/r/t bolded, she stated they are (or were) exclusive. They were in a RL, per her original post. They were boyfriend/girlfriend IME based on what she wrote. They spent weekends together, him visiting her, her visiting him, he introduced her to family and friends. Her exact words were "we got on so well and had the all the makings of something that could go somewhere." But then there was a shift and he became busy with work. To me this is normal and not necessarily reflective of anything negative. I think it's important to remain flexible to the changing nuances that often occur in any LTR without becoming overly anxious and prematurely dumping. However it appears and this is jmo that the OP allowed her anxiety and fear (to which she admitted in an earlier post) about this to drive her ship, and she did prematurely dump. I didn't read where she wrote anything about in a rush to have children. She said the progress was "too slow" for her, not what she's used to. Anyway, I hope the OP returns and clarifies what she means by "commitment," because I think anyone would be hard-pressed to find a guy who is 100% committed to knowing for certain that he wants to spend his life with a woman after only nine months, assuming that's what she means. Like I said, best to give it at a year, or two, at least! It's a shame really, because it did seem that they both love each other a lot, and still do. You really need to read OP's previous threads about this guy. 1 1
poppyfields Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Oh boy! I had a peek at your last thread. This was a no strings attached in July. He even told you to go ahead and have sex with other men. I am sorry but you are wasting your time with this guy. You feel it in your gut that he's not totally yours, listen to your instinct. He's spelling it out to you and you don't listen. Oh lord, YES this does change things!! Ugh. Good detective work Gaeta! 2
poppyfields Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: You really need to read OP's previous threads about this guy. I didn't unfortunately, but Gaeta just enlightened us. I typically just go by the current thread, but I guess I should start reading a poster's history to get a full an accurate picture. Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields 2
boymommy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 21 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Oh boy! I had a peek at your last thread. This was a no strings attached in July. He even told you to go ahead and have sex with other men. I am sorry but you are wasting your time with this guy. You feel it in your gut that he's not totally yours, listen to your instinct. He's spelling it out to you and you don't listen. Going to read the previous thread!
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 yes people get caught up in the internet relationships, especially with covid, the isolation, and what joy it can give you...but you are right it's not long lived...LDRs have a short shelf life, because they become frustrating. He thought it over, and it's not what he wants...he doesn't want to relocate, doesn't want to have to make you relocate. What you expect from this, is not what he is willing to provide. I also suspect some of his friends talked some sense into him that this wasn't working out despite your enthusiasm. Plus the infatuation has worn off. People just lose their feelings, and it's just not for them. It's totally a natural thing that happens. Dust yourself off, and don't look back...go forward without him.
boymommy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 Okay I remember that thread! Original poster it seems you get overwhelmed by available men and are more attracted to unavailable ones? Is that accurate? If this is the case then I suggest working on aspects of your own unavailability. If you have your own issues with space or feel overwhelmed easily then you may need to address why you keep chasing after guys who have no intention of becoming more availble and reject those who do. The answer lies with YOU
Author notthatintome Posted October 27, 2020 Author Posted October 27, 2020 Thank you for all your lovely replies, I feel much better now. Yes, my previous threads outlined how this started as NSA but I felt we connected early on. Then he dropped the 'sleep with other men' bombshell and this happened during lockdown. When lockdown lifted and I did date again, he wasn't happy and it was clear that he did not want me to be with another man. We agreed to spend time with each other over the summer and remain exclusive. I took it for what it was, always knowing that it had a shelf life attached, and surprisingly our relationship did blossom during that time. I was really happy and content with him, we got on so well and seemed very compatible. I still don't regret doing that as I will always keep those happy memories and he added to my life (instead of taking it away.) When we met initially, we were both in a sorry state. He was depressed and slightly overweight. I was mixed up and, dare I admit it, a little desperate for love and acceptance. During those summer months we both grew - he lost weight and became motivated again. I was happier, more engaged in my work, and grew to love and respect myself. However it has ended, we were good for each other during that time. I have worked on myself quite extensively and I truly believe that is what has prompted the recent discussion. I know what I want and expect, and even though we were happy and enjoy each others company immensely, we are current;u not on the same page and may never be. I could wait but it's too risky, I still may not be the one for him in two years despite him thinking highly of me. We only ever have the present moment and in this moment I need more - or just a label of being a girlfriend at least. I don't think I am emotionally unavailable anymore. I will look forward to being with someone local, who I could plan weekends with that didn't cause too much disruption to life/work. However, I am not in a rush to do this and I know when the right one will come along. What I do fear is going through another break up or being rejected, I have put myself in that position way too many time. So I will be do my upmost to avoid that from happening again. Again, thank you so much for your advice and support through this journey. I have really appreciated it :))) 2
SumGuy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 6 hours ago, boymommy said: Agreed..BUT if its the *right person* and *right* relationship then distance doesnt matter..obstacles dont matter. My boyfriend and I an hr away. We have opposite custody schedules, I am disabled and cant drive. He drives here every weekend to pick me up (on weekends he has his son he drives to pick me up then back to his house). We have done this for 3 years! He doesnt like the driving but he LOVES me. No matter what the challenges you get through it..yes this guy cares..but possibly its not the right relationship for him. ... I agree as well. I guess though I don't consider 1 hour away long distance. Heck I dated someone an hour away and would go there on week nights for dates after work every chance I got, maybe drive back but more likely stay over, and worked around custody etc. My LDR experience was we were over 1000 miles apart, a 2-3 day drive. Love does seek to find a way, it may not be right away but still seeks it.
Author notthatintome Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 30 minutes ago, SumGuy said: I agree as well. I guess though I don't consider 1 hour away long distance. Heck I dated someone an hour away and would go there on week nights for dates after work every chance I got, maybe drive back but more likely stay over, and worked around custody etc. My LDR experience was we were over 1000 miles apart, a 2-3 day drive. Love does seek to find a way, it may not be right away but still seeks it. How often did you see each other? How long did you do it for? Did you communicate well in between? So may questions...
Recommended Posts