Am I anxious for no reason or not over my boyfriends controlling behavior?

[Cloudyskies9999]

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year and we deeply care for each other. However there’s one thing that’s really consistent and that is from time to time he could be controlling and states his opinion even if sometimes that opinion comes off as being hurtful and or insensitive. I can go to a lot of examples but I suppose what just happened the other day is a good one. He really loves to golf through the entire year or even with cold weather.
 

He started teaching me to golf as soon as I met him over a year ago even though I wasn’t totally thrilled about it but I was willing to learn it because it’s something we can do together. Over the winter we didn’t go but then again this past spring as soon as the golf course is open to June that’s pretty much what we did every weekend weather permitting.  Even on my birthday in late July he took me away on a golf vacation and yes we played golf all the days we were all three days we were there.
 

So yesterday it was nice weather and he said let’s go golfing. OK I went golfing and he just had bought me a new pair of golf clubs which is very lovely and generous but I don’t necessarily put it on my wish list. We were due to go to a dinner on the early side and even though we got started very early golfing I kept saying to him that we better leave by a certain time to get home and be ready. He said come on let’s just finish 18 rounds it will be OK. But I was a nervous wreck saying that we could be running late. We did manage to finish golf  but a little bit late and had to rush home and barely had enough time to get ready to go to the restaurant. Once we got to the restaurant  he sort of made fun of me and said oh you rushed me see I told you we would have plenty of time.
 

He’s a very loving and caring person but  I do get concerned about his controlling nature because that has been prevalent since the beginning of the relationship and while I’m pretty easy-going it’s starting to get on my nerves a bit. When I suggested the restaurant yesterday he said you know this place is really expensive so I said don’t worry about it I’ll pay for it plus I would like to invite my adult son with us. Coincidentally, I already paid for the golf so he paid for nothing yesterday but I don’t count pennies so that I could let go.
 

Again this may not seem like a big deal but to me it’s an indicator of the need to control. I just intended to date him none of this would be a problem. Another example happened two weeks ago when I drove to his home out of state to spend the weekend up there. Once I got up there I suggested that perhaps we take a nice ride one of the three days I was up there add to a beautiful little area near his home. Instead he said come on let’s golf because the golf course is right around the corner from his home so we golfed two of the three days I was there and on the third day it rained anyway so I drove home mid afternoon. I understand golf has been a good activity given the pandemic but I do have a pool and like to swim so I only got him in the pool a few times this season. Rest the weekends we played golf even in the extreme heat. We played only nine holes almost all the time so it was somewhat doable. However, does that really excuse him or am I with somebody that will only do what he wants to do?

[boymommy]

I dont get control out of any of that..what I do get is that you arent really asserting yourself in a healthy way.

If you dont want to go golfing all of the time then tell him. If you want it be more even as far as paying for dates then speak up. If you dont want to always be driving to visit him, say so. If his jokes bother you, tell him how you feel. 
 

If you just go with the flow, then he doesnt know anything is wrong and nothing will ever get worked out. The issue here is lack of communication, not control. 

Edited October 19, 2020 by boymommy

[d0nnivain]

I suspect he thinks you enjoy all this golf which is why he bought you clubs & took you on a golf vacation.  He's not controlling.  You just aren't speaking up.  If you don't want to play golf send him off on his own.  

[elaine567]

He is one of these guys who is obsessed with playing golf and if you didn't play, you would be the archetypal "golf widow.".
He has no interest in going for dinner or going for a ride, so he ignores your input and keeps playing golf...
If you stop playing, I guess you will be left on your own, waiting for him to finish the game...

Yes you could go exploring on your own when he is playing golf every day, but when the whole point of having a companion is enjoying companionship, then what would be the point?

[Ruby Slippers]

You're going along with all his plans but you don't seem to be asserting your own wishes, desires, and needs. Venture a guess as to why you're doing this?

[SumGuy]

I wouldn't say he is controlling you at all, maybe ignoring you and not hearing you.   Of course being ignored and unheard are not good either.

[Wiseman2]

Tiger Woods wannabe with a bad  attitude. When he acts like a jerk , just call him Tiger".

[elaine567]

35 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I wouldn't say he is controlling you at all, maybe ignoring you and not hearing you.   Of course being ignored and unheard are not good either.

Ignoring and not listening to them, is exactly how some men control women.
One doesn't need to shout and scream to get one's own way and control the narrative, one just needs to present an unmovable force.
My guess the OP has tried to assert herself, to be met with  being ignored.
Instead of setting aside a day to look at the area, it was golf golf golf...
Now he is getting her to pay for everything... 
Yes she needs to stand up for herself, but I guess it will not go down too well...

[kendahke]

It's time for you to start learning how to use the word "no" when he suggests you two both go golfing.

If he gets mad, then let him go hook his shots to the left for an afternoon with his boys.

I like to golf, too, but I'd get sick of doing it every dang weekend and not doing anything that you want to do.  I'd actually say something to him about that--and how that's now causing you to not want to spend weekends with him if he's going to be like that.

At the end of the day, you don't have to date him if he's like this.

[escapedmelody]

He's not controlling, but he is inconsiderate...especially when you said that you guys did nothing but golf on your birthday, and that he didn't pay for anything that one time you guys went golfing and to dinner. As everyone else has said, tell him how you feel about not wanting to golf all the time. If his jokes bother you, tell him that they do. It's hard to be assertive, but it feels good once you do it because you're showing yourself (and your boyfriend, or whoever it is) that you're not a pushover and that you have the right to set boundaries for yourself. If your boyfriend gets mad about you not wanting to golf, is he really someone you want to be with? You can do it! Speak your mind.

[boymommy]

31 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ignoring and not listening to them, is exactly how some men control women.
One doesn't need to shout and scream to get one's own way and control the narrative, one just needs to present an unmovable force.
My guess the OP has tried to assert herself, to be met with  being ignored.
Instead of setting aside a day to look at the area, it was golf golf golf...
Now he is getting her to pay for everything... 
Yes she needs to stand up for herself, but I guess it will not go down too well...

Seems like he is a little more self absorbed and golf obsessed then controlling..she was worried about being late for dinner, and he was more concerned about getting his 18 holes in! 

She didnt specify if she tried to assert her needs other then telling him they were going to be late for dinner and him not really being concerned. Perhaps he doesn't value staying on a schedule like she does? Again not really controlling, just not very schedule oriented. Possibly an issue of compatibility though if it comes up a lot! 

She offered to pay after he specified the restaurant was expensive that SHE suggested...and she said she let it go even though it bothered her that she paid for both golf and dinner. That's on her though. My take it's both of him. He seems a little set in his own ways, and she's too passive. They need to communicate a little better and compromise. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Cloudyskies9999 said:

We played only nine holes almost all the time so it was somewhat doable. However, does that really excuse him or am I with somebody that will only do what he wants to do?

I genuinely don't understand why you're with this guy and why you're only beginning to get slightly irritated at his behavior. 

It rather sounds like he's in a relationship with golf and you're just the nice lady who visits him and buys him dinner. What are you actually getting out of this?

Even if you were to assert yourself and put your foot down more, who wants to be in a relationship where they have to constantly "fight" to be treated like they matter?

Edited October 19, 2020 by Acacia98

[FMW]

I don't think he's controlling.  He only wants to do what he wants to do, and for the past year you've been going along with what he wants.  

I agree with elaine567 that if you do start saying no, he'll go anyway.  But I definitely think you need to find out.  Maybe he'll be more sensitive to what you want, but I'm guessing what will happen is you'll find out golf ranks as a higher priority in his life than you.    

Unless you want things to continue this way, start saying no.

[MsJayne]

The real question is, if you refuse to spend so much of your time playing the game that he loves, will the relationship suffer? Because if the answer's yes maybe it's time to let him play golf on his own and you could go off and spend your leisure time doing things you enjoy. The way you're going you could end up marrying this guy and spending your honeymoon touring golf courses. Speak up now and tell him what a bore he is. I got bored with him just reading about his golf habit. 

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Ignoring and not listening to them, is exactly how some men control women.
One doesn't need to shout and scream to get one's own way and control the narrative, one just needs to present an unmovable force.
My guess the OP has tried to assert herself, to be met with  being ignored.
Instead of setting aside a day to look at the area, it was golf golf golf...
Now he is getting her to pay for everything... 
Yes she needs to stand up for herself, but I guess it will not go down too well...

I stand corrected, had never thought of it that way.   I suspect you are right it will not go down so well, although he may change briefly if she is paying for everything.

[Lotsgoingon]

So there is an issue here ... yes, he is a bit controlling, but not in an obvious pathological way. In other words, this is someone who needs his partner to tell him to back off. 

First, you gotta get clean on the golf. It doesn't work for us to take up a partner's hobby and then be subject to pressure to engage in the hobby with the same intensity as the partner. Yes, partners will indulge each other and try out each other's favorite activities. But what is HE doing in an area of your interest that is equivalent to you taking up golf?

And you're apparently not being clear. By clear, I mean you say I'm going golfing for you and for us. It's not my passion. Therefore, I don't want you to spend money on clubs, and I don't want to stay late in a way that makes arriving a prescheduled dinner at all stressful. If next time, you fail to leave when I make the request, then I won't be going golfing with you. 

So yes, he is being somewhat controlling, but you're allowing him ... I don't sense a threat of violence here. So why is your tongue so tied?! You're an adult, and you're responsible for co-shaping the relationship. You cannot "please" a man by going golfing with him. And if you do go golfing just to be good to a man, you want FULL CREDIT and thanks and gratitude for doing so. But you have to make it clear you're doing him a favor in order to get credit. 

Have you had difficulties speaking your mind with men in the past? Here's the task: speak what you want. Tell him exactly what you want to do and not do. No, I don't want to go on a golfing vacation. No, I don't want to go golfing together. I'd like to sit at home. 

If you don't speak up about your desires and places you want to go, then you are no longer in a relationship. You are just a follower to a leader. Is that what you want? Drop the fantasy that it's your job to golf with this guy. No, it's not. 

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I got bored with him just reading about his golf habit. 

Same. I thought... this relationship sounds like a tedious job. 

[Watercolors]

We've all had a go at these types of dysfunctional relationships, where we are with someone whose hobby or profession is #1 in their life, and a romantic partner is #2.

He does sound very neglectful in an intentional way to you, OP. He sounds like he doesn't really consider your feelings, the way he brushed off dinner at the restaurant after you paid for the 18-hole golf game and paid for dinner. He's taking advantage of you, and you're allowing him to. The question is: why are you letting him bulldoze you this way? If he is so loving and so kind, why are you afraid to assert your boundaries with him?

When we are with partners who put their needs before ours, its called, codependency. Here's the difference between dependence and codependency:
 

Quote

 

It is important to know the difference between depending on another person — which can be a positive and desirable trait — and codependency, which is harmful.

The following are some examples that illustrate the difference:

Dependent: Two people rely on each other for support and love. Both find value in the relationship.

Codependent: The codependent person feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making drastic sacrifices for — the enabler. The enabler gets satisfaction from getting their every need met by the other person.

The codependent is only happy when making extreme sacrifices for their partner. They feel they must be needed by this other person to have any purpose.

Dependent: Both parties make their relationship a priority, but can find joy in outside interests, other friends, and hobbies.

Codependent: The codependent has no personal identity, interests, or values outside of their codependent relationship.

Dependent: Both people can express their emotions and needs and find ways to make the relationship beneficial for both of them.

Codependent: One person feels that their desires and needs are unimportant and will not express them. They may have difficulty recognizing their own feelings or needs at all.

 

OP, It does sound like you are in a codependent relationship pattern with your boyfriend. You don't have a personal identity, interest, or value (to your boyfriend) in this relationship. You allow him to force his hobby of golf on you, just to placate him at first. But that backfired on you. Now, he thinks you love golf as much as he does, because you don't acknowledge (to yourself or to your boyfriend) that your desires and needs are just as important as your boyfriend's desires and needs are. You are making a drastic sacrifice here with golf; you are enabling your boyfriend by to get his needs met, by dismissing your own needs for his.
 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Watercolors

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you posted here before, OP?

There was a woman who posted a while back, if memory serves, about her boyfriend's insistence that she take up golf. It turned out his controlling behavior extended beyond the golf course but she was more or less going along with it and didn't know how to speak up for herself. 

While I don't see that your boyfriend forced to learn to golf, the details are similar. You need to be firm when you don't want to do something. If he pouts that you don't like golf and it causes an issue, you have bigger problems that your performance on the course. 

[Fletch Lives]

He's obsessed with golf. You just need to be assertive and set more boundaries.

You don't have to play golf to be with him - let him play golf with his buddies and you go to dinner with him or other activities. Or just golf with him once in awhile.

[smackie9]

Find a new BF.....there problem solved.

[dispatch3d]

I'm kinda with the others here - I think you need to tell him how you feel more. eg. His jokes aren't really inappropriate or anything - that said if they hurt your feelings just tell him that and he won't tell that particular joke.

If you don't want to go golfing on your birthday tell him that. If he still tries to make you golf refuse. It's not until the latter starts happening that its "controlling". He sounds more like an avid golfer from your post than anything else.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/19/2020 at 1:16 PM, Cloudyskies9999 said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year and we deeply care for each other. However there’s one thing that’s really consistent and that is from time to time he could be controlling and states his opinion even if sometimes that opinion comes off as being hurtful and or insensitive. I can go to a lot of examples but I suppose what just happened the other day is a good one. He really loves to golf through the entire year or even with cold weather.
 

He started teaching me to golf as soon as I met him over a year ago even though I wasn’t totally thrilled about it but I was willing to learn it because it’s something we can do together. Over the winter we didn’t go but then again this past spring as soon as the golf course is open to June that’s pretty much what we did every weekend weather permitting.  Even on my birthday in late July he took me away on a golf vacation and yes we played golf all the days we were all three days we were there.
 

So yesterday it was nice weather and he said let’s go golfing. OK I went golfing and he just had bought me a new pair of golf clubs which is very lovely and generous but I don’t necessarily put it on my wish list. We were due to go to a dinner on the early side and even though we got started very early golfing I kept saying to him that we better leave by a certain time to get home and be ready. He said come on let’s just finish 18 rounds it will be OK. But I was a nervous wreck saying that we could be running late. We did manage to finish golf  but a little bit late and had to rush home and barely had enough time to get ready to go to the restaurant. Once we got to the restaurant  he sort of made fun of me and said oh you rushed me see I told you we would have plenty of time.
 

He’s a very loving and caring person but  I do get concerned about his controlling nature because that has been prevalent since the beginning of the relationship and while I’m pretty easy-going it’s starting to get on my nerves a bit. When I suggested the restaurant yesterday he said you know this place is really expensive so I said don’t worry about it I’ll pay for it plus I would like to invite my adult son with us. Coincidentally, I already paid for the golf so he paid for nothing yesterday but I don’t count pennies so that I could let go.
 

Again this may not seem like a big deal but to me it’s an indicator of the need to control. I just intended to date him none of this would be a problem. Another example happened two weeks ago when I drove to his home out of state to spend the weekend up there. Once I got up there I suggested that perhaps we take a nice ride one of the three days I was up there add to a beautiful little area near his home. Instead he said come on let’s golf because the golf course is right around the corner from his home so we golfed two of the three days I was there and on the third day it rained anyway so I drove home mid afternoon. I understand golf has been a good activity given the pandemic but I do have a pool and like to swim so I only got him in the pool a few times this season. Rest the weekends we played golf even in the extreme heat. We played only nine holes almost all the time so it was somewhat doable. However, does that really excuse him or am I with somebody that will only do what he wants to do?

 

 

Yeah,  we need to save  "controlling"  for people who come here and are in physical danger because of the nature of their partner's persona.

 

The example about playing golf and then getting to the restaurant didn't help us very much.    For we can't tell if one of you is extremely punctual (which would be impressive)  and the other one habitually flies by the seat of their pants and tells others  "I'm 6 minutes away"   (when there is no physical possibility they can arrive before 15 minutes are up).

 

He does like to play golf though, we'll concede that much.

 

You just need to stand up for what you want...    (but even that entails having something which you prefer, to golf)

 

SOME people, when invited to golf 6 days a week...    truly don't have any better things to do, perhaps doubly so during a pandemic.

 

 

PS -  your meter for "controlling"   needs to adjust... for the sake of your friends and family at such time as when one of them runs across a (guy, surely) who is truly "controlling".