She was flirting with guy right in front of me

[philthebill]

Hey there, going to keep this short , just looking for advise really and thoughts, thanks

So last Friday a girl I have been dating for 3 months went out for some socially distant pizza and drinks. Its been our first time out drinking as a couple, with the regulations in my country concerning covid and all. So we were sitting there when a couple that was sitting behind us changed seats and sat next to us ( We overheard them talking that the girl he was with had a bf ) and the girl I had been dating said he was handsome.. just to keep that in mind.

Anyways we started up a conversation with them , the guy was asking the girl I have been dating about what she does for a living ( she's a Principal ) he seemed very interested and the conversation was going on longer than it should have. Next thing I know she’s sitting right next to him for about 10 15 mins, I was not part of the conversation and then she started fixing his hair and saying how nice it was. I was sitting back, taken this all in , could not believe it.. Next thing she does is turn around to me and says, I definitely make more money than you , out of absolutely nowhere, I was not part of the conversation, she was pretty drunk at this stage. But I was fuming inside.

The same night after they left she asks me to be her boyfriend, though it was bizarre ?? I just dropped her home and then text her the next night, when I got home from work about what had happened.

She said she had no explanation other than she was drunk and that she was really sorry. So I have basically walked away .

TL;DR So basically she lost my trust and disrespected me, and really liked her and now feeling like I am in two minds..... what do you guys think, am I doing the right thing ?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, philthebill said:

I have basically walked away .

All you can do in this case.

[philthebill]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do in this case.

Her only explanation was that she was drunk, and apart from that has offered no explanation.

[major_merrick]

They say, "In vino, veritas."  Drunk people reveal their real selves.  I would remind her of exactly what she did, tell her it is unacceptable, that alcohol is no excuse, and that you will be cutting off all contact with her immediately. 

In the future, dating somebody who makes more money than you is probably not a good idea.  I know this is the 21st century and that's not supposed to matter, but not being in the protector/provider role tends to weaken your position in terms of instinct and biology.  Not a popular viewpoint, but it is hard to undo things that are present in the human psyche.  A woman who doesn't "need" her partner at some level will be more likely to look around for somebody else.

[philthebill]

2 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

They say, "In vino, veritas."  Drunk people reveal their real selves.  I would remind her of exactly what she did, tell her it is unacceptable, that alcohol is no excuse, and that you will be cutting off all contact with her immediately. 

In the future, dating somebody who makes more money than you is probably not a good idea.  I know this is the 21st century and that's not supposed to matter, but not being in the protector/provider role tends to weaken your position in terms of instinct and biology.  Not a popular viewpoint, but it is hard to undo things that are present in the human psyche.  A woman who doesn't "need" her partner at some level will be more likely to look around for somebody else.

I had a talk with her, told her my position, nut not talked to her since this time last week when it had happened. I am pretty bummed out about it , because everything seemed to be going great before it all happend.

Yeah I think you're right with the money part, but she seemed to not have minded , but obviously it was playing on her mind. 

[major_merrick]

Of course you're bummed out!  You've put time, effort, and hope into this person only for it to evaporate in a few minutes.  That sucks, and it isn't fair. 

She may have been telling you the truth from her conscious mind- that the money thing didn't matter to her.  But the mind has multiple levels, and dating/relationships seems to be far more about the subconscious mind and instinct than logic.  Modern society tells us that we're just trying to find "love" or "compatibility" and that everybody is somehow "equal."  The reality is quite different, and we're far more like our caveman/cavewoman ancestors than we like to admit.  Everything comes down to survival and reproduction, and finding the best partner(s) to make those things happen. 

[philthebill]

11 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Of course you're bummed out!  You've put time, effort, and hope into this person only for it to evaporate in a few minutes.  That sucks, and it isn't fair. 

 

The guy was only 24 just out of college and boast about how much money he was making, the guy was doing DATA science and going on like he was a CAO.  The girl I was dating is 37, it was actually unbelievable, the girl he was with was looking over at me as if to say what the hell is going on !!  Then the killer blow was that she asked me to be her boyfriend after they had gone. 

[schlumpy]

A very interesting evening and one I'm sure you will remember for quite a while.

I find that when I don't understand something, its not because my cognitive abilities have taken a hike. It is because there is a missing piece of information out there that if known would explain everything.

Is she on any medication that could have teamed up with alcohol and given her personality a twist? Do you think she was hiding this side of her character from you?

Like you I would have viewed the event as a warning to abandon ship. 

You did the right thing for yourself. 

[philthebill]

2 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

A very interesting evening and one I'm sure you will remember for quite a while.

I find that when I don't understand something, its not because my cognitive abilities have taken a hike. It is because there is a missing piece of information out there that if known would explain everything.

Is she on any medication that could have teamed up with alcohol and given her personality a twist? Do you think she was hiding this side of her character from you?

Like you I would have viewed the event as a warning to abandon ship. 

You did the right thing for yourself. 

I gave her a chance to explain her self she said "It wasn't attraction or flirting, or at least didn't mean it to be. Stupid drunken fascination I get with people male/female when had a few." then she goes on to have no other explanation other than it was the drink. She never even related to understand how I was feeling ! 

The next day while I was in work, I was trying so hard to find reasons to why she was doing what she did, just did not sit with me at all. I maybe should have talked to her about in person but chose to just do it over text, just for what she had done.

 

[salparadise]

It's a shame that happened, and I can imagine how it made you feel. Whether it's serious enough to end it is something only you can decide. It could be that you're overreacting. Perhaps your perception sees it as egregious, while her intent was quite different. I'm not saying it's nothing, but if everything else has been good up to this point and she is truly sorry... who knows. I'm not saying you shouldn't be offended either, just that your ego could be blowing it out of proportion. I'd think twice before ending it, that's all I'm saying.

[Watercolors]

For a 37 year old school principal, I'd say her behavior surpassed inappropriate levels. Flirting with a 24 year old guy, tousling his hair, getting so pissed drunk she couldn't control herself? Yikes. I wouldn't send my child to her elementary school. Please tell me you dumped her. I hope you know that you deserve better than this, in a relationship partner, don't you? You shouldn't settle for women like this.

39 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It's a shame that happened, and I can imagine how it made you feel. Whether it's serious enough to end it is something only you can decide. It could be that you're overreacting. Perhaps your perception sees it as egregious, while her intent was quite different. I'm not saying it's nothing, but if everything else has been good up to this point and she is truly sorry... who knows. I'm not saying you shouldn't be offended either, just that your ego could be blowing it out of proportion. I'd think twice before ending it, that's all I'm saying.

Are you serious sal? I mean, really! This has nothing to do with phil's ego as you claim. It has everything to do with the fact that the woman he's been dating is a flirty woman who does not respect phil in the least. He did right by dumping her (you did dump her, correct?).

As a 49 year old woman looking at phil's girlfriend's behavior, I can say that women like that get off on male attention and will do whatever it takes to get that attention. A woman with healthy self-esteem simply does not act like that in public. This woman must be extremely insecure, and extremely manipulative as a result of that insecurity to act like that.

Phil did nothing wrong here, salparadise. I'm surprised by the way you discount her behavior as "nothing." It's everything and her apology to Phil is disingenuous at best. Because frankly, that's who she really is and she can try to justify it as being drunk, but it's who she is sober as well.

 

55 minutes ago, philthebill said:

I gave her a chance to explain her self she said "It wasn't attraction or flirting, or at least didn't mean it to be. Stupid drunken fascination I get with people male/female when had a few." then she goes on to have no other explanation other than it was the drink. She never even related to understand how I was feeling ! 

The next day while I was in work, I was trying so hard to find reasons to why she was doing what she did, just did not sit with me at all. I maybe should have talked to her about in person but chose to just do it over text, just for what she had done.

 

Anytime someone blames alcohol for their behavior, they're covering up for who they really are. Getting drunk only amplifies someone's character traits and intentions. She didn't relate to your feelings b/c deep down, she doesn't really respect you. She blurted out that she makes more money than you. That's as insulting as it is disrespectful. She was acting like a teenager. Is that the type of woman you think you deserve to be with? She sounds extremely insecure and immature.

Your intuition at work was nagging you all day because you know deep down, that her behavior was totally inappropriate and that her apology to you was an excuse more than it was a reason and her lack of empathy and respect for how her behavior affected you, is well, all the information you need to know that she's not someone you should be with long term in a relationship with. I guarantee you, it will only get worse with her.

You should be with a woman who has enough self-esteem and self-control where she doesn't drink to the point of oblivion while out on a date with you, and then act the fool only later to weakly apologize, "Oh it was the drink, Phil! I'm really not like that!." How boring if that's how dates with her end up; you sit there while she gets soused, flirts with men in front of you, then blurts out really disrespectful things about you, to embarrass you, in front of others. Real winner there, Phil! Sounds like a good time. *not*

Edited October 24, 2020 by Watercolors

[MsJayne]

The great thing about your date is that your girl showed you just how socially switched off she is straight up, so you never have to waste another minute in her company.  This chick has incredibly bad manners and if alcohol caused it she should never touch another drop. Regardless, just  the comment about earning more money would have done it for me - what a bogan! If she's the principal of a school I sincerely hope she's not passing on her bad manners and social deafness to innocent children.  

 

[major_merrick]

I know what she did does not make rational sense.  Its because you're not dealing with her conscious decisions.  Under the influence, she revealed what's going on underneath.  Not a pretty picture.  She's unstable, attention-seeking, and vulnerable to advances.  Your intuition is telling you these things....listen to it!  She's not worth keeping.  She's the kind who wants to "have her cake and eat it too."  If you were her boyfriend or her husband, she would still be open to sex with other people behind your back. 

Ultimately, while it hurts in the present this is a good thing for you long term.  You've seen her true colors, you can avoid the mess she'd make of your life and spend your time on somebody who is a better match. 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, philthebill said:

Her only explanation was that she was drunk, and apart from that has offered no explanation.

 

 

Some wuestions

 

1 when she was drunk/buzzed did a different personality come out like she normally is shy and reserved but becomes more sociable and flirty when drunk?

2.  This coukd be her normal interaction with people thus it’s hard to ready if this is flirting vs normal. I recall in college there was a girl I had interest in and I would think maybe she was interested in me but I’d see similar things when talking with other guys. She was a fellow student in my major so there was a group of about a dozen or so who knew each other. We did things socially together in a large group.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Versacehottie]

I started off reading this imagining you were probably overreacting (still not sure about the money part).  But yeah her fixing his hair and giving him attention for that length of time without including you, like a group conversation is not cool and i think you should walk away.

Presumably she will be drunk again in life so I wouldn't bet on this girl.  Also doesn't sound like she was black out drunk at a college party; she sounds like you guys were pub drinking and it was relatively civilized--ie drunk is a bad excuse under these circumstances.

[Watercolors]

47 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

The great thing about your date is that your girl showed you just how socially switched off she is straight up, so you never have to waste another minute in her company.  This chick has incredibly bad manners and if alcohol caused it she should never touch another drop. Regardless, just  the comment about earning more money would have done it for me - what a bogan! If she's the principal of a school I sincerely hope she's not passing on her bad manners and social deafness to innocent children.  

 

My cousin's wife is a total bogan. AND she went from being a special education teacher to a school principal of a K-5 school after she received her principal's license. Scary as hell. Because she and my cousin are both raging alcoholics. At every family wedding, those two get stumbling drunk at the reception, act raucous and then gaslight everyone the next day, by denying their idiotic behavior. Their poor son moved out of state to get away from them. He doesn't drink either.

I agree with you that Phil's g/f (or ex) is a bogan. She definitely acted like a woman out of serious control, the way she monopolized that other guy's time away from his girlfriend by flirting with him, tousling his hair, ignoring Phil, then embarrassing Phil by blurting that she makes more money than he does to that other couple at their table. Those are enough red flags to use as a justification to walk away from the person who acts that way when they are with you. To stay with someone like that, is to ask for more trouble.

 

33 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

I know what she did does not make rational sense.  Its because you're not dealing with her conscious decisions.  Under the influence, she revealed what's going on underneath.  Not a pretty picture.  She's unstable, attention-seeking, and vulnerable to advances.  Your intuition is telling you these things....listen to it!  She's not worth keeping.  She's the kind who wants to "have her cake and eat it too."  If you were her boyfriend or her husband, she would still be open to sex with other people behind your back. 

Ultimately, while it hurts in the present this is a good thing for you long term.  You've seen her true colors, you can avoid the mess she'd make of your life and spend your time on somebody who is a better match. 

I agree with you about her being the type who would cheat on Phil with other men behind his back. I know women like this and it is excruciating to watch their partners pretend their r/s is 100% transparent, when everyone else around them can see that it's not. And yes, Phil's intuition is telling him these things about her. He needs to listen to himself. Not second guess himself b/c she tells him to, making the excuse that her behavior was due to her being drunk. She's definitely unstable, attention-seeking, and vulnerable to advances because she's not secure with herself overall. And Phil, that's not your job to renovate her. She's not a project for you to fix. You need to be with a more mature woman who has healthy self-esteem, knows her value, is grounded, and doesn't act like a fool when she's out with you at the pub.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Watercolors

[Interstellar]

So after all of this she asked you to be the bf? she sounds like a whackjob and has no class on top of it. Block and delete her from your life.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Interstellar

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Are you serious sal? I mean, really! This has nothing to do with phil's ego as you claim. It has everything to do with the fact that the woman he's been dating is a flirty woman who does not respect phil in the least. 

It certainly would result in a bruised ego, which is perfectly normal. I'm just thinking it may have been unintentional on her part because she wasn't controlling herself as she normally would. 

 

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

As a 49 year old woman looking at phil's girlfriend's behavior, I can say that women like that get off on male attention and will do whatever it takes to get that attention. A woman with healthy self-esteem simply does not act like that in public. This woman must be extremely insecure, and extremely manipulative as a result of that insecurity to act like that.

Perhaps. If she is one of those who thrives on male attention from whomever, however she can get it, then I'd agree. However, I don't think that is an established fact. It's definitely a red flag, but whether it's cause for kicking her to the curb... not sure. If he's been dating her three months and this is the only incident, and if she's not texting/sexting men or all the other stuff such women do then I'd say look at it in context rather than as a single defining moment.

All I'm saying is that he should give it some thought and use his best judgement as opposed to reacting instinctively with the nuclear option. His perception/feeling may be making it a bigger thing than she intended, and she may have been quite a bit more effusive than intended. IOW, throwing the baby out with the bathwater...

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It certainly would result in a bruised ego, which is perfectly normal. I'm just thinking it may have been unintentional on her part because she wasn't controlling herself as she normally would.

Perhaps. If she is one of those who thrives on male attention from whomever, however she can get it, then I'd agree. However, I don't think that is an established fact. It's definitely a red flag, but whether it's cause for kicking her to the curb... not sure. If he's been dating her three months and this is the only incident, and if she's not texting/sexting men or all the other stuff such women do then I'd say look at it in context rather than as a single defining moment.

All I'm saying is that he should give it some thought and use his best judgement as opposed to reacting instinctively with the nuclear option. His perception/feeling may be making it a bigger thing than she intended, and she may have been quite a bit more effusive than intended. IOW, throwing the baby out with the bathwater...

What thought is there to give to this situation? She is 37 years old. She's a school principal whose job is to instill discipline and order to elementary students and staff all day, every day. Yet, the moment she hits the pub at night with Phil, whom she's been dating for 3 months, that's when its perfectly acceptable for her to drink to oblivion, get touchy feely with a 24 year old she's *not* there with, then embarrass Phil even more bragging about how much her salary is compared to his. You think that makes her worthy of a second chance? Someone who is long-term relationship quality?

Your stance is that she deserves a second chance b/c this is a one-off? Just to be clear.

How could you justify her actions as anything but red flag worthy? Her behavior was completely out of hand and Phil did not overreact. So, touseling a strange guy's hair and falling all over him unrestrained is normal behavior for women? I think not, salparadise. How is Phil overreacting here? She *chose* to drink to oblivion. She *chose* to blatantly ignore Phil, fall all over some strange guy younger than her who was there with his own g/f, then acted raucous and the next day, asked Phil to be her boyfriend. That's not normal behavior salparadise. C'mon buddy.

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, philthebill said:

So I have basically walked away .  She is 37 years old.

Why didn't you walk away when she scooted next to him and ignored you?

She's old enough to call an uber to get home.

Edited October 24, 2020 by kendahke

[Ruby Slippers]

Very disrespectful. And I agree that alcohol is a truth serum. It's good to hear you kicked her to the curb. So many people don't have the self-respect to do that. It's refreshing. 

[salparadise]

5 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Your stance is that she deserves a second chance b/c this is a one-off? Just to be clear.

My stance is that he needs to make it a well considered decision, not an instant reaction. We don't know a lot about her, the relationship to this point, or how attached he is/was. I am not taking a position other than to say slow down look at it from more than one perspective.

I'm done.

[Erik30]

I would've left her at the restaurant... and tell her "her new boyfriend" can drive her home

[Watercolors]

29 minutes ago, salparadise said:

My stance is that he needs to make it a well considered decision, not an instant reaction. We don't know a lot about her, the relationship to this point, or how attached he is/was. I am not taking a position other than to say slow down look at it from more than one perspective.

I'm done.

I always respect your opinion salparadise. But in this case, I just have to disagree with you that she deserves a second chance. You're correct that we don't know the details of their 3 month relationship. But, the details that Phil shared with us here, are enough to make an informed opinion that her behavior was terrible and Phil should not ignore it.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, philthebill said:

Her only explanation was that she was drunk, and apart from that has offered no explanation.

I'd be disgusted. Walking away was the right thing to do.