PF02 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 I have worked with a colleague for 7 years now, I am a nurse he is a Dr, we have always got on very well and have the best banter and always have a laugh, we have been on work nights out together and always have fun. Over the past few weeks of working with him I feel I’m developing feelings for him the more I work with him the stronger they get, I find myself thinking about him on days off. The only thing he’s a married man and now has a child, I could never ever let anything happen as I wouldn’t do this to his wife. I have worked with his wife a few times, they are complete polar opposites she shy and very quiet, to be honest he just doesn’t seem happy at home, the other week he was very quiet at work and even messaged me later to say sorry for being ‘off’ as ‘things are rough lately’. The way he looks at me sometimes and how we get on just makes me feel sometimes he feels the same. Not in a big headed way at all as I majorly lack confidence and have been single practically forever, maybe it’s cos he shows me a bit of interest and is nice to me. I just don’t know what to do as I know he is out of bounds.
Maldives Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Oh man don't get involved he's not available and there's a kid here as well to complicated and messy 3
schlumpy Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, PF02 said: The only thing he’s a married man and now has a child, I could never ever let anything happen as I wouldn’t do this to his wife. I have worked with his wife a few times, they are complete polar opposites she shy and very quiet, to be honest he just doesn’t seem happy at home, the other week he was very quiet at work and even messaged me later to say sorry for being ‘off’ as ‘things are rough lately’. The way he looks at me sometimes and how we get on just makes me feel sometimes he feels the same. Not in a big headed way at all as I majorly lack confidence and have been single practically forever, maybe it’s cos he shows me a bit of interest and is nice to me. I just don’t know what to do as I know he is out of bounds. You are already a few steps down the road into an affair with someone who is not available except for good times. You are rationalizing that he isn't happy. His wife is a polar opposite. The way he looks at you. You may have been alone and single all this time but what is his track record? It's understandable why you want a relationship but why are choosing someone who will not be available to you except for a short period time at irregular intervals? Rethink this and set your sights on a man that can provide his full attention towards you. Decide who you want to be and act on that thought. 5
Author PF02 Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 Thank you for your replies, I would never ever get involved whilst he is married I know he has a child etc he is definitely not that type of person either and nor am I . I just don’t know how to stop my feelings, I think I feel the way I do because he is nice to me and we have a laugh at work, but there is nothing at all in it. I think I am just lonely, all my friends and colleagues are in relationships/married/have kids and I am the single one. 1
schlumpy Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 25 minutes ago, PF02 said: Thank you for your replies, I would never ever get involved whilst he is married I know he has a child etc he is definitely not that type of person either and nor am I . I just don’t know how to stop my feelings, I think I feel the way I do because he is nice to me and we have a laugh at work, but there is nothing at all in it. I think I am just lonely, all my friends and colleagues are in relationships/married/have kids and I am the single one. Keep you conversations to common topics and not personal ones. Sharing personal information with someone is a signal of trust and is ok with a good friend who has your best interest at heart. You are not thinking of him as a friend. You can't be friends with the opposite sex if there are feelings involved. Don't take your breaks with him and avoid being alone. Remain courteous and civil but put your walls back up. These are simple things that you can do. Can you do them? 2 2
ShyViolet Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 He's not available, so you are just setting yourself up to get hurt. Stop texting with him and hanging out with him outside of work. Is there any way you can distance yourself from him, and stop working so closely with him? 1
Author PF02 Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 It’s very very rare we text if we do there is nothing in it. Due to pandemic we obviously don’t go out anymore anyway. Unfortunately no way of not working closely with him at work, it’s a very busy area and plenty of staff around anyway so nothing will be happening at work (like I say I wouldn’t let it anyway), I just don’t catch feelings very often I’ve got a heart of stone so this is all new to me and he’s a nice person with a good personality, I know he is taken and nothing will happen but I cannot help how I feel. Thank you for everyone’s advice
Fletch Lives Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 After working with him for seven years, all of a sudden you get a crush? He should permanently be the the freindszone. I think somebody is making up stories. 1
Author PF02 Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) Sorry but why would I make this up! It happens all the time people developing feelings for friends... Edited October 19, 2020 by PF02
kendahke Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, PF02 said: I have worked with his wife a few times, they are complete polar opposites she shy and very quiet, to be honest he just doesn’t seem happy at home You have no idea whether his unhappiness is because of his wife or something else that doesn't even involve her. Stop reaching. She's not the problem. She doesn't have to put on a performance for you--and she's probably that way with everyone because she doesn't know you like that. Quote , the other week he was very quiet at work and even messaged me later to say sorry for being ‘off’ as ‘things are rough lately’. That isn't your cue to offer up a shoulder for him to cry on. He just made a statement--and quite frankly, you need to tell him that you cannot be his sounding board. It's unprofessional of you to insert yourself where you don't belong. Stay out of his "therapy sessions". You're not a therapist, you're not a marriage counselor. You're a nurse. Quote The way he looks at me sometimes and how we get on just makes me feel sometimes he feels the same. He doesn't. If he did, it wouldn't have: 1. taken him 7 years to make it plain, 2. he still hasn't made it plain 3. HE'S MARRIED. Quote I just don’t know what to do as I know he is out of bound I'm struck that as a grown woman, you don't know the answer to this. What would you want us to tell this poster if you were his wife? That's what you should do. You don't need us to tell you to open a can of "act right". Edited October 19, 2020 by kendahke 2
stillafool Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 2 hours ago, PF02 said: they are complete polar opposites she shy and very quiet, He knew this before he married her. That is his type. 3 1
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 This happens to most people...work husbands. I have had a few, and it's just coworker bonding, and sure it can be a crush, but that's all it is, and know to not act upon it because they see it for what it really is...a crush. And yes you are getting all goo about it because you are getting attention from him. This kind of behavior is normal. It helps pass the time away at work, and it helps to keep things light, especially when your job is stressful. It feels good to know you have someone that's got your back. This deal with troubles at home, is probably minor. Couples have little rough patches once in awhile. Must be even more tough with Covid, keeping your family safe, spending a lot of unproductive time together, etc. Best thing to do is stop reading things so they appeal to you, that's when you get into trouble. When you are alone, find other ways to keep busy and him off your mind. 1
carhill Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 3 hours ago, PF02 said: I just don’t know what to do as I know he is out of bounds. Tell us about the single medical professionals, and others, who approach you romantically. How does that go? Contrast that to 'going out' with this married medical professional. The answers you seek are within you.
Wiseman2 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Crushes like this are usually filling some sort of void. Loneliness, lack of a social life, lack of a Bf, etc. Just reflect on that. 3 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 OF COURSE he seems more stressed about his home life than he does during his interactions with you. There are bills, chores, childcare and relationship duties and responsibilities at his home. He and his wife have to deal with each other when sick, first thing in the morning with morning breath and hair standing up on top of their heads, be exposed to each other’s bodily functions, etc... You are already causing him to cheat, because this is an emotional affair. 1
mark clemson Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 MANY stories we read around here start with "I'd never intended this to happen", "I'm not the type of person to do this", and similar. You're 100% on a slippery slope. The fact that he apologized for NOT paying attention to you on a busy day means there is already some significance to him as well here. Go read the OM/OW section to see how this frequently plays out. Often it's fun at first, then gradually turns quite distressing. Sometimes it blows up people's lives. From a logical perspective, what you SHOULD do is end whatever this is and find a BF outside of work. That may be easier said than done, but is definitely would make a LOT more sense than continuing this until the desire to take it physical becomes overwhelming (which CAN happen). Then you are in the doo doo and whatever it leads to, which COULD be you losing your job and him losing his family. (He could lose his job too, but from a realistic perspective, I think yours is much more at risk.) 2
elaine567 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 5 hours ago, PF02 said: I majorly lack confidence and have been single practically forever, maybe it’s cos he shows me a bit of interest and is nice to me I guess that is exactly it. You are now hoping that "things are rough lately" means he is about to get a divorce and you can swoop in as his saviour and you both can live happy ever after.. BUT... life doesn't work like that. Make a plan. Actively look for a single guy to heap your attention on and leave this guy to his wife and his child. Disengage. Find interest elsewhere. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 5 hours ago, PF02 said: I have worked with his wife a few times, they are complete polar opposites she shy and very quiet, to be honest he just doesn’t seem happy at home, the other week he was very quiet at work and even messaged me later to say sorry for being ‘off’ as ‘things are rough lately’. The way he looks at me sometimes and how we get on just makes me feel sometimes he feels the same Where are you getting this from? Because he said things are rough? OP, I realize you really like this man but you're filling in the blanks the way you want to see them. It doesn't mean that's how it is actually is. His life might be rough for any number of reasons that have little to do with his relationship with his wife. Maybe someone is sick, perhaps bills are mounting, maybe he's got work stress you're not privy to, maybe the kid is giving him grief - the list goes on. You're making assumptions. You're also making assumptions about his wife. How she is at work might be very different than how she is at home. He obviously was attracted enough to marry her and make babies with her. My point is that when you remove the filter of your crush, you've very little to suggest that the interest is mutual. And even if it were, you'd wind up in a huge steaming vat of hot water for entertaining it. 1 1
Watercolors Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 3 hours ago, carhill said: Tell us about the single medical professionals, and others, who approach you romantically. How does that go? Contrast that to 'going out' with this married medical professional. The answers you seek are within you. I agree with this suggestion, OP. For some reason, you are projecting your emotional needs on to this kind doctor you've known for 7 years. Instead of seeking out the single doctors/male nurses at your hospital. Why are you attracted to this emotionally (and literally) unavailable man? I did an internet search of "why we find emotionally unavailable people attractive," and found this blog you may want to peruse. It lists these reasons, which may or may not apply to your situation: loneliness, you're afraid of being hurt/rejected, you love the chase, you live in a fantasy (not "you", this is a generalization in the blog), you want to fix someone. The blog suggests the solution of seeking a therapist to find out why you are only attracted to unavailable people. It happens. Maybe you are projecting some things on to this doctor b/c you are unhappy in your life?
boymommy Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Married men are always nice to single girls! My married male neighbors are nice to me (I am divorced) since I am “technically” an unmarried female. From what I understand married men feel less pressure talking to single women because they literally have no agenda and are after nothing! They arent trying to sleep with them, flirt with them, get their number, zilch. Its just to chat! Granted some men cheat but the majority just want to talk. Stay away from this guy. He’s trouble
introverted1 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Head on over to the OW/OM forum if you want to get a dose of reality about how this will play out. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Don't be just another cliche nurse having an affair with a doctor. I agree - ignore all personal communication and date single men.
mortensorchid Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 Don't get involved in this for either of your sakes either for personal or professional reasons. First of all, he's a coworker. I have said this before and will continue to say it : coworkers are not friends. It's easy to think they are because you spend more time with them than you will anyone else. Be nice, not too nice with them. Stay at a distance and don't share too many things about yourself. But we are seven years into this and it's too late. Keep it all business with him. If you are unable to do so, then look for another job.
Versacehottie Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 4:42 AM, PF02 said: Thank you for your replies, I would never ever get involved whilst he is married I know he has a child etc he is definitely not that type of person either and nor am I . I just don’t know how to stop my feelings, I think I feel the way I do because he is nice to me and we have a laugh at work, but there is nothing at all in it. I think I am just lonely, all my friends and colleagues are in relationships/married/have kids and I am the single one. you have put a lot of emphasis on the fact that you are single. I actually think that's a big part of why you think his attention is special and means a lot more than it probably does. If you want a solution to "stop thinking about him", it's very simple. Start investing in your REAL life. Not the one that is easily a part of your work day, but try to date a single guy and find yourself a real relationship. Whoever commented on the fact that you pointed out that his wife is the polar opposite and he doesn't seem happy is totally right. You are justifying things already. I think it's a little silly to believe you wouldn't eventually do the next step or take it too far. It's kind of already gone too far. If he eventually gets divorced with no prompting from you/your situation, and you happen to be single at that time, then see where things are at that point. Right now you need to live the life you have happily--which is to date single, available guys. You are fooling yourself that this is all magical because you are not investing in your own social life or dating life much at all. Do that. good luck
Interstellar Posted October 23, 2020 Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) Do you have a camera following him around all day and all night to see what he’s doing? because you really don’t have any idea on whether he’s happy or not. You’re rationalizing. So it took you 7 years to develop feelings for him huh? whew!!! you women are tough, lol. Just kidding. Stay away from him, he’s not available. Edited October 23, 2020 by Interstellar 1
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