talking with someone from dating app for over a month. but Im realizing I always find myself texting first

[Mystery4u]

7 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

Well Definitely not a catfish that's for sure. She is sick and has many things online including video to show for it. 

Doesn't change the fact all of her actions point to her not being interested.

Stop messaging her, stop contacting her, definitely do not send that long message. Send nothing. Move on.

If she wants to contact you she has your number. 

[Versacehottie]

7 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

Well Definitely not a catfish that's for sure. She is sick and has many things online including video to show for it. 

ok, but she has been definitely stringing you along.  She has no business being on a dating site if she has no intention to go out.  And even if she dipped her toe in the water only to find out that she isn't ready or capable of it, she'd take herself OFF if she was a decent person.  She wouldn't keep herself on there to continue to string guys along and take emotional support and entertainment from guys who believe they have a real opportunity to date her.  Catfish lite.

I'd say she's on a dating site to find "SOMETHING", and she stays on there because she is getting it.  It's probably less straightforward than what one imagines from a dating site: like real dating.  She is probably looking for some emotional connection that bolsters her up while she deals with her real life.  When you are pushing for what you thought anyone on a real dating site is looking for, ie to date, it suddenly becomes too much for her.  I also think that she is a taker.  It's poor character to do this.  Being sick, while very sad, is not a pass for doing what she is doing to you.  Wondering why I or the others care about you being taken for a ride more than you do? maybe you just can't see it.

[Jazzart]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

ok, but she has been definitely stringing you along.  She has no business being on a dating site if she has no intention to go out.  And even if she dipped her toe in the water only to find out that she isn't ready or capable of it, she'd take herself OFF if she was a decent person.  She wouldn't keep herself on there to continue to string guys along and take emotional support and entertainment from guys who believe they have a real opportunity to date her.  Catfish lite.

I'd say she's on a dating site to find "SOMETHING", and she stays on there because she is getting it.  It's probably less straightforward than what one imagines from a dating site: like real dating.  She is probably looking for some emotional connection that bolsters her up while she deals with her real life.  When you are pushing for what you thought anyone on a real dating site is looking for, ie to date, it suddenly becomes too much for her.  I also think that she is a taker.  It's poor character to do this.  Being sick, while very sad, is not a pass for doing what she is doing to you.  Wondering why I or the others care about you being taken for a ride more than you do? maybe you just can't see it.

Im fine with letting  the whole thing go.  Its a different situation than im used to. I think im feeling less bad about it as time goes because its ridiculous how im the only one reaching out.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/24/2020 at 2:37 PM, Jazzart said:

Im fine with letting  the whole thing go.  Its a different situation than im used to. I think im feeling less bad about it as time goes because its ridiculous how im the only one reaching out.

You need to examine why you're feeling bad in the first place. 

You don't know her on any deep level, and she doesn't feel bad letting days of silence pass. Your pity is misguided here, OP. 

[Acacia98]

On 10/24/2020 at 3:28 PM, Versacehottie said:

ok, but she has been definitely stringing you along.  She has no business being on a dating site if she has no intention to go out.  And even if she dipped her toe in the water only to find out that she isn't ready or capable of it, she'd take herself OFF if she was a decent person.  She wouldn't keep herself on there to continue to string guys along and take emotional support and entertainment from guys who believe they have a real opportunity to date her.  Catfish lite.

I'd say she's on a dating site to find "SOMETHING", and she stays on there because she is getting it.  It's probably less straightforward than what one imagines from a dating site: like real dating.  She is probably looking for some emotional connection that bolsters her up while she deals with her real life.  When you are pushing for what you thought anyone on a real dating site is looking for, ie to date, it suddenly becomes too much for her.  I also think that she is a taker.  It's poor character to do this.  Being sick, while very sad, is not a pass for doing what she is doing to you.  Wondering why I or the others care about you being taken for a ride more than you do? maybe you just can't see it.

I agree with your assessment of her.

That said, at this point, I'm not sure I'd describe what she was doing as stringing him along. She's so consistent about making little effort that even the most optimistic person would eventually get the hint. There's really no significant push-pull dynamic to speak of here. The communication, effort, interest etc. are all being sustained by OP.

There must be something in OP's history that makes him able to make such an effort when the other person is doing so little. Maybe he has been a caregiver for someone in the past. Maybe he had a chronically ill parent.

---

Whatever the case may be, OP, it really is okay to stop trying. It's also probably a good idea to learn to recognize the signs that someone isn't interested in a proper relationship (even if they don't come out and say it directly). Unfortunately, many people don't communicate openly and directly, so if you don't learn to read the signs, you could end up wasting a lot of time and energy pursuing them.

Edited October 26, 2020 by Acacia98

[Jazzart]

13 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I agree with your assessment of her.

That said, at this point, I'm not sure I'd describe what she was doing as stringing him along. She's so consistent about making little effort that even the most optimistic person would eventually get the hint. There's really no significant push-pull dynamic to speak of here. The communication, effort, interest etc. are all being sustained by OP.

There must be something in OP's history that makes him able to make such an effort when the other person is doing so little. Maybe he has been a caregiver for someone in the past. Maybe he had a chronically ill parent.

---

Whatever the case may be, OP, it really is okay to stop trying. It's also probably a good idea to learn to recognize the signs that someone isn't interested in a proper relationship (even if they don't come out and say it directly). Unfortunately, many people don't communicate openly and directly, so if you don't learn to read the signs, you could end up wasting a lot of time and energy pursuing them.

We chatted a little last night after I initiated.    I  was  bored so whatever.   We chat well.... I think the worst thing is that  she  never asks about me.   I'd like to chat on the phone once more to see if she's also like that in normal conversation.   Meanwhile yea..I'm still swiping left and right on the apps. Not really matching with anyone interesting or anyone at all though 

[Jazzart]

Hi there, just following up.    to recap,  she never initiates contact anymore...and I always do,  she never asks me questions etc. Conversations is about her etc  but she blamed all the things going on in her life,  illness etc   So I sent a message:

"I know so much is going on for you... "as you said, you dont feel like chatting often.     I'm just trying to my best to keep contact. Let me know if i'm handling it ok.   Don't be a stranger, if you would like to chat online or the phone I'm around"   She just gave a thumbs up to it as she saw it in the morning.    I did contact her a couple days later to say happy bday and she seemed appreciative.    And then brought up the blood treatment she was going to get the next day. I said, Let me know how it goes when you can.  She said ''thanks, I will.''   And thats it. Its been a week and we havent chatted.   

Whether you think she isnt worth it or not, (I know thats the consensus here,)   Anything I should do from this point?  Thanks a lot. I dont know if theres much else I can add at this point

 

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Jazzart

[Versacehottie]

It might be situational where she doesn't want to be with anyone or overwhelmed with her illness but she is really putting in the bare minimum.  

There is not else to add because there is nothing else to do.  You've done all you can do.  

There are strangers on this thread who have put in considerably more effort than she has! All of her responses indicate a person who doesn't want to keep the dialogue going really but maybe feels guilty or slightly appreciative of your effort in the most minimal way--so she strings you along with a thumbs up.  I know you want to help her and date her but this isn't happening now (or possibly ever).  You've got to stop wondering why or trying to fix it with more effort and just tell yourself "not now" or the "ball is in her court" and do nothing.  When/if she reaches out, you can plot your next move otherwise, you should put any more effort into figuring out your next step for YOUR life. Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Jazzart said:

"I know so much is going on for you... "as you said, you dont feel like chatting often.     I'm just trying to my best to keep contact. Let me know if i'm handling it ok.   Don't be a stranger, if you would like to chat online or the phone I'm around"   She just gave a thumbs up to it as she saw it in the morning.    I did contact her a couple days later to say happy bday and she seemed appreciative.    And then brought up the blood treatment she was going to get the next day. I said, Let me know how it goes when you can.  She said ''thanks, I will.''   And thats it. Its been a week and we havent chatted.   

Dude, she is not interested. 

It has nothing to do with her not being worth it, and everything to do with your refusal to see reality. This is not a woman who wants to date you. Stop contacting her or you risk making yourself look desperate. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Miss Spider]

4 hours ago, Jazzart said:

Hi there, just following up.    to recap,  she never initiates contact anymore...and I always do,  she never asks me questions etc. Conversations is about her etc  but she blamed all the things going on in her life,  illness etc   So I sent a message:

"I know so much is going on for you... "as you said, you dont feel like chatting often.     I'm just trying to my best to keep contact. Let me know if i'm handling it ok.   Don't be a stranger, if you would like to chat online or the phone I'm around"   She just gave a thumbs up to it as she saw it in the morning.    I did contact her a couple days later to say happy bday and she seemed appreciative.    And then brought up the blood treatment she was going to get the next day. I said, Let me know how it goes when you can.  She said ''thanks, I will.''   And thats it. Its been a week and we havent chatted.   

Whether you think she isnt worth it or not, (I know thats the consensus here,)   Anything I should do from this point?  Thanks a lot. I dont know if theres much else I can add at this point

 

 

Don’t sweat it now, but just for future reference, I don’t think you should have sent that message.  I know you think that “I am reaching out showing I care and I understand and reminding her she can reach me anytime” but you have to understand what this looks like from the side of someone with low interest. She does not care. She knows that she can reach you if she wants to. That was never an issue. Messages like that often read needy and desperate.

[Jazzart]

I agree on all the advice.  /... the only thing that throws me off is when she said, "if im not chatty, its totally not you.  Im not ignoring you or my friends, im just stressed out"    and the fact shes got the illness etc.  She made it apparent that people get annoyed at her often for her 'ignoring them'
If she didnt say that, I'd be just off this topic for good.  Thats the only thing thats making me nuts.

Edited November 10, 2020 by Jazzart

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

I agree on all the advice.  /... the only thing that throws me off is when she said, "if im not chatty, its totally not you.  Im not ignoring you or my friends, im just stressed out"    and the fact shes got the illness etc.  She made it apparent that people get annoyed at her often for her 'ignoring them'
If she didnt say that, I'd be just off this topic for good.  Thats the only thing thats making me nuts.

You need to stop attaching so much faith and importance in the words of an internet stranger. 

[Miss Spider]

I understand. But even if she is genuinely stressed out and ignoring people, if she says that she’s not feeling chat, you demonstrate your value by respecting that and backing off for awhile. Give her the space that she needs. Pursue other women. If it is meant to be she will reach out to you when she is ready. 

Chase a check, never chase a chick 

[Jazzart]

True.  Well, its its been a week since we last chatted, which is the longest so far

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to let this go, man. 

You aren't this desperate for a date, are you? 

[Wiseman2]

Please leave her alone before she gets a restraining order.