Chef101 Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 I met a girl through work a few years ago. At the time we met she was in a long term relationship and is now engaged to be married next year. Over the last three years i have developed pretty strong feelings for her. We talk daily by phone or text and actively flirt when we are together. She never really talks about her partner and when she does she doesnt seem happy. She is always on my mind and i find myself thinking about her more often than not. I havent told her how i feel as im not sure if it will be positive or negative. Her wedding is fast approaching and im dreading it Should i tell her or is that massively selfish and just suck it up and stay silent?
Allupinnit Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 Do not say a word. She isn't going to leave her fiancé and you will make work VERY awkward. Keep communication professional; there is no reason to be texting and flirting with another man's soon-to-be wife. 2 2
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 You are infatuated not in love. There is a difference. IMO it would be wrong to say anything. If she liked you back & had feelings for you, she would not have said yes when here FI popped the Q. She may be flirty with you but that doesn't mean you are anything more than the safe male friend who feeds her ego. Step back & put a lot of distance in here. You need it.
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 I agree with the answers above. Please just don't day anything. Can I ask why you would want to tell her? What would you expect to happen? I suspect it would be for you, to get it off your chest, and how would that be fair to her? She hasn't done anything to deserve this and she should at least be allowed to go to her wedding day untroubled and happy.
kendahke Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Chef101 said: is that massively selfish and just suck it up and stay silent Yes. It is. You only knows what she wants you to know--you don't know the truth. She flirts with you, but doesn't take things any farther that dumping BS into your ear--that's how she manages you. Put another way: what would you want us to tell the guy writing us about wanting make a move on your fiancee because he's misinterpreting pre-wedding jitters? If things were really that bad, wouldn't have said "yes" and she'd call off the wedding. Edited October 22, 2020 by kendahke
schlumpy Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 How strong are these feelings? Are they strong enough to tell her straight up that you want her to marry you? Would you follow through? If you are just offering a fling forget it. It would be amazingly selfish. If you see this woman as your future companion you should inform her. Regardless of what you decide you have to get away from her. It's going to hurt a lot to see her happy with someone else. Be prepared to find another job because you could be blowing up your life as well as hers. Make damn sure it's what you want. Your other option is to wait. She and her new husband may want a modern open marriage. It will be all the benefits without the ball and chain. 1
poppyfields Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Chef101 said: She never really talks about her partner and when she does she doesnt seem happy. How so, in what sense does she not seem happy? They're getting married so I would assume even if she were not happy then, she is now. Agree with others, don't tell. And introspect to determine why you find yourself attracted and infatuated with a woman who has always been unavailable to you. Have you dated any other women, available women, in the years you've known her? Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 20 minutes ago, schlumpy said: How strong are these feelings? Are they strong enough to tell her straight up that you want her to marry you? Would you follow through? If you are just offering a fling forget it. It would be amazingly selfish. If you see this woman as your future companion you should inform her. Regardless of what you decide you have to get away from her. It's going to hurt a lot to see her happy with someone else. Be prepared to find another job because you could be blowing up your life as well as hers. Make damn sure it's what you want. Your other option is to wait. She and her new husband may want a modern open marriage. It will be all the benefits without the ball and chain. No. No. Oh no no no no no..... Chef101, Do NOT pull a Clapton. How could that ever work out...you have a relationship with someone you know would leave her fiance (her fiance!) practically at the altar...you're not going to be wondering when you'll be next? She's with somebody who has no conscience about crushing another man's dreams. This isn't a romcom.
poppyfields Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 (edited) Agree^^. For one thing, there is a very strong possibility that a big part of your infatuation OP is the fact that she is, and always has been, unavailable to you. If she suddenly became available, you wouldn't be quite so intrigued anymore. Something to consider. Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields
Author Chef101 Posted October 22, 2020 Author Posted October 22, 2020 25 minutes ago, poppyfields said: How so, in what sense does she not seem happy? They're getting married so I would assume even if she were not happy then, she is now. Agree with others, don't tell. And introspect to determine why you find yourself attracted and infatuated with a woman who has always been unavailable to you. Have you dated any other women, available women, in the years you've known her? Yes i have dated other women and was in a relationship when i first met her. Ive tried to go on more dates with other women and be in more social settings in the hope that these feelings would fade like any other crush. In terms of not happy - i mean she confided in me that she has said yes as she had felt pressure but had been undecided about it for a few weeks so did not give that yes immediatly. Im not sure why this woman has captured my attention so much as i normally stay well clear of people in relationships for the very reasons pointed out by yall.
Acacia98 Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 55 minutes ago, Chef101 said: Im not sure why this woman has captured my attention so much as i normally stay well clear of people in relationships for the very reasons pointed out by yall. Perhaps you're unhappy/dissatisfied about some fundamental aspect of your life. People sometimes make bad/atypical choices in such circumstances.
mark clemson Posted October 23, 2020 Posted October 23, 2020 Heh, it's like those two from The Office (American version). 4 hours ago, Chef101 said: i normally stay well clear of people in relationships for the very reasons pointed out by yall. You should steer clear of this one too, especially now. She may like you too, but if she really is unhappy you are just a band aid on that while she succumbs to social pressure or whatever is driving this. Not everyone is happy in their marriage, but IMO you should let hers stand or fall on it's own without you there. IF she cops out or is divorced in two years, well, THAT will be your chance, and a much better one, IF you are not already "taken" with a new GF yourself by then.
mortensorchid Posted October 23, 2020 Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) You're in infatuation right now. And yes it, would be horrific if you said what you felt. We've been talk showed to death that we must always say what we feel or be open and honest with out feelings. Don't rock the boat, bow out and let it be. Edited October 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility
Noproblem Posted October 23, 2020 Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, Chef101 said: I met a girl through work a few years ago. At the time we met she was in a long term relationship and is now engaged to be married next year. Over the last three years i have developed pretty strong feelings for her. We talk daily by phone or text and actively flirt when we are together. She never really talks about her partner and when she does she doesnt seem happy. She is always on my mind and i find myself thinking about her more often than not. I havent told her how i feel as im not sure if it will be positive or negative. Her wedding is fast approaching and im dreading it Should i tell her or is that massively selfish and just suck it up and stay silent? Yes. you only live once Tell her!!!!!! She either feels the same as you or not You only live once, so what if it's gonna be awkward, so what if you are not gonna chat like before, to be exact, if you kept being friend with her, you won't be able to move on or find another girl, so she either crush your dreams or either tells you she likes you too and stop going forward with the mistake of marrying someone when she loves another! Everyone is saying omg, it's selfish, award, you don't really love her, etc etc etc..Who cares about the other person. You are not telling her to cheat, you are telling her you love her, if she feels the same, then you are doing the other man a big service! But really this is your feelings, you know what you feel and you know what you gonna lose if she actually get married. You don't want to be 91 and regretting it like the guy I saw his story the other day, he came out as gay at age 91 . After what? the person who he truly loved was really gone because he was coward and was too afraid from the society. Chance are.. She already knows you like her she either like you too or she likes the attention you give her.. Either way, you will only lose if you didn't tell her! So do tell and don't expect good outcome! Just get it out of your shoulder! I know all people told you to not tell her, but like I said. There is nothing you gonna lose by telling her. She either likes you back or she doesn't! IF she doesn't it's better you know so you can finally be free from this feelings and stay clear out of her way.. Edited October 23, 2020 by Noproblem
Noproblem Posted October 23, 2020 Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) Everyone is so concerned about how it's awkward, or selfish or the other guy. Nobody stops for a second and think maybe these two are soul mates but they both are too afraid to say they love each others. or maybe if the guy actually confessed and she said no, he'll finally get his closure. Women get confessions of love all the time, she either likes him or using him for ego boast. You'll do the other man a service by confessing, because either she doesn't like you and that would be it, he is with someone who loves him 100% or she does like you and she wouldn't get married to someone she doesn't love and makes him miserable. However, I have to say this: If you actually love her and want to be with her in a serious relationship, you should talk! if you are playing or not sure of your feelings, then definitely keep it to yourself! So please think deeply, do you really love her or it's just like the others have said, an infatuation? Edited October 23, 2020 by Noproblem 1
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