talking with someone from dating app for over a month. but Im realizing I always find myself texting first

October 19, 2020

When I text her, she answers, but she never initiates a conversation lately... In the past however she would send a message at the end of the day to say ''sorry i havent been around.'' But not lately. The conversation is good though. we talk nicely etc.

Shes always got something wrong though, she has a condition, so shes always sick.. I would like to meet in person but I have to wait on that because of her having to get a covid test/results and also some doctors orders etc etc. Might be another month. I told her to let me know when.. Ive always been supportive of her condition. Sometimes she doesnt want to talk which, if shes sick, is understandable

So Anyway, I stopped messaging her first to see if she would actually initiate., its been like 3 days and as I thought, no message from her.

The last time we spoke she was upset about some family stuff, I told her im here to talk anytime. I expressed the importance of chatting on the phone etc. I felt I put myself out there the last few messages, showing I obviously have interest.

The last few days, she even liked my facebook posts, but still hasnt message me.

Anyway, From this point what would you do? Continue not contacting her to see if she has interest?

Im thinking about this so much because we just have so much in common, which has been a rare thing

Thanks

Edited October 19, 2020 by Jazzart

October 19, 2020

1 hour ago, Jazzart said:

Anyway, From this point what would you do? Continue not contacting her to see if she has interest?

Back in the day I'd casually date a number of ladies and, over time, sometimes one would flow out to something more substantial. Prior, in my 20's, I tended to be a more serious all eggs in one basket type guy with horrendous results. Ultimately the more relaxed no rush, whatever happens happens style is what resulted in LTR's and marriage. So, no harm in casual contact, can't read her mind, but ask out other ladies who catch your fancy too.

October 19, 2020

2 minutes ago, carhill said:

Back in the day I'd casually date a number of ladies and, over time, sometimes one would flow out to something more substantial. Prior, in my 20's, I tended to be a more serious all eggs in one basket type guy with horrendous results. Ultimately the more relaxed no rush, whatever happens happens style is what resulted in LTR's and marriage. So, no harm in casual contact, can't read her mind, but ask out other ladies who catch your fancy too.

I hear you there. I'm just chatting with 1 person. I was just thinking of reaching out because it's been 3 days... Maybe I need to be more sympathetic to her situation.. I don't know. We've never met in real life so it's hard to know

October 19, 2020

Hmmmm, I know this might sound unsympathetic but before you even said she had a "condition" I was thinking she sound depressed and probably not in best place to be dating. "Sorry I haven't been around" sounds like someone who approaches life in an apathetic or melancholy way. Idk, I just think if she in in the place in life it's a really tough thing to bring onto another person who is not already your boyfriend or husband or family.. I guess my question to you is: do you think "having things in common" should be weighted so heavily in picking a partner? Also do you want to give someone a pass who may just continually bring you down due to how she is approaching life? I understand if it has a reason. But still, maybe she should put her dating life on hold if that is where her mindset is right now. Idk, I just think if someone has a life-altering situation that unless a new romance comes about organically and/or if they headspace is still where they have something to "give" and bring life and excitement to a new relationship, should they really be on an app trying to make one happen?

Idk, there's a lot in the story you told where I see victim stuff and it being really heavy and you haven't even gone out once! And her MO is to kind of disappear and act passive all the time and use the condition as a reason. Are you sure you don't want to strive for something else? Totally sympathetic to people going through medical things---and my advice would be the same if the condition was unemployment or addiction issues or any other life altering thing where the person didn't have much energy to bring to the table. That's what I see here. This is really only for "starting" new relationships---my advice would be different if you were already in one.

You said it yourself: she's always got something wrong. Has it ever occurred to you that this is the way she goes about coping with life? If they were huge problems (and I believe you that she is indicating that they are), then a rational person would put dating on hold---certainly online or app dating. UNLESS, they are just this melancholy person, with poor judgement/irrational behavior. I guess if her medical stuff has going on so long, she might just jump in, not wanting to put her life on hold but yet then there are excuses right off the bat. If she can't date because of covid stuff (understandable) then why is she trying to do it??? It's a little kooky, no? Are you sure you want to sign up for this? Looks like she wants a protector, giver and/or penpal.

I think if you can answer some of those questions you might know more what to do. Already you feel like you are doing most of the work and getting apathy back. Idk, why are you selling yourself so short? You can be sympathetic in being a distant friend until maybe some of her stuff resolves or she is in a better headspace. But romantically, um no, I don't see it being a good move for you based on what you wrote.

Saying you have a lot in common is using a checklist and jumping to the end. I'm a neutral party and i'm looking at what are you getting RIGHT NOW. That's the kind of stuff for a healthy foundation--not based on hopes but reality. I don't think there is enough there IMO. Are you sure you aren't intrigued a bit by wanting to save her in a way (bad dynamic ahead if so)? I'm glad early in you're testing the "balance" a little. The only thing I can say in her defense is that perhaps she is going traditional on you--and letting you be the guy role. But already you've said enough where I think things are imbalanced BEYOND gender roles. Good luck

Edited October 19, 2020 by Versacehottie

October 19, 2020

26 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Hmmmm, I know this might sound unsympathetic but before you even said she had a "condition" I was thinking she sound depressed and probably not in best place to be dating. "Sorry I haven't been around" sounds like someone who approaches life in an apathetic or melancholy way. Idk, I just think if she in in the place in life it's a really tough thing to bring onto another person who is not already your boyfriend or husband or family.. I guess my question to you is: do you think "having things in common" should be weighted so heavily in picking a partner? Also do you want to give someone a pass who may just continually bring you down due to how she is approaching life? I understand if it has a reason. But still, maybe she should put her dating life on hold if that is where her mindset is right now. Idk, I just think if someone has a life-altering situation that unless a new romance comes about organically and/or if they headspace is still where they have something to "give" and bring life and excitement to a new relationship, should they really be on an app trying to make one happen?

Idk, there's a lot in the story you told where I see victim stuff and it being really heavy and you haven't even gone out once! And her MO is to kind of disappear and act passive all the time and use the condition as a reason. Are you sure you don't want to strive for something else? Totally sympathetic to people going through medical things---and my advice would be the same if the condition was unemployment or addiction issues or any other life altering thing where the person didn't have much energy to bring to the table. That's what I see here. This is really only for "starting" new relationships---my advice would be different if you were already in one.

You said it yourself: she's always got something wrong. Has it ever occurred to you that this is the way she goes about coping with life? If they were huge problems (and I believe you that she is indicating that they are), then a rational person would put dating on hold---certainly online or app dating. UNLESS, they are just this melancholy person, with poor judgement/irrational behavior. I guess if her medical stuff has going on so long, she might just jump in, not wanting to put her life on hold but yet then there are excuses right off the bat. If she can't date because of covid stuff (understandable) then why is she trying to do it??? It's a little kooky, no? Are you sure you want to sign up for this? Looks like she wants a protector, giver and/or penpal.

I think if you can answer some of those questions you might know more what to do. Already you feel like you are doing most of the work and getting apathy back. Idk, why are you selling yourself so short? You can be sympathetic in being a distant friend until maybe some of her stuff resolves or she is in a better headspace. But romantically, um no, I don't see it being a good move for you based on what you wrote.

Saying you have a lot in common is using a checklist and jumping to the end. I'm a neutral party and i'm looking at what are you getting RIGHT NOW. That's the kind of stuff for a healthy foundation--not based on hopes but reality. I don't think there is enough there IMO. Are you sure you aren't intrigued a bit by wanting to save her in a way (bad dynamic ahead if so)? I'm glad early in you're testing the "balance" a little. The only thing I can say in her defense is that perhaps she is going traditional on you--and letting you be the guy role. But already you've said enough where I think things are imbalanced BEYOND gender roles. Good luck

Thanks, shes always dated in the past, many past bf's so I dont think its something she cant handle. I guess the whole pandemic thing isnt working well. I guess i'd like to at least get to the point where we could meet and see if things are actually possible,

October 19, 2020

Also she always replies pretty quickly. I did end up messaging her tonight. She said she was thinking of contacting me too since its been a while.. We talked a bit. Shes dealing with work issues, family..on top of it.. but, yea. another thing is she doesnt really ask about me much, so Im not a big fan of that either.. Conversation is always good.. Could be better if she actually asked questions to me too though. Conversation kind of stopped..but was good...Not sure what to say now

Edited October 19, 2020 by Jazzart

October 19, 2020

11 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

Thanks, shes always dated in the past, many past bf's so I dont think its something she cant handle. I guess the whole pandemic thing isnt working well. I guess i'd like to at least get to the point where we could meet and see if things are actually possible,

Well, you're welcome. What i would say is the past isn't now--where she is at in her life now, her illness now, perhaps her mindset and certainly 2020 pandemic stuff complicates matters. I just think you need to evaluate not what you HOPE she could be but what she is. She's kinda been stringing you along for a month and imagine it sounds like it will go on for a while more--that's the REALITY. Meanwhile, she is probably on the app doing the same thing with other guys (i actually have some weird feeling that's exactly what she is doing).

I get it, wanting your chance. But just cause you have her slightly on the hook doesn't mean you are obligated or even SHOULD reel her in. Some fish are meant to be thrown back in. If anything a month of talking and she can't even reach out to you or reciprocate. I think she's a taker and a complicated person. For what it's worth. She 100% is in a complicated position right now---you'd be crazy to ignore that.

You figure other guys have gotten their chance with her and you want yours. Not a good enough reason and could be exaggerated or stated for effect. Pass.

October 19, 2020

Sounds like way too much hard work, pal.

18 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

Thanks, shes always dated in the past, many past bf's so I dont think its something she cant handle. I guess the whole pandemic thing isnt working well. I guess i'd like to at least get to the point where we could meet and see if things are actually possible,

October 19, 2020

2 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

Also she always replies pretty quickly. I did end up messaging her tonight. She said she was thinking of contacting me too since its been a while.. We talked a bit. Shes dealing with work issues, family..on top of it.. but, yea. another thing is she doesnt really ask about me much, so Im not a big fan of that either.. Conversation is always good.. Could be better if she actually asked questions to me too though. Conversation kind of stopped..but was good...Not sure what to say now

She just like I expected: she's a taker. It's imbalanced. She's so wrapped up in her own problems that she is either currently or chronically incapable of being a good partner. or equalizing things. I'd be completely turned off. It's a mess really.

October 19, 2020

Don't do more as in be more sympathetic, etc. You are already giving enough but your own needs are going unmet. There's already an imbalance here and you giving more is just going to exasperate that and whatever else is going on.

I suggest you take a step back. You might first have a (non-drama) short conversation wherein you state that you are attracted to her, feel you both have a lot in common, and would like to see where things could go BUT you are not currently feeling the same level of interest from her. You understand she has a lot to manage right now so you're considering lessening the frequency of conversation until she's in a better place to meet up and explore the connection. Tell her you don't want to add to her demands.

Then ask her how she feels and thinks about what you've said. Listen carefully. If she says she will be more available, give her a chance. WATCH CLOSELY to see if she does step up her effort.

If she doesn't express an interest now to increase her effort (for whatever reason) or she says she will but doesn't follow through in actions, tell her you're going to give her time to handle her things and you'll check in periodically on her.

Then, start detaching from your expectations and hopes. Check in maybe every week or couple weeks. See how she responds when you check in. Go from there. Then reassess as you go along.

October 19, 2020

3 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Tell her you don't want to add to her demands.

I sort of did ... After she said she was thinkng of reaching out. I said, : i was too but I didnt want to get in the way of the stuff she was dealing with. Then she kind of talked about the stuff she was dealing with

October 19, 2020

35 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

I sort of did ... After she said she was thinkng of reaching out. I said, : i was too but I didnt want to get in the way of the stuff she was dealing with. Then she kind of talked about the stuff she was dealing with

I meant in the context of the entire "talk" I was suggesting you have with her (to soften the fact you are stepping back).

Edited October 19, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

October 19, 2020

This doesn't sound like it's worth it, OP.

She doesn't initiate, no concrete plans to meet, never spoke on the phone, doesn't ask about you - you might want to be asking yourself why you're already attaching yourself to the outcome here and worrying about the needs of a stranger.

I personally don't think she's in the right head-space to date. Sorry, man.

October 19, 2020

7 hours ago, Jazzart said:

When I text her, she answers, but she never initiates a conversation lately... In the past however she would send a message at the end of the day to say ''sorry i havent been around.'' But not lately. The conversation is good though. we talk nicely etc.

Shes always got something wrong though, she has a condition, so shes always sick.. I would like to meet in person but I have to wait on that because of her having to get a covid test/results and also some doctors orders etc etc. Might be another month. I told her to let me know when.. Ive always been supportive of her condition. Sometimes she doesnt want to talk which, if shes sick, is understandable

So Anyway, I stopped messaging her first to see if she would actually initiate., its been like 3 days and as I thought, no message from her.

Jazzart, lemme say this first because I feel it has to be said. You have a right to want a relationship that meets your emotional needs. It's possible you have a background where you had to put someone else's needs before your own and, therefore learned to consistently place yourself second or last. But that ultimately does not make for a healthy relationship.

Regarding your interaction with this woman, I find myself thinking that she does not have the capacity to do something as simple as reaching out to you when you've been silent for 3 days. If she can't do something as simple and low energy as that, she surely does not have the capacity to do the more involving things that being in a healthy relationship requires: for example, showing the other person affection, being interested in what's happening to the other person, reciprocity.

Her limitations may be the result of her illness or depression. Or maybe she's just selfish. It may sound unkind to say it, but the reality is that people with all sorts of personalities fall ill. Generous people who care about others fall ill. And so do people who are exclusively self-focused. You have no way of knowing which she normally is if you have not known her for a long stretch of time. So the question of compatibility does come up. The fact that someone is sick and you seem to have a guilty conscience is not in and of itself a reason to have a relationship with them. You do need to consider whether the person actually has the capacity to do the things it takes to make a relationship with you work (and vice versa). And you do need to consider whether your personalities go well together.

If you actually manage to meet her and start dating or if you end up in some kind of long-distance emotional entanglement with her, it sounds like you won't be happy. At that point, what will you consider your options to be? Would you end your relationship with her? Or would you be so worried about what hurting her feelings might do to her that you would opt to cheat on her instead? The fallout from either option would probably weigh heavily on your conscience. So it's probably best to end the interaction earlier, when there's no relationship to speak of and there's very little invested.

Edited October 19, 2020 by Acacia98

October 19, 2020

Unfortunately you will have to shut this down. Texting and not meeting is a universal red flag .

At this point, this could be a scammer, catfish, living with someone, in some sort of institution, etc etc.

At any rate this is not dating material and unfortunately a complete waste of your time. Don't get sucked into any cyber hard luck stories.

October 19, 2020

Why would you want to get involved with someone who has so many problems? And on top of it, she doesn't even sound that interested in you?

October 19, 2020

I hate to say this, but if she's sickly she's not available and not a catch.

October 19, 2020

If you haven't met her (or anyone else) then you aren't really dating. You are setting yourself up for a let down by texting so much before actually meeting. In my opinion, texting during online 'dating' is just for setting up a real date. I do understand Covid changed the game a bit, but don't get too excited with texting/messaging people. It just builds up fantasies that real life/people can't live up to. Are your expectations for this person realistic since you don't really know her?

October 19, 2020

She's always got something means, she's using you for attention when she feels like it but I doubt there is anything wrong with her. If she is too sick to meet up or go out on a date, then she wouldn't be looking. You are a penpal, that's it. Sorry to be blunt and burst your bubble but She has no interest in dating you. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm tell you the truth so you stop wasting your time on people like her. We get threads like this all the time, and it's the same thing...all they are is someones penpal/ friends zoned. All she gives you is bread crumbs and excuses.

Remember actions speak louder than words.

Edited October 19, 2020 by smackie9

October 19, 2020

Just a thought but maybe she is a bit old fashioned and thinks its the guy’s job to reach out and initiate contact? I know this was an issue with my boyfriend and I early on. I think the guy should do more of the reaching out..its just how I think. Not that I dont EVER reach out..but usually if I have something to tell him. I just think thats the guy’s territory. I know its 2020 but some things are time honored in my mind. Maybe she’s the same way?

October 20, 2020

We'll see if she actually contacts me today.. probably not. yesterday she said shes 'not ignoring me or her friends, but is just 'burned out.' I dont know. Its a weird situation. I mean, personally I would at least sent a message of hi' whenever i could. Thanks for the messages, this is a good forum!

October 20, 2020

4 minutes ago, Jazzart said:

We'll see if she actually contacts me today.. probably not. yesterday she said shes 'not ignoring me or her friends, but is just 'burned out.' I dont know. Its a weird situation. I mean, personally I would at least sent a message of hi' whenever i could. Thanks for the messages, this is a good forum!

Perhaps she is more of an introverted personality type? They need to recharge more often and burn out from talking or socializing a lot faster then their extroverted counterparts. Why does it matter if she reaches out to you or not? Unless that is something that is important to you and you must have reciprical contact with someone then try chatting someone else up?

October 20, 2020

Just now, boymommy said:

Perhaps she is more of an introverted personality type? They need to recharge more often and burn out from talking or socializing a lot faster then their extroverted counterparts. Why does it matter if she reaches out to you or not? Unless that is something that is important to you and you must have reciprical contact with someone then try chatting someone else up?

shes pretty outgoing id say. When we chat on the phone those couple times shes got a lot to say

October 20, 2020

She could be unsure about you, stringing you along for attention, or a product of the imagination of some 50 yr old man. Regardless, shes wasting your time, man. Stop messaging her unless she wants to meet up.

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

October 20, 2020

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

She could be stringing you along for attention or be a figment in the imagination of some 50 yr old man. Regardless, shes wasting your time, man. Stop messaging her unless she wants to meet up.

Perhaps. I do still try to use the dating apps. Not much success though. Trying

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talking with someone from dating app for over a month. but Im realizing I always find myself texting first

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