Zephryus Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Hi all I'm really looking for some advice. Breakdown: I met this girl, knew that when I first set eyes on her that she quite easily be the one for me, tried to pluck up enough courage to chat to her but was to shy, stopped seeing her about, didn't see her for months but then bumped into her and grabbed the opportunity to chat to her and asked her for a date, as I thought she was stunning and we uncanningly had a lot in common, she accepted, and now we've been dating for about 3 months, and the feeling that she is the one for me hasn't changed since the first moment I set eyes on her, coupled with that we are very compatiable, we both admit that we are each others dream partner, but...... There are few problems, but I'm not sure how to approach them. Things aren't as passionate as our past relationships, i.e. sex. Don't get me wrong when it occurs it's really good and hot and we both enjoy it!!!!, but there isn't enough of it, like most of our past relationships, things are usually going at 100mph interms of sex, we've just seemd to have fallen into the structure of a couple that have been togther for a few years, all she rather do is lay on me and watch T.V. it worries me because if we're likes this after 3 months what's gonna happen years down the line. I've disussed this with her and she says that it quite be possible due to the fact that I've had a highly active sexual past (like most people, and probably like her ex's???!?!?!?!?!?), but I've hardly spoken about my ex's to her and never spoken about past sexual experiences, unlike her!!!!!! but never thought it would make the women I love feel insecure, after all she has a past too. She dosen't seem to be passionate enough, never initating sex, it's always up to me to start it, it makes feel not wanted, she assures me that she's well attracted to me, and that I'm do all things right ( which I'm very confident of), I never pressure her or rush her, and always make her feel wanted and attractive..........but now I just feel like i'm starting to get fustrated because the loving seems to be very one sided......and it's starting to show on my part!!!! I'm starting not to feel good about myself, which I think in most people breeds insecurity, and annoyance directed to the other half. It's making me picky about the relationship and ......I don't want to go down that road with her, she is the one for me, I adore her, I love her to bits, she is the sexy women for me, I just want to love her and her love me in all ways!!!!!24/7 I don't know whether it's just me that is more open minded about sex or having a higher sex drive, or that she deep down isn't a sexual person, but I just think if two people are into each other then one thing that should mirror it is the loving you give each other intimatly. I know sex shouldn't be the be all and end all but lets be honest it is!!!!!!! Z
Devildog Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I know sex shouldn't be the be all and end all but lets be honest it is!!!!!!! This phrase is, in all honesty, Bullsh*t! Yes, sex is a part of a serious, adult relationship. But it is not the be all end all of the relationship. And if it is to you, I suggest you move on and get that idea out of your system before you settle down with "The One". When you grow up and are ready for a real adult relationship you will learn to treasure that comfort of a woman who is content to just rest her head on your chest and be close to you. Let's face it, in this day and age, getting laid and having meaningless sex is not real difficult. Finding a woman who offers more than just a sexual release is something far greater. Did you ever stop and think she might not be as sexually active with you because she feels there is more to your relationship than past relationships? Be careful what you wish for. You might find that she starts humping your brains out, and doesn't feel you are any more special than her ex-boyfriends. And then you might just wind up joining that club of ex-boyfriends.
Author Zephryus Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 Hi DD!!! Thnxs for replying to my Thread. To be honest I've taken a few days to think about this and I think you have a point, I did initially think yeah this person is absolutley right, I thought to myself that I was being a complete arse and a pig but......I think what you said is slightly floored....... I think more and more of us are recognizing that there is nothing wrong with our bodies, that sex is not dirty, evil or sinful, that women as well as men have a great capacity for sexual pleasure, and that there is a spiritual dimension to human sexuality. This spiritual aspect of sexuality is where I'm coming from and without it there isn't much basis for a relationship. Lets be fair without a fruitful sexual relationship, would it not be a dead or love less relationship that would eventually occur, plainly because One half of the relationship is not prepared to be initmate with the other? and as I am this other half, I feel totally fustrated by it, I feel like I try my hardest to love this women in everyway, but I don't have it returned. Now I should clarify that I do not intend for her to engage in any type of fetish, what I want is a initmate, exploring, loving, sexual relationship with the women I've bonded with. I know of meaningless sex, and this is were I'm coming from, what I'm trying to say is that it will in time become meaningless...initally not for me because I adore her, but rather for her, she seems to love me for things I can do for her, i.e. things around the house or sharing the burden of house keeping ( may I add that I am not rich I just live and earn enough to get by , by myself), or helping her in the daily grind, and not loving me as a lover, which makes me feel unattractive, low on confidence, & frustatred, after all we were attracted to each other on this basis and it should never change, if anything it should grow. I feel that as the months and possbily years go by, that my frustration will build to the point that eventaully I will play away from home, and as I pride myself on always being monoguamus in relationships, that would be an absolute disastour for me and my morals, but it is something I feel and can possibly forsee happening, as I am a person you seeks a level of initamcy, and I guess if that is the case then there is no point in carrying on the relationship any further, I would rather not waste either her or my time or heartache, and move on now rather than later.... I still feel confused, I feel torn and hurt, I just want to be initmate on a high level with the women I love, I have spoken to her, but I don't think she'll change or admit to change or is open enough too make for change in herself....She is a dominating character, and is as stubborn as a horse, so I think if there is any change to be done, then I think it is for me to do by walking away ASAP ( which makes me feel like breaking down and crying). Zephryus
Devildog Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Could you clarify something for me here? Your initial post sounded like you were more upset that she wasn't the one initiating sex, but your reply makes it sound like you are just not getting it as often as you want. Which is it? I never said that there is a problem with men and women feeling that sex isn't dirty. It is a natural physical display of emotions as well as just a physical pleasure. My point is that for a real, true, strong, loving relationship that will stand the test of time, you need those non-physical aspects. You seem far too focused on the physical and blind to the emotional. I can't help but wonder if she is "the one" simply because you think she is hot and good in bed. Most who believe that there is that one perfect person they were meant to be with find that they compliment each other on all levels. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, philisophically, intellectually, morally, etc. etc. From what you have stated, it is my opinion that she is not your "one". I feel that as the months and possbily years go by, that my frustration will build to the point that eventaully I will play away from home, and as I pride myself on always being monoguamus in relationships, that would be an absolute disastour for me and my morals, but it is something I feel and can possibly forsee happening, as I am a person you seeks a level of initamcy, Again, this phrase is, in all honesty, bullsh*t! Are you already building excuses for why you are going to cheat on her? Let me clear something up for you, and for a lot of people. There is nothing morally wrong with leaving a relationship that you are unhappy with if you are only dating. Married is a completely different story as you take solemn vows in front of God, family, friends, etc. But just dating, if you choose to leave a relationship that is unfulfilling to seek what it is you need, there is nothing wrong with that. Going out and getting your needs met elsewhere while still in that kind of relationship is however absolutely and morally wrong.
Outcast Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 ...initally not for me because I adore her, but rather for her, she seems to love me for things I can do for her, i.e. things around the house or sharing the burden of house keeping ( may I add that I am not rich I just live and earn enough to get by , by myself), or helping her in the daily grind, and not loving me as a lover, which makes me feel unattractive, low on confidence, & frustatred, after all we were attracted to each other on this basis and it should never change, if anything it should grow. Well guess what - women do love men for all that men are and being a lover may be part of that but by no means the most important part. You seem to have far too much invested in your identity as a sex god rather than in your whole person, and that's not very healthy. I'm also confused about the nature of your complaint. You first sounded as though your frustration is about her not initiating - if that's the case, that's likely because not only has she been told by a lot of people that women 'should' do the initiating, but also because she may even have had some encounters with men who were threatened by women initiating and so that's put her off. That is not a huge problem and could be overcome by counselling. I feel like I try my hardest to love this women in everyway, but I don't have it returned. Oh really? Well if this is a pattern, then it's time to start looking at yourself and how you're contributing to this.
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