Freegirl86 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Ignore any grammar errors as I use voice to text: I met this amazing guy on Facebook dating literally my dream guy. I think I’m seriously falling for him it’s been three months since we started talking and have been seeing each other exclusively for two and a half months. We talked for a week via text before we had our first phone conversation on a Friday which was 3 hours. He had said he hated talking on the phone and time flies when he talks to me he left for a weekend bike trip the next day called me on his way and on his way back that Sunday. That weekend we talked a total of 8 hours. That Monday we went on a date to go hiking and dinner. We ended up talking for two hours by a river before we realized it was dark hiked back to his car in the dark then went to dinner then he took me home hugged me and left. I texted him that night saying I wanted to see him again and I had a great time and he said he did too but he wanted to take things slow and that he’s gun shy of new relationships. He left for Colorado with his sister the next day ( a Tuesday). Texted me every hour flirty texts about how much he likes me and he can’t believe I’m real and saying he even misses me these texts were full of cute gifs hearty emojis. He gets back the following Monday and we went on another hike date then went back to my house to watch a movie. We were both super awkward at first but had a few drinks stayed up until 3 am talking which eventually lead to making out and intimacy. The next day we did it again and he said well so much for taking it slow. He even asked me what I thought love was on this date. We spent the day together again that Thursday and Friday. And after that every two days before the end of the month when he left for a hiking trip for 8 days in Michigan. I just so happened to be going to Michigan the same time so we made plans to meet at my sisters where he met her and her boyfriend. We drove back together and since this he slowed way down stopped flirting with me so much barely texts me but always sees me atleast once a week. I was starting to think he didn’t like me but then he invited me to meet his parents. He helped me paint my kitchen which was a 5 day project. Invited me to go on a family trip in December, He always kisses me when he sees me and leaves but he’s not as cuddly with me when we’re together but he does put his arm around me and such but only once or twice in the evening. If he stays over he sleeps in his underwear but doesn’t try to be intimate with me or even cuddle at all. It’s coming up on 3 months since our first date and I’m so confused we hang out once or twice a week as of lately it’s been once a week. I always make the plans which is usually me offering to make dinner. I’m worried he’s lost interest but his actions are so confusing I’m scared if I say anything I’ll push him away or scare him off. I read a zillion articles and I think he might be scared and pulled himself back he told me he’s scared of getting hurt on our second date. We both were in very long relationships mine 7 years his was 11 and this would be the first one for both of us though his was longer and he was cheated on and hurt badly. Do you think he’s scared should I talk to him or just let him have his space? All my friends say give him space and he will open up but I don’t get why he was so emotionally open and now he’s not. I’m so confused.
Jazzart Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Things obviously changed a bit. But not evetything is the same as the beginning all the time. If you see each other consistently still, then that's good. If you see each other less though, I'd ask him about the sudden shift
ccas93 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) he sounds like how I can be when I've lost attraction to someone and I'm trying to persuade myself that I can rekindle the feeling Edited October 20, 2020 by ccas93 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 How long ago did he and his ex break up? It sounds like he got a bit carried away in the beginning with all the gushy stuff, and he's realizing he wants to pump the brakes a bit. People can get caught up in the thrill of a new relationship and overlook their own reservations about diving in. Once that wears off, the reality of a commitment starts to sink in. He may not be as ready as he thought.
Author Freegirl86 Posted October 20, 2020 Author Posted October 20, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: How long ago did he and his ex break up? It sounds like he got a bit carried away in the beginning with all the gushy stuff, and he's realizing he wants to pump the brakes a bit. People can get caught up in the thrill of a new relationship and overlook their own reservations about diving in. Once that wears off, the reality of a commitment starts to sink in. He may not be as ready as he thought. I honestly think he liked me too much so he pulled back I don’t see why he would invite me to meet his family then two weeks later invite me on a family trip a month from now if he wasn’t interested. His ex and him broke up two years ago. He told me he dated someone before me back in February I don’t know much but he said she was the only person he’s ever broken up with. He ended it because he felt he was only hanging out with her because he felt sorry for her but in the end he didn’t feel they instilled the same faith beliefs. We’re both Christians which is what I believe made us both more attractive to each other. I just don’t know if I should even say anything about the situation or just give him space.
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Yes, Slow Down! This is way too much,way to soon. You rushed the relationship forward way too fast trying to turn a few dates into an insta relationship. It sounds like you are trying to fill a void with someone who you actually know for a matter of 12 weeks. Stop inviting him over for dinner and sleepovers. It sounds like you are lonely and a bit desperate to not be alone. He's not "afraid" of anything, he's just not as into this or over invested as you are. Relax . Breathe. Stop chasing. Let him reach out. 5 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 6 hours ago, Freegirl86 said: but he wanted to take things slow and that he’s gun shy of new relationships. It sounds like he's on the rebound. people on the rebound act flaky like this. They are not ready for love and often leave you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Freegirl86 said: . He ended it because he felt he was only hanging out with her because he felt sorry for her It sounds like he's doing this with you as well. Stop the bed and breakfast nonsense. Edited October 20, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 This guy is full of it. He pulled the old “let’s take it slow because I’m scared” routine. This gives him the perfect excuse to not put in much effort, and this will be his excuse for wrapping things up when he’s done with you. For future reference, when a man tells you this, the solution is not to sleep with him—unless you’re okay being a FWB. 2
boymommy Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Sounds so much like my relationship! We started off very hot and heavy/lovey dovey. We were in the honeymoon period for at least a year. As others have said, he probably is telling the truth that he is gunshy and scared of getting hurt. He most likely had some bad relationships but a theme is that when he meets someone great (like you) he forgets all that in the beginning because the newness of the relationship and the adrenaline rush of “new love” kind of makes him go nuts temporarily. THEN reality sets in and his defenses start kicking in..all his old wounds come back. He needs to pump the brakes to give himself some breathing room. The best thing you can do is respect the distance and not take it personally. If he is still wanting to be with you and see you then give him time. He may just need to work through this on his own. My boyfriend did! There is a huge difference between a man loosing interest and a man getting distance/needing space (although it can be confusing because they look similar). Just make sure to continue to communicate with him and set boundaries! 4
d0nnivain Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 If you try to push him into the "what are we" conversation or make him talk about his feelings, this will blow up in your face & he will bolt. For now go with the flow & don't talk about the relationship. See what happens in December. Go from there. After the 1st of the year you can possibly have a talk. 3
Crazelnut Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Don't always be the one to initiate and see what happens. That'll tell you what you need to know. 3
poppyfields Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, boymommy said: Sounds so much like my relationship! We started off very hot and heavy/lovey dovey. We were in the honeymoon period for at least a year. As others have said, he probably is telling the truth that he is gunshy and scared of getting hurt. He most likely had some bad relationships but a theme is that when he meets someone great (like you) he forgets all that in the beginning because the newness of the relationship and the adrenaline rush of “new love” kind of makes him go nuts temporarily. THEN reality sets in and his defenses start kicking in..all his old wounds come back. He needs to pump the brakes to give himself some breathing room. The best thing you can do is respect the distance and not take it personally. If he is still wanting to be with you and see you then give him time. He may just need to work through this on his own. My boyfriend did! There is a huge difference between a man loosing interest and a man getting distance/needing space (although it can be confusing because they look similar). Just make sure to continue to communicate with him and set boundaries! This^^! Well said. OP, it's about fear, let him work through it. It's best to remain flexible to the changing nuances, read up on fear of intimacy, attachment avoidant and other attachment styles, learn, understand. Try to not take it personally although I realize that's difficult. If you start questioning or pushing for more before he's worked through his strong emotions, you risk pushing him away for good. I've learned a bit of uncertainty and ambivalence is quite normal on the road to true intimacy and love. All my serious long term boyfriends have experienced it, I have experienced it. Allow him the space and time to work his way towards you at a pace that's comfortable. Do not freak. Rather, try to gain an understanding of it. There are some great books and articles written by reputable psychologists and therapists. Things are not always so black and white. Relax, have fun! Edited October 20, 2020 by poppyfields 2
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 At only 3 months, when he should be desperate for you, he is shutting down, few texts, no cuddles and no sex in fact he is sleeping in his underpants to avoid it... Then he wants to parade you in front of his parents... Something not right here. My guess, he may be gay. He has no real interest in you bar the bare minimum yet he wants to show you off to his parents. "Look Mom and Dad, I am not gay I have a gf..." if he is not gay then he is not interested or he is not bf material. At 3 months he is making you unhappy ad making you question yourself STOP it. Forget making excuses for him, that is just denying your gut, rationalising his weird behaviour. Your gut is screaming RUN. Too many women put up with rubbish like this, "Oh woe is me, love hurts..." when the easy answer is to seek out a guy who makes you happy and dump this loser. Life is too short to baby sit grown men. At 3 months you should be on cloud nine not sharing a bed with a lukewarm guy in his underpants... 2
poppyfields Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: This^^! Well said. OP, it's about fear, let him work through it. It's best to remain flexible to the changing nuances, read up on fear of intimacy, attachment avoidant and other attachment styles, learn, understand. Try to not take it personally although I realize that's difficult. If you start questioning or pushing for more before he's worked through his strong emotions, you risk pushing him away for good. I've learned a bit of uncertainty and ambivalence is quite normal on the road to true intimacy and love. All my serious long term boyfriends have experienced it, I have experienced it. Allow him the space and time to work his way towards you at a pace that's comfortable. Do not freak. Rather, try to gain an understanding of it. There are some great books and articles written by reputable psychologists and therapists. Things are not always so black and white. Relax, have fun! OP, to add, my boyfriend experienced this at just around three months right before we agreed to progress to a higher stage of commitment. I understood it, didn't freak out, I had faith and trust in our connection, and it passed. The result was we became closer. We've been together almost 3 years and there were times when *I* felt I needed some distance to work shyt out, and HE understood. Like now, when HE wants to get married and I'm working through some issues. Things are never black and white. To say at three months, or at whatever time, a man "should" be doing this or that or acting a certain way is quite a rigid way of thinking imo. If that type of thinking has worked well for others, I respect that. But personally and in my experience, remaining open and flexible to all the changing nuances that naturally occur is a better way to go, assuming you have a strong connection and you feel he is worth it. Edited October 20, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Whenever a guy's not interested he's "afraid" or "a commitment-phobe" or "gay" or "depressed" or, or, or. Just wondering how may faux diagnoses and reasons people can come up with to explain simple lack of interest. 2 1
poppyfields Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 I'd also like to add OP that there are men who behave this way when they want out. But from everything you've posted, him wanting you to meet his family among other things, this doesn't strike me as that. But you are the one dating him, it's your call to make.
poppyfields Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 I see nothing wrong or bad about a man expressing a fear. He's human, we all have fears and falling in love and the vulnerability that coincides with that can be "scary" for some people. 1
boymommy Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Whenever a guy's not interested he's "afraid" or "a commitment-phobe" or "gay" or "depressed" or, or, or. Just wondering how may faux diagnoses and reasons people can come up with to explain simple lack of interest. I think its really rare that a guy acting distant means he is in the closet. But it is in fact possible thats its not ALWAYS explained away by a guy loosing interest 100% of the time. Its not my experience nor poppyfields experience in her relationship of the same time frame (3 yrs). I agree that it is often as simple as a guy not being into it..and certainly I have had guys act distant because they lost interest. But there is a difference in behavior. If a guy is loosing interest he doesnt bring you around family or friends or integrate you into his life MORE. He also doesnt continue to want to see you..he actually starts avoiding it or just flat out ghosts you. I could be wrong obviously and a lot will be determined by what she does next and how she handled herself. 1
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 32 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I'd also like to add OP that there are men who behave this way when they want out. But from everything you've posted, him wanting you to meet his family among other things, this doesn't strike me as that. And that is the ODD bit, NOT the bit that shows he really is serious about the OP... Of course some men drag women to see family yet it means absolutely nothing. One poster here said she had a family member who used to take every girl he was dating to family events, they never lasted long as a couple and he always showed up with a new one. He even took one to the funeral of a family member...Each girl thought he must think a lot of me before he is introducing me to his family... the family just smiled...
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 39 minutes ago, boymommy said: I think its really rare that a guy acting distant means he is in the closet. It is not the acting distant per se. it is the acting distant + the poor communication + the bare minimum sexual/romantic attention and then the "I want to take you to see my parents" that is odd and could be explained by his need for a beard.
poppyfields Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 23 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Of course some men drag women to see family yet it means absolutely nothing. One poster here said she had a family member who used to take every girl he was dating to family events, they never lasted long as a couple and he always showed up with a new one. He even took one to the funeral of a family member...Each girl thought he must think a lot of me before he is introducing me to his family... the family just smiled... Fair enough but does that mean every man who becomes a bit uncertain and slows things down is a POS who strings women along? Course not. My bf wasn't, boymommy's bf wasn't, I myself am not! Read about the five stages of relationships. Uncertainty, and ironically it happens around three months in, is not all that uncommon. Problem is, when a man pulls back slightly, the woman becomes anxious and insecure and starts pushing, asking questions. Which increases his uncertainty and he pulls back further, might even dump her. Then the woman gets to scream, see told ya he lost interest! Lol It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just let him be, let this play out. The answer will come in time. I have no idea what's up with OP's guy. We've only heard bits and pieces. It's OP"s decision based on how strong a connection she feels they have developed, her own intuition and if she feels it's worth trying to understand versus just dumping. Edited October 20, 2020 by poppyfields 1
boymommy Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, elaine567 said: And that is the ODD bit, NOT the bit that shows he really is serious about the OP... Of course some men drag women to see family yet it means absolutely nothing. One poster here said she had a family member who used to take every girl he was dating to family events, they never lasted long as a couple and he always showed up with a new one. He even took one to the funeral of a family member...Each girl thought he must think a lot of me before he is introducing me to his family... the family just smiled... Men arent idiots. For MOST adult relationships, they know that meeting family members and/or parents is a sign of becoming more serious or taking a step into integrating that person into their life. Its like “dating etiquette” I think. SO if a man is acting distant but willing to take what is essentially a step forward for most folks..it usually is looked at as mixed messages and its natural to want an explanation as to why. Edited October 20, 2020 by boymommy 2
Miss Spider Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Maybe but boy 2 minutes ago, boymommy said: These are very broad generalizations. Obviously not every man has a high value on family and it means a lot to take women to meet their parents..BUT for MOST adult relationships, men know that meeting family members and/or parents is a sign of becoming more serious or taking a step into integrating that person into their life. Its like “dating etiquette” I think. SO if a man is acting distant but willing to take what is essentially a step forward for most folks..it usually is looked at as mixed messages or possibly some explanation as to why. Like fear, an attachment issue, ect. Maybe, but boy mommy, if it is fear (which as an anxious dater myself, I don’t buy at all) it would be very unusual to bring the person around their family if they put a lot of significance on that. He seems to not want to be intimate and spends very little time with her now. Sounds like low interest. And I’ve known lots of people , also including myself, my dad when he was younger , who have brought a date around family with no other intention than to have a date or show them off. It had no significance 1
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