d0nnivain Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, migi said: I feel terrible. I love him but I hate him! He is so childish. He is still trying to find excuses for everything. "I did that because you did this", "You changed me", "You made me agressive".. so immature That is not immature or childish. That is full on gas-lighting. You did not do anything to him. He did all that stuff because he CHOSE to be aggressive. It's a blame the victim. The next step is he will claim it's your fault when he hits you or cheats on you. This relationship needs to end soon. He's not making you happy any more. 2
Miss Spider Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 Yea this is toxic. Years from now you’ll look back on this and wonder why you wasted your time 1
Author migi Posted October 27, 2020 Author Posted October 27, 2020 He misunderstood something I said and accuded me of cheating. I sewared for my family, me and everything and he still doesn't believe me and is so convinced that I have cheated. I don't want this relationship anymore but I don't want him to think things that aren't true. I don't know what to do. He said that I was disgusting. He was my frist and I have always told him I wanted him to be the last. I have tolerated everything just beacuse I loved him, how can he think I have cheated?!
Mystery4u Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 10 minutes ago, migi said: He misunderstood something I said and accuded me of cheating. I sewared for my family, me and everything and he still doesn't believe me and is so convinced that I have cheated. I don't want this relationship anymore but I don't want him to think things that aren't true. I don't know what to do. He said that I was disgusting. He was my frist and I have always told him I wanted him to be the last. I have tolerated everything just beacuse I loved him, how can he think I have cheated?! End the relationship and find a man to be with, not a boy, which is what he is. You are the one with the power to change your own life for the better. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 Because he is a mean bully. You need to tell him that while it's not true that you cheated since he has so little faith in you & doesn't trust you, you are just done & that you are breaking up with him. Then block him because you don't need to have to deal with whatever tantrum he throws next. Tell your parents that you have broken up so they can run interference for you if they have to. 2
Author migi Posted October 28, 2020 Author Posted October 28, 2020 I broke up with him. I still love him and I feel so empty now, but on the other side I hate him for what he said to me. He told me very bad things, "You might have principles form you family but you are not like them. Your mom doesn't know what a daughter she has" and "How will I tell my mom that the girl she considered daughter in law turned out to be the most immoral of all." While he was telling all this stuff I started crying and his voice was shattering too. He told me if I had anything else to say because he didn't want to see me crying. After we ended the call he texted me "I'm sorry for all the tars that I have caused you. I hope you will get better." I left him on read. I am mad because it looked like he didn't want me to end the relationship and changed the topic as if I cheated so he ended it and to make me feel guilty. I don't know if this was his intention or it is just my assumption. And what makes everything worse is that he will tell everyone, his family, his friends, people who knew us, that I cheated and I feel terrible because I have never done that or even thought to do it. I will end up being the bad girl in this history and they will all judge me without knowing how bad he treated me.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Thank goodness you broke up with him. He's a verbally and emotionally abusive jerk. Speak up if people get the story wrong and are rude to you because of his lies. You don't have to continue taking his BS. People will see his true colours soon enough. Cut off any and all contact with him. He's not a good guy. 1
Author migi Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Thank goodness you broke up with him. He's a verbally and emotionally abusive jerk. Speak up if people get the story wrong and are rude to you because of his lies. You don't have to continue taking his BS. People will see his true colours soon enough. Cut off any and all contact with him. He's not a good guy. But I don't have as much contact as he does to the people. I won't even have the chance to speak up. Furthermore I don't want say bad things for him (even though I would tell only the truth) but I don't want to tell people that he treated me badly, escpecially his family or friends
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 13 hours ago, migi said: And what makes everything worse is that he will tell everyone, his family, his friends, people who knew us, that I cheated and I feel terrible because I have never done that or even thought to do it. I will end up being the bad girl in this history and they will all judge me without knowing how bad he treated me. You know the truth. People who know you will know your side of things -- that he made it all up. Everybody else doesn't matter. 1
Author migi Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You know the truth. People who know you will know your side of things -- that he made it all up. Everybody else doesn't matter. Btw his mother texted me that she was disappointed
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Text the mom back to say good bye but include this sentence "Just for the record, I never cheated on your son." I'd say something to the mom like Thanks for reaching out. I'm disappointed to. I really liked you & will miss talking to you. Just for the record, I never cheated. If you knew all the horrid things your son said to me & how many times he made me cry, you'd understand why I had to walk away. Be well. Sometimes you have to take a stand. Understand he will always pick her son over you but that doesn't mean she gets to think ill of you. 1
Author migi Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Text the mom back to say good bye but include this sentence "Just for the record, I never cheated on your son." I'd say something to the mom like Thanks for reaching out. I'm disappointed to. I really liked you & will miss talking to you. Just for the record, I never cheated. If you knew all the horrid things your son said to me & how many times he made me cry, you'd understand why I had to walk away. Be well. Sometimes you have to take a stand. Understand he will always pick her son over you but that doesn't mean she gets to think ill of you. But I am not sure if I should say that. I wouldn't feel good to talk like that for her son. Yes, it is true that she would totally understand if she knew what he had said to me all the time, not just on this situation, but I am not that kind of person who talks on the back even though telling the truth. It would look like I am telling this to her to cover myself for "cheating" or being "immoral". Maybe she wouldn't understand that I am just telling the truth 1
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 It's your life. Say what you want to whom you want. What I wrote is what I would say. You don't have to say anything. However you expressed concerns about your EX lying about you to others & making you the bad guy. How exactly do you expect to counter that disinformation with silence? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 45 minutes ago, migi said: But I don't have as much contact as he does to the people. I won't even have the chance to speak up. Furthermore I don't want say bad things for him (even though I would tell only the truth) but I don't want to tell people that he treated me badly, escpecially his family or friends That means that these people have so little role in your life that you shouldn't care so much about what they think. If you play to stay silent, then you you have to learn to care less about him and everyone else's opinions - and to care a lot more about looking after you. 2 1
Author migi Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's your life. Say what you want to whom you want. What I wrote is what I would say. You don't have to say anything. However you expressed concerns about your EX lying about you to others & making you the bad guy. How exactly do you expect to counter that disinformation with silence? I have no idea honestly. It is the first time that I have to deal with such situation. People who know me, know who I am. That is exactly what my friend told me. "If he would knew how loyal you are and how many nights you have cried for him, he would have never said such things to you and never give up on you." But his people would trust him not me
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 2 minutes ago, migi said: But his people would trust him not me So? Let them think whatever they want. You don't need their endorsement to break up with him and move on. Again, you have to learn to worry what such insignificant people think about you. 3
Author migi Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: So? Let them think whatever they want. You don't need their endorsement to break up with him and move on. Again, you have to learn to worry what such insignificant people think about you. I just don't want people to have bad opinions on me for things I haven't done, because it really hurts. If there would be someone else in my place, I would have said exactly the same that he/she knows the truth and doesn't have to care of what other think. But I can't be ok while knowing what they think of me.
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 27 minutes ago, migi said: But I can't be ok while knowing what they think of me. Then set the record straight by telling his mother that you did not cheat on him. Don't throw him under the bus. Don't disparage him to others. Just say you didn't cheat & leave it at that. But ExPat is right. These other people who you barely know don't matter. Stop thinking what there opinion may be. Hold your head up high & get on with life. This is your 1st break up. It's all unfamiliar territory & it's painful. It won't be your last break up. So best you learn good conduct now. It will save you heartache in the future 1
Calmandfocused Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 People will think what they want to think. Stop worrying about this. There is nothing you can say/do to change it. You know that you are not the things that your boyfriend says about you. Your family and friends know too. Forget what his family thinks. It’s not important. Your boyfriend will lie about you. He will “smear campaign” you. Others will listen to him and support him, but the point is Who cares? You should not. Your opinion, your family and your friends opinions are what matters. They are the ones who will help you through your recovery from this. Stay away from his family or anything associated with him. Focus on you and moving forward. 2
kendahke Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) On 10/27/2020 at 3:24 PM, migi said: He is so childish. Why do you insist upon playing the role of his mommy? He's got a mother already who raised him to be exactly what he is right now. There is nothing lovable about him---you're dependent upon him for your self esteem and validation and he's too busy kicking it into a cesspool for you to go retrieve. Do you like being treated like this? If not, then why are you convincing yourself that you love him? Do you not love yourself more? Do you not feel you deserve to be treated better than this? This is the best that clown can do--he's not nothing better to offer you. You're going to look up and be a worn out 40 yr old behind this man who looks like she's 60. Please get a hold of yourself and these excuses you're buying into. Love is not like this. At. All. Quote I don't want this relationship anymore but I don't want him to think things that aren't true. I don't know what to do. Stop. Trying. To. Control. What. He. Thinks. He is going to think exactly what he wants to think about you and your character and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't climb up in his head and direct traffic, so stop trying. He is a lost cause, so set him adrift and you swim back to the shore of sanity. Quote I don't want to tell people that he treated me badly, escpecially his family or friends They wouldn't believe you anyway--they're loyalty is with him not you. Don't waste your breath or time on anyone loyal to him. They can't get through to him and they like him just the way he is. Quote Btw his mother texted me that she was disappointed I rest my case. Block her. She's his chief loyal supporter and she knows what she birthed and reared. Edited October 29, 2020 by kendahke 1
kendahke Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, migi said: I just don't want people to have bad opinions on me for things I haven't done, because it really hurts. Stop trying to control what grown folks choose to think. People are going to believe exactly what they want to believe and there is nothing you can do about it... they are insignificant in your life, so it doesn't matter what they think about you. You don't have to deal with them on a daily basis in your own life. You are not at their mercy for a place to lay your head at night. They are dismissable and should be right about now--anyone loyal to him can see their way out. Quote But his people would trust him not me Exactly--and that includes his meddling mother trying to stir the pot. Block everyone associated with him who is loyal to him. Edited October 29, 2020 by kendahke
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