Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment?

[Trail Blazer]

3 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I agree with you. However I consider myself to be very attractive as well (not to sound egotistical - I am in shape, good face, self employed, nice, respectful, so I consider myself to be a good catch and I still get treated like this by guys) so I am not dating men who are more attractive than me, I am dating men who are considered on my level in terms of looks. They still dont commit to me most of the time, and for men who are attractive they dont just date women like me, they date women who can be considered average looking if she has an above average personality or bigger "assets" if you catch my drift. So they seem to have a bigger pool regardless.

It just feels impossible for me to find a good guy that wants to commit today. Its like every date you go on, you find yourself in a Miss Universe Pageant competing against 10 other girls and you arent even sure if the prize is worth it because hes testing you probably more than you're testing him. 

Being physically attractive as well as being self-employed (being able to support yourself) definitely reads well on paper.  You would undoubtedly experience very few difficulties receiving matches on OLD platforms.

So, we can establish that receiving attentions from guys you find attractive is not a problem for you.  Nor is actually being able to get them to go the next step and meet up with you in person via a date.

It's once you've gone on your date, or two, where things start to break down.  You are seemingly struggling to find a guy who wishes to commit to you after a short period of time.

When things don't go as planned in life, we need to take a step back, remove emotion from the equation and conduct a root cause analysis.  It's the only way we can hope to identify what went wrong and from there and implement strategies to rectify these failings.

Posting on here will provide you with a myriad anecdotal examples of similar experiences or advice which may or may not be useful to your situation.  They make for interesting reading, but sometimes a lot of conflicting opinions can actually leave us more confused than before.

What I recommmend you do is to take a step back and try to unserstand what it is that most men are looking for on OLD.  Take emotion out of the equation.  Ask and listen to what men want, and don't get upset or frustrated when you realize that it's quite often not what you think.

Once you've established what most men want, use that information to then assess what you will change about your dating strategies and expectations moving forward.

You may well find that most of what men want is not conducive to what you are willing to compromise on.  Or, you might find the clarity of better understanding the male frame (thanks @poppyfields) may be very useful to you moving forward.

I certainly would not advocate for you to do things which make you uncomfortable or go against your values.  However, when faced with choices, it's better to understand the choices we have as opppsed to having very little clarity and remaining in a constant state of confusion.

With that being said, do you believe that the guys you're matching with are genuinely not wanting relationships?  Or, are they just not wanting a relationship with you?

I don't want to sound awful or mean or putting you down with anything I'm saying, let me just make that part clear.  However, when faced with the harsh reality, we can either embrace that harsh reality and use it to change and better ourselves, or we can stick our head in the sand and blame everyone else for our own problems/failings.

Put simply, if the guys you're choosing are tricking/using you for sex, then you have to re-evaluate your choices.  Sure, you cannot help who you're attracted to, but you need to accept that if your choices in men are continuously proving to be poor in the sense that their wants and needs don't align with yours, something must change. 

Change can only happen at your end.  You can't blame guys for what they want.  I'm not saying their behavior is acceptable, especially if they're using deception to achieve it.  But what I am saying is that it's not always black and white, either.

Prior to meeting my girlfriend, I was using dating apps with no specific direction.  Was I looking for a relationship?  No, not actively pursuing one, but if I was asked what I wanted?  I would always say that I was open to a relationship with the right person but I'm in no rush to get into anything.

I am sure a lot of guys out there just tell women what they want to hear.  Having said that, high value men shouldn't feel the need to do that because they have enough options where they can usually get what they want just by being straight-up with their wants and needs.

Using myself as an example, I had many instances where women who were actively looking for a relationship would tell me that they wanted a guy who was more certain about what he wanted and that our wants to align.  That's fine, I respected that and they respected my honesty.  I had no reason to not be honest (despite the fact that it's in my nature anyway) because there were plenty of other women I was chatting to who were happy casually dating and seeing where things go.

I believe that what most men want, even guys actively looking for a relationship, is a girl who's fun, laid-back and doesn't take herself or her needs so seriously.  Men also want someone who doesn't just turn up to a date and expect to be treated like a princess.  It's not a man's job to make all the effort.

I don't know what your expectations are of a first date.  Do you expect to be wined and dined?  Do you feel it's a guys job to go all-out to mak you feel special?  Do you feel that your self-proclaimed qualities entitles you to treatment which most girls shouldn't have afforded to them because they are of lesser quality?

Once again, I'll reiterate that I'm not asking theae questions to put you down.  I'm trying to thought provoke.  Because what matters is other's perception of you if the things you are doing are constantly failing.

I can tell you now (not bragging myself) that I've gone on dates with many attractive women.  I couldn't really care less about the fact that the woman sitting across from me is actually attractive, because if she wasn't I wouldn't even be there.  

I've had women who think they're something special when I've dated women more beautiful than them.  That vanity was so transparent.  It wasn't attractive at all.  However, one particular date I had, I knew that her entitlement was sky-high and that she'd be certain she'd have me.  I could tell she was the kind of woman who was used to getting her own way.  I found her off-putting.  But hey, she was cute, incredibly fit and had a decent job.

Let me make it clear; for guys who have options, yes, you are competing against other women.  There is no way around that.  It's just a fact.  You cannot blame guys when a lot of women are competing for their attention, can you?

Needless to say, the girl who "won out" in terms of getting me to commit to her, was the one who was funny, laid-back, didn't take herself too seriously and wasn't putting on any pressure to commit.  Yes, she was hot, had a very good career (propsects) and had sex with me on our second date.  It wasn't the sex which got it over the line, though.  It was the... everything. 

Just finally, whilst you can't for a seconf try to be everything to everyone, as long as you find that one person you're everything to, that's all that matters.  I understand that you're on that path, looking, hoping.  But it's important to understand men and what men want, how they think as best as you can in order to increase your chances of this happening.

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I am not dating men who are more attractive than me, I am dating men who are considered on my level in terms of looks.

So attractiveness isn’t defined solely by looks. It’s defined by options. So it’s likely that despite these men being “on your level” in looks, they have more and better options than you. But also, even if you are legitimately equal, it’s likely they’re holding out for someone that’s more attractive than themselves! 

[CalipsoRose]

Trail Blazer...no, I absolutely do not think that I need to be treated like a princess on a first date just because I look good. I AM down to earth and laid back and fun and laugh a lot and dont take myself too seriously on dates. As far as "are you sure they want a relationship but not one with you?" Let me use my last relationship as the example for the kind of hell I have been enduring. We meet, have great dates for a month, see each other all the time - he is the one blowing my phone up with love letter texts, love bombing me, etc. Looking back, yes this can be seen as a definite red flag. But I reciprocated it because I felt the same way. We both agree to be bf and gf.

We got into one fight because he would read my text and not reply for 7+ hours a day which was a huge change from his previous behavior and started acting cold. Red flags (I later found out this is when he started talking to another woman that he met OLD which is why he suddenly seemed distant) so he started picking fights with me, talking down to me, even started criticising my clothing choices wheras before he said he loved what I wore, things like this. He then tells me, on second thought, "I dont want to be in this relationship because its too soon and Im too broken from my past relationships and want to take this slower, can we be friends but continue to cuddle and kiss and do everything else?" 

This is after he spent weeks telling me that he was falling in love with me, kissing me passionately, spending all day cuddling in bed together, kissing my forehead even washing my feet in the shower I MEAN HE WENT ALL OUT in terms of the "you're amazing I'm in love with you, lets get a house together in the future" thing, ok. SO no, I was not imagining this or reading too much into this. This all stopped when he started talking to this other girl on the dating app and started seeing her and demoted me to just friends. I walked away when he did this because I had no choice, I wasnt going to continue seeing him after that. And yes, he then told me to my face that he was starting to see someone else so I had confirmation of that. 

This is all to answer your question of, "Does he not want a relationship, or just not one with you?" I cannot get into his head, but he told me he just didnt want to be in a relationship at all. He obviously wanted to sleep with her and probably casually date others too. I cant speak for what other men really wanted with me since I cannot crawl into their minds either. But I do NOT think that this is all my fault, I dont have some horrible character flaw that sends men running for the hills after a few short weeks of getting to know me. I dont think my head is in the sand either. I think I am quite self aware. 

Funny, because he actually told me once we became official, "You win the award" he was speaking about himself as being the award. 

I do think I am worthy...I think its these guys I've dated who aren't worthy looking back on it because to be quite honest they treated me like crap and I have never been treated like a "queen" or even remotely suggested he HAS to treat me like one. I am not stuck up. I think they "have" me, get bored because the chase is over, lay in bed one night wondering who else is on the site, log back in, and boom - its the kiss of death.

[Trail Blazer]

@CalipsoRose

"Your last relationship" which was actually one month of dating?  I've read this correct, yes?

So, this clown lovebombed you, sold you everything you wanted to hear and then used you for (presumably) sex before dumping you for someone else on the swipey apps.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.  It's not uncommon and is quite symptomatic of guys who have plenty of options, but do get off on "the thrill of the chase."

There's a reason why that sort of behavior is considered to be a red flag (yes you admitted this), because it's often turns out to be emotionally manipulating women for a male's instant but temporary satisfaction.

There isn't really a lot you can do here, other than to learn from the situation and not buy into all of the empty promises so quickly.  You need a lot more than one month to consider the arrangement you were in as anything more than dating.

Higher status guys with lots of options get bored.  Guys with fewer options appreciate what they have more due to the scarcity of which they find themselves with someone they perceieve to be at their level or higher.

It comes back down to the guys you're dating having many options, with you being just one.  It's not a personal slight on you, as these guys would undoubtedly use many girls for their own gratification.  A player is simply going to play.

What I'm seeing here is that you're simply being too picky.  One in fifty guys gets a swipe right from you?  Two percent of the entire dating pool of candidates are worthy of your attention, with the rest not piquing so much as a glimmer of interest?  Would you say this is a reasonable observation to make?

Please, explain what is the determining factor in whether you will swipe right?  Do you look for a bio?  Or is it purely about his photos?  

[CalipsoRose]

It is honestly a cut and dry answer of "Am I attracted to this person or not?" and I have found that I am not attracted to a lot of men (yes I'm straight, obviously). I cant go on a date with someone I am NOT attracted to, this is just not possible for me. If I have zero attraction towards someone, I am not going to want to sleep with them or kiss them or hold hands or waste my time or anything - this is not something I can flip on and off like a light switch. Yes I look at their dating profile and if I find him attractive but theres something in his profile that is a massive turn off then I swipe no.

This may make me picky but what is the alternative??? To date someone I DONT LIKE? This is not me "turning down nice guys just because they dont have a six pack" uh hell no. This is me having simple basic attraction to someone or not. Yes I have gone on dates with guys I wasnt attracted to in the past, were they any nicer? No. Did I somehow develop more attraction to them as the date progressed? No. & I am not dating male models, they are just regular guys who happen to subjectively be attractive to me. Yes I am obviously taking their profile into consideration. I am not shallow. 

These guys are not Brad Pitt. They are not rich or have high status jobs. Or anything of the sort. They are regular guys my age who are not hideous and dont sound like a serial killer in their About Me.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said:

Trail Blazer...no, I absolutely do not think that I need to be treated like a princess on a first date just because I look good. I AM down to earth and laid back and fun and laugh a lot and dont take myself too seriously on dates. As far as "are you sure they want a relationship but not one with you?" Let me use my last relationship as the example for the kind of hell I have been enduring. We meet, have great dates for a month, see each other all the time - he is the one blowing my phone up with love letter texts, love bombing me, etc. Looking back, yes this can be seen as a definite red flag. But I reciprocated it because I felt the same way. We both agree to be bf and gf.

We got into one fight because he would read my text and not reply for 7+ hours a day which was a huge change from his previous behavior and started acting cold. Red flags (I later found out this is when he started talking to another woman that he met OLD which is why he suddenly seemed distant) so he started picking fights with me, talking down to me, even started criticising my clothing choices wheras before he said he loved what I wore, things like this. He then tells me, on second thought, "I dont want to be in this relationship because its too soon and Im too broken from my past relationships and want to take this slower, can we be friends but continue to cuddle and kiss and do everything else?" 

This is after he spent weeks telling me that he was falling in love with me, kissing me passionately, spending all day cuddling in bed together, kissing my forehead even washing my feet in the shower I MEAN HE WENT ALL OUT in terms of the "you're amazing I'm in love with you, lets get a house together in the future" thing, ok. SO no, I was not imagining this or reading too much into this. This all stopped when he started talking to this other girl on the dating app and started seeing her and demoted me to just friends. I walked away when he did this because I had no choice, I wasnt going to continue seeing him after that. And yes, he then told me to my face that he was starting to see someone else so I had confirmation of that. 

This is all to answer your question of, "Does he not want a relationship, or just not one with you?" I cannot get into his head, but he told me he just didnt want to be in a relationship at all. He obviously wanted to sleep with her and probably casually date others too. I cant speak for what other men really wanted with me since I cannot crawl into their minds either. But I do NOT think that this is all my fault, I dont have some horrible character flaw that sends men running for the hills after a few short weeks of getting to know me. I dont think my head is in the sand either. I think I am quite self aware. 

Funny, because he actually told me once we became official, "You win the award" he was speaking about himself as being the award. 

I do think I am worthy...I think its these guys I've dated who aren't worthy looking back on it because to be quite honest they treated me like crap and I have never been treated like a "queen" or even remotely suggested he HAS to treat me like one. I am not stuck up. I think they "have" me, get bored because the chase is over, lay in bed one night wondering who else is on the site, log back in, and boom - its the kiss of death.

You're right. You ARE worthy!

He isn't an award. Someone else showed interest in him, he was surprised and pleased. Just sort of a psychology thing there.

The likely scenario is that he did find someone he liked better - it happens. But not necessarily because he had dozens of options. The reality is: this is not a case of cheating. He told you he met this girl, and he told you he was leaving. He didn't keep it a secret.

This does happen in dating.

I wonder whether he was excited by two girls liking him at the same time, it may have been the first time ever for all you know, and he went for the newness. It would be interesting to hear if later on he came back. I wonder. That wouldn't be unusual - you hear about it all the time. Somebody new comes along, there is a breakup, the new thing fizzles, the ex is suddenly in contact again. Just a feeling...keep us posted.

Let me ask you a quick question. Have you ever done the breaking up? Or is it always the guy doing the breaking up?

Edited October 26, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CalipsoRose]

Yes Californiagirl, I have broken up with guys before.

[CaliforniaGirl]

14 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

Yes Californiagirl, I have broken up with guys before.

All right. Now we're getting somewhere.

Part of how you are viewing this really is...well, how you're viewing it. You do not always get cheated on. You do not always get left.

Dating is...dating. It's what you do either because you don't want a permanent relationship but want company, or because you don't know what you want permanency-wise, or because you do want something long-term and are looking. Which means...there are so freakin' many possibilities you are going to be going through a lot before hitting upon the one - that much is so normal. I mean...it really really is.

If you're looking for something long-term, then technically (not to sound really negative, bear with me), every non-permanent relationship is "unsuccessful." But not because "you failed" or did something wrong or didn't do stuff in the right combination or with the right timing. (Necessarily.) Frustrating as it is, sometimes, a lot of the time, actually, it really just isn't "the" match. That isn't trite or cliche. It's literal. OLD gives a weirder twist on all this, I'm not blowing that part off. But it is going to take a lot of dating no matter what. So few people just step in it right away no matter what.

While we can, and should, learn from each relationship, you do not necessarily have to somehow "do more" in order to "deserve" somebody who isn't absolutely terrible to you. Is this making sense? It's late and I'm watching Scream while I type this, LOL.

I don't want to just pat your hand, I don't want to tell you to just sit there and do nothing. I'll get to that part in a second. 

So...No. You shouldn't choose somebody you're not attracted to. But it does NOT sound like you're choosing these "ten zillion options" hottie guys. So that's not the problem.

I know you don't want to hear this but once again...you really really need to think about why, out of the guys you narrow things down to and initially talk to, you seem to give with the ones who turn out to be bones.

It's coming down to you, honey, but not in the ways you thought...

You're pretty enough. You're definitely smart enough. You're kind enough. You're accomplished. Fit. Ready to give and not just take, take, take. Healthily sexual. 

But you're narrowing things down to vibing with the guys who are immature and can't handle normal relationships even at 30...

...why?

Are you willing to.do some thinking about that?

This is definitely going to be rife with typos but I'm too tired to look it over...I'm sorry, LOL...hope it makes sense.

Edited October 26, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Trail Blazer]

42 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

It is honestly a cut and dry answer of "Am I attracted to this person or not?" and I have found that I am not attracted to a lot of men (yes I'm straight, obviously). I cant go on a date with someone I am NOT attracted to, this is just not possible for me. If I have zero attraction towards someone, I am not going to want to sleep with them or kiss them or hold hands or waste my time or anything - this is not something I can flip on and off like a light switch. Yes I look at their dating profile and if I find him attractive but theres something in his profile that is a massive turn off then I swipe no.

This may make me picky but what is the alternative??? To date someone I DONT LIKE? This is not me "turning down nice guys just because they dont have a six pack" uh hell no. This is me having simple basic attraction to someone or not. Yes I have gone on dates with guys I wasnt attracted to in the past, were they any nicer? No. Did I somehow develop more attraction to them as the date progressed? No. & I am not dating male models, they are just regular guys who happen to subjectively be attractive to me. Yes I am obviously taking their profile into consideration. I am not shallow. 

These guys are not Brad Pitt. They are not rich or have high status jobs. Or anything of the sort. They are regular guys my age who are not hideous and dont sound like a serial killer in their About Me.

I'm hearing you with regards to not being able to go on a date with someone you don't find attractive!  That's completely normal and understandable.  

What's the alternative, you ask?  Well, there really isn't one.  But then, at the end of the day it really does come back on to you.  If you don't find 98 percent of the male population attractive then, really, that's your problem.  

You say the guys you're attracted to are "not Brad Pitt" and they're subjectively attractive to you.  Well, obviously they're not literally Brad Pitt, however for every Brad Pitt there's probably 10,000 men as subjectively attractive in the physical sense as he is who just don't have his acting abilities, so they're just a regular Joe, working a regular job, who's created a profile on a dating site.

I could say that subjectively Margot Robbie is attractive to me, but that wouldn't be saying much, as subjectively speaking, Margot Robbie would be attractive to almost every heterosexual male out there.

I am finding it difficult to believe that the guys you're attracted to aren't considered universally attractive to most women.  When you factor in that their behavior is consistent with men who have plenty of options, however you choose to define their looks, the facts remain; they have plenty of options and view you as just one of many.  My original point still stands.

You need to address why you only find two percent of the male population attractive.  That is what will limit you more than anything, in my opinion.

[beentheredonethat77]

For me its Location, Location, Location --- Ive lived in various countries and over 10+ cities for work over the past decade or so and each place has a completely different dating pool dynamic.   One place (usually depending on environment/ the industries in the town etc) is filled with handsome available men all after a small pool of women, the next place its skewed the other way around.   My hometown is hideous in terms of ratio -- i would be in your shoes Calypso -- but as soon as i left and went to a different location (where there was a huge finance industry and a male-dominated start-up industry) the ratio skewed in the opposite direction.   I found myself feeling tied down to a man too quickly with others keen for exclusivity.   Im sure the same would work for rural areas vs places like manhattan that are flooded with young gorgeous women trying to lock in a man (lived there too -- and found your issue exactly). 

So the old supply/ demand and picking right location is key IMO.   Maybe consider a move or test the waters by setting your app to a potential location (just temporarily to see if the swiping one in every fifty becomes, one in every ten or twenty).   

Im content in my relationship now but if i ever found myself miserable in life due to my lack of relationship options i would absolutely consider a change of location. 

[Beachead]

@CalipsoRose

6 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Trail Blazer...no, I absolutely do not think that I need to be treated like a princess on a first date just because I look good. I AM down to earth and laid back and fun and laugh a lot and dont take myself too seriously on dates. As far as "are you sure they want a relationship but not one with you?" Let me use my last relationship as the example for the kind of hell I have been enduring. We meet, have great dates for a month, see each other all the time - he is the one blowing my phone up with love letter texts, love bombing me, etc. Looking back, yes this can be seen as a definite red flag. But I reciprocated it because I felt the same way. We both agree to be bf and gf.

We got into one fight because he would read my text and not reply for 7+ hours a day which was a huge change from his previous behavior and started acting cold. Red flags (I later found out this is when he started talking to another woman that he met OLD which is why he suddenly seemed distant) so he started picking fights with me, talking down to me, even started criticising my clothing choices wheras before he said he loved what I wore, things like this. He then tells me, on second thought, "I dont want to be in this relationship because its too soon and Im too broken from my past relationships and want to take this slower, can we be friends but continue to cuddle and kiss and do everything else?" 

This is after he spent weeks telling me that he was falling in love with me, kissing me passionately, spending all day cuddling in bed together, kissing my forehead even washing my feet in the shower I MEAN HE WENT ALL OUT in terms of the "you're amazing I'm in love with you, lets get a house together in the future" thing, ok. SO no, I was not imagining this or reading too much into this. This all stopped when he started talking to this other girl on the dating app and started seeing her and demoted me to just friends. I walked away when he did this because I had no choice, I wasnt going to continue seeing him after that. And yes, he then told me to my face that he was starting to see someone else so I had confirmation of that. 

It's disillusioning isn't it?  The way a person can do you like that?

The last person I was with, looked me straight in the eyes and told me "I love you." That's not the only thing she said or did.  But nonetheless, she returned to her ex shortly afterwards and married him.  It was a situation I shouldn't have gotten myself into but at the time, she showed me interest, and I made the call to see where it would go. 

Putting your heart out there is no small feat.   You've got to actually take the wrongdoing done to you in your past and put it aside, to give someone new a fresh and fair chance. That requires a leap of faith.  Bravery, strength.  But what if you've been burned so badly and so frequently and you're and you've done everything right?  Still, all you can do is take the things you've learned from the past without letting it cripple you, and hope you are choosing someone right this time around. 

The reality is, sometimes we don't know who we're dealing with, until they decide to show us  It's not up to just us to guarantee the success of something.  It's up to the other person as well and unfortunately their side of the equation is something we have no control over.    If you find you've been taken advantage of or your heart has been treated recklessly, it ends up being you who has to spend the next 2-3 years recuperating from it.  Sometimes that damage can stick around for the rest of your life. 

So the fact that there are people out there who can take dating so lightly and lack the mindfulness to approach it with care, is a frightening thing.  It is disastrous.  It's a big reason why people such as your @CalipsoRose are feeling the way you do now. 

Once upon a time, somebody broke this person's heart, and they decided they never want to feel that vulnerable again.  So, in some cases, instead of dealing with the pain and hurt, they buried it and it manifested itself into their way of life.  They turned to all the wrong things.  So now, these people are out there, irresponsible with others and are irresponsible with themselves, and in that neglect, pass that pain on.

For dating to get fixed, we all need to stop pointing fingers at everything else and start taking responsibility for the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others.  Until then, threads like this will exist.

 

 

 

[alphamale]

2 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@CalipsoRose

It's disillusioning isn't it?  The way a person can do you like that?

The last person I was with, looked me straight in the eyes and told me "I love you." That's not the only thing she said or did.  But nonetheless, she returned to her ex shortly afterwards and married him.  It was a situation I shouldn't have gotten myself into but at the time, she showed me interest, and I made the call to see where it would go. 

Putting your heart out there is no small feat.   You've got to actually take the wrongdoing done to you in your past and put it aside, to give someone new a fresh and fair chance. That requires a leap of faith.  Bravery, strength.  But what if you've been burned so badly and so frequently and you're and you've done everything right?  Still, all you can do is take the things you've learned from the past without letting it cripple you, and hope you are choosing someone right this time around. 

The reality is, sometimes we don't know who we're dealing with, until they decide to show us  It's not up to just us to guarantee the success of something.  It's up to the other person as well and unfortunately their side of the equation is something we have no control over.    If you find you've been taken advantage of or your heart has been treated recklessly, it ends up being you who has to spend the next 2-3 years recuperating from it.  Sometimes that damage can stick around for the rest of your life. 

So the fact that there are people out there who can take dating so lightly and lack the mindfulness to approach it with care, is a frightening thing.  It is disastrous.  It's a big reason why people such as your @CalipsoRose are feeling the way you do now. 

Once upon a time, somebody broke this person's heart, and they decided they never want to feel that vulnerable again.  So, in some cases, instead of dealing with the pain and hurt, they buried it and it manifested itself into their way of life.  They turned to all the wrong things.  So now, these people are out there, irresponsible with others and are irresponsible with themselves, and in that neglect, pass that pain on.

For dating to get fixed, we all need to stop pointing fingers at everything else and start taking responsibility for the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others.  Until then, threads like this will exist.

 

 

 

thats why i date only women that are college grads, they tend to be more responsible in matters of the heart

[Andy_K]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

What's the alternative, you ask?  Well, there really isn't one.  But then, at the end of the day it really does come back on to you.  If you don't find 98 percent of the male population attractive then, really, that's your problem.  

You need to address why you only find two percent of the male population attractive.  That is what will limit you more than anything, in my opinion.

Yep, she has two options here... if she isn’t attracted to 98% of guys, she either needs to match that by being in the top 2% most desirable women (Being merely attractive and fit won’t cut it), or else try to see the more attractive side of more of the guys she’s not into. Anything else is like the guy with the beer gut holding out for a fitness model. Sure, maybe he can pull it off if he’s really lucky, but for every guy like that who does there are hundreds more who don’t.

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

This may make me picky but what is the alternative??? To date someone I DONT LIKE?

It’s not that you’re picky, it’s that the men you’re picking are jerks. You seem to only be attracted to jerks. 

[Els]

Caveat: I've only read the first page.

At the end of the day there are heaps and heaps and heaps of happy, long-term heterosexual couples out there, so it's difficult to imagine that any gender is being "severely disadvantaged" when it comes to relationships in general. I would especially NOT take the word of one man and the flakiness of one man, to represent the entirety of the penis-owners on planet Earth.

But you've heard all that from other posters already, so I'll offer a personal anecdote.

I personally think that doing these things that you think all men do - pretending to want one thing when they actually don't, and using their partner for a different thing - is a hallmark of immaturity, regardless of gender. I would know, because I was an immature young woman not too long ago. I was 18 and dating a boy who had told me that a girl who didn't want kids in the future was a dealbreaker to him, because he was 100% certain he wanted kids. I didn't tell him that I didn't want kids ever, because I figured I could have fun with him for a few years and then when the time comes for him to want the marriage and kids, I would just bail. (We didn't last a year.)

That was terrible of me, but I never did it again and have been honest with every guy I've been with ever since.

IMO adults with any modicum of self-respect and integrity are honest with their partners about what they want. People who want casual sex will be honest about that, and people who want relationships will be honest about that. If a guy is telling you that he wants a relationship but it turns out that he only wanted casual sex, well, bullet dodged. Imagine being in a relationship with a person who was that dishonest, why would you want him anyway?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s not that you’re picky, it’s that the men you’re picking are jerks.

This is a huge part if it. Digging through dumpster sites like tinder will deliver what any other dumpster delivers...garbage. 🗑

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Let me use my last relationship as the example for the kind of hell I have been enduring. We meet, have great dates for a month, see each other all the time - he is the one blowing my phone up with love letter texts, love bombing me, etc. Looking back, yes this can be seen as a definite red flag. But I reciprocated it because I felt the same way. We both agree to be bf and gf.

We got into one fight because he would read my text and not reply for 7+ hours a day which was a huge change from his previous behavior and started acting cold. Red flags (I later found out this is when he started talking to another woman that he met OLD which is why he suddenly seemed distant) so he started picking fights with me, talking down to me, even started criticising my clothing choices wheras before he said he loved what I wore, things like this. He then tells me, on second thought, "I dont want to be in this relationship because its too soon and Im too broken from my past relationships and want to take this slower, can we be friends but continue to cuddle and kiss and do everything else?" 

This is after he spent weeks telling me that he was falling in love with me, kissing me passionately, spending all day cuddling in bed together, kissing my forehead even washing my feet in the shower I MEAN HE WENT ALL OUT in terms of the "you're amazing I'm in love with you, lets get a house together in the future" thing, ok.

Sounds like you were the rebound. He slotted you straight in to the absent adored ex spot. He treated you so good, it felt so right, but one day he woke up, realised you were not his ex and went off to oursue a perhaps closer match. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, Beachead said:

@CalipsoRose

It's disillusioning isn't it?  The way a person can do you like that?

The last person I was with, looked me straight in the eyes and told me "I love you." That's not the only thing she said or did.  But nonetheless, she returned to her ex shortly afterwards and married him.  It was a situation I shouldn't have gotten myself into but at the time, she showed me interest, and I made the call to see where it would go. 

Putting your heart out there is no small feat.   You've got to actually take the wrongdoing done to you in your past and put it aside, to give someone new a fresh and fair chance. That requires a leap of faith.  Bravery, strength.  But what if you've been burned so badly and so frequently and you're and you've done everything right?  Still, all you can do is take the things you've learned from the past without letting it cripple you, and hope you are choosing someone right this time around. 

The reality is, sometimes we don't know who we're dealing with, until they decide to show us  It's not up to just us to guarantee the success of something.  It's up to the other person as well and unfortunately their side of the equation is something we have no control over.    If you find you've been taken advantage of or your heart has been treated recklessly, it ends up being you who has to spend the next 2-3 years recuperating from it.  Sometimes that damage can stick around for the rest of your life. 

So the fact that there are people out there who can take dating so lightly and lack the mindfulness to approach it with care, is a frightening thing.  It is disastrous.  It's a big reason why people such as your @CalipsoRose are feeling the way you do now. 

Once upon a time, somebody broke this person's heart, and they decided they never want to feel that vulnerable again.  So, in some cases, instead of dealing with the pain and hurt, they buried it and it manifested itself into their way of life.  They turned to all the wrong things.  So now, these people are out there, irresponsible with others and are irresponsible with themselves, and in that neglect, pass that pain on.

For dating to get fixed, we all need to stop pointing fingers at everything else and start taking responsibility for the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others.  Until then, threads like this will exist.

 

 

 

Well said.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s not that you’re picky, it’s that the men you’re picking are jerks. You seem to only be attracted to jerks. 

This this this!!

Find out why, OP.

You narrow things down to, say, 5 guys in a group of guys, as you say, and you pick one...

What if you went against that pull next time and gave one of the others a shot just out of curiosity and saw how that went? You were attracted to that guy in the first place so you wouldn't be trying to be attracted or anything. You already are.

But you turned him and three other guys down and grabbed for #5 and he was a shootheel...could it be that you are just drawn to the familiar? Try the less familiar because he might be the one who DOESN'T hurt you.

You never know.

Edited October 26, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Woggle]

You should never lower your standards but maybe some readjustment is called for.

[SumGuy]

On 10/26/2020 at 2:01 AM, CaliforniaGirl said:

....

So...No. You shouldn't choose somebody you're not attracted to. But it does NOT sound like you're choosing these "ten zillion options" hottie guys. So that's not the problem.

I know you don't want to hear this but once again...you really really need to think about why, out of the guys you narrow things down to and initially talk to, you seem to give with the ones who turn out to be bones.

It's coming down to you, honey, but not in the ways you thought...

You're pretty enough. You're definitely smart enough. You're kind enough. You're accomplished. Fit. Ready to give and not just take, take, take. Healthily sexual. 

But you're narrowing things down to vibing with the guys who are immature and can't handle normal relationships even at 30...

...why?

....

Bears repeating.  Sounds like how you pick is off, which could include the OLD sites you pick from.  Where I live some sites just have more people interested in relationships than others.  For example, Tinder and PFO here are really just hook up sites.

 

[basil67]

Men who aren't ready or afraid are better left on the shelf until they have sorted themselves out.  

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 10/22/2020 at 11:44 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sorry but what that guy wrote sounds like some TRP simp bs.  Plenty of men  want commitment. Otherwise, you wouldn’t see them in relationships. As for sex, a guy that really likes will respect your wishes to wait. Don’t use it to get someone to commit though or you’ll probably be disappointed. 

Haven't read the rest of the thread but the above is true and all you need to know.

Now to read some of the rest of the thread...

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 10/23/2020 at 1:31 AM, CalipsoRose said:

I have literally never waited 2 months to have sex, this was something someone else suggested on another form. I usually end up having sex much earlier and getting used or played as a result.

You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

CalipsoRose, there are plenty of men out there who won't expect you to have sex before the two of you making a commitment to each other. They may be a smaller proportion of the population but they exist.

Seems waiting for one who will commit to you before having sex is preferable to what you've been doing. As you've stated, that's not working out to well.

And you wrote you don't want to have sex with someone who's having sex with three, five, six, other women. Then don't.

Believe it or not there are many men who want to wait until marriage to have sex. Most of them aren't on LS, from what I've seen here.

 

[hotpotato]

On 10/22/2020 at 11:03 PM, CalipsoRose said:

I am honestly just more confused than ever, after recently coming out of a relationship with a guy who kept going back and forth with me on commitment and blamed it on depression but was really just wanting to date other women while continuing to see me. So I am trying to heal and make sure I do things differently, or the "right" way next time around and quite frankly I dont know what that is anymore.

 

If hes wish washy, you dont have to deal with him. Imo men need to feel extremely infatuated very quickly otherwise the woman will be friendzoned. Friendzone is different for men and women. A man will put a woman in the friendzone and still have sex with her.