Versacehottie Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 7 hours ago, Angel29 said: A good friend told me before that I always seem to focus on other people's needs like his needs and the other women's. I don't know why I don't validate my needs, I am important. I think I need to get busy and focus on other things. Usually I would be meeting new people but in my country the pandemic restrictions are tight and even friends don't want to meet up outdoors so it is hard to socially interact at the moment. I would love to know where you find considerate men, I just seem to find the dregs that no-one else wants at these dead end meetup groups. I thought this guy would be different as we met through a course and then one day he said he was a member of meetup and noticed I was too. I thought great, another meetup guy. yes, your friend is right. It totally a part of your cycle. It's not that uncommon and at same time not something you want to get down on yourself for being your current set point or let it continue. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. Yes you need to get busy and focus on other things. if in part because of tight restrictions, lack of creating options and lack of being able to do social things, you are giving this guy (or the other one you've liked for a long time more importance and weight in your life than they warranted). If you had a busy social life, dating life or inner satisfied life, their importance would diminish. As would it if you valued yourself to the point, where you realize that what you are getting from "attaching' like this is detrimental to your confidence, future real prospects and just not worth it to you. You can't want a relationship so much that you are willing to try anything virtually to have it. Like you might think i'm exaggerating but if you really want to get rid of him it's very very simple. From what you say want, you 1/2 want to get rid of him and he's not adding anything to your life, so DO IT. I repeat you are the most important person in your life. You need to take the situation at hand: lots of restrictions and fall/winter time an turn it into an opportunity. You can spend all this time mentally preparing yourself and learning and practicing self-esteem so you are READY when things open up. Part of your self-esteem journey will take place in everyday interactions and some in dating or friend or family interactions. But first you need to arm yourself with tools. I'd say you should find some self-help books and study up. Look for ones with good examples to make it clear and so you can get the point fast and gives you examples of ways to practice. Even your statement of wanting to know where to find considerate men is a red flag to me that you are still not getting it--and will look for external validation. Sure on one level finding the person who loves you the same as you love them is an external pursuit. BUT, he's not necessarily in a different place than you've been looking. If you start treating yourself differently because you have self-esteem, other people will too. "He" can be right where you are already, where you've already looked but you need to change. By giving yourself VALUE, you force other people to recognize it. I think it's on a scale or a spectrum because if you are with someone with also healthy self esteem they will advocate for their own wants and needs too so it's a process of negotiation and compromise, but you need that CORE valuation to be working to enter into a a healthy, productive relationship and then these compromises are typically healthy and fair. Anyway, that's a ways off so take it a step at a time. You can model your behavior on some of the women you know who you find have good "luck" with guys or always seem to get their way or breeze through life. Still keep you the same but operate differently in your interactions a bit. Deep down you have things that are important to you---you are just going about it all wrong. You throw yourself at people's feet hoping to eventually get what you want. Try the reverse. Try being steadfast about what you want and require as standards as stop gates of progressing into a relationship (of any sort) with you. They don't make the cut, they don't gain entrance. It really is a waste of your time to let them enter your headspace because you get super attached even when they are ALREADY not giving you what you want (a dating relationship, bringing good things into your life). Keep working on it. Stop just hoping and dreaming that if a guy loved you or chose you for a relationship that it would solve this "problem" of yours. Then your worth would be tied to some guy and very fragile and perhaps even more desperate. I keep saying this but your worth is something you give yourself and you can test it through interactions. Even ones that don't go as you hoped are an opportunity to RE-ASSERT your worth. Like in this situation with this guy, walking away simply (and not responding to future contact from him) is THE perfect way to assert your value, teach yourself you matter and practice this concept.
Noproblem Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Angel 29, still with this guy?! I seriously met a guy, had an LTR, was engaged, and broke up and came back here and you’re still obsessed with this guy. He’s not a match. He sounds like a jerk tbh. don’t acknowledge him anymore. Stop looking at him, stop following what he’s up to. I think you should cut him cold turkey out of your life and move on it's not an on/off switch Not all of us can change people like pairs of shoes. she'll get over him when she gets over him.. or maybe she never will! Edited October 25, 2020 by Noproblem
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 11 hours ago, Angel29 said: My friend also gets this message on her profile. He would not know I looked him up I was in invisible mode and chose the option that user cannot see you have looked at their profile. Ok, just delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. It's that simple. He's Just Not That Into You.
Miss Spider Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 You say it like being obsessed for a year is completely acceptable 3
Author Angel29 Posted November 2, 2020 Author Posted November 2, 2020 I have tried to be friends with him but it's not going to work. I’m not happy still. He messaged me last night to sign a petition he created. It was a very negative petition about the Brexit and the economic crisis from covid. I don’t get involved with negative people who let politics affect them. I sent him a light hearted message back and he read it and didn’t bother to reply. I know he is stubborn and him being negative he probably wanted me to join in the negative talk too which I refuse. He even said he gets into ‘debates’ with people on the Prime Minister’s Facebook page. Again, he will not accept or respect others views. He claims he struggles for time to do his teaching course yet is happy to waste time with political issues he cannot change. I want someone who is positive and goal focused, not a procrastinator. I had heard of Obsessive Love a few years ago and this summer I bought books called Obsessive Love by Susan Forward and Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody. I have yet to read them as I have a lot of assignments to do with my course but I know I need to tackle this problem and make time to read them. I just can't understand why some people love to dwell in negativity. I am a happy person but he drags me down.
stillafool Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 2 minutes ago, Angel29 said: I am a happy person but he drags me down. Then block him already. Is there anyone else you're involved with so you don't have time to obsess over this guy? 1 1
stillafool Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 On 10/24/2020 at 10:36 AM, Angel29 said: I feel sadness and disappointment because we have a lot in common but he is negative and look elsewhere for dates. I wish things were different but need to face the reality. He is a let down. When are you going to accept this and move on? 1
Miss Spider Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 You’re clearly not going to listen to any of the advice given here, so fully recognizing the futility, I will say once more.,,, he is never going to be what you want him to be. You are just going to continue to be upset about it. Block and delete him from your life. 2
stillafool Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 57 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: he is never going to be what you want him to be. I think what you are wanting is for him to want you the way you want him. That is never going to happen and it's time that you accept this and move on so you can find someone else. 1 1
LynneVicious Posted November 3, 2020 Posted November 3, 2020 (edited) Angel, You wrote this on October 31, 2017: ”I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? “ 3 years ago, you knew you wasted your time and knew he wasn’t into you. In those 3 years, you clearly haven’t rebuilt your life and are still wasting your time... 3 years later. Sadly, you’re going to continue to waste your time unless you finally pull the plug and realize that he doesn’t like you. You’re worth more than obsessing over someone for years while you stay stuck, unable to move on. Its so very unhealthy - can’t you see that? At this point, you do need professional help from a therapist I think. You have an obsession and it’s taken over your life for years. I really hope you wake up tomorrow ready to put an end to this. Edit: Angel, you first posted about this guy in October of 2013. 7 years ago! I hope you actually listen to the advice here on the forum and get help in letting go and moving on. Edited November 3, 2020 by LynneVicious 1
Author Angel29 Posted November 3, 2020 Author Posted November 3, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, LynneVicious said: Angel, You wrote this on October 31, 2017 It probably isn’t a good idea to go back searching old threads as that was about someone else and I only met this guy in September 2019. Bringing up an ex on a new thread won’t help. Edited November 3, 2020 by Angel29
LynneVicious Posted November 3, 2020 Posted November 3, 2020 8 hours ago, Angel29 said: It probably isn’t a good idea to go back searching old threads as that was about someone else and I only met this guy in September 2019. Bringing up an ex on a new thread won’t help. My apologies. If that’s the case, my advice still stands. You’ve been ‘friendly’ with him for 9 months and it’s gone nowhere. And yes, sometimes revisiting past threads is eye opening because it can show a pattern. You have a pattern of being fixated on a guy and not being able to move forward. Before you get into another state of fixation, you need to cut the cord now. Instead of wasting time, you need to recognize when a connection is not happening. I’d hate to see you stuck on one man that isn’t going anywhere when you could be moving forward and finding the right man. 1
Crazelnut Posted November 3, 2020 Posted November 3, 2020 You ask how to get rid of him, then turn around and send him a light little response to his petition request! Are you a glutton for punishment? You should've just ignored his stupid email and gotten on with your life. This isn't difficult. 2
balletomane Posted November 3, 2020 Posted November 3, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, Angel29 said: I just can't understand why some people love to dwell in negativity. I am a happy person but he drags me down. Your threads are overwhelmingly negative. Obsessing about men who aren't interested in you, hanging around hoping that they will change their minds and alter any aspects of their character that you dislike, and then writing long posts about your dissatisfaction isn't the behaviour of a happy person. Your past threads are relevant here, because this seems to be a pattern with you - you get fixated on a man and then declare he's let you down. You need to break the pattern. Edited November 3, 2020 by balletomane 2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 3, 2020 Posted November 3, 2020 23 hours ago, Angel29 said: He messaged me last night to sign a petition he created. It was a very negative petition about the Brexit and the economic crisis from covid. I don’t get involved with negative people who let politics affect them. I sent him a light hearted message back and he read it and didn’t bother to reply. If you genuinely want to get rid of him, why did you reply at all? Ignore people you want to get rid of.
Wiseman2 Posted November 3, 2020 Posted November 3, 2020 48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: If you genuinely want to get rid of him, why did you reply at all? Ignore people you want to get rid of. Some people have issues with throwing trash away, however it usually refers to hoarders. 1
stillafool Posted November 3, 2020 Posted November 3, 2020 13 hours ago, Angel29 said: It probably isn’t a good idea to go back searching old threads as that was about someone else and I only met this guy in September 2019. Bringing up an ex on a new thread won’t help. At least that post let you know that this is a pattern with you. 1 1
Author Angel29 Posted November 4, 2020 Author Posted November 4, 2020 7 hours ago, LynneVicious said: My apologies. If that’s the case, my advice still stands. You’ve been ‘friendly’ with him for 9 months and it’s gone nowhere. And yes, sometimes revisiting past threads is eye opening because it can show a pattern. You have a pattern of being fixated on a guy and not being able to move forward. Before you get into another state of fixation, you need to cut the cord now. Instead of wasting time, you need to recognize when a connection is not happening. I’d hate to see you stuck on one man that isn’t going anywhere when you could be moving forward and finding the right man. Thanks, this is helpful. I just feel lockdown restrictions are making things worse and that usually I would be out meeting new people. I know I need to break the pattern and find happiness within myself. I just don't like men who are timewasters and need to be more alert when it happens.
Versacehottie Posted November 4, 2020 Posted November 4, 2020 (edited) On 11/2/2020 at 12:43 PM, Angel29 said: I just can't understand why some people love to dwell in negativity. I am a happy person but he drags me down. I think people are being a little harsh in tone with you but I don't necessarily think they are wrong. It has been a pattern. This is a "new" guy but it wasn't that long ago that you were fixated for a few years if I have the dates right on someone where it was really clear right away that it was going nowhere. And this one is similar and if you don't like him, no big deal since you are not actually dating him. There is no obligation. Dating is optional not compulsory. To your point above, perhaps you are not negative (debatable) but you are nearly the queen of DWELLING (said with love) in general. The best thing you could do for yourself is to learn how to move on Edited November 4, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
LynneVicious Posted November 4, 2020 Posted November 4, 2020 12 hours ago, Angel29 said: Thanks, this is helpful. I just feel lockdown restrictions are making things worse and that usually I would be out meeting new people. I know I need to break the pattern and find happiness within myself. I just don't like men who are timewasters and need to be more alert when it happens. I know the lockdown restrictions stink, but do t let that sway you into thinking you have to settle on someone who hasn’t shown any real interest. The lockdowns will eventually end. But dating won’t. Concentrate on picking up cues from men that are wasting your time and immediately move forward. You’ll always know when a man is into you. You won’t have to guess. If you’re guessing, then he’s just not that into you. Until then, keep dating and find someone that shows they’re head over heels for you! 1
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