Should I contact him to ask if he is ok, or he is not into me?

[MissPinkEyes]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I actually don't understand why OP is so confused.  It's pretty common for men to not get back in touch after a first date if they have no interest.  The same applies to women who aren't interested.  Maybe it would help to not get so attached on just the first date.  It's just a date.

It seems he did get in touch after the date saying his daughter was sick. 

One can say nothing after a first date, but why saying his daughter is sick and worry the other person? Makes no sense.

[girlnextdoor2020]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

OP does sound insecure and overly anxious, though. If I recall correctly,  it’s been one date, he told her his daughter is sick and suggested he would get back to her.  Idk, I feel like in the meantime, the appropriate response would be to move on and keep dating. Not feel slighted that he isn’t putting her first after 1 date. If he’s legit, he’ll come back with a second date when it blows over.

 Maybe he is not behaving like a man who prioritizes romance and is over the moon, so yeah, if she wants a man who will drop everything for a 2nd date because he’s so afraid of losing her etc, that’s fine too(though I’ve dated men like this and it gets old fast). She should move on and date other guys. Not check this one’s social media and contemplate sending a text fishing for affirmation he was telling the truth. As someone who is told by all the time by people on love shack I need therapy,  I’m surprised so many LSers are condoning OP’s behavior. 

He did not suggest he would get back to me.  If he did, I would be waiting for him to get back and wouldn't come here asking this.

I don't want a man "who will drop everything for a 2nd date because he’s so afraid of losing her". I want a man who keeps in touch and wants to go on as second date because he liked me. Very different.

The only reason I appear insecure and anxious is because it was confusing telling me his daughter was sick after our date. If he is not interested, fine, move on, but don't share things about his life anymore with me and making me worried.

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

He did not suggest he would get back to me.  If he did, I would be waiting for him to get back and wouldn't come here asking this.

I don't want a man "who will drop everything for a 2nd date because he’s so afraid of losing her". I want a man who keeps in touch and wants to go on as second date because he liked me. Very different.

The only reason I appear insecure and anxious is because it was confusing telling me his daughter was sick after our date. If he is not interested, fine, move on, but don't share things about his life anymore with me and making me worried.

But are you really worried, legitimately worried? You don’t know this guy.

[girlnextdoor2020]

13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

But are you really worried, legitimately worried? You don’t know this guy.

I was worried yes when he told me his daughter was sick as he was really worried himself. 

Now I’m just confused and wondering what he said was true or not.

To be honest, I’m here wondering if he is interested or not, if I should send a message or not, whilst he is perfectly fine not contacting me and didn’t even read my last message, but then continues to post funny stuff on his Facebook.

I’m starting to find this ridiculous.

Edited October 25, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Beachead]

@girlnextdoor2020

Put a deadline of 2 weeks on yourself and focus on other things until then, to curb your anxiety.  When one week out of the 2 passes by, send him a message asking him how he is.  Based on his response (Or lack there of), choose to stay, or pull the plug.   If he gives you an answer that confuses you, you have another week to think about it, at which point if nothing changes, you pull the plug because that's your deadline.

This will give you more than enough time to suss out whether this man is full of sh*t or not and 100% justification to drop him.  The 2 weeks is for your conscious and to help you clear your doubts, potential guilt and regret, down the road should you feel as such.

Right now, you're jumping to conclusions. 

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Beachead

[poppyfields]

59 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

To be honest, I’m here wondering if he is interested or not, if I should send a message or not, whilst he is perfectly fine not contacting me and didn’t even read my last message, but then continues to post funny stuff on his Facebook.

Not quite sure what good it would do to send another message girl.  On Monday, in one week or two weeks, when he couldn't even be bothered to read your last message, let alone respond.  

Sometimes all it takes is good ole common sense to realize there is just no interest.   None, zip.  I'm sorry.  

I am now agreeing with some others about some possible underlying anxiety or something.  

This situation should not be causing this much angst.  I understand your confusion at first, but this need for closure, I dunno it's a bit over the top imo.  You really just gotta let stuff like this roll off.  

The man had a vision of you, an image, before you met in person.  When you met, the reality of you didn't match the image, it happens all the time when meeting on line.

The reason he told you about his daughter (regardless of whether true or not) was to have a legit reason for backing off without looking like the "bad guy." 

Not that he would be a bad guy, he's allowed to not be interested.  

But some men, especially when they start out fast and strong like he did, feel guilty so they think up a legit reason to alleviate guilt and not look like a **** to the woman.

Also, you said yourself that during the date, he didn't show much interest.

So yeah, this one is done, let it go.  I'm sorry.  

 

Edited October 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[girlnextdoor2020]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not quite sure what good it would do to send another message girl.  On Monday, in one week or two weeks, when he couldn't even be bothered to read your last message, let alone respond.  

Sometimes all it takes is good ole common sense to realize there is just no interest.   None, zip.  I'm sorry.  

I am now agreeing with some others about some possible underlying anxiety or something.  

This situation should not be causing this much angst.  I understand your confusion at first, but this need for closure, I dunno it's a bit over the top imo.  You really just gotta let stuff like this roll off.  

The man had a vision of you, an image, before you met in person.  When you met, the reality of you didn't match the image, it happens all the time when meeting on line.

The reason he told you about his daughter (regardless of whether true or not) was to have a legit reason for backing off without looking like the "bad guy." 

Not that he would be a bad guy, he's allowed to not be interested.  

But some men, especially when they start out fast and strong like he did, feel guilty so they think up a legit reason to alleviate guilt and not look like a ****.  

Also, you said yourself that during the date, he didn't show much interest.

So yeah, this one is done, let it go.  I'm sorry.  

During the date the conversation was friendly, but there was no flirtation and no conversation around what am I looking for in a man, etc. Normal things to talk about and do when a man is interested.

At some point he even asked at what time I have to go. I think he just wanted to leave.

I think the reason for so much angst it was just I really enjoyed the connection before the date and liked him at the date, and that is so rare to happen.

But you’re right, he is not interested for whatever reason and I have to accept that.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I think the reason for so much angst it was just I really enjoyed the connection before the date and liked him at the date, and that is so rare to happen.

But you’re right, he is not interested for whatever reason and I have to accept that.

Girl, you know reading your posts, I feel like you could be someone I might be friends with IRL.  

I just so identify with everything you've written.  And yes finding that connection IS so very rare.  

But have some faith!  At least you know you're capable of making such a connection and you WILL find it again, I promise.  

But maybe take your time next time?  Don't allow yourself to get caught up in HIS fantasy which is what I think happened.  YOU set the pace.  

Anyway, again sorry you got disappointed.  . 

(((BIG virtual hug.)))

 

[girlnextdoor2020]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Girl, you know reading your posts, I feel like you could be someone I might be friends with IRL.  

I just so identify with everything you've written.  And yes finding that connection IS so very rare.  

But have some faith!  At least you know you're capable of making such a connection and you WILL find it again, I promise.  

But maybe take your time next time?  Don't allow yourself to get caught up in HIS fantasy which is what I think happened.  YOU set the pace.  

Anyway, again sorry you got disappointed.  . 

(((BIG virtual hug.)))

 

Awwww thank you! That made my day to know that

I’m starting to think there was no real connection. It was just a fantasy from his side and he got excited and then real life was different. 

If it was a real connection in real life it would have been the same or even better, because I was exactly the same person as on the phone.

But yes it was good to know I am capable of feeling that connection and want to feel it with the right person.

Edited October 25, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Watercolors]

36 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

During the date the conversation was friendly, but there was no flirtation and no conversation around what am I looking for in a man, etc. Normal things to talk about and do when a man is interested.

At some point he even asked at what time I have to go. I think he just wanted to leave.

I think the reason for so much angst it was just I really enjoyed the connection before the date and liked him at the date, and that is so rare to happen.

But you’re right, he is not interested for whatever reason and I have to accept that.

He was giving you clues of his disinterest during the date though. How could you be confused by those cues? Maybe because you were so caught up in the build-up via the texting you two had done before you met in person?
 

8 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Awwww thank you! That made my day to know that

I’m starting to think there was no real connection. It was just a fantasy from his side and he got excited and then real life was different. 

If it was a real connection in real life it would have been the same or even better, because I was exactly the same person as on the phone.

But yes it was good to know I am capable of feeling that connection and want to feel it with the right person.

Again, he didn't do anything wrong here. I think you are blaming him for rejecting you. As if it's wrong to reject you. He's allowed to choose who he wants to date. I know you are disappointed that he didn't choose you.

But, you know that is how online dating works. You date multiple people. You go on a lot of first and second dates until you find someone who wants to go on a third and fourth and fifth date, and so on, with you. But there will be a lot of one-and-done first dates. Just because the guy rejects you, doesn't mean he is a bad guy in the least.

And the fantasy wasn't from his side, it was from your side. I am sorry to sound harsh but it's true. I don't blame you either, for feeling disappointed that he rejected you. But, I do think that you built up a fantasy about who he is in your mind, because of all that texting you did with him before you met him in person.

And, since you wrote that you have moved on and are texting other guys already, then you should not be so attached and upset over just one guy's rejection of you. In this new group of guys you're now texting with, do you like any of them? Or are you unable to let go of this guy? Don't let one guy ruin it for the rest. There is a guy out there for you. And he will not ghost you, if he wants to date you. But remember, texting is not dating. I think Wiseman2 has said this before and it's really good advice to follow.

 

[mortensorchid]

Just relax.  I think as we get older we learn more and more to distance ourselves and have the importance of quiet time.  In this case, he was preoccupied because his daughter had to go to the hospital.  Understandable.  You reached out, and he knows you have some interest in him, but let it be because his daughter was sick.  And if you never hear from him again?  That's that, next. 

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

He did not suggest he would get back to me.  If he did, I would be waiting for him to get back and wouldn't come here asking this.

This is the issue I think you have, that I see in your responses with this thread. You tend to make a lot of assumptions, like you did here. You assumed that due to great text-chemistry with him, that your first date would be stellar and that he would prioritize his attention and life around seeing you after that. You assumed he would get back to you, even though he never gave you any cue verbally or text message that he would follow up with you after his daughter's diagnosis. Yet, you fumed about it, anxious that he didn't prioritize you over his daughter's health (true or not), despite the fact that you had 1 date with this guy who is a complete stranger to you.

I think like many online daters, its easy to build up a fantasy of the person based on their OLD dating profile pic and what they write about themselves; then, how well they communicate digitally with you via text or on Facebook or via email. But if you take all of those modes away, you only have face to face interaction left, which I believe, is the best way to tell if someone is truly compatible with you.

Since you are texting with other guys for first dates, that's great but just don't repeat history with them. Don't jump to conclusions about guys you barely know. And try to slow down and develop a thicker skin with first dates that don't lead to a second date.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

To be honest, I’m here wondering if he is interested or not, if I should send a message or not, whilst he is perfectly fine not contacting me and didn’t even read my last message, but then continues to post funny stuff on his Facebook.

He is not interested. 

There is no point sending him another message when he hasn't even bothered to read the last one, and hasn't been in touch with you since. It stings, but you don't want to toss out your dignity and go looking for a man who is making it pretty clear that he doesn't feel the same interest. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

11 hours ago, Watercolors said:

This is the issue I think you have, that I see in your responses with this thread. You tend to make a lot of assumptions, like you did here. You assumed that due to great text-chemistry with him, that your first date would be stellar and that he would prioritize his attention and life around seeing you after that. You assumed he would get back to you, even though he never gave you any cue verbally or text message that he would follow up with you after his daughter's diagnosis. Yet, you fumed about it, anxious that he didn't prioritize you over his daughter's health (true or not), despite the fact that you had 1 date with this guy who is a complete stranger to you.

I think like many online daters, its easy to build up a fantasy of the person based on their OLD dating profile pic and what they write about themselves; then, how well they communicate digitally with you via text or on Facebook or via email. But if you take all of those modes away, you only have face to face interaction left, which I believe, is the best way to tell if someone is truly compatible with you.

Since you are texting with other guys for first dates, that's great but just don't repeat history with them. Don't jump to conclusions about guys you barely know. And try to slow down and develop a thicker skin with first dates that don't lead to a second date.

You are right. If we didn't have had all that texting and calling before we meet, and only exchanged a few text messages or one phone call and then meet, my idea of him from the date would have been totally different.

On the phone he was open, available, funny, interested. In person as soon as he saw me he was distant, aloof and doing small talk, although polite. From the date itself there wouldn't have been attraction from my side because of that.

I like to see a man who shows interest, flirts, asks the important questions about relationships, shows interest in seeing me again, etc. There was nothing of that.

I guess I was hooked up on what happened before the date, so much sharing about ourselves. Lesson learned that I will not do that again before meeting in person, especially when I see a guy is texting so much before. That in itself can be seen as a red flag.

I've decided to not send any more messages to him. The last person messaging was me, I showed concern and interest and he didn't text me again. I wish him well.

Edited October 26, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[d0nnivain]

28 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

On the phone he was open, available, funny, interested. In person as soon as he saw me he was distant, aloof and doing small talk, although polite. From the date itself there wouldn't have been attraction from my side because of that.

I have previously understood that the date was great & you felt the connection was stronger.  This isn't that.  This is when he learned who you were in real life vs who you seemed like to him were different & he wasn't interested. 

Let this go at this point.  The daughter's sickness is looking more & more like an excuse.   

[girlnextdoor2020]

55 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I have previously understood that the date was great & you felt the connection was stronger.  This isn't that.  This is when he learned who you were in real life vs who you seemed like to him were different & he wasn't interested. 

Let this go at this point.  The daughter's sickness is looking more & more like an excuse.   

I did like him on the date though. To me I was keen to meet him for a second date.

The fact he cut contact afterwards made me review everything that happened, and realise that the date per se was not that great after all. I was hooked on our connection before the date and the guy was handsome, so that was it. The connection felt like an oasis in the middle of so many shallow conversations and empty people on OLD and it made me open up.

I have been single and on OLD for 3 years now. I am tired of this dating thing and is not fun anymore. For a moment I thought I found something different.

Yes I am letting this go.

Edited October 26, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Gaeta]

Unfortunately this will happen more than once while looking for your special someone. I met many men feeling a connection with me when I felt none and vice versa. Do not dwell too long on it, when you both connect it will unfold naturally and smoothly and you will never wonder if you got his attention for real or not. Like others have pointed do not spend too much time texting before meeting, meet asap and take it from there. 

[smackie9]

When you look at these things, you have to put aside your attraction for them and the "connection" you felt, before you take in their actions/behavior. When you are feeling confused, that's because you thought you got one on your line, but once you tried to reel him in more he jumped and shook it off...swam away.

A lot of people hate rejecting, confrontation, etc, so they slip in a lie, a few excuses in hopes you get the hint. I'm sure he felt guilty for not being interested after all the connecting beforehand, and saw how interested you were on the date. Made him go oh oh what do I do now? We have had many threads on "they were great to talk to, but there's no attraction...I feel like a bad person for getting their hopes up."

Edited October 26, 2020 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

46 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I have been single and on OLD for 3 years now. I am tired of this dating thing and is not fun anymore. 

OMG 3 years on OLD.  I didn't last 3 months.  Granted with Covid it is one of the few options but yikes.   

I hope you find somebody wonderful but I doubt it will be on OLD.  

[girlnextdoor2020]

47 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

When you look at these things, you have to put aside your attraction for them and the "connection" you felt, before you take in their actions/behavior. When you are feeling confused, that's because you thought you got one on your line, but once you tried to reel him in more he jumped and shook it off...swam away.

A lot of people hate rejecting, confrontation, etc, so they slip in a lie, a few excuses in hopes you get the hint. I'm sure he felt guilty for not being interested after all the connecting beforehand, and saw how interested you were on the date. Made him go oh oh what do I do now? We have had many threads on "they were great to talk to, but there's no attraction...I feel like a bad person for getting their hopes up."

Well maybe they need to be more mature then in how they date. Stop texting and getting involved so much before meeting. I let myself be involved by what this guy did, but I would never do that myself before meeting, as in texting and calling the guy everyday.

 

Edited October 26, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I have been single and on OLD for 3 years now. I am tired of this dating thing and is not fun anymore. For a moment I thought I found something different.

Chin up! I was online 3,5 years and had probably 200 first coffee dates before meeting my current boyfriend. I did  not feel a 'connection' when I met him, I judged he was a decent man with qualities I was looking for so I went on a 2nd date, 3rd one and here we ar 5 years later. Let go of the belief that the right guy will come with fireworks and an instant connection.

[girlnextdoor2020]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

OMG 3 years on OLD.  I didn't last 3 months.  Granted with Covid it is one of the few options but yikes.   

I hope you find somebody wonderful but I doubt it will be on OLD.  

Well I will be single forever then. I work from home, don't go out with friends now, you cannot approach or be approach spontaneously on the street now because of social distancing, so what's left? Online dating.

[girlnextdoor2020]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Chin up! I was online 3,5 years and had probably 200 first coffee dates before meeting my current boyfriend. I did  not feel a 'connection' when I met him, I judged he was a decent man with qualities I was looking for so I went on a 2nd date, 3rd one and here we ar 5 years later. Let go of the belief that the right guy will come with fireworks and an instant connection.

He might not come with fireworks and an instant connection, but I'm sure you have to feel something in order to go on a second date.

[d0nnivain]

Hang in there.   We all have to believe that Covid will be over one day.  Hey, the Spanish flu of 1918 & the plague ended, didn't they?  

I think some hiking groups are meeting up.  Have you tried one of those?  What about just walking in your neighborhood every day?  Granted I'm married but I met so many new people in this pandemic just doing that.  

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

He might not come with fireworks and an instant connection, but I'm sure you have to feel something in order to go on a second date.

No, my story is well known on here by the regulars. In fact after our 1st meeting I had decided to not see him again and told myself I will let him know if he calls me back. When he called me back to invite me on a second date I thought to myself I have no real reasons to refuse, he had been a gentleman during our 1st date, he was well put together, articulate....ok I'll go on a 2nd date (I told myself). I arrived to our 2nd date first, I was waiting for him at the door and saw him park his car and walk toward me. I remember thinking...wow this guy walks with a lot of confidence like Liam Neeson  , I didn't see that last week (I told myself)! I was still not convinced after our 2nd date but after our 3rd date I absolutely wanted to see him again and again. 

I went on that 2nd date because he came across as a serious man but also I had just spent 3 years chasing down 'chemistry, attraction, connection' and I had nothing to show for. I wanted to do something different, and it paid off.

That being said I would not have gone on a 4th date if my attraction had not grown beyond that 3rd date.