He won't commit

[notthatintome]

I have found it really difficult to talk to my friends about this but also know that it isn't good for me either to keep it quiet.   Therefore, I have jumped on here for some moral support.

I had been seeing this guy for 9 months.  It started off as casual and it has been a bit up and down.  Everyone on here told me to walk away from him but I found it difficult because we got on so well and when I was with him I was so happy and content.  (it was a LDR).  I thought I would just enjoy the summer months with him following being in lockdown for so long.  i saw him most weekends and I don't regret any of it, I was so happy during that time and created some lovely memories.  Although, I always knew in the back of my mind it would be shortlived and was prepared for it, but there was also another part of me which had hope that things could be different.

He visited me at my house, I went to his, he told his parents about me and I met some of his friends.  We got on so well and had all the makings of something that could go somewhere.  He wasn't dating anyone else and neither was I.  Suddenly, he became super busy with work and would be working 15 hour days.  He would message just once a day and call every other day.  It did feel like we were blossoming but at a very slow pace.  By the ninth month I felt myself becoming agitated about the lack of spoken commitment and had the 'talk'.

He said he thought highly of me and he spoke about me to his family and friends all the time but couldn't commit as he was too busy/didn't know if he was going to relocate etc.  He also said the distance was the problem.  It was the end of line for me as, even though we had an amazing few months, I felt we had come to a crossroads and was confirmed he couldn't give me what I wanted (commitment).  He asked me if I wanted him to leave (I didn't) and somehow I found the word 'yes' leave me mouth and our weekend together was cut short. 

He sent me a heartfelt text and has called and messaged me since.  He is not a bad person, he is actually very kind, but it just wasn't meant to be.  We have messaged everyday since but I haven't replied today as I don't know if it is good for me as I am hoping he will change his mind.

I had prepared myself for this and I am ok but still inevitably sad.  I am not interested in dating anyone else and I know he won't for the time being.  I am content with myself - the first time in a very long time.  I don't feel I can tell anyone about it as I knew what I was letting myself in for but it just feels good to type out my feelings and release them.

What stops a guy from committing?  Was it that he just didn't want to commit to me?  (he claims not).

Please be kind in your comments, I am just seeking reassurance...

[poppyfields]

How sad!  What type of commitment did you want and ask him for? 

Were you exclusive at least? 

 

Edited October 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[notthatintome]

Thank you for replying.

Yes, we were exclusive.  I just wanted to know it was going somewhere I guess.  i felt like it was when we were together but when we were apart, I felt like i work was his priority (which is understandable) but I guess I just needed a bit more...

[poppyfields]

What I’ve learned is that every man progresses at a different pace, there is no right or wrong.  My boyfriend (whom I’ve been dating for almost three years) and I didn’t become exclusive for two months and did not start discussing our future until a few months ago, approx 2.5 years after we started dating.  HE was the first to start discussing.

My philosophy (and his) has always been one day at a time, and allowing things to develop slowly, gradually and organically.

Before I came along, he had been accused by women of being “commitmentphobe” but he wasn’t.  He just needed more time to get to that place.  His ex’s began pushing for more time, more attention, just MORE and the pressure that placed on him was the final nail in the coffin. 

Arguments, fights ensued and either he became exhausted and turned off or they ended the relationship.  He was quite broken up about one particular girl but he wasn’t going to allow himself to be pressured into anything.

That is the male view.

I understand the woman’s view too.  You need to know where it’s going, you need that security.

But ask yourself why?  Why you couldn't simply enjoy the relationship for what it was, and allow it all to progress gradually and organically?

Was it anxiety, insecurity or social pressure?  Or did you truly feel in your heart of hearts that he was intentionally distancing himself?  Because if he was, then you probably did the right thing.

It’s just sad though because it sounds like you loved him a lot and he loved you, and probably still does.

It's all a risk, there are never any guarantees.  For me, I'm glad I was able to enjoy our connection and relationship for what it was, and felt secure that it was "going somewhere" even though it was not discussed,  as my boyfriend recently asked me to marry him, and after some uncertainty on MY part, I've accepted.

Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, notthatintome said:

What stops a guy from committing?  Was it that he just didn't want to commit to me?  (he claims not).

There could be a multitude of reasons.  What's his bsckground?  Age?  Does he have children?  How long was he single before he met you?  Without knowing anything about this guy, there really isn't any way to know with any certainty.

[spiderowl]

It’s a shame things didn’t go as you’d hoped but I think you have done the right thing. You are aware that it is better not to keep engaging with him if the relationship will remain static.

Maybe he will rethink things; maybe not. He will certainly miss you. It sounds like you will not make the mistake of listening to and believing any pleading which involves a return to how it was. 

Nine months is not very long. A relationship can go through stages where people realise what they really want. This might be a turning point for him too. If it isn’t, then you can move on and find a new relationship where you are both going in the same direction.

[notthatintome]

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

There could be a multitude of reasons.  What's his bsckground?  Age?  Does he have children?  How long was he single before he met you?  Without knowing anything about this guy, there really isn't any way to know with any certainty.

 

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What I’ve learned is that every man progresses at a different pace, there is no right or wrong.  My boyfriend (whom I’ve been dating for almost three years) and I didn’t become exclusive for two months and did not start discussing our future until a few months ago, approx 2.5 years after we started dating.  HE was the first to start discussing.

My philosophy (and his) has always been one day at a time, and allowing things to develop slowly, gradually and organically.

Before I came along, he had been accused by women of being “commitmentphobe” but he wasn’t.  He just needed more time to get to that place.  His ex’s began pushing for more time, more attention, just MORE and the pressure that placed on him was the final nail in the coffin. 

Arguments, fights ensued and either he became exhausted and turned off or they ended the relationship.  He was quite broken up about one particular girl but he wasn’t going to allow himself to be pressured into anything.

That is the male view.

I understand the woman’s view too.  You need to know where it’s going, you need that security.

But ask yourself why?  Why you couldn't simply enjoy the relationship for what it was, and allow it all to progress gradually and organically?

Was it anxiety, insecurity or social pressure?  Or did you truly feel in your heart of hearts that he was intentionally distancing himself?  Because if he was, then you probably did the right thing.

It’s just sad though because it sounds like you loved him a lot and he loved you, and probably still does.

It's all a risk, there are never any guarantees.  For me, I'm glad I was able to enjoy our connection and relationship for what it was, and felt secure that it was "going somewhere" even though it was not discussed,  as my boyfriend recently asked me to marry him, and after some uncertainty on MY part, I've accepted.

Thank you so much for your reassuring words.  I did feel like it was making progress but just not at the speed I wanted, or was used to.  I just don't want to wait too long and it still not go anywhere and I wasted all that time and I definitely don't feel I could go through another break up.  He also said when he commits it is to the person he wants to be with forever as he doesn't want to go through another break up.  We are both fear driven!  It does make me sad when we are apart and it would be easier if he lived locally but I also know that I am not interested in meeting anyone new atm.

[notthatintome]

7 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

There could be a multitude of reasons.  What's his bsckground?  Age?  Does he have children?  How long was he single before he met you?  Without knowing anything about this guy, there really isn't any way to know with any certainty.

36, no children.  He went through a bad break up and was single for 3 years.  He was quiet depressed when I met him but is happy and motivated again now.

[notthatintome]

6 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

It’s a shame things didn’t go as you’d hoped but I think you have done the right thing. You are aware that it is better not to keep engaging with him if the relationship will remain static.

Maybe he will rethink things; maybe not. He will certainly miss you. It sounds like you will not make the mistake of listening to and believing any pleading which involves a return to how it was. 

Nine months is not very long. A relationship can go through stages where people realise what they really want. This might be a turning point for him too. If it isn’t, then you can move on and find a new relationship where you are both going in the same direction.

Thank you for your reply.  I guess I didn't give it long enough but I just needed a little something more from him.

[Trail Blazer]

11 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

36, no children.  He went through a bad break up and was single for 3 years.  He was quiet depressed when I met him but is happy and motivated again now.

It sounds like he's still got issues going on.  Not living close to one another and getting over depression (whether is be situational or clinical) can take its toll.  It sounds like he'd commit to you if the circumstances were better.

[introverted1]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's all a risk, there are never any guarantees.  For me, I'm glad I was able to enjoy our connection and relationship for what it was, and felt secure that it was "going somewhere" even though it was not discussed,  as my boyfriend recently asked me to marry him, and after some uncertainty on MY part, I've accepted.

Threadjack warning:  Congrats, Poppy!  So glad you two worked it all out. 

[MsJayne]

It doesn't sound like a relationship is his priority, which is very sad for you but at least he's been honest all the way through and you've been very mature about it all. In a few weeks when you start to feel better you'll be free to meet the guy who does want a committed relationship with you.  

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

Thank you for your reply.  I guess I didn't give it long enough but I just needed a little something more from him.

You could have given it all the time in the world and still he may not have wanted to commit.    Giving loads of time is fine if you never want children and are happy to lead independent lives for however long it may take (if it even happens).  But there seems to be so many women who are way past peak fertility and who wasted their time on guys who never came good.  If you want kids, I'd hate this to happen to you.

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, notthatintome said:

What stops a guy from committing?  Was it that he just didn't want to commit to me?  (he claims not).

There is no 'one' answer to this question about commitment. It's impossible for us to know. The only way you can find out, is to ask him directly why he doesn't want to commit to you for the long haul. At least you gave that relationship 9 months to find out if it had long term potential.

57 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

I just don't want to wait too long and it still not go anywhere and I wasted all that time and I definitely don't feel I could go through another break up. 

You and he have different time lines. That automatically makes you both incompatible with each other.

57 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

I guess I didn't give it long enough but I just needed a little something more from him.

Maybe. Maybe not. But at the 9 month mark, he told you he is not ready to commit. You need him to commit b/c you're ready. But he isn't. And, I'm sorry but you can't force someone to commit to you when he isn't ready.

1 hour ago, notthatintome said:

He also said when he commits it is to the person he wants to be with forever as he doesn't want to go through another break up.  We are both fear driven!  It does make me sad when we are apart and it would be easier if he lived locally but I also know that I am not interested in meeting anyone new atm.

Since you both are 'fear driven' it could be that you both have avoidant attachment styles of relationships. That type of attachment style is fear based.

Since he is long distance and doesn't want to move to your country (?) to be with you, it does sound like his priorities just don't align with yours right now. At least you know.

 

[Fletch Lives]

Sorry about this. It was a long distance relationship and he did not want to move. Most long distance relationships don't work out.

[mortensorchid]

I wish I had the answer but, like others say here, everyone is different.  I have suffered just as you have as well - the man who won't commit.  They rebound and commit to bad girls / trashy girls  instead of me.  Some of it has to do with the rebound mentality in their cases.  

 

But how to solve your problem?  Unfortunately... you can't.   Move on, get professional help.  

[Silver_star]

You did the right thing. You deserve to be with someone who reassures you about your future together or that you are on the same page about what you want as a couple. He has other priorities that do not involve you. It happens. I know that in 9 months you can form a strong attachment and love for someone, but at least it was not any longer than that. It's time to put your energy back into yourself and find someone who is sure about you being in their future. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it would be best to take some significant space from him for a while. 

Why he doesn't want to commit doesn't matter as much as the fact the just doesn't want what you want out of this. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's just that he doesn't view you as the right woman for him in the long-term. Whatever the case, you're realizing that you and he are not on the same page. That's all you have to work with. 

Since you know he's not offering what you're looking for, you're best to move on. 

[Mystery4u]

OP, your username answers your question.

If he was, he would have no problem committing regardless of what else is going on in his life.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, notthatintome said:

36, no children.  He went through a bad break up and was single for 3 years.  He was quiet depressed when I met him but is happy and motivated again now.

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately there's a lot working against this. LDR, "up and down" and too much too soon.

9 mos is a good time to reevaluate things and as it stands, it would be best to end it. Already there's turbulence and drama.

Do yourself a favor and set both of yourselves free to date local compatible people.

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, notthatintome said:

What stops a guy from committing?  Was it that he just didn't want to commit to me?  (he claims not).

Without knowing you both the internet can't answer that.  It will vary from person to person.  Since you will never know for sure make up an answer that works for you something along the lines of he was still too broken & closed off to be open to you.  If you had closed the distance he would have another excuse.  Let yourself off the hook with the reverse of the cliché -- it's not you, it's him. 

Don't think of the 9 months as a waste.  You had fun.  You did some things that you would not have otherwise done if he wasn't of your life.  He kept you from being lonely.  

Knowing he was a good guy, remember you have the ability to attract good guys.  Now go find one who can go all in 

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, notthatintome said:

What stops a guy from committing?  Was it that he just didn't want to commit to me?

Quote

he was too busy/didn't know if he was going to relocate etc.  He also said the distance was the problem. 

It sounds more like his life was in flux, he didn't know where he was going to be living and he didn't have the emotional bandwidth to put you and your needs before his right now. This was a timing issue.

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, notthatintome said:

He also said when he commits it is to the person he wants to be with forever as he doesn't want to go through another break up. 

That's typical male language for you're not the one I want to commit to. 

I strongly suggest you cut contact with him. He doesn't want to commit but he keeps contact with you because he likes your presence, friendship, support. Do not let him use you to fill his need for companionship. If there is a little part of him that do want to commit to you he'll  only discover it once you're gone-gone.

[poppyfields]

13 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Threadjack warning:  Congrats, Poppy!  So glad you two worked it all out. 

Thank you!  It's been quite a journey lemmetellya.   But we're in a good place now, taking our time, no date set or anything.  We may just decide to do it spontaneously with ceremony later. We'll see.

I agree with others about timing for both people.  At nine months in, I can honestly say I was nowhere near ready to discuss commitment and the future.

We were both super happy taking it day by day, wherever it took us.   And we were long distance too for awhile, and it was never a problem.  In fact, the distance made us stronger, our feelings stronger, as odd as that may sound.

But the OP wanted more, needed more, and HE wasn't there, at that place to give more.  So it's different.

She also posted this in her original post:  

>>Suddenly, he became super busy with work and would be working 15 hour days.  He would message just once a day and call every other day<<

So you did the right thing OP.  You sensed a sudden distance, emotionally, and that IS a problem.   I mean the physical distance presented enough of a challenge, but now suddenly, he becomes "busy with work" with little time to devote to keeping the connection alive?  

Yeah, something seems off about that.  

Anyway, I'm sorry, best of luck moving forward!

Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

OP, you stated you are both "fear-driven."

What's your fear?