escapedmelody Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 My boyfriend always lets me choose where we eat dinner, or what we do on the weekends. I feel bad (and a little irritated) for making all of the decisions but when I asked him where he wants to eat or what he wants to do, he asks me those questions or says, "I don't know." (But whatever I suggest, he goes along with it...which is nice...I guess...) Once in a while he'll ask me, "Do you want to go to ____?" But still, I'm making the decision of whether we go or not. Why doesn't he like to plan things and wants me to do it? Is he lazy? Is anyone else's partner like this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 My husband plans nothing. He hates to do it & he's bad at it. It takes me minutes. The plan is usually better then what he would have come up with. Me doing it saves a lot of strife. DH plans 1 thing -- our anniversary dinner; I figured it was the least he could do. This year I had to do that because Covid had him befuddled. I have given him help when he does have plan. I like surprises so I give him a holiday wish list of 5-10 things that he picks from. He has my friends & some of their husbands as helpers when he gets stuck. They actually helped him plan my 50th birthday & even they complained how bad he is. They send him gift suggestions. He's open to this so it's not like he feels insulted by all this input. He has expressed gratitude to me & them. Early on in my marriage my MIL complained that it lead to her divorce from DH's father because he doesn't plan either. Step-MIL cautioned me to make everything a multiple choice Q with no more then 3 choices, preferably 2. If you need a planner, he's not your guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 45 minutes ago, escapedmelody said: whatever I suggest, he goes along with it...which is nice...I guess... How long have you been dating? If you like the laid back nature it's fine. How is the relationship overall? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 I'm attracted to go-getters who know how to take charge, not at all attracted to passive men, so it wouldn't work for me. But some women don't mind taking the lead most of the time. He won't change. This is who he is. So decide whether you can accept it or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 Yep! Same here. My BF loves going away on weekends, restaurants, movies, little day trip etc but he will never come forward with an actual plan. Also, if I ask if he wants to go away on our next long weekend he'll say yes with a lot of enthousiasm but I'll ask where to go and he'll answer anywhere I want, I'll ask if he prefers a B&B or hotel, he'll answer what ever I want. At the beginning of our relationship it bothered me, I wanted him to come up with plans, I viewed that as a sign of interest on his part. I've learn since it's just the way he is. My bf works 2 jobs. He doesn't have time to think of new ideas for dates, he's happy I take over that department. I have to admit I like being the boss of that department, in return he's the boss of other department in our relationship. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 (edited) I'm female and also the planner of outings. I make the bookings, organise babysitters (is there a man on the planet who organises the babysitters?) Being laid back is part of who he is. I suggest you look at all the positive traits he has, and reconising that nobody is perfect, decide if you can accept it. Also, bear in mind that he may be a 'take charge' kind of guy at work and when at home, he needs a bit of brain space so that he can take a break from organising and being in charge. That's what my husband is like. Edited October 22, 2020 by basil67 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 I like being the planner of things, mostly because I am used to being by myself and not having someone to go with doesn't stop me from doing the things I want to. When I have had bfs, I was always the planner and they said either yes or no to things. I was fine with that but they started resenting me for it. After a while I realized that I couldn't win in this situation. I'd like a man to actually take more initiative than I have seen but it's not happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 As a guy, I cannot relate to this at all. I am the planner of most things. I plan, organize and more often than not, pay for things in advance. In terms of cuisine, both my girlfriend and I like similar. So, it's not hard for me to pick a winner without even consulting her. I usually just tell her that "we're going to be eating out tonight" and she happily obliges. My girlfriend is about to start working as she's conpleted her studies (which were delayed due to COVID-19), so perhaps she might start doing some of the planning and organizing, too, as she'll have an income coming in. In general, though, my girlfriend knows more of the city bars and restaurants better than I do as she's a city girl who grew up close to town while I know all the little country getaways as I've always lived on the rural outskirts of town. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Maybe it's not that important to him so he figures he'll get some points with you by letting you decide. That way he doesn't have to read your mind. or maybe he he's risk adverse. If the evening is a disaster we all know who did the planning. or maybe it's indecision. Something like having a dvd of a movie you like on the shelf but you only watch the movie when it comes on TV. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 When my girlfriend and I did travel and go on various adventures (we've been temporarily grounded by the pandemic) , I used to plan everything. I paid for everything and planned accordingly to fit into my monthly (travel & entertainment) budget. After being called "cheap" one too many times, I handed the planning over to my girlfriend. I tell her what the monthly budget is and let her plan our trips to fit into it, if she finds an adventure that exceeds the budget, she can make up the difference or delete it from the itinerary. 20 hours ago, escapedmelody said: Why doesn't he like to plan things and wants me to do it? Is he lazy? Is anyone else's partner like this? Have you ever criticized his plans/activities?? Made comments about food/travel/adventures?? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 Why complain? He wants to please you and keep you. Or hates making plans. I know couples that the husbands do whatever the wives want and they are fine with it and happy Unless he isn't really satisfied with your plans and is faking it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 This would bother me. I was out with a friend the other night and she's been casually dating (FWB) a guy for a few months. I was asking her about the status of things (they haven't discussed "what they are" or if either of them are having sex with others - she is at least and "thinks" he isn't). She said, "basically he doesn't want to plan anything and is good with whatever I plan. He wouldn't dare let me pay for anything and as long as we eat good food and have sex he's happy." He also won't talk on the phone (they never have) and lives an hour away. I would not be OK with this arrangement whatsoever. I would feel like an escort (and I hate talking on the phone lol). I asked her if he'd still be OK if they did not have sex and she said "No, I doubt it." EEK. Works for her I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 I've had partners like this. In the grand scheme of things if this is the worse thing about him you are a very lucky person. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 I think it depends on what "planning" encompasses, and what your future holds with this guy. Planning dates is one thing, but being the ""engine" for a life together is exhausting. It's one thing to plan date night and something else altogether to have to plan how to raise the kids, what house to buy, how to invest money, etc., etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) On 10/22/2020 at 4:27 PM, d0nnivain said: My husband plans nothing. He hates to do it & he's bad at it. It takes me minutes. The plan is usually better then what he would have come up with. Me doing it saves a lot of strife. DH plans 1 thing -- our anniversary dinner; I figured it was the least he could do. This year I had to do that because Covid had him befuddled. I have given him help when he does have plan. I like surprises so I give him a holiday wish list of 5-10 things that he picks from. He has my friends & some of their husbands as helpers when he gets stuck. They actually helped him plan my 50th birthday & even they complained how bad he is. They send him gift suggestions. He's open to this so it's not like he feels insulted by all this input. He has expressed gratitude to me & them. Early on in my marriage my MIL complained that it lead to her divorce from DH's father because he doesn't plan either. Step-MIL cautioned me to make everything a multiple choice Q with no more then 3 choices, preferably 2. If you need a planner, he's not your guy. Love your posts. Such a smart woman. Okay, so in her marriage, Donnivain is the leader and does the planning.....this is a great example of how it can work. Side note: yes, giving him two choices is the way to go. Two is the magic number. To be frank, I think women are better planners than men. OP - He's somewhat unromantic/lazy. Or he wants to make you happy and he's just happy to be with you, wherever that is - which is kinda cute-cute. I understand though - you get tired of making decisions all the time, would like him to take the lead at least sometimes, or like to be surprised. Sometimes I would pick up my girlfriend and not tell her were we were going - it's a surprise! On the other hand, you have to keep it in perspective - as you say, he's easy to get along with. Some couples have poor relationships where they argue and fight all the time. So it could be worse. A lot worse. You just have to decide for yourself if the extra work to be the leader is worth the love you get from this guy who, while an otherwise good guy - is just weak in the romance department. And women do crave romance. But you guys reading this - people make hundreds of decisions per day and it is tiresome. It's romantic if you take some of the work load off the woman and make some of the plans. Edited October 28, 2020 by Fletch Lives Link to post Share on other sites
LauraKelly Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 I think you should say to him that he needs to take a bit more control and be assertive. It’s sexy when a man puts effort in and maybe he is lazy or maybe he just wants to keep you happy, but either way , tell him you want him to start planning and making decisions etc and see how he goes with it. Good luck x Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) He's all ready for marriage...women do make the majority of the decisions....you going to wear that? We are having dinner with the Johnsons tonight, the kids need to be picked up at soccer, then pick up dinner, I picked out a nice B&B for our getaway you will love it, we are having roast beef tonight, wear those new dress shoes I bought you, we are having brunch with my mother Sunday, I picked out the paint color and wallpaper for the bathroom, etc Edited October 28, 2020 by smackie9 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 2 hours ago, introverted1 said: I think it depends on what "planning" encompasses, and what your future holds with this guy. Planning dates is one thing, but being the ""engine" for a life together is exhausting. It's one thing to plan date night and something else altogether to have to plan how to raise the kids, what house to buy, how to invest money, etc., etc. For me oh snap, easy peasy, I make the decisions, it's not exhausting at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 42 minutes ago, smackie9 said: He's all ready for marriage...women do make the majority of the decisions....you going to wear that? We are having dinner with the Johnsons tonight, the kids need to be picked up at soccer, then pick up dinner, I picked out a nice B&B for our getaway you will love it, we are having roast beef tonight, wear those new dress shoes I bought you, we are having brunch with my mother Sunday, I picked out the paint color and wallpaper for the bathroom, etc Yep, you've just described my life. I love *honey we're out of milk*. Most women are the fridge keeper. My bf doesn't make a mental list of what's missing in the fridge when he drives back home after work. I do. OP whether you like it or not women are still handling most of the mental charge in a relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 It sounds like laziness combined with being boring.. not having any preferences or not wanting to do anything. In the grand scheme of things, there could be much worse problems, but you have to decide if you're willing to accept it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) I don't see where the problem is, are you not happy it's your way and not the highway? Edited October 28, 2020 by Noproblem 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: My bf doesn't make a mental list of what's missing in the fridge when he drives back home after work. I do. OMG. I don't even need that. I would just like to be told when he finishes something or takes the last one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Donnivain: I bet when he finishes juice/milk he puts the empty container back in the fridge lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: Donnivain: I bet when he finishes juice/milk he puts the empty container back in the fridge lol. Took years for me to train my kids not to do that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: Donnivain: I bet when he finishes juice/milk he puts the empty container back in the fridge lol. Worse. He leaves one little sip so it's technically not empty. 😡 What galls me is that he used to use the last of say his deodorant or the clear plastic food wrap. I usually get stuff like that at big box discount stores or when it's on sale. But no, he'd used it up & then go buy replacements at the local pharmacy in our town where that stuff is 3 - 5x the price. 🙄 After I finally got him to understand the cost of his last minute convenience shopping, he's been better about telling me when he opens the back ups. Even though we've been married for 12 years, during the pandemic & shut downs he has finally discovered the shelves downstairs where I keep back ups of most non perishables. Silly husband. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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