first6000 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) I'm really hurting right now. Three yrs ago I met this really great Latina online. We fell in love. She was such a positive influence on my life. She helped me get to where I am today. She was overweight and had kids. Because of that I always would think I was better then her and I could do better. Plus, I had dreams of being some big player. I would always walk away when we had a fight. Then one of us would reach out to the other and we would get back together. That happened over and over. I kept breaking her heart. I would go on dates when weren't talking but I could never find someone that was as good of a person as her. We were going to move in together in August but I chickened out and walked away again in May. I missed her a lot. Three weeks ago she contacted me, came over that night and we slept together. The next weekend we took a trip and it was great. She had started seeing another guy during our time apart this time. She dropped him for me and he knows she slept with me before she dropped him. He hates her now. She wanted to look for a place again and we found a apartment and were ready to sign the lease. Then she told me that she can't do it. She said she thought all her feelings for me would come back once she saw me again but they didn't this time. She said she still has feelings for this other guy. Now, she won't sign the lease and she says she needs time to work on herself. She says we can be friends, see where it goes, she won't date anyone else, and if things work out we can look for a new place in Jan. But, she says she doesn't know how long her feelings will last for this guy or if she will even get feelings back for me again. I finally gave her everything she wanted but it was too late. I was ready to settle down with her. I've been sick for the last week. I can't sleep or eat. I don't know if I can keep feeling like this and try to get her back. If her feelings never come back for me, I'll be devastated more then I already am. I want to be her man, not her friend. But, she doesn't want that right now. I've lost her but if I walk away again I'll probably lose her forever. She was the best woman I've ever had in my 38 years on this earth. I love this girl more then anything. I don't know what to do. Edited October 18, 2020 by first6000
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 If she was the best you've ever had, why did you break up with her all the time? That's a genuine question, by the way. 9
Author first6000 Posted October 18, 2020 Author Posted October 18, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: If she was the best you've ever had, why did you break up with her all the time? That's a genuine question, by the way. Because I didn't realize how great she was until a little bit before she contacted me this time. I was thinking about her non stop. I'm kind of broken from the things my kids mom did to me years ago. So, I was scared of commitment and thats why I bailed on her in May when were going to get a place.
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 1 hour ago, first6000 said: We were going to move in together in August but I chickened out and walked away again in May. I missed her a lot. Three weeks ago she contacted me, came over that night and we slept together. She wanted to look for a place again and we found a apartment and were ready to sign the lease. Then she told me that she can't do it. Sorry to hear that. She's smart not to move in if she is not sure how she feels and if you have betrayed her this much, backed on leases before, etc. It's time to move forward. Sadly it sounds like you only want her now because you can't have her. At some level she knows this. Keep in mind with 2 kids, she needs stability in her life, not someone who keeps walking away. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sadly it sounds like you only want her now because you can't have her. At some level she knows this. Keep in mind with 2 kids, she needs stability in her life, not someone who keeps walking away. I was about to say the same. That's what I would thinking, in her shoes. I'm sorry OP, but let this serve as a valuable lesson: get your fears under control before you try dating again. You can't treat someone this way and expect it to work out when it suits you. Edited October 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 4 1
elaine567 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 2 hours ago, first6000 said: . I've been sick for the last week. I can't sleep or eat. I don't know if I can keep feeling like this and try to get her back. If her feelings never come back for me, I'll be devastated more then I already am. I want to be her man, not her friend. But, she doesn't want that right now. How do you think she felt when you kept breaking up with her? Now you are the one suffering, it is suddenly a huge deal... 5
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 You desire most what you can’t have...I’m sure if she gladly joined you awhile down the road you would have kicked her to the side again. Sounds to me she’s giving you a taste of your own medicine and a #%*# test to see if you are going to stick with her. IMO when you have an off and on relationship...it’s never going to work out. You didn’t bother to improve communication which is so important for a relationship to survive, you never bothered to repair or resolve arguments, you never learned to cope with anything, your answer was to dump her. It’s no wonder she’s now walking away from you. Even tho you feel you are in it 100% it is doubtful this is the truth. 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) OP, I hate to twist the dagger here, but you treated her pretty terribly especially for someone you claim was so important to you. I warn you that this next sentence may sound harsh, but it's very honest. While reading your post, I kind of felt glad for her that she escaped your relationship. Nobody deserves to be jerked around. I've been in her situation and I believe you really put her through a lot emotionally. It's exhausting to be in love with someone who constantly tests you and shows how inconsistent they are. It wears on a person's self esteem to give so much and so many chances to someone who demonstrates through their actions how little they value it--and that's what you did every time you abandoned her. Eventually that person gets to a point where they begin to question if all their sacrifice is really worth it...for a person who gives up on them when things get tough. As for your unresolved issues with your former ex, that's on you. It's not fair or reasonable to expect your future partner(s) to pay the price of crimes committed by people in your past. You are responsible for your own feelings and behaviors. Take ownership for that. Probably the best thing you can do now is genuinely apologize to her for how you treated her, and then let her move on with her life while you work on yourself. Resolve your past (with a counselor if you're so inclined), learn your triggers, learn what you could do differently in the future to not blow up your relationships. I wish you well. Edited October 18, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel Typos 3
ShyViolet Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 If she was truly "the one", you wouldn't have broken up with her and walked away so many times. This relationship sounds like a mess. She needs stability in her life, not someone who can't make up their mind and is going to put her through a rollercoaster. She's probably better off moving on. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 With this much drama and back and forth and all, I seriously question your reaction that this was the best woman you've ever met. And as Expat says if this was the best woman you've ever met and you couldn't get yourself together enough to appreciate her, then I doubt you could get yourself together and appreciate her now. I'm sorry, "I now realize" is not a sign of change. I doubt that you could hold on to her even if you got back together with her. What has changed about you and your thinking. People ready for a real relationship don't walk away and come back and walk away. They are clear that this person isn't for me ... and they think hard before walking away. What's the evidence that you are now able to think hard before you act? I don't see it. Work on yourself. Figure out what YOUR problem is--work to rewire or fix that problem--and magically you'll find all sorts of women out there in the world who are great and who would be interested in you. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 You need to fully heal from past injuries before you try loving again. If you don't, you'll always hit a wall and inflict hurt. It sounds like she may eventually give you another chance. But she may not. In the meantime, consider counseling or other self development to become a better person. It will help you avoid causing such messes in the future. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 7 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Probably the best thing you can do now is genuinely apologize to her for how you treated her, and then let her move on with her life while you work on yourself. Yes, definitely give her a sincere and complete apology. Men with a big ego are weak on admitting mistakes and apologizing. But it's so important for the healing of the person you hurt. 2
Trail Blazer Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 Have you always been this dysfunctional in relationships, or only with this woman? You treated her like crap, to the point where she was over your b.s. and only now you want her back? Are you sure you don't just want her back now because she doesn't want you? 3
Trail Blazer Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: Yes, definitely give her a sincere and complete apology. Men with a big ego are weak on admitting mistakes and apologizing. But it's so important for the healing of the person you hurt. That's not true. I have a big ego and I'd have no problems admitting to mistakes and apologizing for them! However, I have never had to apologize for anything, though, as I've never made a single mistake, ever. 1
boymommy Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) Sorry to say this but its a little ironic that the shoe is now on the other foot..she is doing exactly the same thing you did to her! Except you did it numerous times and she finally wised up! I’m not so sure you have changed OP..its just that you are used to having all the power and control in this dynamic and leaving her with your scraps..now she is hanging you out to dry. My instinct is that if she suddenly had a change of heart and went back to her old behavior (poor boundaries, choosing you instead of available men, ect) then you would go running scared yet again. Without therapy or serious work on your part you cant change this holding pattern..unfortunately this is how you relate to women who are available for commitment. Its going to be the same dynanic whether its with her or someone else. The common factor is YOU Edited October 19, 2020 by boymommy 1
Author first6000 Posted October 20, 2020 Author Posted October 20, 2020 You people suck. Horrible advice. Get screwed with your counseling and therapy. I wanted to know how to get her back, not the other bs you people talked about. 1 1
FMW Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 You told her how you felt, she told you how she felt. Listen to her and do things her way if you really want a chance at getting her back.
boymommy Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 25 minutes ago, first6000 said: You people suck. Horrible advice. Get screwed with your counseling and therapy. I wanted to know how to get her back, not the other bs you people talked about. If you want her back give her space and perhaps work on your maturity level a little. Lashing out at people who are trying to help you isn't a step in the right direction, for what it's worth. That's not going to fly in a mature healthy relationship. 2
Miss Spider Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) Doesn’t sound like you were that into her and now you’re looking at things with rose tinted glasses because she found someone else. You’re only doing that because by your own admission you couldn’t find someone as “good”. Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 12 hours ago, first6000 said: You people suck. Horrible advice. Get screwed with your counseling and therapy. I wanted to know how to get her back, not the other bs you people talked about. Lol! I think the posts were all about how to get her back, or if not, how to have a successful relationship with someone else in the future. Seems like you just want an easy solution. Press a button and presto!...you get what you want. But, nope, life does not work that way. You have to do the work. Your attitude is what got you your current result, and until you decide to change it, you will continue to get that same disappointing result. That attitude is probably what your now ex outgrew, but you have not. That's why you are now crying in your soup. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 On 10/18/2020 at 11:19 AM, first6000 said: I had dreams of being some big player. I kept breaking her heart. I chickened out and walked away again in May. 2
mortensorchid Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 I am so tired of hearing of all these guys who break up with women and are overjoyed at first for being set free then 6 months later are crying because they didn't realize how great she was. And it's the opposite for women : devastated at the beginning then happy in 6 months for moving on from that turkey. But I digress... In this case, acknowledge that you made a mistake and will know better next time. But with the next woman, not her. No point in crying over spilled milk. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 6:40 PM, first6000 said: You people suck. Horrible advice. Get screwed with your counseling and therapy. I wanted to know how to get her back, not the other bs you people talked about. The problem is, there was eventually going to be a last time when you could never get her back again. Now that time came. I know you think we suck, but all you can do is learn from this and move forward. The reality is that you still think you're superior or you wouldn't still be thinking you can just "do" something to make her come back. You're still not thinking of her as her own person who has her own feelings and who can make up her own mind. But she is and she did. You're not superior after all. The two of you simply aren't right for each other. She found someone who is a better match for her. You need to go do the same, as soon as your head is on straighter. It'll take time. You can never really be happy with her. If she did come back you would only deep down think her lesser all over again - ironically, perhaps all the more so for caving no matter how you treat her - and it would all start over again. You're not right for each other. It will never work out.
Trail Blazer Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/20/2020 at 12:10 PM, first6000 said: You people suck. Horrible advice. Get screwed with your counseling and therapy. I wanted to know how to get her back, not the other bs you people talked about. Hahaha! Are you serious, dude? Or are you trolling? I'll level with you; you aren't getting her back, pal! In what universe can someone reasonably expect to get someone back after continuously treating them like crap? You know what? You're expecting a panecea but don't understand your own horrible failings. Thinking you'll get her back is delusional. Let her go and move on. Trust me, if there was a way that I knew which would help you get her back - which there isn't - but if there was, I wouldn't share it with you anyway! You don't deserve her back. You have a lot of growing up to do! 1
Recommended Posts