We seem to have different life goals and mindset, can this work?

[Mystery4u]

Whilst I think you should give him a chance, the fact that you are thinking about him like this and judging him so early on in the relationship - is a very very bad sign and your thoughts won't go away. Can't see this relationship lasting.

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Every chick has seen Notting Hill and every dude who's ever been with the one chick for any length of time has seen it also!

Yup!  I've seen it a few times and I'm not even all that big on romantic comedies but I loved that movie!

"Kate and Leopold" is another one of my favs. 

[Trail Blazer]

12 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I met this guy online and there was an instant connection. We spoke on the phone and then met in person and got along really well.

He is a nice guy with values and is respectful, also looking for something serious. Very different from the majority of guys on OLD.

The thing that concerns me about him is I feel we are different in terms of life mindset, lifestyle and goals. 

I have my own business which became successful the last years, just bought a house and I love to travel to nice places and have a lot of life and business goals. He on the other hand, got divorced 3 years ago, and went back to live with his parents. His job is a bus driver (nothing wrong with it), and he seems to not have much ambition or business and life goals. 

He is a happy person and at peace with himself, but I worry if this different lifestyles and mindset we have would cause trouble in the future? I don't want someone that would limit my goals (I've had that happened with a guy in the past). 

We're only in early dating stages, so it's not that we are getting into a serious relationship immediately, but I don't want to waste my time with someone I don't see potential.

What do you think? Thank you.

I think that it doesn't generally work when the female is the major breadwinner.  In fact, I don't think a woman can truly respect a man they're in a relationship with if his ability and desire to provide doesn't closely match or exceed her's.

From my own experience, my ex-wife was a lawyer for the IRS and for the majority of the time I was with her, I was a mechanic.  She insisted for years that it was never a problem, until it became one...

The issues we had were exposed when we had children.  Whilst thankfully working for the federal government meant she had great leave entitlements, it was hard when the kids would get sick and one parent had to stay home.

If I took one day off, my boss would groan.  My ex-wife could take more time off, owing to the nature of her work and how she could manage her case loads from home as well as the office.

I wouldn't say that I lacked ambition, but throughout my 20s I certainly lacked direction.  I didn't know what I wanted to do straight out of high school, so I got my trade to start with and figured I'd work out the rest in time.

The problem was that over time, my ex-wife grew resentful of what she described as "burnout" from being "the breeder and the breadwinner."  I felt I pulled my weight around the house, but she began to resent me over time.

The issues came to a head when she decided after 10 years of the highly stressful dog-eat-dog nature of her job, that she wanted to spend more time with the kids and chase her true passion.  So, she left and started her own business. 

The business struggled for the first few years and she further resented me as I didn't have the earning capacity to provide for the family and help invest in her business as well.

It all became too much and after years of feeling resented, with her citing no end of frustration over my lack of direction etc. etc. we both agreed that separation was the best thing to do.

The irony is that two years on from our separation, after having completed a lot of external studies whilst still working, I landed myself a fantastic new job where I earn a six-figure salary.  My career and eveything else in life started to excel without the pressure of expectation hanging over me.  Unfortunately for her, her business didn't survive.

So, in terms of this man, you need to think long and hard about whether you think your attraction to him will wane over time as resentment from not being as ambitious or money-driven as you are sets in.

My ex-wife liked the finer things in life.  She always said she was happy to get those things herself.  But in reality, she would have been happier if she had someone else to get them for her from the outset.  She just didn't realize this until after the honeymoon period ended with us and we slipped into a normal, everyday routine - especially after marriage and children.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I understand the dilemma. There are a lot of sweet guys out there who are underwhelming in terms of career and finances. And there are a lot of overachievers who turn out to be jerks. 

But studies show that about 80% of women don't feel secure getting serious and especially marrying a man who earns less, especially if they want marriage and kids. 

However, there are some women on this forum who are OK being the main bread-winners and have even married lower-earning men. The ones I'm aware of do not have and/or do not want kids.

It's very unlikely I'd marry a man with less money. The risk is too great. I might go out and have fun with him, but I probably wouldn't get serious.

[Trail Blazer]

2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I understand the dilemma. There are a lot of sweet guys out there who are underwhelming in terms of career and finances. And there are a lot of overachievers who turn out to be jerks. 

But studies show that about 80% of women don't feel secure getting serious and especially marrying a man who earns less, especially if they want marriage and kids. 

However, there are some women on this forum who are OK being the main bread-winners and have even married lower-earning men. The ones I'm aware of do not have and/or do not want kids.

It's very unlikely I'd marry a man with less money. The risk is too great. I might go out and have fun with him, but I probably wouldn't get serious.

This is very true and my experience demonstrates exactly why it can go horribly wrong.

[Chilli]

 

Unfortunately your chalk n cheese and that really does matter down the track when reality starts kicking in and hitting the fan.

Edited October 22, 2020 by Chilli

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I think that it doesn't generally work when the female is the major breadwinner.  In fact, I don't think a woman can truly respect a man they're in a relationship with if his ability and desire to provide doesn't closely match or exceed her's

With one notable exception I have earned more money then every man I have been with as an adult.  This year due to Covid DH's steady paycheck is outstripping my business earnings but I have never not respected these guys. 

I have also always considered myself high maintenance.  I want certain things.  My very frugal, down to earth husband tells me I'm not high maintenance because if I want something I buy it.  Unlike your EX wife I take pride in what I can buy myself.  My husband defines high maintenance as someone who wants things they can't afford but expects others to provide them.  

Edited October 22, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

On 10/21/2020 at 9:43 AM, MissPinkEyes said:

I am used to 5 star hotels and love comfort and luxury. He goes camping for holidays. I mean, I also like camping, but not every single time I go on holidays. 

The man doesn't live above his means. Give him a 6 figure salary and he'll suddenly like 5 star hotels too. 

It's not about having a different mindset, it's about having different means to live with. 

If the man works hard, bring in a decent salary, is honest, worship the ground you walk on then what's the problem? So he cannot afford Mexico beaches 3 times a year...pay for him. End of story. 

[MissPinkEyes]

Thank you guys for your insights. Well it seems my problem is solved since he stopped texting me.

Before our first date he was texting me a lot all day, also calling me on the phone, then we had our first date and I noticed a drop on the texting but thought nothing of it, and came here asking this question and wanted to go on further dates with him.

But it seems he’s not into me as the texts stopped completely. I sent him a text first last time we talked, he said he was busy and didn’t even ask how am I.

Didn’t say anything after that, so I guess we’re done and next.

It’s a shame as I was attracted to him and really enjoyed our date and he doesn’t feel the same. I was really keen on seeing him again and I’m sad now, but that’s life I guess.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry about that.  Next . . .

The search continues.  Happy Hunting

[dangerous]

A thought for the OP. I am like that guy: I used to have big house (& mortgage) prestige car, expensive taste in restaurants and holidays, but now I "travel light":

I now rent, have a cheap car that I like, I ration my spending and work 3 days a week out of choice for work/life balance. My friends and women I date would mostly say I am "sorted": happy in myself, relaxed and confident, fit and mindful (not materialistic).

Broadly speaking when i date a woman, she falls into two categories:

1. She has assets, is materialistic/ expensive tastes and she wants a similar mate. I am not that guy. Or

2. regardless of whether she has assets or not, she is not concerned about my ability to "pay" and she enjoys my company and me.

Category 1, the relationship does not start or develop. Category 2 is worth the investment, mutually,  

Edited October 26, 2020 by dangerous

[SumGuy]

On 10/21/2020 at 4:26 AM, MissPinkEyes said:

You are probably right. 

I feel like a guy for me would be someone that also has his own house, is ambitious, has life and business goals, wants the best life has to offer, etc. But also is a nice guy.

The thing with this guy is that he is a nice guy and soooooo different from most men in OLD, that I wonder if I am making a mistake telling him that after only one date and should see him again more times.

They are only dates, so what do you have to lose with a couple more?  If he is the kind of guy who gets bent out of shape that you dated him three times then you "break up" forget him. 

You have goals and drive, doesn't mean he couldn't be the kind of guy who is happy to go along for the ride, support you, travel with you etc.  In fact, it might work well as his life goals are not in conflict with yours...he just seems to have a bit of the everyday, simple pleasures are the best way of being.  In my view, the best things that life has to offer are not material things or tourism.

[Miss Spider]

It’s fine to have differences as long as you both respect them. You don’t. Incompatible.