ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Scenario, good friend of mine sends me a picture of someone ""she would really like to have dinner with you, she is a yoga instructor, a friend of a friend of mine, very cool" Then this morning "please send me a good picture of you I can send to her" Call me cynical but how does someone who does not even know what I look like really want to go to dinner with me? What exactly were the selling points which suddenly made her so keen to go for dinner with me? I have been down this road before with this same friend a few years ago when he was trying to set me up with people and it was always like I was sold as some sort of pity project and I wont lie I felt quite bad about that because what happened was I would meet this people and from minute 1 I could see they were not interested in me and had been "convinced" I was a project. Needless to say these were very awkward interactions which went nowhere and I am not keen to repeat them Unfortunately the issue is this friend then as in now thinks I he knows what is best and loves playing cupid but he is literally trying to match apples with oranges. What would you do, one look at the pictures of this lady suggests she has tons of options and honestly I'd be at the bottom of that list. Telling said friend I am not interested is fairly easy but also complicated because it takes the discussion down a road I am not comfortable with. What I really want to avoid is that 'pity project" scenario and with this I just feel its another one of those type set ups.
Wiseman2 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Everyone wants to play matchmaker for thier single friends who can't get dates.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Everyone wants to play matchmaker for thier single friends who can't get dates. Sure I get that but the whole scenario seems so flawed to me and to be honest when I looked at her pictures again she is far too old for me. The ironic part is my friend is looking for dates so if she is so great why is he not going on a date with her. Its this same scenario all over again. "Not good enough for me but great for you".
Wiseman2 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Sounds like a bad used car deal. Is he trying to get rid of her by pawning her off on you?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sounds like a bad used car deal. Is he trying to get rid of her by pawning her off on you? He does not even know her, she is a friend of a friend of his. Again I just ask myself if she is so fantastic why does he not date her, she is based on looks closer to his age (52) but then again he only dates people 35 and below. I have not sent a picture and I doubt I am going to either.
elaine567 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: The ironic part is my friend is looking for dates so if she is so great why is he not going on a date with her. Because he is not you and you are not him. As you are not exactly swimming in options then lose the attitude and try to think more positively. This friend was always on to a loser as NO woman would be considered suitable by you. You are always looking a gift horse in the mouth. Its only dinner, what else would you really be doing anyway? 1 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 9 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Because he is not you and you are not him. As you are not exactly swimming in options then lose the attitude and try to think more positively. This friend was always on to a loser as NO woman would be considered suitable by you. You are always looking a gift horse in the mouth.Its only dinner, what else would you really be doing anyway? Someone who has no idea what I look like wants to go for dinner. Please. Really. Someone who would have lots of options wants to go for dinner with someone they have never seen never mind met. Yeah. Sure. I know what happened here 'I have a friend, he has no experience, no luck dating, he is a sweet nice guy" Play the pity project card for all its worth. There is no gift here just mountains of awkwardness. Would you really consider this sort of scenario? I am a good enough person and do not need or want the pity of others. Assuming I actually wanted to date I'd rather find my own dates that subject myself to this sort of nonsense scenario. Work keeps me busy and the various work related projects keep me going, arranging events keeps me busy and to be frank I enjoy all of those much more than I enjoy meeting people who are ostensibly only meeting me because they feel sorry for me.
Giovane Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 1 hour ago, ZA Dater said: Telling said friend I am not interested is fairly easy but also complicated because it takes the discussion down a road I am not comfortable with. It shouldn't be "complicated" to turn down a proposition such as this. I think you should learn how to do that.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 7 minutes ago, Giovane said: It shouldn't be "complicated" to turn down a proposition such as this. I think you should learn how to do that. It becomes complicated because I then get teased and I need to then justify why I am not interested.
Giovane Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: It becomes complicated because I then get teased and I need to then justify why I am not interested. Being teased about it shouldn't bother you, and no, you do not need to justify your decision. If your friend doesn't see that, maybe he's not the right kind of friend to have. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Is it that easy to manipulate you into doing things you don't really want to do? If so, this is a problem. Women will notice, and it will make you unattractive. Try to be more independent. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 24 minutes ago, Giovane said: Being teased about it shouldn't bother you, and no, you do not need to justify your decision. If your friend doesn't see that, maybe he's not the right kind of friend to have. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Is it that easy to manipulate you into doing things you don't really want to do? If so, this is a problem. Women will notice, and it will make you unattractive. Try to be more independent. He just enjoys playing cupid and after the last debacle about this a few years ago where I made it quite clear I am not interested in any of these set up dates things went quiet for a few years. Undoubtedly there is some reasoning behind this latest idea. Famously "oh come this club and meet so and so, she will set you up with her friends" sure, arrive at the club, her friends take one look at me, turn up their noses and had nothing to do with me. I am done being the pity project. When it comes to women, I live my life now how I want and frankly their opinion of me in an attractiveness context is completely irrelevant to me. This forum has taught me much and I am curious if anyone would really see the above set up as being viable.
Fletch Lives Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Setups by friends and family used to be the number one way people dated. Why are you so negative about it? You should get your attitude up. 1 1
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Just say no if it makes you feel uncomfortable.....But you are here which tells me you are curious, and hell what do you really have to lose.
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 You really have nothing to lose. Send the photo but suggest to the matchmaking buddy that it be a double date but make it something fluid not an awkward expensive sit down dinner. I doubt the buddy described you as a pity project. He probably talked up all of your great qualities. The lady trusts the buddy's judgment so she's taking his word that you are a good person. Worst case scenario you go, you waste some money & you have fun with your buddy if she's a dud. 2
carhill Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 6 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Scenario, good friend of mine sends me a picture of someone ""she would really like to have dinner with you, she is a yoga instructor, a friend of a friend of mine, very cool" Then this morning "please send me a good picture of you I can send to her" Instead, ask the friend for her contact information, shouldn't be an issue since she apparently wants to go out to dinner with you, and call her up.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You really have nothing to lose. Send the photo but suggest to the matchmaking buddy that it be a double date but make it something fluid not an awkward expensive sit down dinner. I doubt the buddy described you as a pity project. He probably talked up all of your great qualities. The lady trusts the buddy's judgment so she's taking his word that you are a good person. Worst case scenario you go, you waste some money & you have fun with your buddy if she's a dud. He doesn't even know her, she is a friend of a friend of his. It now also turns out thanks to me looking on social media she has two kids. I have told him over and over I am not interested in dating people with kids. I am very sure I was sold as a pity project because that's what he has done countless times in the past.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Just say no if it makes you feel uncomfortable.....But you are here which tells me you are curious, and hell what do you really have to lose. I am interested if anyone here would entertain a date like this and if so why.
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: He doesn't even know her, she is a friend of a friend of his. It now also turns out thanks to me looking on social media she has two kids. I have told him over and over I am not interested in dating people with kids. I am very sure I was sold as a pity project because that's what he has done countless times in the past. OK. Then say no thank you I already told you that I am not interested in meeting someone with kids.
mark clemson Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, ZA Dater said: I am interested if anyone here would entertain a date like this and if so why. Under the right circumstances I probably would be. I suspect I would not be micro-analyzing the whys and wherefores of the situation, but just 1) Go on the date 2) See if I feel some level of attraction to her and 3) Take it from there - e.g. ask her out again if I felt attracted and see how she responds Sometimes letting circumstance carry you for a ways and not letting your mind go in circles analyzing all the details is the way to go. Keep it simple. You could always change your mind later, but it seems like you won't let yourself even get to the point where changing your mind would become an option? Edited October 19, 2020 by mark clemson 2
mark clemson Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, ZA Dater said: she is a yoga instructor I'm hearing some potential here (IF I was single). Of course that means nothing until you actually meet her. I'd be curious about that, and less about why she's looking to blind date. She's doing that because dating can be hard and she's either struggling at the moment or open-minded enough to give it a try. Edited October 19, 2020 by mark clemson
SumGuy Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 1 hour ago, ZA Dater said: I am interested if anyone here would entertain a date like this and if so why. If in your situation I would jump at the chance (I presume you can easily afford to go on such a date in time and money). First you say looking at her picture she has a lot of options, then come the negatives. Yes age and kids are likely deal breakers for a long term relationship, for you at this time, but this is simply a date. You are getting way ahead of yourself to sabotage this based on that. There are good things that could come out of this, maybe you hit it off and even if long term isn't in the cards fun now may be. You may connect on a platonic level and she may be able to introduce you to others. The worst that can happen, you find her painfully boring and "wasted" an evening that you could have spent online. Minimize that by picking a place you love to dine at or go to, at least the food will be good. Also I wouldn't call this a blind date, you have seen a photo of her...back in the day the blind date was one where you had no idea what they looked like. You have not only a picture but social media info. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 26 minutes ago, SumGuy said: If in your situation I would jump at the chance (I presume you can easily afford to go on such a date in time and money). First you say looking at her picture she has a lot of options, then come the negatives. Yes age and kids are likely deal breakers for a long term relationship, for you at this time, but this is simply a date. You are getting way ahead of yourself to sabotage this based on that. There are good things that could come out of this, maybe you hit it off and even if long term isn't in the cards fun now may be. You may connect on a platonic level and she may be able to introduce you to others. The worst that can happen, you find her painfully boring and "wasted" an evening that you could have spent online. Minimize that by picking a place you love to dine at or go to, at least the food will be good. Also I wouldn't call this a blind date, you have seen a photo of her...back in the day the blind date was one where you had no idea what they looked like. You have not only a picture but social media info. Bottom line is I had zero reason to date. The pic sent was one which must just been taken ages ago, her latest pics look very different, this is typically this friend of mine. The deal breakers are total deal breakers for me.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 33 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I'm hearing some potential here (IF I was single). Of course that means nothing until you actually meet her. I'd be curious about that, and less about why she's looking to blind date. She's doing that because dating can be hard and she's either struggling at the moment or open-minded enough to give it a try. I cannot see why someone would way to go to dinner with someone they have not even seen a pic of, especially when they have options. That just makes zero sense to me.
mark clemson Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 11 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I cannot see why Ok, fair enough. In my case, I cannot see why not, though. Perhaps there is a control "issue" at the root of this. I am ok with exposing myself to "randomness" (to a limited extent of course) and seeing where a situation "goes". Perhaps you are simply not comfortable with that (within the realm of dating), dunno. 2
elaine567 Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 21 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I cannot see why someone would way to go to dinner with someone they have not even seen a pic of, especially when they have options. That just makes zero sense to me. That is because you prioritise attractiveness, not everyone does... 2 1
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