Happy w/ Breakup. Not Ok with how it ended.

[vwisme]

Heads up...Long post ....

Me (28M) and ex (23F)

My ex recently broke up with me but were really off and on for the last couple of months (mostly her choice to be noncommittal). We started spending more time together a couple of weeks ago and things felt back to normal but last week I decided I'd start focusing more on myself. So I went out with friends, I spent more time with studying, working out, and reading. I also focused on my therapy as I recently started it to grow as a person.

Well my ex got upset that I wasn't around more, didn't sleepover her place (though I dropped by), and didn't invite her out. She called me names for not doing those things but I thought it was just her joking. Mind you she wasn't communicating that week and previously would not commit to any plans whatsoever that I invited her to. So Friday comes along and she calls me and apologizes for being MIA in communicating and if I did the same to her she would be furious. I tell her it's cool and I understand.

The next day after thinking about it, I let her know that I actually don't think it's cool to just go MIA. Even if we were just friends. She follows that text back by saying she doesn't feel the spark, doesn't like me, and doesn't want me in her life. I let her know that this isn't the first time she's done this so I wouldn't be surprised if we got back together in the future. She says not a chance and to return the key to her house. I agree and she says we should meet up on Monday. I disagree and said I'll just drop it under her doormat. She says she prefers not to and we'll talk Monday. 

Sunday night rolls around and I'm just getting back into town around midnight. As I'm getting into town I realize I have a full day on Monday and I don't want to deal with anymore of this. I texted her and let her know I was dropping the key off at her place. I apologized in advance as I knew it's not what she preferred but it was probably for the best and wished her the best. Mind you, she said she did not prefer me to. She lives in a relatively safe area and I did it at a time no one should be looking under doormats. I realize that's a huge assumption but between the time, the place I hid it, and her having door ring security, I figured she was more than okay. 

The next morning she lost it. I got multiple texts and she said never to speak to her again. Blocked on social media immediately. I apologized profusely but to no avail. I (unfortunately) showed no emotional restraint and called and texted her repeatedly). She said I was the worst and to never call her again. I told her I loved her and I missed her but would respect her decision.

This last week has been interesting because I felt it was best to move on. I set up dates to get my mind off of all of it. And I truly enjoyed myself. I felt good despite the finale break up. I texted her and asked her to drop off my favorite shirt that she had borrowed weeks ago. She messaged back she would whenever she had time. I let her know whenever is fine and it's no problem. She made a jab saying she was surprised I didn't show up at her front door (which I never have outside of dropping off the key) but then a few minutes later texted me "thank you for respecting boundaries". I should've left it at that but I told her I missed her and loved her still. She told me to respect her space and stop saying those things. I 100% stopped after that but did message her back saying while we're broken up I don't know why she has to be so so mean with jabs and just being an rude but blame it on me dropping off the key situation.

Two days later she texts me saying she'd drop off my stuff that weekend. I said thanks and if she'd leave it at the front door. She immediately texted back saying that was the plan. Then followed it up by saying she wouldn't be apologizing for how she handled the key situation and it's my fault. Then she made a dig on how she can't believe I'm already on Tinder (she was too but I wasn't mad. That's her choice). I did not respond to any of those texts and left it alone. She called later that night but I was busy and didn't care for the drama.

The next day I returned her call and we got into a pretty heated conversation. She started saying things like "You are the worst" "I'm so glad we're over" "Dating you was the worst decision" and "I'm so much happier without you". I let her know I did not feel that way, that I appreciate the relationship for what it was and was grateful for our time together. I also said I want nothing but the best for her and I hope we both can move on, find people better for us and truly find love...which led to her calling me disingenuous, a hypocrite, and completely fake. She said she had to go and we got off the phone. Later when recapping with a friend, I realized she was being extremely cruel and I was just done with the bs.

I texted her that I was done with all of this and to just throw the shirt away. I didn't need them and it would hinder me from moving on. She texted me insisting to come over and drop them off. I let her know that it was a no go. She called me about 11x before I picked up. She proceeded to tell me I was immature for trying to talk about this through text (mind you she dumped me through text) and that I was upset because she wasn't saying what I wanted to hear. I went off and let her know she was being mean and cold for no reason. To the point of saying things that didn't help anyone and was just a way of hating me. She tried to interrupt me but I had had enough. I told her that I always tried to be cordial and never spiteful but she was insistent on being spiteful so I don't need my stuff and to throw it all away.

She relented and got off the phone. I texted her later letting her know that I needed to move on and asking her to respect my decision not to drop off that stuff. We haven't spoken since and no response on her part. Kudos to her for not dropping the stuff off but still I feel terrible how things ended and definitely feel partly to blame for the drama. My friends and family say that she's toxic and I just haven't been able to see it.

I guess I really want to know is why would she act like this all of a sudden? Last week she started talking about starting a family together, spending the holidays with both of our families, and what she'd like to name our daughter (completely unprovoked) but now this week she's saying I'm the worst (mind you she was in an abusive relationship prior to me) and blocking me on everything but her cellphone? I don't think we should get back together but I always imagined that we would have the character and love to be friends and cordial instead of this drama and constant jabs. 

 

I understand being upset about the whole key thing. She's more than valid for those feelings. But I just don't know how things got to this point of burning it all to the ground and being spiteful. Any insight would be truly appreciated. I just never saw her becoming like this towards me. 

Edited October 20, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Miss Spider]

This isn’t healthy at all. It sounds to me ( just conjecture) that you are actually having feels for her which is keeping you in her orbit as a ‘friend’ and that she is only keeping you there to have company and back up option. Also possibly to feel less guilty for ending it.  Sorry if I’m wrong about that, but the feels are too fresh so it’s a mess. I’d say give it some space like 6 months and revisit if you can be friends 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[vwisme]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

This isn’t healthy at all. It sounds to me ( just conjecture) that you are actually having feels for her which is keeping you in her orbit as a ‘friend’ and that she is only keeping you there to have company and back up option. Also possibly to feel less guilty for ending it.  Sorry if I’m wrong about that, but the feels are too fresh so it’s a mess. I’d say give it some space like 6 months and revisit if you can be friends 

I can 100% see where you're coming from with this. For some context, I was the one that suggested staying friends. She said she needed space and time. It's still very fresh so I'm NC and I'd imagine so is she. Now that I have more space away, we probably won't be friends in the future. Just don't believe it should have ended in a crash and burn kind of way

Edited October 20, 2020 by vwisme

[Ellener]

23 minutes ago, vwisme said:

I feel terrible how things ended and definitely feel partly to blame for the drama. My friends and family say that she's toxic and I just haven't been able to see it.

Who knows, but you kept stepping away from the drama and it sounds like she had double standards to say the least.

Good you are in therapy, talk about it there too. Because of this you said to her-

26 minutes ago, vwisme said:

this isn't the first time she's done this so I wouldn't be surprised if we got back together in the future.

You don't need to be at someone's emotional beck and call! Whether as a boyfriend or friend. 

Hugs and good luck.

[elaine567]

47 minutes ago, vwisme said:

t last week I decided I'd start focusing more on myself. So I went out with friends, I spent more time with studying, working out, and reading. I also focused on my therapy as I recently started it to grow as a person.

What made you decide on this strategy when things were going well?
Did you think this would fire up her interest in you?

[Miss Spider]

35 minutes ago, vwisme said:

Just don't believe it should have ended in a crash and burn kind of way

I know how you feel

[vwisme]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What made you decide on this strategy when things were going well?
Did you think this would fire up her interest in you?

I actually didn't think of it like that. I had started therapy and I wanted to focus on loving myself and becoming the best version of myself - regardless of what happened between her and I.

[vwisme]

51 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Who knows, but you kept stepping away from the drama and it sounds like she had double standards to say the least.

I definitely feel like there were plent

 

52 minutes ago, Ellener said:

You don't need to be at someone's emotional beck and call! Whether as a boyfriend or friend. 

You are absolutely correct. Thankfully I am in therapy and I truly believe doing that hard work will set me on the right trajectory 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. On/off means you're not getting along. You're withdrawing into finding yourself and she she's talking kids names? Block and delete her an all her people from all your devices, social media and messaging apps. This just keep devolving from bad to worse. It only takes you to stop the tug-of-war and madness. Don't drag things out and withdraw, have the courage to pull the plug sooner.

[Ellener]

29 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What made you decide on this strategy when things were going well?
Did you think this would fire up her interest in you?

In or out of arelationship these are things happy healthy people do ( friends study, working out, reading, therapy etc)

[vwisme]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. On/off means you're not getting along. You're withdrawing into finding yourself and she she's talking kids names? Block and delete her an all her people from all your devices, social media and messaging apps. This just keep devolving from bad to worse. It only takes you to stop the tug-of-war and madness. Don't drag things out and withdraw, have the courage to pull the plug sooner.

Thank you for this advice. We both have not contacted each other so I think we've both finally come to the end of this.

[vwisme]

5 minutes ago, Ellener said:

In or out of arelationship these are things happy healthy people do ( friends study, working out, reading, therapy etc)

Exactly. I think that was my main goal. That despite how this relationship went, I was responsible for my life and to be happy

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Ellener said:

In or out of arelationship these are things happy healthy people do ( friends study, working out, reading, therapy etc)

Yes but he also withdrew, was not around, did not sleepover and did not ask her out.
Where did he think that would lead?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, vwisme said:

She started saying things like "You are the worst" "I'm so glad we're over" "Dating you was the worst decision" and "I'm so much happier without you".

I let her know I did not feel that way, that I appreciate the relationship for what it was and was grateful for our time together. I also said I want nothing but the best for her and I hope we both can move on, find people better for us and truly find love...which led to her calling me disingenuous, a hypocrite, and completely fake. She said she had to go and we got off the phone. Later when recapping with a friend, I realized she was being extremely cruel and I was just done with the bs.

 She texted me insisting to come over and drop them off. I let her know that it was a no go. She called me about 11x before I picked up. She proceeded to tell me I was immature for trying to talk about this through text (mind you she dumped me through text) and that I was upset because she wasn't saying what I wanted to hear.

My thought would be to not bother sticking around for this nonsense. You feel some sort of responsibility to be nice, but she lashes out. Then you get upset and reciprocate. Then she tries to be nice again. Then when you are nice again, she starts lashing out again.

Look up something called the Drama Triangle if you like. You guys both seem to need to spin around it a few times before actually breaking up. Playing along with any of this will get you... (drum roll)... More Drama.

Just cut communications and walk away. Don't try to be nice or anything, it will just reel you back in for more of this nonsense. Unless you're bored enough to actually enjoy it, in which case I bet you can draw it out several more weeks. Fine I suppose if you have nothing at all better to do, such as starting to emotionally heal up so you can actually move on to a (hopefully) healthier relationship...

Edited October 20, 2020 by mark clemson

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, vwisme said:

I guess I really want to know is why would she act like this all of a sudden?

This is a pointless question and one that you are never going to get an answer to.  You're focusing on the wrong things.  It doesn't matter "why" she acted like this.  All that matters is that once it became clear that this relationship was over and things became toxic, you should have known when to stop and move on.  Instead you just kept on dredging up the drama over and over again.  Just when I thought your story was over, you come back with "I texted her to tell her that I love her and miss her."  You have poor boundaries.  Once she made it clear that the relationship was over, you should have gotten the exchange of stuff over with and then moved on, no more contact.  And no, you can't be friends.

[Ellener]

30 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes but he also withdrew, was not around, did not sleepover and did not ask her out.
Where did he think that would lead?

To moving on one would hope!

Good luck @vwisme

[smackie9]

Off and on is emotional conflict going on...whatever straw broke the camel's back was enough for it all to burst into flames. It's over,been over before doomsday happened, there's nothing to sort out, all it will do is drive you crazy.

[elaine567]

She is 23 it was time for her to move on, what else was she really going to do? Marry you? I doubt it.
She however made a bit of a mess of it,  off and on, off and on...
Finally she chose off and decided to go out with a bang so there was no going back this time.
Leave her alone,  exes are rarely real friends  - it is just something to say when it is all over...

[vwisme]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Yes but he also withdrew, was not around, did not sleepover and did not ask her out.
Where did he think that would lead?

Hey, I don't know where the confusion is but I didn't disappear. She was noncommittal with plans and so I did my own thing. I didn't withdraw. I put myself first. There's a huge difference and I feel a healthy partner would 100% understand and encourage. 

 

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She is 23 it was time for her to move on, what else was she really going to do? Marry you? I doubt it.
She however made a bit of a mess of it,  off and on, off and on...
Finally she chose off and decided to go out with a bang so there was no going back this time.
Leave her alone,  exes are rarely real friends  - it is just something to say when it is all over...

With all due respect, if someone is mentioning marriage and kids without being asked - I'd be inclined to take them seriously in that desire. 

Nevertheless, you're right. She chose to make a mess of it and I can move on now knowing I did all I could. Thank you for your wisdom as I have chosen to fully leave her alone.  

[vwisme]

41 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Off and on is emotional conflict going on...whatever straw broke the camel's back was enough for it all to burst into flames. It's over,been over before doomsday happened, there's nothing to sort out, all it will do is drive you crazy.

Thank you. I appreciate it and will stop trying to sort it out.

[vwisme]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

My thought would be to not bother sticking around for this nonsense. You feel some sort of responsibility to be nice, but she lashes out. Then you get upset and reciprocate. Then she tries to be nice again. Then when you are nice again, she starts lashing out again.

Look up something called the Drama Triangle if you like. You guys both seem to need to spin around it a few times before actually breaking up. Playing along with any of this will get you... (drum roll)... More Drama.

Just cut communications and walk away. Don't try to be nice or anything, it will just reel you back in for more of this nonsense. Unless you're bored enough to actually enjoy it, in which case I bet you can draw it out several more weeks. Fine I suppose if you have nothing at all better to do, such as starting to emotionally heal up so you can actually move on to a (hopefully) healthier relationship...

I have fully removed myself from the situation and no one is communicating (thankfully). 
I'm reading about codependency and just got through reading about the drama triangle. You're right. The only way to fix this is to not. Just walk away. Thank you. 

[vwisme]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

This is a pointless question and one that you are never going to get an answer to.  You're focusing on the wrong things.  It doesn't matter "why" she acted like this.  All that matters is that once it became clear that this relationship was over and things became toxic, you should have known when to stop and move on.  Instead you just kept on dredging up the drama over and over again.  Just when I thought your story was over, you come back with "I texted her to tell her that I love her and miss her."  You have poor boundaries.  Once she made it clear that the relationship was over, you should have gotten the exchange of stuff over with and then moved on, no more contact.  And no, you can't be friends.

You're right. I'm currently in therapy learning how to set boundaries and overcome codependent traits that I developed. I've learned I'm not a victim in this situation so here's to a healthier relationship in the future and actually learning to set and keep boundaries. 

 

Thank you for your wisdom 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, vwisme said:

With all due respect, if someone is mentioning marriage and kids without being asked - I'd be inclined to take them seriously in that desire. 

Yes but it is common in young women early twenties to want to "play house", but the reality does not match up to the fantasy, so they renege and go seek more fun things to do...
Next time they consider marriage, late twenties, early thirties they are a lot more serious and realistic.

[vwisme]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Yes but it is common in young women early twenties to want to "play house", but the reality does not match up to the fantasy, so they renege and go seek more fun things to do...
Next time they consider marriage, late twenties, early thirties they are a lot more serious and realistic.

Ah! I see what you mean. Great point. That may very well be the case here.  

[Miss Spider]

yes. Onwards and upwards. Don’t worry about her motives. She is in the past for you. Consider how lucky you are now. You are free to do whatever you want. You don’t have to worry about making her happy, only yourself. You have all the time to better yourself and accomplish whatever goals and dreams you have. You don’t have this girl to pull you back and down with her drama. That’s so draining. In your free time, you can see all the girls you want , Consider all the positives. You’re fortunate.