Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) I’ve had some bfs that were lazy about planning, but not everything. I imagine that level of complacency would get old very very quick. Like, for the love of dogs, can you please make one autonomous decision ? Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
carhill Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 On 10/22/2020 at 1:13 PM, escapedmelody said: Why doesn't he like to plan things and wants me to do it? Is he lazy? Is anyone else's partner like this? Where plan/process/idea perspectives conflict, how has that been resolved in the past? In my generation, women are generally the social directors and guys do logistics. I'm not married anymore but my friends essentially ask what time, where and what do I wear. That's it. Seen it personally for decades. The most any might plan is a guy-only BBQ when the wives are otherwise engaged. I don't know if he's lazy, if he does nothing except with a cattle prod up his butt then he could be lazy as a set point. Don't know him, can't say. My partner would motion me over to look at some sandy beach in Australia and opine 'we can do that, yes?'. She packed and picked the highlights, the rest was up to me. Our arrangement on the money side was I got us there, kept us there, and back and she took care of the extras. YMMV.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 I guess I've been spoiled in that I've never had to plan any of this stuff. I could if I wanted to, and I always have plenty of ideas - but the default was the man usually took the initiative to make suggestions about places we could go, things we could do, making the arrangements. They've always seemed excited to deliver fun experiences with minimal effort on my part. These have always been the most attractive men to me. 1
Allupinnit Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 38 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I guess I've been spoiled in that I've never had to plan any of this stuff. I could if I wanted to, and I always have plenty of ideas - but the default was the man usually took the initiative to make suggestions about places we could go, things we could do, making the arrangements. They've always seemed excited to deliver fun experiences with minimal effort on my part. These have always been the most attractive men to me. My H was like that in the beginning of our relationship when he was winning me over, but now that we're married I'm with the rest of the ladies here; men simply don't think about things the way women do. I am the keeper of the social calendar, I decorate how I want, I grocery shop and buy essentials. I also make sure his daughter is properly clothed. I could sit around and feel resentful that his brain doesn't think the way mine does or I can just get busy doing things the way I want and feel happy he goes along. After marriage, men aren't as into delivering "fun experiences" anymore and what most likely happens is we've gone over our budget together and we decide where we're going/eating/etc. Yeah it's "boring" but that's life and reality. 1
Allupinnit Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Also, we decided together to get a cleaning lady twice a month and that has staved off a lot of friction. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Well, this is the OP's boyfriend, not husband, so if he's already lazy, that doesn't bode well. I had a 5-year relationship where we lived together and he still took initiative on all this stuff in year 5
kismetkismet Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, introverted1 said: I think it depends on what "planning" encompasses, and what your future holds with this guy. Planning dates is one thing, but being the ""engine" for a life together is exhausting. This! In my experience there are (at least) two types of non-planners. The people who will go along with your plans when you make them, but if left to their own devices would sit around at home doing nothing all day. And the people who are energetic and motivated and suggest things to do, but just aren't great at the logistics and/or are easy going about the specifics. I dated the former before my now husband and it was exhausting. I felt like I was kind of dragging him around with me and felt I had to have enough energy for both of us. Then if I gave up on dragging him, I'd wind up being dragged down with him lying around bored and lethargic at home. It eventually led, in part, to our breakup because I just didn't feel excited, energetic, or inspired EVER when I was around him. On the other hand, my husband always has the energy and enthusiasm to do things, pushes us to travel and be active etc. but isn't the best with logistics and long term planning. He's a 'go-getter' at work and in other areas, I'm just better than him at doing research and bookings and things. Which I'm totally fine with because I like that part. (however, he did also plan a lot of interesting dates when we were initially dating) I'd try to get to the bottom of what 'type' he is, and whether that suits your lifestyle, or if it's just going to wear you out. Edited October 28, 2020 by kismetkismet 1
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) Maybe it's generational. I know if my boyfriend told me he booked a weekend trip, booked hotels and bought tickets for some event and all I have to do is tag along.....I probably would have something to say about it. He doesn't mind driving 8 hours back and forth on weekends, I mind. He doesn't mind cheep hotels, I mind and his idea of fun event may differ than my definition. At the end I better plan everything lol Edited October 28, 2020 by Gaeta 1
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Maybe it's generational. I know if my boyfriend told me he booked a weekend trip, booked hotels and bought tickets for some event and all I have to do is tag along.....I probably would have something to say about it. He doesn't mind driving 8 hours back and forth on weekends, I mind. He doesn't mind cheep hotels, I mind and his ideal of fun event may differ than my definition. At the end I better plan everything lol Do you consider yourself as a bit of a control freak?
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Just now, Trail Blazer said: Do you consider yourself as a bit of a control freak? haha no, not at all....but I will not sleep in a cheap humid hotel, I am past the age. That doesn't make me a controlling freak.
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: haha no, not at all....but I will not sleep in a cheap humid hotel, I am past the age. That doesn't make me a controlling freak. What about in a tent, in a national park?
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 Just now, Trail Blazer said: What about in a tent, in a national park? Absolutely. Less likely to bring back home parasites like the ones you can bring back home from cheaper hotels.
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 23 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Do you consider yourself as a bit of a control freak? I know you were asking somebody else but I am a total control freak not just a bit of one. It's really so much less stressful on everyone, especially me, if I just plan.
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Absolutely. Less likely to bring back home parasites like the ones you can bring back home from cheaper hotels. There's cheap hotels and then there's cheap hotels. There I was thinking you're snubbing your nose at, say, the Holiday Inn, when in fact your true objection would be more along the lines of a filthy motel on the side of a state highway? 1
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: I guess I've been spoiled in that I've never had to plan any of this stuff. I could if I wanted to, and I always have plenty of ideas - but the default was the man usually took the initiative to make suggestions about places we could go, things we could do, making the arrangements. They've always seemed excited to deliver fun experiences with minimal effort on my part. These have always been the most attractive men to me. at the beginning of the relationship it’s like that. But as time goes on, You’ve never had that thing where you ask where they want to eat and they’re like “ hmm. I don’t know. I could do anything. What do you want?” If not, yes you are very fortunate Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: at the beginning of the relationship it’s like that. But as time goes on, You’ve never had that thing where you ask where they want to eat and they’re like “ hmm. I dunno I could do anything. What do you want?” If not, yes you are very fortunate Why hand in face emoji? Is it a man's job to deliver "fun experiences with little effort" on a woman's part for eternity? That's what the courtship phase is for.
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 5 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Why hand in face emoji? Is it a man's job to deliver "fun experiences with little effort" on a woman's part for eternity? That's what the courtship phase is for. Not asking for a man to deliver fun experiences with little effort on a woman’s part for eternity. Just asking for them to just pick a place to eat
poppyfields Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Why hand in face emoji? Is it a man's job to deliver "fun experiences with little effort" on a woman's part for eternity? That's what the courtship phase is for. Agree. Frankly, I rather like it when my boyfriend (um, fiance - it's feels weird calling him that! lol) asks me where I'd like to eat, or what I'd like to do, I find that thoughtful. We end up deciding together . Even during "courtship" he did that, or I would ask him. Just me, but a man who insisted on making all those types decisions without my input sounds controlling to me. Not my cup of tea. Edited October 28, 2020 by poppyfields
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Not asking for a man to deliver fun experiences with little effort on a woman’s part for eternity. Just asking for them to just pick a place to eat Do you want to cede all control over your ability to decide which culinary choice tickles your fancy at any given time?
Ruby Slippers Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 23 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: You’ve never had that thing where you ask where they want to eat and they’re like “ hmm. I don’t know. I could do anything. What do you want?” If not, yes you are very fortunate Sure, there are times either or both of us feel indecisive. In those cases we tend to default to a usual spot we know we like. 1
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Agree. Frankly, I rather like it when my boyfriend (um, fiance - it's feels weird calling him that! lol) asks me where I'd like to eat, or what I'd like to do, I find that thoughtful. We end up deciding together . Even during "courtship" he did that, or I would ask him. Just me, but a man who insisted on making all those types decisions without my input sounds controlling to me. Not my cup of tea. Exactly. There are times where I will take full control over where we eat (booking a romantic dinner, i.e. birthday/anniversary) and other times where we will decide together. With my current relationship, my girlfriend spent the bulk of her 20s and half of her 30s living a very urban, child-free life. She's sampled almost every restaurant our city has to offer. I, on the other hand, spent the bulk of my 20s and early 30s living a completely different life. Married, living in the rural outskirts of town. I couldn't recommend too many restaurants in town first hand. Where I come in to the fray is when it comes to wineries. I've lived in and around the Oregon wine country for years. I know all the good spots in the valley for a fantastic lunch. Our varied skills and experiences in life compliment one another. We both bring something to the table which means that we both take owenership for the continued success of our relationship. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Do you want to cede all control over your ability to decide which culinary choice tickles your fancy at any given time? It's not about that - it's about giving him the opportunity to wow you. For example, my last bf asked me what my favorite food was - seafood. He then found a really good seafood place and invited me. I was very pleased, expressive of my delight, and he was happy he got to deliver such a great time. Another example is that he would always invite me on trips and suggest a place. We'd agree on dates, then he'd send me a few options for travel tickets and hotel. I'd pick my favorites, then he'd book and pay. Huge turn-on for me, a very princessy, delightful experience. I guess if he picked crummy hotels it would have been touchy, but he never did that. (If he had done that, I would have suggested a better place and offered to pay.) Edited October 28, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 1 1
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Do you want to cede all control over your ability to decide which culinary choice tickles your fancy at any given time? I think that’s what you do when you ask someone what they would like to eat. You are asking them to pick. Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Miss Spider Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) Why do some people struggle so hard with this decision. I really have never lol there are like a zillion things that I would love to eat at any moment that I will happily pick from Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Trail Blazer Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I think that’s what you do when you ask someone what they would like to eat. You were asking them to pick. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a dude who'll say on the odd occasion that he doesn't know what he wants to eat and he's happy to defer to a woman's better judgement at that moment in time. 2
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