boymommy Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Maybe but boy Maybe, but boy mommy, if it is fear (which as an anxious dater myself, I don’t buy at all) it would be very unusual to bring the person around their family if they put a lot of significance on that. He seems to not want to be intimate and spends very little time with her now. Sounds like low interest. And I’ve known lots of people , also including myself, my dad when he was younger , who have brought a date around family with no other intention than to have a date or show them off. It had no significance I cant speak to the lack of sex or time together because my boyfriend never did that..where he had issues was with communication. I do know that a decrease in sex and less time together CAN in fact be an issue with people who have trauma or attachment issues. Its a condition called emotional and sexual anorexia (like the eating disorder except they avoid sex and emotional charged components of relationships to avoid feelings of vulnerability). This is an extreme case though! So in short, not everyone who behaves the way OP’s boyfriend does is loosing interest. I do agree he may not regard family very highly or see that as a big deal either..thats what I was trying to say in my earlier post. Obviously it means a step forward in dating to some, to others it does not. Thats where communication comes in perhaps? Edited October 20, 2020 by boymommy 1 1
Author Freegirl86 Posted October 20, 2020 Author Posted October 20, 2020 Thanks everyone for your advice you guys have helped me feel so much better! A few things: We are both devout Christians to the point we were both baptized recently (something we bonded on). I do believe this is the main reason for the lack of sex also he’s genuinely a good person he’s always willing to help his family which is why I believe him bringing me to meet his family is so significant. His parents infact have friended me on Facebook after meeting me. He’s pretty sensitive shy and a bit awkward so I’m thinking a few of you are right with him pumping the breaks. He has gone out of his way to help me in far too many ways example my back door in my house broke and he hired his best friend to come fix it for me this past weekend and came over to assist. His lack of communication when he’s not around is what has my worried however I know he likes his alone time as he often bikes and hikes alone. I just don’t know what to do here stop responding let him contact me? Do I say something? His actions when he’s around says he’s interested it’s his lack of communication when he’s not that has me confused
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Let him have space. People need time to reflect. Don't text-tether. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, Freegirl86 said: I just don’t know what to do here stop responding let him contact me? Do I say something? You don't say anything initially. Just sit back & see what happens. Since you are religious, pray for patience, enlightenment, wisdom & grace. 1
boymommy Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Freegirl86 said: He’s pretty sensitive shy and a bit awkward so I’m thinking a few of you are right with him pumping the breaks. He has gone out of his way to help me in far too many ways example my back door in my house broke and he hired his best friend to come fix it for me this past weekend and came over to assist. His lack of communication when he’s not around is what has my worried however I know he likes his alone time as he often bikes and hikes alone. I just don’t know what to do here stop responding let him contact me? Do I say something? His actions when he’s around says he’s interested it’s his lack of communication when he’s not that has me confused So he’s more introverted! Thats very similar to my boyfriend. He was an extrovert in the beginning of our relationship (you know during “pursuit mode”) and then once a relationship was established he flipped to his natural tendencies..that may be what you are feeling! Like you it confused the crap out of me. Similar to your boyfriend his main thing has been low contact when we arent together. This I have to come to find out is what introverted men do to recharge but it can often get mistaken for lack of interest! What you do is respect his need for space. What I noticed is when I respect my boyfriend’s need for space and do my own thing then he comes forward more often. When I try to get him to talk more often or reach out to him at unnatural times then he needs more alone time/recharge time. I in turn find things to occupy my time..loveshack works well lol, home projects, housework, reading, ect. And keeping in mind that in every relationship there are periods of silence and a need for automony. Not everyone has the same need for space! Edited October 20, 2020 by boymommy 2
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Before you get too invested then you need to think carefully about what you want in a relationship. Can you live with his lack of communication, can you be bothered to dance around his need for "space" even if it doesn't suit you? Will you be happy spending time alone or even having to socialise alone whilst he is off hiking or biking or gone MIA in pursuit of space... Are you a person who can fill in time with friends and hobbies or do you want closer contact with your man? If he is like this at 3 months then do not expect him to suddenly change, this is who he is, take it or leave it. In the first days, when love is in the air, people will sometimes put up with almost anything, but if you are not completely happy with the way he is, it can get old pretty quick. Think ahead. If you are a person who needs your own space, then it can work out well, if you expect your man to be your close companion then you may need to look elsewhere. Also Be careful about assuming anything about the sex, yes he may be religious but many religious people love sex in or out of wedlock, so don't just assume he will suddenly turn into a sexy Don Juan... . This may also be who he is, I would make sure the lack of sex thing is sorted before you commit to anything longer term. Sexless marriages are often miserable affairs... I know his last gf cheated on him but why was that? Lack of emotional intimacy and sex maybe. Food for thought... 2
poppyfields Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, boymommy said: What you do is respect his need for space. What I noticed is when I respect my boyfriend’s need for space and do my own thing then he comes forward more often. When I try to get him to talk more often or reach out to him at unnatural times then he needs more alone time/recharge time. I in turn find things to occupy my time..loveshack works well lol, home projects, housework, reading, ect. And keeping in mind that in every relationship there are periods of silence and a need for automony. Not everyone has the same need for space! ^My experience as well. However, as time goes on, this need for space decreases. Again, my understanding and experience. It happens as a man moves towards you. Not all men obviously but some. I think it's natural. There is a slight push/pull but it is not always a bad or negative thing. It's how a woman handles this slight shift that will determine the outcome imo. Space is healthy. Even now, after nearly 3 years, my boyfriend and I both need space from time to time. We understand this about each other so it's cool, it works for us. Strive for understanding versus just dumping. There are some great resources out there that discuss this in great detail. Stay away from black and white thinking or a "one size fits all" thought process. Edited October 20, 2020 by poppyfields 2
FMW Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 If you want to give your relationship a chance and aren't ready to write him off, my advice would be to just lean back from the situation and wait for him to reach out to you. Don't initiate contact. If he IS interested, he will be in touch when he's had the space he needs. Respond to him warmly when he reaches out as long as you're still willing to be patient, but again, don't initiate. Maybe he has something going on that he hasn't shared with you and he's working his way through it. As for the sex, maybe he has some level of sexual disfunction, at least at this time. The main thing is you have to focus on yourself. You don't have to close the book on him, but keep your expectations really low. Watch out for yourself and try not to get any more emotionally invested in him right now or think about plans for the future with him. Spend more time with your friends and on hobbies and other interests. Time will give you clarity. Either he'll step up or you'll know what you need to do. 4
Acacia98 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: Of course some men drag women to see family yet it means absolutely nothing. One poster here said she had a family member who used to take every girl he was dating to family events, they never lasted long as a couple and he always showed up with a new one. He even took one to the funeral of a family member...Each girl thought he must think a lot of me before he is introducing me to his family... the family just smiled... Hahaha. I experienced similar. He actually introduced me to his siblings early in the relationship. And he also took me to a family wedding as his plus-one shortly before he ghosted me. So I agree. Being introduced to family can mean absolutely nothing. 3
kendahke Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: If he is like this at 3 months then do not expect him to suddenly change, this is who he is, take it or leave it. Exactly. OP you're in the early stages of this and he's already managing your expectations and keeping you at bay. That's not a good sign. He's not emotionally available to you. Don't chase a man who isn't emotionally available--you'll be squandering youth you'll never get back. I met my ex's family. They all liked me and everything. Didn't stop him from cheating on me. Meeting the family doesn't mean anything. Edited October 20, 2020 by kendahke 2 1
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