Angel29 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 I have known a guy for a year but we only started getting friendly 9 months ago through our course. In March we had been messaging and he decided to ignore a personal message of mine and another message because he couldn't deal with it so I blocked him. I finally saw him in June as college reopened as I had to submit my final assignments, he tried to speak to me but I kept if brief and went home. I could tell he wanted to talk more when were at college so I unblocked him and he got in touch a month later. We met up and went for a few walks and got on really well. The thing is he is using me and I need him gone out of my life. I have not seen him in person now for 6 weeks so that has tailed off. He always contacts me, I don't contact him. He will send me a negative message me and then afterwards he goes onto the Plenty of Fish dating website. I'm not on the site but my friends have shown me his active profile. I feel like I am being used as emotional support as he always dumps his negative baggage on me expecting sympathy. He never has anything positive to say, even if something is going well in his life. I need him gone as I feel he is taking time away from me from finding the right guy. If these women on the dating site as so wonderful why does he not tell them all about his problems. Even his dating profile is negative. I need to cut my losses for the sake of my own mental health. I don't want to waste anymore time on him as I did this with previous men I was interested in and it never ended well just disrespect from them and wasted time. I am currently on the second year of my course, he isn't as he joined another course so I know I should really be dedicating time and effort into this. I don't know how to set boundaries, I need to stop people pleasing. Please can I have some advice?
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Is this a professor or fellow student? How is he"using you"?. Why haven't you permanently deleted and blocked him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps? Stalking him on dating sites and social media will not help you get over him. 2
Mystery4u Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 You blocked him once before.. do it again? Sorted. 5
Versacehottie Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Idk, you are giving some conflicting messages about what you want. I think if you are clear that you want him out of your life that is EASY to do. Don't respond to him, don't talk to him (which is slightly harder to do in person) and certainly don't worry about what he is doing on dating sites....that's completely contradictory to you thought process that you want him out of your life. If you don't feel strong enough to manage it on your own, block him. For following just this thread and what I feel like I've read from you, not sure that this will really work for you though. Because you basically want a response to see how blocking him has affected him, so IMO that's not the only way or best way to deal with it. Anyway, you need to do something--this is 100% in your control. Listen if you feel disrespected that he dumps his problems on you and is a negative person, why don't you just credit yourself for being astute about what sort of person he is and the forethought to not want him in your life as a romantic partner or even a friend. You can't really have gathered that information and concurrently be pissed that he isn't a positive person and treating you better or give a sh*t that he's out there trying to date. You need to be grateful that he's not your problem. Vs. butt hurt that he's a sh*tty person who also doesn't want you. Who cares? The self esteem you need you give yourself. This is a perfect opportunity. Not caring about what someone does that you've already deemed not suitable to be in your life or make you happy is a good step in that direction. You, right now, are putting him and what he does as almost more important that what you want and do. It does indicate a lower self-esteem. (sorry). This is why you keep getting stuck in these cycles. You have to value yourself higher than those outside of you. And know that you are rarely powerless---certainly not in this situation. Good luck
Ruby Slippers Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Block and delete. Permanently. Simple. 2
smackie9 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) You say he's negative, and emotionally dumps on you but yet you were upset that he's not really interested in dating you . You are sending us mixed messages! What do you really want help with? Don't like someone? Just tell them it's over and to stop contacting you. That's pretty easy. Are you looking for a solution to make him more interested and treat whatever you two have better?? So what if he's on a dating site, that doesn't make you any less of a person. This guy is not much of a catch by the sounds of it, so be glad he's not interested. Edited October 24, 2020 by smackie9 2
Author Angel29 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 22 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You say he's negative, and emotionally dumps on you but yet you were upset that he's not really interested in dating you . You are sending us mixed messages! What do you really want help with? I feel sadness and disappointment because we have a lot in common but he is negative and look elsewhere for dates. I wish things were different but need to face the reality. He is a let down.
Fletch Lives Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Block him again. Start dating others and otherwise get too busy for him.
Miss Spider Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) Angel 29, still with this guy?! I seriously met a guy, had an LTR, was engaged, and broke up and came back here and you’re still obsessed with this guy. He’s not a match. He sounds like a jerk tbh. don’t acknowledge him anymore. Stop looking at him, stop following what he’s up to. I think you should cut him cold turkey out of your life and move on Edited October 24, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 3
Versacehottie Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 2 hours ago, Angel29 said: I feel sadness and disappointment because we have a lot in common but he is negative and look elsewhere for dates. I wish things were different but need to face the reality. He is a let down. Ok credit for noticing that this is a consistent thing that comes up with you: the people pleasing, etc. Actually I would go more into the etc. The people pleasing isn't much of a thing here since unless you are bumping into him and feel weird brushing him off, the rest is easy--don't contact, don't respond to his contact--there's no people pleasing involved with that. So i think the bigger problem and the real theme is that you need to work on your self-esteem. Why are you chasing after or hooked on guys that either don't like you in return and that you deem substandard anyway? That's a problem. You have to think better of yourself and I think it will erase some of the same cycles you keep finding yourself in. Who cares if you have a lot in common! Unless it is the most unique hobby in the world (which I'd bet it isn't), you will find lots of people with similar interests or the propensity to enjoy what you enjoy and vice versa. You might even fall in love with someone very different than you--without a LOT in common. The point is you have to value yourself highly enough. Put the work in to increase your self-esteem and confidence. Listen, if a girl with self-esteem thinks that a guy is negative and not that great, and most importantly if he's not into her as well, then she knows she HAS other options and moves onto them. Even if she doesn't know exactly who they are she knows they will come. don't hang onto a guy in ANY way just because he once showed a slight interest and threw you a tiny breadcrumb months (or years, thinking of your other threads!) ago. Good luck! 1
stillafool Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 If you knew 7 hours ago, Angel29 said: If these women on the dating site as so wonderful why does he not tell them all about his problems. Probably because they are not in the friendzone which is where he has put you. 7 hours ago, Angel29 said: In March we had been messaging and he decided to ignore a personal message of mine and another message because he couldn't deal with it so I blocked him. Why didn't you leave him blocked? What was it about your message that you felt he couldn't deal with? 1
Author Angel29 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 36 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Angel 29, still with this guy?! I seriously met a guy, had an LTR, was engaged, and broke up and came back here and you’re still obsessed with this guy. He’s not a match. He sounds like a jerk tbh. don’t acknowledge him anymore. Stop looking at him, stop following what he’s up to. I think you should cut him cold turkey out of your life and move on This guy I have only spoke about this year, not someone from years ago.
Author Angel29 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 23 minutes ago, stillafool said: If you knew Probably because they are not in the friendzone which is where he has put you. Why didn't you leave him blocked? What was it about your message that you felt he couldn't deal with? I unblocked him as it was clear he wanted to be friends still. At the time I was talking in my message about how badly I was affected by a virus 2 years ago which I did go into detail. I didn't know he is an extremely anxious person and I sent this at the start of the covid pandemic so that really stressed him out to hear about my virus as at the time people were uncertain about covid but now know more. So I can understand why he behaved the way he did and he did apologise for that.
Versacehottie Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 To me, all this ^^^ above where you speak of the reason for blocking, unblocking and worrying about what he CAN and CANNOT deal with, doesn't deal with the bigger issue and the only one that matters: if he's not into you for dating, don't hang on. Or read way into little messages and details and put your own whole spin on things. This is definitely one time where the statement "if he liked you you'd hear from him" applies. Stop doing all the work, all the worrying about a potential relationship with a guy--that is a huge part of why they aren't valuing you enough. You act desperate--then you will be their shoulder to cry on, hear all their complaints and then they will be bolstered up and in a better headspace with ego puffed up to put themselves out there for dating others. If you don't treat yourself like a prize, with limited access, why would a guy? And that is exactly what you need to do to start mattering to these people (start from scratch btw; patterns develop so both of these guys that you've spoken about are finito is my guess).
MsJayne Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 The way to stop being a people pleaser is to stop caring what other people think of you, especially people who don't care about your feelings or what you think. Don't block this guy, just don't answer his messages, ever again. This sends a strong message back to him without a word being spoken. Doing this will redress the balance of the relationship so you can take back a bit of power - ie; you're the one making the decision to cease contact. He sounds like a drain, and people like that often look for people like you, people who will quietly tolerate their negativity and let them suck the happiness right out of you, and once you have no happiness left they'll tell you how negative you are and then dump you to move on to their next victim. No surprise he's on Plenty Of Fish, that site should be called Plenty Of Creeps.
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 7 hours ago, Angel29 said: I feel sadness and disappointment because we have a lot in common but he is negative and look elsewhere for dates. I wish things were different but need to face the reality. He is a let down. Do you mean "how do i get rid of him?" in your mind/feelings or in reality?
Author Angel29 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 @Versacehottie I know you’re right to stop being the shoulder to cry on. Otherwise other women will benefit from it. @Wiseman2 I wanted to get rid of him out my life but I know I would miss him. What was strange was I went to look at his POF profile today, obviously I still had feelings for him. The strange thing was a message came up and said “this profile no longer exists”. So he has deleted his profile. He must think it is a dire site. I know I have moaned about him but he must think low of himself to have even joined in the first place. I know I still need to protect my feelings.
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Angel29 said: What was strange was I went to look at his POF profile today, obviously I still had feelings for him. The strange thing was a message came up and said “this profile no longer exists”. It means he noticed you stalking him and blocked you. 'Profile no longer exits' means blocked. You need to do the same. Delete and block him from all social media and all messaging apps. Edited October 24, 2020 by Wiseman2
Versacehottie Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 20 minutes ago, Angel29 said: @Versacehottie I know you’re right to stop being the shoulder to cry on. Otherwise other women will benefit from it. Ok, can I help you? Your statement shows that you are concentrating a) on people that are NOT you, ie him and other women b) what his future prospects are, ie who will get him. You need to SHIFT your mindset. Stop being a shoulder to cry on because it is a waste of your time. You aren't getting what you want from him; it chips away at your self esteem and keeps you stuck and hooked on someone not worthy of being hooked on. You can fake it until you make it. We are telling you what to do. You can do life two ways: you can wait until your feelings direct your actions or you can take action and your feelings will evolve. When one is less feasible than the other, do the other method. For example, right now you keep waiting for your feelings to change (to feel like a stronger person, to feel fuifilled, to get new energy to invest in different guys)--since that is not working you would benefit by just DOING what needs to be done/what someone who HAS different feelings would DO and your feelings should shift. In other words, start taking the actions of someone with a backbone, with self-esteem, not a people pleaser, who puts herself first and you will start HAVING THE EXPERIENCE of a person like this and your feelings should follow. Nothing is a perfect or 100% total solution (ie your feelings that hold you back will probably still creep in at first or you won't feel like you are making progress) but you are not going to get anywhere by doing the same and expecting different outcomes. 1
Author Angel29 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It means he noticed you stalking him and blocked you. 'Profile no longer exits' means blocked. You need to do the same. Delete and block him from all social media and all messaging apps. My friend also gets this message on her profile. He would not know I looked him up I was in invisible mode and chose the option that user cannot see you have looked at their profile.
Author Angel29 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Your statement shows that you are concentrating a) on people that are NOT you, ie him and other women A good friend told me before that I always seem to focus on other people's needs like his needs and the other women's. I don't know why I don't validate my needs, I am important. I think I need to get busy and focus on other things. Usually I would be meeting new people but in my country the pandemic restrictions are tight and even friends don't want to meet up outdoors so it is hard to socially interact at the moment. I would love to know where you find considerate men, I just seem to find the dregs that no-one else wants at these dead end meetup groups. I thought this guy would be different as we met through a course and then one day he said he was a member of meetup and noticed I was too. I thought great, another meetup guy.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Tell him you want help with bill payments. That will get rid of him. 3
ShyViolet Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 Send him a very blunt text telling him that you can no longer be friends or see him anymore. DON'T be "nice" about it or afraid of his reaction. That will seal the deal..... if you do happen to run into him in person, you won't get sucked into a conversation or anything. He'll already know to leave you alone. Then after that, block him.
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 12 hours ago, Angel29 said: I unblocked him as it was clear he wanted to be friends still. At the time I was talking in my message about how badly I was affected by a virus 2 years ago which I did go into detail. I didn't know he is an extremely anxious person and I sent this at the start of the covid pandemic so that really stressed him out to hear about my virus as at the time people were uncertain about covid but now know more. So I can understand why he behaved the way he did and he did apologise for that. You're hurting him more by giving him hope.
Recommended Posts