Nocturnal Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 So, my girlfriend of 3.5 years and myself are on the verge of breaking up (I'm the breaker, so to speak) and things were moving in that direction in our talks then out of the blue comes a really long mail (and no, I am not breaking up via mail, we just have a distance relationship and different schedules) where she talks about how she still thinks we belong together, how well we match eachother and all that stuff. And yes, we do match eachother sexually, personality wise and humor. The chance of people matching this good is a dime in a dozen, honestly. But, I am still not there emotionally and I don't feel right pretending it works either. So, how do I deal with this mail? It is like seeing someone you care for struggle to maintain something they hold really dear and I hate to see it, but at the same time, I don't want this anymore. Basically, I'm about to shoot down her plane of hope, and I feel really terrible about that. When we were talking, things were at a point where we both seemed to agree things might be best to be left and for us to move on. But this mail, it troubles me. And I think what's more is, this is my first real breakup because this is my first real relationship. I am not sure if it seems like this post has a point, I guess what I'm asking is, how do you cope being the one who breaks up? Especially if your reasons for breaking up is not that you hate your partner, just that the magic is no longer there. I care for her, and on some level I still love her. But, it's not right for me anymore, and I need to move on. I just fear that I'll chicken out of it simply to make her happy, and I cant let that happen because it will just make things worse. Do I make sense?
fatcat Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Dude, this really sounds like a case of either 1) you're tired of her ass 2) you're scoping out new puntang 3) she wants to get married 4) you feel like a leashed dog But ya wanna know something? End it. Why prolong your misery? If you stay with her, someone's gonna be miserable and it ain't gonna be her. And its not FAIR to continue this relationship for her sake, either. So what if you're gonna be the dickhead who ends it, what if she ended it? Then who's the dickhead? Life is short and you're gonna have to do what "Nocturnal" wants.
Outcast Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Read the very long threads started by Midlifecrazy and Ditherer if you want a scary vision of what your life could be.
slubberdegullion Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 The best way to remove a bandage is to quickly pull it off. Yea, it stings like a b*tch but only for a moment. If you try to take it off little by little it will hurt even longer. There's no easy way to do this. Tell her the truth, in person or on the phone if you can. Then NC. Guaranteed, you'll feel really sh*tty for a while, and that's to be expected. You'll be tempted to contact her. Every song you hear on the radio will sound like it was written just for you and her... etc. etc. etc. Stay strong. Move on. And stay connected to your friends; a self-imposed exile will do you no good at all. I can't stress this enough: go and stay NC. She may beg, plead, offer up promises of eternal blowjobs and infinite happiness, etc. etc. Have none of it. Don't take her calls, don't respond to her email (get a new email address and don't give her the details). You'll be ok.
helena abadi Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 her email opinions are are trying to control the outcome, by reminding you of what you had together. she's trying to persuade you not to break up, which is controlling behaviour and ultimately it doesn't work. we can only control our own behaviour, not that of others. trying to convince makes the other person feel suffocated, and not being listened to. the equation is this: pursuing a distancer = distance. if you want to move on, then take a deep breath or two and Just Do It.
Author Nocturnal Posted October 14, 2005 Author Posted October 14, 2005 Things went smoothly, we talked for a couple of hours until we were both in an understanding and agreement. I won't go NC because there's no need to, and because I consider her (and she considers me) one of my best friends. So unless she asks for it, it wont happen. However, our contact will be more casual than earlier, obviously. It feels paradoxal though, I haven't been single for quite some time, it will take some getting used to. Thanks for all the advice.
helena abadi Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 oh, well done. sounds as tho you acheved a big decision with grace and sensitivity. often doesn't happen that way.
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