MissPinkEyes Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) I met this guy online and there was an instant connection. We spoke on the phone and then met in person and got along really well. He is a nice guy with values and is respectful, also looking for something serious. Very different from the majority of guys on OLD. The thing that concerns me about him is I feel we are different in terms of life mindset, lifestyle and goals. I have my own business which became successful the last years, just bought a house and I love to travel to nice places and have a lot of life and business goals. He on the other hand, got divorced 3 years ago, and went back to live with his parents. His job is a bus driver (nothing wrong with it), and he seems to not have much ambition or business and life goals. He is a happy person and at peace with himself, but I worry if this different lifestyles and mindset we have would cause trouble in the future? I don't want someone that would limit my goals (I've had that happened with a guy in the past). We're only in early dating stages, so it's not that we are getting into a serious relationship immediately, but I don't want to waste my time with someone I don't see potential. What do you think? Thank you. Edited October 21, 2020 by MissPinkEyes
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 Ok, it's been one date and you already know that there is nothing in common and no reason to go further. He may be a nice guy but it's better to tell him you're not a good match, so both of you can move forward. 4
Author MissPinkEyes Posted October 21, 2020 Author Posted October 21, 2020 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok, it's been one date and you already know that there is nothing in common and no reason to go further. He may be a nice guy but it's better to tell him you're not a good match, so both of you can move forward. You are probably right. I feel like a guy for me would be someone that also has his own house, is ambitious, has life and business goals, wants the best life has to offer, etc. But also is a nice guy. The thing with this guy is that he is a nice guy and soooooo different from most men in OLD, that I wonder if I am making a mistake telling him that after only one date and should see him again more times.
basil67 Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 I will play Devil's Advocate and ask if the two of you could compliment each other. Sometimes the person who's 'go go go' can do with learning to slow down and smell the flowers at times. And the one who's really laid back can do well with a bit of a push. A relationship with a guy who's just as ambitious as you could equally go bust because both prioritise their career and move apart as promotions require it. But your lovely bus driver could pick up stumps and move anywhere with you. 4 2
schlumpy Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) I think that no matter who you date unless they are OK with you doing exactly what you want you will feel limited. If they are too ambitious and motivated instead or a romantic relationship it becomes a competition. Turn this around and how do you know you won't be limiting your potential SO? You state he seems pretty happy with his life and is content. How many of us long to reach that state of nirvana? How long will it last with you introducing him to the joys of the eighty hour work week? Have you revealed your views on life and relationships to him yet? It's very possible if you do, he may call it quits also. I don't think one date is enough to make the call you are trying to make. Think about who you were just five years ago. Are you that person today? It's very possible that ten years from now you will look back on this guy as an oasis in a dating desert compared to what you ended up with. I think you should give it a chance. Don't force anything and let him know who you really are early on so he know what to expect. Don't make him read your mind. If he is pleasant company why move past that at this point. Edited October 21, 2020 by schlumpy 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 Burn out with OLD often comes from poor screening. It may seem intuitive to open parameters this wide for more matches, but unfortunately it just creates more clutter, more confusion and more wasting time. That in turn creates the burn out. 2
Maldives Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 I don't think there is the perfect persons or match out there still we should never settle. It's up to you depends how much weight you put on this welll key difference for you. It'd be a shame to let someone so nice slip through the cracks. You could find someone that ticks that box but you may not connect or they may not be so nice this is all just heresay but you get my point. Totally your choice it seems like it's a big deal for you and that counts for something and you should probably listen to your gut on this one
Calmandfocused Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 My view is that you should give this a bit more of a chance. You don’t want someone exactly the same as you. You want someone who compliments you and your lifestyle and you theirs. The biggest turn off for me would be that he lives with his parents. However, presumably this is a temporary arrangement and one that is likley to change at some point. If you like him and you connect well, see him some more and see how it goes. 1
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 I believe many aspiring ambitious women need a "wife", someone who has their back, someone to support them, someone who will drop everything for the greater good, someone who is their greatest ally and who will sort out all those personal messes life tends to throw.. I think a "wife" is definitely an advantage many striving women lack. Ambitious, women tend to seek out ambitious men and that man is usually out for himself, he has no time or desire to support anyone. He usually expects his wife to take up the slack. It then becomes a competition, neither can really win. She feels under pressure to "give in" or even give up, he feels she should be supporting him... Your happy, contented, stable bus driver may be exactly what you need. 2
Author MissPinkEyes Posted October 21, 2020 Author Posted October 21, 2020 Thank you so much guys for your insights. My intuition is telling me I am scared because of my past experiences: I dated a guy many years who his priority was his career and he was not romantic or knew how to connect emotionally. It was devastating for me, so I do not want another one like him. I also met a guy on OLD a month ago, very similar lifestyle and goals than me, but then he invited me for dinner for the second date and totally forgot about it, because he was so busy with his business meetings and clients... I don't work 80 hour per week either, I love my business and my work but I also prioritise my family time, hobbies, rest, etc. I will not give up just now and will give this guy a chance. He makes me feel really good next to him, so that is something to look into. 2
clia Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 5 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said: I have my own business which became successful the last years, just bought a house and I love to travel to nice places and have a lot of life and business goals. He on the other hand, got divorced 3 years ago, and went back to live with his parents. His job is a bus driver (nothing wrong with it), and he seems to not have much ambition or business and life goals. You really have nothing to lose by going on a few more dates with him to try to feel things out more. I wouldn't say it can't work, but you need to really think about your expectations regarding the relationship. It's great that he's a nice guy (and maybe that outweighs other things), but look clearly at your reality if you enter a long term relationship with him. You will be the major breadwinner, if you want to travel to nice places, you will be the one picking up the tab for both of you, etc. You might start to find him uninspiring and dull, if you have a lot of ambition and goals and he's content to sit on the couch watching football and eating pizza (or whatever, you know what I mean).
Author MissPinkEyes Posted October 21, 2020 Author Posted October 21, 2020 1 minute ago, clia said: You really have nothing to lose by going on a few more dates with him to try to feel things out more. I wouldn't say it can't work, but you need to really think about your expectations regarding the relationship. It's great that he's a nice guy (and maybe that outweighs other things), but look clearly at your reality if you enter a long term relationship with him. You will be the major breadwinner, if you want to travel to nice places, you will be the one picking up the tab for both of you, etc. You might start to find him uninspiring and dull, if you have a lot of ambition and goals and he's content to sit on the couch watching football and eating pizza (or whatever, you know what I mean). Yes that is exactly my concern. If it doesn't work on the long term. I can work on the short term while we are excited with each other, but what about the long term potential? I am used to 5 star hotels and love comfort and luxury. He goes camping for holidays. I mean, I also like camping, but not every single time I go on holidays. I do have a lot of ambition and goals, and although I also like to sit on the sofa eating pizza, I want to do other things too. Well I'll go on a fee more dates with him and see how it goes.
Fletch Lives Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 Welcome to goldigging and the world's greatest cat-and-mouse game, dating. I can't blame women for wanting a guy to earn as much or more than they do....... get somebody who is better than you and you'll have less problems. But if you are doing well, your dating pool is going to be small with that attitude. All I'm going to say is, the real important things that make someone a catch are things like mutual attraction, good attitudes, sanity, and integrity. 5-star hotels are fun, but those and money can't buy you love. 1
notbroken Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 This is a small issue today. It won't get smaller. It'll grow. Eventually when the 'doldrums' settle into your relationship after a few years it will be the even larger. That said, no one is perfect. You didn't like "Mr Ambitious' either. Decide if you can live with him not wanting to be President of the Bank. If you can't then move on. If you can, don't punish yourself or him for it later. 1
carhill Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 OP, some questions.. 1. Have you been married? If yes, how did that go? Recovery after divorce? I mention this because of the gentleman being divorced three years.... 2. If you had to prioritize compatibility factors in a romantic partner, how would you list them? 3. What is your relationship goal? Relationships are a wonderfully delicious area to be as discriminating and even discriminatory as one would love to be; any perspective is completely valid. The main elasticity is in the size of one's dating pool based on one's assets and requirements/preferences. Don't settle!
mark clemson Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 7 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said: He is a happy person and at peace with himself, but I worry if this different lifestyles and mindset we have would cause trouble in the future? I don't want someone that would limit my goals (I've had that happened with a guy in the past). We're only in early dating stages, so it's not that we are getting into a serious relationship immediately, but I don't want to waste my time with someone I don't see potential. What do you think? Thank you. I think in the long term, continuing a relationship with someone is a choice. No partners are perfect, each will have advantages and disadvantages. Also both you AND the partner slowly change over time (that does NOT of course mean he'll suddenly develop lots of ambition, although I could see "getting used to" 5 star hotels esp. if honey is paying). If you really don't think you'll be happy with this guy, why are you going on second dates? Sometimes having a partner with different characteristics helps "round us out". Or is just that you feel like you need somebody? IMO there's nothing wrong with "settling" and I have read that it's in fact how many successful marriages and families actually get made. The trick IMO is to settle for "pretty good", not just "anything". (And of course even a "perfect" partner changes over time.) What do you actually want? Look within. 1
boymommy Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 I think you should try for another few dates and go from there. My take is that you might not have different midsets/goals but perhaps different timelines for doing things? (You being faster then him or more of a long term planner then him, ect) These are things you find out by dating and getting to know the other person (and by asking questions naturally). As far as ambition in a partner..I think there are pros and cons. My ex husband was a huge corporate guy who wanted to climb the ladder and put career before family. My dad did the same thing growing up. My boyfriend (while he works hard or his job) really does dream or climbing any ladder and always puts his family, kids, me, and everything else above his job. I would rather have that type of person! 1
mark clemson Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: Ambitious, women tend to seek out ambitious men and that man is usually out for himself, he has no time or desire to support anyone. 1 hour ago, notbroken said: You didn't like "Mr Ambitious' either. I know precisely this situation firsthand as my (successful corporate ladder-climbing and knew she wanted to be that in high school) sister married a "Mr. Ambitious" herself. He can be insufferable and they are rarely if ever truly happy. Lots of wine as well as talk of divorces and "after the kids," although they have been together for decades so who knows, perhaps that is mostly venting. He is not "purely" out for himself, just mostly that, as he does believe in providing for his family. That said, the kids did appear perpetually freaked out when younger, apparently due to the constant level of tension between them. Of course they are only one example, there are probably better ones out there, but still... Edited October 21, 2020 by mark clemson
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 @MissPinkEyes Your entrepreneurial success shapes your perception. From this & some other threads I get the impression that you look down on people who don't have the material successes & esteem you enjoy. That is not a criticism just an observation. You measure a person's quality by whether they own a house & how well they are doing in their jobs. That can be a valid measure of certain things but maybe not the best yardstick to evaluate relationship quality. If he's a nice guy who is currently happy & being frugal by living with family after a divorce that doesn't make him less than. You can always earn more money. It's way harder to improve character. When I met my husband he was underemployed but hustling a side gig to make more money & going to school on line to get a BA. He'd served in the military right out of HS then got an AA & worked for years in a variety of dead end jobs, but he was a hard worker. I had a high level degree, a professional license, my own business & 2 PT jobs along with serving on multiple Boards of Trustees. Clearly I am "accomplished." Many friends & family encouraged me to dump DH because he didn't have my same pedigree. I knew a ton of bad men who were concerned with money, prestige & power who had my same pedigree but I didn't want to date any of them. They had no soul . Whether you two are compatible is up to you. If you find yourself looking down on him because he is happy being a bus driver & doesn't need a big house to validate himself, you are not compatible. If you can look at the man rather than the status symbols you just may have something. I will add that as an entrepreneur myself I was grateful for my husband's steady paycheck to smooth out the income stream & of course for his employer provided health insurance so I didn't have to carry my own. We use his salary to pay the bills & my cyclical income for the fun stuff -- vacations, a new car etc. 3 1
ajequals Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 The connection between two people is more important than their monetary value ,I don't even know where that came from in dating ,Lucky for me in didn't exist when I was the dating world . I had nothing when it started ,can't say that now
Giovane Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 8 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said: His job is a bus driver (nothing wrong with it), and he seems to not have much ambition or business and life goals. You say "nothing wrong with it", but then you seemingly continue to explain what is wrong with it in the very same sentence... 1
Calmandfocused Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: @MissPinkEyes Your entrepreneurial success shapes your perception. From this & some other threads I get the impression that you look down on people who don't have the material successes & esteem you enjoy. That is not a criticism just an observation. You measure a person's quality by whether they own a house & how well they are doing in their jobs. That can be a valid measure of certain things but maybe not the best yardstick to evaluate relationship quality. If he's a nice guy who is currently happy & being frugal by living with family after a divorce that doesn't make him less than. You can always earn more money. It's way harder to improve character. When I met my husband he was underemployed but hustling a side gig to make more money & going to school on line to get a BA. He'd served in the military right out of HS then got an AA & worked for years in a variety of dead end jobs, but he was a hard worker. I had a high level degree, a professional license, my own business & 2 PT jobs along with serving on multiple Boards of Trustees. Clearly I am "accomplished." Many friends & family encouraged me to dump DH because he didn't have my same pedigree. I knew a ton of bad men who were concerned with money, prestige & power who had my same pedigree but I didn't want to date any of them. They had no soul . Whether you two are compatible is up to you. If you find yourself looking down on him because he is happy being a bus driver & doesn't need a big house to validate himself, you are not compatible. If you can look at the man rather than the status symbols you just may have something. I will add that as an entrepreneur myself I was grateful for my husband's steady paycheck to smooth out the income stream & of course for his employer provided health insurance so I didn't have to carry my own. We use his salary to pay the bills & my cyclical income for the fun stuff -- vacations, a new car etc. This is excellent advice. And a very good example of how it can pay off when you look at “who” someone is rather than “what” they are. This is also an example of how one partner can become more “successful” within the bounds of a loving and supportive relationship. Something to think about op. Edited October 21, 2020 by Calmandfocused 2
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) You are not a match, move on......I'm like him I like beer drinking /camping and TBH don't like anything posh, foofoo dining etc. He's gonna feel out of place at those charity dinners wearing a tux. I don't think you look down on anyone, you have a certain lifestyle you like to obtain, and keep. Not everyone's cup of tea. Find yourself someone who matches your ambition/lifestyle, taste for the good life. Edited October 21, 2020 by smackie9
poppyfields Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) Ever see the movie "Notting Hill"? If not, watch it, super good and it's about this very thing. Julia Roberts' character, Anna (a famous actress) didn't give a rat's rear end that Hugh Grant's character, Will, worked in a local bookstore making a lowly salary. I won't say more, just watch. And this happens IRL too when the mutual attraction and admiration is strong enough. My sense is it's not. If it were, this thread wouldn't exist. Edited October 21, 2020 by poppyfields
Trail Blazer Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 55 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Ever see the movie "Notting Hill"? If not, watch it, super good and it's about this very thing. Julia Roberts' character, Anna (a famous actress) didn't give a rat's rear end that Hugh Grant's character, Will, worked in a local bookstore making a lowly salary. I won't say more, just watch. And this happens IRL too when the mutual attraction and admiration is strong enough. My sense is it's not. If it were, this thread wouldn't exist. Every chick has seen Notting Hill and every dude who's ever been with the one chick for any length of time has seen it also! 1
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