Should I contact him to ask if he is ok, or he is not into me?

[poppyfields]

GND wrote:>>We met last Thursday after lunch for coffee, and he sent me the message about his daughter a few hours later that same day.<<

Interesting.   Did he also tell you how much he enjoyed meeting you and looking forward to seeing you again?  

His daughter was with her mom at the time, but yet when you reached out he couldn't talk cause he was "working."

I honestly and truly don't get how this is even up for debate. 

Edited October 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[girlnextdoor2020]

42 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Women don’t do this either ???

Maybe, I don't. I want to know the real e

 

39 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

And I'm doing the classic "next" method.

 

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Ellener, how is she over-reacting?  The guy kept in touch ad nauseam before the first in-person meet, and now after the meet, he's gone complete 100% no contact.  

What else is there to think?  Guy is not interested after the meet.  And as a result, GND has lost interest.

I don't understand why you think she's being intense or overacting.  

This is a normal and very healthy reaction as far as I'm concerned.  Common sense.   She's being smart.  

No sense wasting time with a disinterested man, and if he were interested, no way would he have brushed her off when she reached out, telling her he's "working" and then gone no contact.  

These early stages and especially after the first meet are so precarious.  

Smart men know how important it is to stay in touch even if they can't get together again for awhile.  Assuming they're interested.  

What he's done, brushed her off when she called, and gone no contact?  But has time to post on FB? 

Come on now Ellener, this is clear disinterest. 

Yes exactly.

One thing I value a LOT is consistency. I know a lot of guys stop contacting because they are dating other women, and then they might come back when things didn't go well with them, but to me the no contact for days or weeks already made me lose trust in them.

In order to be relaxed next to a man I need to trust him. That allows me to be fully in my feminine energy, being playful, relaxed, my best self.

A guy that does that I don't trust him anymore. I know that if I go on a date again with him, I'll be sceptic and in my masculine energy of protecting myself and be guarded because I don't know if after the second, third, four date, is he going to go no contact again and make me feel anxious again. This is toxic.

That's why these early stages are very important. I do not leave a guy hanging because I want to date another one, so do not accept anyone doing that to me. Go date other women but do not come back because I have moved on to meet more respectful guys.

And if he is not interested and used his daughter as an excuse, that to me is such a bad character I want nothing to do with it as well.

Edited October 24, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[girlnextdoor2020]

33 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

GND wrote:>>We met last Thursday after lunch for coffee, and he sent me the message about his daughter a few hours later that same day.<<

Interesting.   Did he also tell you how much he enjoyed meeting you and looking forward to seeing you again?  

His daughter was with her mom at the time, but yet when you reached out he couldn't talk cause he was "working."

I honestly and truly don't get how this is even up for debate. 

He said nothing about it. On the date he didn't say he wanted to see me again, and also didn't mention anything later on. 

That working thing was really an excuse, because before we met, he would text me all the time at work.

It's not, it's quite obvious. The whole questioning was only because of what he said about his daughter that got me confused. 

That and the fact most guys I meet the conversations and connection are dull or boring, and I did feel a connection with this guy and our conversations were interesting, and I miss having that kind of connection with a man so much in my life. 

Edited October 24, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[MissPinkEyes]

37 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

He said nothing about it. On the date he didn't say he wanted to see me again, and also didn't mention anything later on. 

That working thing was really an excuse, because before we met, he would text me all the time at work.

It's not, it's quite obvious. The whole questioning was only because of what he said about his daughter that got me confused. 

That and the fact most guys I meet the conversations and connection are dull or boring, and I did feel a connection with this guy and our conversations were interesting, and I miss having that kind of connection with a man so much in my life. 

Many guys do the texting too much and talking too much before meeting in person as a form of love bombing and creating a sense of intimacy so when they do meet in person you think you already know them and they more easily get what they want from you. They do that over and over again.

Possibly that’s what happened and when you met he felt he couldn’t easily get what he wanted from you (whatever that is), and he ghosted.

You probably dodget a bullet.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

First, you got into a car with a stranger?

Second, he either heard or saw something during the date he didn't like. (Not that you did anything wrong necessarily.) He's trying to ease away. Don't bother contacting him again. 

[Watercolors]

48 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

He said nothing about it. On the date he didn't say he wanted to see me again, and also didn't mention anything later on. 

That working thing was really an excuse, because before we met, he would text me all the time at work.

It's not, it's quite obvious. The whole questioning was only because of what he said about his daughter that got me confused. 

That and the fact most guys I meet the conversations and connection are dull or boring, and I did feel a connection with this guy and our conversations were interesting, and I miss having that kind of connection with a man so much in my life. 

But he didn't do anything wrong with you. He didn't ask you out again which is common with online dating after one date. He doesn't owe you closure after one date.

Did you delete him from your Facebook account or are you two still friends? I didn't see if you deleted him or have kept him on as a FB friend in the hopes he'll come around and ask you out again.

All of this analyzing his actions post-first-date is your anxiety acting out. It's your attempt to create closure for yourself because you made the common mistake of idealizing him before you met him, by texting with him so much prior to your first and only date with him. You built up this picture of him in your mind, from your text message exchanges, as though that created an accurate picture of his personality and values etc. But texting isn't dating.

It's a shame that you felt a connection to him and he didn't reciprocate. You'll never know if his 16 year old daughter had COVID or he had to work. But what you do know is, based on his not asking you out for a second date, he's not interested in pursuing anything more with you. So you need to let it go.

Since you are already moving on to chatting with other men, maybe you should rethink your pre-first-date strategy of getting too emotionally attached via text messages, before you actually meet the guy in person on the first date. And please don't let a complete stranger come to your house to pick you up. That's just a horrible idea. You don't know him, no matter what he texts with you. Always play it safe and drive to the meeting place alone.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

That and the fact most guys I meet the conversations and connection are dull or boring, and I did feel a connection with this guy and our conversations were interesting, and I miss having that kind of connection with a man so much in my life. 

I know, I hear ya girl.  I can literally feel your disappointment.  Hugs. 

I hope you're not taking this personally or feel rejected.. it would be understandable if you did but try not to.

The guy was totally fantasy-driven.  Any man who comes on that hard before meeting in person usually is.  And he pulled you in for the ride.

Once reality hit, like when you met in person, the fantasy died along with whatever "feelings" or interest he had.

I'd be curious to know what his history with women is, but suffice it to say you are probably not the first woman he's done this with.  

I know you miss that connection before you met.  Okay to mourn that.

But him, as a man?  Don't waste your energy.  

I realize I'm being hard-nosed since it's possible his daughter is sick. 

Nevertheless, stay away from fantasy-driven men who come on fast and strong before meeting, and then back off after meeting.  

Anything good or positive will rarely develop from that. 

Feel better.  xo

 

Edited October 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

16 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Many guys do the texting too much and talking too much before meeting in person as a form of love bombing and creating a sense of intimacy so when they do meet in person you think you already know them and they more easily get what they want from you. They do that over and over again.

Possibly that’s what happened and when you met he felt he couldn’t easily get what he wanted from you (whatever that is), and he ghosted.

You probably dodget a bullet.

Ah yes, the pre-date text love bombing. Guys and women do this all the time with each other as you pointed out. It's to create a false sense of emotional intimacy so that when you finally meet in person, they think you're ready to to either have sex right away with them, or who knows. But it's disingenuous all this pre-date texting. Texting isn't dating. Make that your mantra. And stop all that texting. Just one or two texts prior to the first date where you meet him at the venue to play it safe. I mean you don't even know this guy. What if he made up the fact that he had a 16 year old daughter?! Try not to be so trusting so soon with complete strangers.

[girlnextdoor2020]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I know, I hear ya girl.  I can literally feel your disappointment.  Hugs. 

I hope you're not taking this personally or feel rejected.. it would be understandable if you did but try not to.

The guy was totally fantasy-driven.  Any man who comes on that hard before meeting in person usually is.  And he pulled you in for the ride.

Once reality hit, like when you met in person, the fantasy died along with whatever "feelings" or interest he had.

I'd be curious to know what his history with women is, but suffice it to say you are probably not the first woman he's done this with.  

I know you miss that connection before you met.  Okay to mourn that.

But him, as a man?  Don't waste your energy.  

I realize I'm being hard-nosed since it's possible his daughter is sick. 

Nevertheless, stay away from fantasy-driven men who come on fast and strong before meeting, and then back off after meeting.  

Anything good or positive will rarely develop from that. 

Feel better.  xo

 

Yes and I'm actually pis** off because I usually do not text much before meeting and take everything they say before meeting with a grain of salt, and only at the actual date in person I want to see how I feel. And sometimes guys don't say anything after the first date and I don't give a rat's ars*.

So with this guy I let myself text too much and feel a connection before meeting in person. And it actually felt real, it didn't feel he was lovebombing or doing it on purpose. I've had guys doing it before and it would feel off and BS, but this time it felt nice and real. And then I liked in in person, even more than on the phone, and I'm stunned he didn't feel the same. 

I guess I'm just angry at myself for letting myself believe something before we met, because what I felt was the type of connection I am looking for with someone. And I was exactly the same person face to face as I am on the phone, so maybe he didn't like my body or how I look in person.

Anyway if I take a lesson from this it is to not believe anything before meeting in person, and actually be sceptical of guys who text too much before meeting.

[girlnextdoor2020]

9 hours ago, Watercolors said:

But he didn't do anything wrong with you. He didn't ask you out again which is common with online dating after one date. He doesn't owe you closure after one date.

Did you delete him from your Facebook account or are you two still friends? I didn't see if you deleted him or have kept him on as a FB friend in the hopes he'll come around and ask you out again.

All of this analyzing his actions post-first-date is your anxiety acting out. It's your attempt to create closure for yourself because you made the common mistake of idealizing him before you met him, by texting with him so much prior to your first and only date with him. You built up this picture of him in your mind, from your text message exchanges, as though that created an accurate picture of his personality and values etc. But texting isn't dating.

It's a shame that you felt a connection to him and he didn't reciprocate. You'll never know if his 16 year old daughter had COVID or he had to work. But what you do know is, based on his not asking you out for a second date, he's not interested in pursuing anything more with you. So you need to let it go.

Since you are already moving on to chatting with other men, maybe you should rethink your pre-first-date strategy of getting too emotionally attached via text messages, before you actually meet the guy in person on the first date. And please don't let a complete stranger come to your house to pick you up. That's just a horrible idea. You don't know him, no matter what he texts with you. Always play it safe and drive to the meeting place alone.

He doesn't owe me closure after one date that's true. But if he wasn't interested, just do not contact again, simple. Plenty of guys do that.

Why send messages talking about his daughter being sick!? 

If he didn't contact me at all afterwards I would just think ok I liked him but he wasn't interested so next. And wouldn't even come here and ask this question on this forum.

But the whole thing with his daughter being sick just made me confuse. Is he interested but busy with his daughter? Or is he just an idiot using that as an excuse? 

Now I'm thinking he did it on purpose to keep me hooked and have an excuse to stop contact but be able to come back after a few days if he wants. 

I'm out. And yes you re right about the driving.

Edited October 25, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[d0nnivain]

Holy crap.  

As a happily married woman let me just say that to everybody on the bandwagon of dump him because he posted a FB meme rather than contacting the OP after one date when he daughter was ill I understand why you are all single.   Geesh. 

 It was ONE freaking date.  Just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation to do so.  It take zero brain power to click a share button to post a meme.  It takes effort to be able to talk to the person you went on one date with. 

It being the weekend in a Covid world with other pressures, IMO people take longer to process.  Give the guy a break.  If you can't do that & you demand to be the center of somebody else's world so soon after meeting, you are never going to find a good mate because your expectations are out of whack.  One date does not make someone a priority.  

Patience is part of dating.  You have to make the effort to carve out a place to see where the other person fits in your world.  

I'd be OK with some communication from this guy at any point through this coming Thursday, 1 week after the date.  In the face of the sick child as I said on p. 1 of this thread, I'd reach out on Monday & inquire about her health.  Only after that would I jump to conclusions about how he felt about me.  To be this entitled to his time now IMO guarantees a lifetime of loneliness because your need for attention seems to be the only thing that matters.  

@girlnextdoor2020  You have already worked yourself up into a froth, egged on by well meaning people here & that is your right.  It's your life.  All I'm saying is that understanding goes a long way.  Doesn't make you a push over but IMO you are coming across in this thread as defensive.  

[girlnextdoor2020]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Holy crap.  

As a happily married woman let me just say that to everybody on the bandwagon of dump him because he posted a FB meme rather than contacting the OP after one date when he daughter was ill I understand why you are all single.   Geesh. 

 It was ONE freaking date.  Just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation to do so.  It take zero brain power to click a share button to post a meme.  It takes effort to be able to talk to the person you went on one date with. 

It being the weekend in a Covid world with other pressures, IMO people take longer to process.  Give the guy a break.  If you can't do that & you demand to be the center of somebody else's world so soon after meeting, you are never going to find a good mate because your expectations are out of whack.  One date does not make someone a priority.  

Patience is part of dating.  You have to make the effort to carve out a place to see where the other person fits in your world.  

I'd be OK with some communication from this guy at any point through this coming Thursday, 1 week after the date.  In the face of the sick child as I said on p. 1 of this thread, I'd reach out on Monday & inquire about her health.  Only after that would I jump to conclusions about how he felt about me.  To be this entitled to his time now IMO guarantees a lifetime of loneliness because your need for attention seems to be the only thing that matters.  

@girlnextdoor2020  You have already worked yourself up into a froth, egged on by well meaning people here & that is your right.  It's your life.  All I'm saying is that understanding goes a long way.  Doesn't make you a push over but IMO you are coming across in this thread as defensive.  

Thank you for your insight.

I am not entitled to his time, the reason I came here is because I was confused. Before the first date, he was texting all the time and calling me, and then after the date, nothing.

Is it because his daughter is sick or because he's not interested? That was the question that brough me here. Not that he has an obligation to contact me, but because he went from 100 to 0 after our date. 

Actually it doesn't take that much effort to send a "hi hope you're doing well" message, or something like that. That takes as much effort as posting a meme. 

I feel I need some closure in this, so I've decided that tomorrow I'll send him a message asking how is daughter and him are. And then decide what to do based on his reply. If he doesn't reply or again his reply is short and cold, I'm definitely out.

I believe dating shouldn't be this hard, it should be effortless and things should just flow when they're meant to be.

Edited October 25, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[poppyfields]

@d0nnivainwith respect, the OP isn't feeling "off" about this because of anything any of us wrote here.  She was already feeling confused and off which is why she created this thread.  

I'm wondering if you read the entire thread.  The part about "her" reaching out to him and him essentially blowing her off telling her he's "working"?  

Whereas before they met in person, he often texted/called while working.  

She has not heard from him since. 

To me, that carries more weight than his daughter allegedly being sick, but if you think that indicates interest on his part, so be.  I don't.  Nor do most others.  

And no one advised her to "dump" him, there is nothing there to dump, it was one meet.

We were empathizing with her because she liked him and his actions now (or non-actions) after they met in person have caused confusion and disappointment.

 

 

Edited October 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Beachead]

 

@girlnextdoor2020

I'm with Donnivain based on all I've read here.  

I also don't see any respect for him on your end.  I do however see mistrust, insecurity and selfishness from you.  Consider the fact that this guy did offer up an explanation on Thursday that his daughter may have Covid,  you couldn't even give him until the end of the week?  Instead, you have dismissed it as bullsh*t while expecting him to drop his priorities and put you first, just so you feel validated.  Why?  Because men in the past, hurt you?  What does that have to do with him?

If you are going to date, then it's imperative to give each subsequent person you meet a clean and fair chance to show their quality, despite anything you've been through in the past.  If you are unable to do that (Which evidently you aren't),  then it might mean you are more burned out from dating, than you are aware of and might need to take some time off to sort yourself out.  I'd take a break from dating and address this pain and fear that you are feeling.   You haven't dealt with it and it's there inside, affecting you..and it will affect your future relationships.

I've been on the receiving end with a woman who carried her past into her relationship with me and it was extremely exhausting.   Everything I did or said in that relationship was misinterpreted, because the only thing she should see when she looked at me were the faces of all the people who did her wrong...particularly her ex-boyfriend.   So I was fighting a losing battle.   She had wounds from her past, that she never bothered to address, so they engrained themselves into her way of life, her thinking, her behaviour, her choices..and impacted her present.  Our relationship included.  

I'm not saying he's genuine and I'm not saying he's playing you.   But I am saying, you haven't give him a chance at all.  As of right now, this little something ends, not because of anything he did..but because you got scared and bailed.  

Please consider that with an open mind.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Beachead

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Is it because his daughter is sick or because he's not interested?

He isn't interested.  If he were he'd spend 2 mins to check in with you.  He hasn't because he isn't interested.

 

2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

feel I need some closure in this,

Why? he isn't your boyfriend.  You can only get closure from yourself.  He can't give it to you.  You've only known this guy one week and already you need closure?  Don't tell him this or he will think you are nuts.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Is it because his daughter is sick or because he's not interested?

I feel I need some closure in this, so I've decided that tomorrow I'll send him a message asking how is daughter and him are. And then decide what to do based on his reply. If he doesn't reply or again his reply is short and cold, I'm definitely out.

Sounds like a plan. It's possible the child was sick and he lost interest. The confusion is he used this as an excuse to ghost.

[poppyfields]

@Beach, where did she ever say she expected him to put her first?  I didn't read that, she never said it nor from what I've read, does she feel that way.

She's confused about his interest level, and rightfully so. 

I don't know your dating history but his actions are not that of an interested man. 

Nevermind his daughter possibly having covid, no man who is interested in a woman is going to blow her off after their first face-to-face meet, telling her he's working and then not follow up.  Not gonna happen no matter what he's got going on. 

Especially given how strongly he came on before they met and how he often texted or called while working.   

But now suddenly after they met, he doesn't have two minutes to talk?  Blows her off and doesn't follow up? 

Not quite sure why this fact has escaped you or why this is so difficult for you to understand and empathize with.

Agree he's done nothing wrong.  Perhaps he's ambivalent, fine.  Let him take all the time in the world to figure it out.

Does not mean GND has to like it nor does this obligate her to remain interested.  His actions are confusing and she is entitled to that confusion without being ripped to shreds and accused of being insecure, overly anxious etc.

Empathy mate.

 

 

 

Edited October 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

I think he should have contacted her. Not because of any dating courtesy (although that would have been nice) but because he thought it was possible his daughter had COVID-19. As OP points out, if his daughter had COVID-19, there might be a chance she had been infected too. It's basic humanity in frightening times like this.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think he should have contacted her. Not because of any dating courtesy (although that would have been nice) but because he thought it was possible his daughter had COVID-19. As OP points out, if his daughter had COVID-19, there might be a chance she had been infected too. It's basic humanity in frightening times like this.

Agree, assuming the covid story is true.  

The fact he has not reached out is all the more reason to suspect it was a made up story for the purpose of backing out without looking like a shyt given how strongly he came on before they met. 

OR biding himself some time while he figures out what he wants to do, dates other women, whatever. 

JMO.

 

Edited October 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

OP does sound insecure and overly anxious, though. If I recall correctly,  it’s been one date, he told her his daughter is sick and suggested he would get back to her.  Idk, I feel like in the meantime, the appropriate response would be to move on and keep dating. Not feel slighted that he isn’t putting her first after 1 date. If he’s legit, he’ll come back with a second date when it blows over.

 Maybe he is not behaving like a man who prioritizes romance and is over the moon, so yeah, if she wants a man who will drop everything for a 2nd date because he’s so afraid of losing her etc, that’s fine too(though I’ve dated men like this and it gets old fast). She should move on and date other guys. Not check this one’s social media and contemplate sending a text fishing for affirmation he was telling the truth. As someone who is told by all the time by people on love shack I need therapy,  I’m surprised so many LSers are condoning OP’s behavior. 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

OP does sound insecure and overly anxious, though. If I recall correctly,  it’s been one date, he told her his daughter is sick and suggested he would get back to her.  Idk, I feel like in the meantime, the appropriate response would be to move on and keep dating. Not feel slighted that he isn’t putting her first after 1 date. If he’s legit, he’ll come back with a second date when it blows over.

 Maybe he is not behaving like a man who prioritizes romance and is over the moon, so yeah, if she wants a man who will drop everything for a 2nd date because he’s so afraid of losing her etc, that’s fine too(though I’ve dated men like this and it gets old fast). She should move on and date other guys. Not check this one’s social media and contemplate sending a text fishing for affirmation he was telling the truth. As someone who is told by all the time by people on love shack I need therapy,  I’m surprised so many LSers are condoning OP’s behavior. 

Fair points!  But is she anxious and insecure in general, or has this particular situation caused her anxiety and insecurity?  Given his behavior before and after their first meet?  And that she likes him a lot.

That's for her to decide, I don't know her history.

I didn't read where she expects to be first priority.   Not sure where this comes from.  

She is simply confused about his interest level, again given his behavior before their first meet versus after.

That's my take anyway from what she posted. 

Edited October 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

My view is that he doesn’t haven’t the balls to tell you that he’s not interested. He doesn’t want to ghost you because he doesn’t want to feel like a jerk and he doesn’t want you to think he’s a jerk...

So instead he offers you these excuses. The excuses explain his “lack of interest” so you back off and then he can escape with his conscience clear. 

I don’t know whether he is telling the truth about his daughter but personally I have my doubts. 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Agree, assuming the covid story is true.  

The fact he has not reached out is all the more reason to suspect it was a made up story for the purpose of backing out without looking like a shyt given how strongly he came on before they met. 

OR biding himself some time while he figures out what he wants to do, dates other women, whatever. 

JMO.

 

Yeah... Assuming it's true. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but people have been known to lie. If he actually lied that his daughter was sick, then that's one jerk that OP is better off without. There's something fundamentally wrong with people lying about the health of their loved ones.

@girlnextdoor2020, dealing with the anxiety in these kinds of situations can be hard. I think one way to go is to give the person time to get in touch with you (say, one week or two weeks--whatever you can tolerate). If that time elapses and they're still silent, block and delete. Sometimes taking control back in this way can help you stop feeling so helpless and give you a sense of closure.

Edited October 25, 2020 by Acacia98

[stillafool]

I actually don't understand why OP is so confused.  It's pretty common for men to not get back in touch after a first date if they have no interest.  The same applies to women who aren't interested.  Maybe it would help to not get so attached on just the first date.  It's just a date.

Edited October 25, 2020 by stillafool

[MissPinkEyes]

Sometimes I think most of dating issues (and even relationship issues) would be solved easily if people communicate openly and sincerely.

Instead of waiting for him to contact or wondering what’s going on, or waiting until Monday to send him a message, etc, why not send a message saying exactly how you feel in a calm and secure way?

‘Hi hope you and your daughter are ok? Haven’t heard from you in a while, and it’s ok if you don’t want to continue talking.’

Simple, honest communication. Speaking from the heart.

If he is interested he’ll reply. If he is not, he would say an excuse or don’t even reply and you can just move on because you are not compatible.

In this situation if the guy is not interested he is being avoidant and the OP is being anxious. 

Communicate openly and you change it to a secure attachment style and get things solved.