Classicfiction Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Ok, so this is the same guy from my previous post. I took into consideration the things that everyone was saying to me about the guy possibly having an abusive nature. We talked about it and I wasnt ready to say goodbye completely, mostly because of how much of myself I'd shared with him. We bonded over both of us dealing with some mental health stuff, it made me feel judgemental to totally cut him off when some of my reactions to things hadnt been exactly healthy either.. buuut, here's the thing. Aside from this guy's anger issue, he has brought up gay guys and his experience with other men on a number of ocassions. This seems to happen when he's drinking and smoking. Once, he was being a bit flamboyant and said, "thats just my gayness showing through" and laughed. That time I asked him later if he was trying to tell me he's gay and he said I misinterpreted him and what he meant was he's just very comfortable with himself and can talk like that without being gay.. basically that he's comfortable in his own skin. Another time he told me that he has in fact had sex with other guys back when he was in high school. When I expressed concern about whether he was maybe not totally straight, he said that most guys experiment and are just not honest with women about it. That I wouldnt find a more honest man than him. Another time he sent me a text message about how he wants to get some leather pants. I asked him why and he sent this gif of some rock guys in leather moving back and forth in unison and maybe I was reading too much into it, but it almost seemed like he was alluding to gay sex. Most recently (last night), he was drinking and smoking and he starts talking about how many times he's been to this gay bar downtown.. how he loves going to gay bars because men will flirt with him and buy him drinks. Then he just started saying, "what? does that make you uncomfortable? Does that make you uncomfortable?" And it sort of felt like he was trying to antagonize me. Some other things happened last night that were not cool, but I'm mainly wondering about his sexuality. This guy also seems to not be able to have an orgasm very easily with me which I mentioned in the other post. It either has to be oral or he has to catch me off guard when Im asleep.. lately he has been trying to attempt anal which, along with everything else has put me off a lot. I'm basically done with this man after a phone call we had earlier today. I called him and just very gently asked if he was bisexual. I asked if he had remembered talking last night about how he enjoys gay men flirting with him and all of that. He got mad at me and said he's not bisexual and not gay that he's 100% straight and that Im not going to get the answer that Im looking for. I said, look.. you've brought this up more than a few times and I don't want to end up as someone's beard. He said the only reason he likes attention from gay guys is because he finds it very flattering. He then said if I can't let things like this go, then thats my problem and that he had to get off the phone. So, is this man being honest with me or himself? He does have a child and was previously married... Am I being groomed to be his cover??
Wiseman2 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 45 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: Another time he told me that he has in fact had sex with other guys back when he was in high school. I being groomed to be his cover?? Aside from being a first class idiot, he's on the down low, so does not identify as bi or gay. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He's abusive and a drinking smoking loser. Get tested for STDs.
FMW Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Yes, he's gay. Some (most?) men are very hard line heterosexual. Some men might be a little curious, but still prefer to be with women. This guy seems pretty immersed in the subject, I don't think there's any room for doubt. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted October 20, 2020 Author Posted October 20, 2020 Ok so at the moment he is furious with me. He's saying that its my paranoia again and that I should be able to accept his explanation and let it go.. that I'm kicking a dead horse basically. He asked me on the phone, "so if I'm gay then why would I be even bothering with you?" And I said that it does happen. That plenty of gay and bisexual men marry women for whatever reason. His response to that was thats a made up thing mostly and just fake online propaganda. I guess my question now is.. why actually would a gay man want to be in a relationship with a woman? He is not religious and wouldnt really suffer any social consequences for being openly gay from what I can tell. Is it for the pleasure of pulling one over on someone? Would being married to a woman make the gay relationships more intense or something? I mean, he does seem to want a lot of reactions already..
FMW Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Regardless of whether he's straight, bi, or gay, you are not comfortable with the situation. That's all that matters for the purposes of this story. You get to choose, without feeling guilty or paranoid, who you are involved with. He's unhappy you're doubting him, you're unhappy with your thoughts and suspicions about him. If you have too many doubts and are uneasy, move on. There are other people out there for both of you that won't elicit so much angst. 4
Maldives Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 No I don't think he's gay. Otherwise your right he wouldn't be with you. It's probably just a fantasy something that turns him on but that doesn't necessarily make him gay attracted to other men. It's just a fantasy which turns him on and stops there ..that flirting thing is exactly that take him at his word that's why he's getting fired up about it. The abusiveness is more concerning tho
Miss Spider Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) Because he’s probably not gay. He goes both ways/bi. Gotta deal with that or move on. Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 When a man is straight, you never have to wonder if he's gay. If he's gay/bi, there are always signs. You've had about a dozen of them. Many gay people are not at all comfortable with an out lifestyle, don't want to deal with the judgement. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 I don't think you are being groomed to be his cover/beard, but I think he's 100% bisexual and isn't ready to actually admit that yet and find a partner who is willing to accommodate it. I don't think you're that partner!
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, Goodguy05 said: It's just a fantasy which turns him on and stops there . It's not just a fantasy: 10 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Another time he told me that he has in fact had sex with other guys back when he was in high school. OP, it doesn't matter how he identifies himself. The point is that he is indeed sexually attracted to men, so asking him if he's bisexual is moot. You already know the answer. He wouldn't be having sex with men otherwise. Mulling over why he also wants to date you (or any woman) is futile. The whole situation is making you uncomfortable and he just sounds like a jerk in general. Rather than asking yourself whether he is gay, straight, bi or whatever, ask yourself why you are attaching to yourself to a man who is clearly not compatible with you. Bonding over mental health problems is not a good enough reason and not a healthy foundation for a relationship. Edited October 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) The bottom line is you don't need to figure out his orientation. "Orientation" is a self-described, self identification. It's not for You to determine that. The correct term for what he has told you is "men who have sex with men", some of these people do not identify themselves as being, gay, pan, or whatever . They could be prisoners, male prostitutes, or on the "down low". Google it. You're wasting your time trying to categorize him. He admits to having sex with men, and that puts you at an increased risk for STDs. Educate yourself on that: https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats17/msm.htm Now, if your obsession with categorizing him is for the purposes of sour grapes, that's just silly. He's an abusive loser so adding " he dumped me cause he's actually gay", to the list won't help you. Get to a doctor and get tested for STDs. Edited October 20, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 Yes, some people have agendas and some gay men do take wives for various reasons........such as political, social status/appearance and others. But I think it's rare. I think he's bi. Or he just happened to experiment when he was young, some people do. Most likely, he likes women and he liked you. And people who are in love and are sane are monogamous, regardless if they are bi. I think you were acting a little paranoid on this issue.
Author Classicfiction Posted October 20, 2020 Author Posted October 20, 2020 Perhaps I have been a bit paranoid.. but I feel like sometimes he does things to get reactions out of me. He has issues with rage and it almost feels as if he's angry with women in general. The other thing that happened that night is his cat got out and he started freaking out saying over and over "thats it, he's gone" and "he's either been eaten by a dog or taken by someone" I was trying to reassure him that the cat would come back for food. It has been outside many times before in the backyard and the neighbors yard. I was telling him that its unlikely someone would pick up a cat at that time of night. Well he starts going to the front door as he's ranting that his cat is gone and I'm following him saying he'll turn up, we'll find him... so he knows Im right behind him and he goes out the front door and slams it in my face. We end up finding the cat and he apologizes for being angry... but when I say that I need to go home after all of that, he starts being passive agressive and saying fine leave then.. I was exhausted and he was unable to see that Yes, he has these moments of uncontrolled anger that gets directed toward me. He also seems to have an eating disorder.. he's very thin and I've heard him gagging and throwing up in his bathroom. Then there's his mannerisms which can definitely come across as gayish. Especially when he's drunk. I agree, his sexual orientation doesnt really matter at this point. I think I needed to see all of this in writing to realize how seriously unhealthy the whole thing is. 3
SumGuy Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) ...moot... Edited October 20, 2020 by SumGuy
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) This guy has a boatload of issues, OP. Why are you sticking around? Edited October 21, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Author Classicfiction Posted October 21, 2020 Author Posted October 21, 2020 I was, in part, because I imagined someone talking about me in such a way and telling a guy, "she's got a boatload of problems.. why are you sticking around." But in the end, he's not treating me right and its not going to work.
Fletch Lives Posted October 21, 2020 Posted October 21, 2020 The anger issues is the worst problem I've heard yet. I know this must be hard for you, I imagine you are in love with him already, at least to some extent (but your love may be fading quick!)
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 If he's said it that many times then he's at the very least bi.
Wiseman2 Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/20/2020 at 11:49 PM, Classicfiction said: I imagined someone talking about me in such a way and telling a guy, "she's got a boatload of problems.. why are you sticking around". Dating is not social work. It's not about fixing people. You're right. It's not going to work so just end it. You don't need to veer off into a bizarre gay stereotyping tangent.
snowboy91 Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 This doesn't sound like the behaviour of a guy that is 100% straight. If he's had sex with guys he's highly likely to be attracted to them, which makes him either gay or bisexual (not definitely gay). The difference is whether he is also attracted to women. If he is attracted to you, I would lean toward bisexual. But as others have described, from your perspective it's a moot point if he's treating you poorly. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 @Wiseman2, it really wasnt intended as a stereotyping. I was very much wondering why a guy with bi or gay tendencies would even want to engage in a relationship with me. Then the question popped into my mind why would he or any other non straight person want a straight relationship. It was just a thought progression.. And if it happens at all, then someone who's possibly experiencing it asking why is not stereotyping. It DOES happen. Also there was a lot of what seemed to be baiting.. which is why I wondered if a lot of it was some kind of mind f**king game for him. Look, moot point aside.. add all of what I described together over a period of months plus his love of the show Queer Eye and top it off with this freaking song which he made me listen to on the regular: And tell me I'm stereotyping when I ask why he wanted to toy with me. If the link doesnt show up, the song is called "Sexy Boy" by Air. Yes this is all moot at this point, but it really did make me feel like a frog in a slowly boiling pot. So I have a right just like anyone to lay all the details out. And I'm going to say something else too. One of his go-to complements is "I like the way you're put together" Baaaaarf! I hope to never hear that phrase again.
Calmandfocused Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 9 hours ago, Classicfiction said: @Wiseman2, it really wasnt intended as a stereotyping. I was very much wondering why a guy with bi or gay tendencies would even want to engage in a relationship with me. Then the question popped into my mind why would he or any other non straight person want a straight relationship. It was just a thought progression.. And if it happens at all, then someone who's possibly experiencing it asking why is not stereotyping. It DOES happen. Also there was a lot of what seemed to be baiting.. which is why I wondered if a lot of it was some kind of mind f**king game for him. Look, moot point aside.. add all of what I described together over a period of months plus his love of the show Queer Eye and top it off with this freaking song which he made me listen to on the regular: And tell me I'm stereotyping when I ask why he wanted to toy with me. If the link doesnt show up, the song is called "Sexy Boy" by Air. Yes this is all moot at this point, but it really did make me feel like a frog in a slowly boiling pot. So I have a right just like anyone to lay all the details out. And I'm going to say something else too. One of his go-to complements is "I like the way you're put together" Baaaaarf! I hope to never hear that phrase again. Firstly I have to tell you this made me smile and brought back some memories for me- There was a series in the U.K. in the 90s called “Queer as Folk” and this song was it’s theme tune. Good song! Great series! I agree that your man’s sexual identity is irrelevant here so stop asking him. He could have had sex with a 100 men but if he doesn’t identify as Gay or Bi that’s up to him. The point is he engages in homosexual activity and enjoys it. He’s preoccupied with the homosexual lifestyle and he’s preoccupied with attention from men. You man likes men even if he calls himself straight. Stick to these facts. Side note: I also find his sexual interest in you a bit disturbing. I would find that sex life highly unsatisfactory. I also find his general behaviour towards you disturbing I think his sexual orientation is the least of your problems. He’s abusive, easily angered, and clearly doesn’t respect you. He’s forcing you to hear about his homosexual tendencies when you’ve clearly indicated that it makes you uncomfortable. He doesn’t care about your feelings one iota. Finish with this guy and find someone who values and respects you.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 10 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Yes this is all moot at this point, but it really did make me feel like a frog in a slowly boiling pot. So I have a right just like anyone to lay all the details out. Have you finally ended it with him, then? 1
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