whitebunnny Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 I met a guy on Tinder 2 days ago after we were talking for about 5 days. We messaged each other back and forth and I would get replies within 30minutes to 1 hour before we met. The date went really well, talked nonstop, we asked each other a lot of questions and telling silly stories about ourselves. Felt like we have alot in common too. I sent him a text thanking him for the dinner and told him I had a great time. I know beforehand when we were setting the date that he had to leave by 10pm to meet his friends for drinks. So I wish him goodnight and he replied "Sure, good night". So I am still very interested to get to know him better, take things slow and see how things go. But since the date, he has cut down on the replies and takes much longer (2-4hours) to reply. He also does not send me good morning text, instead "hey, how's your day going?". I dont know if he's trying to hint that we should be friends instead. We met on Friday night so over the weekend he has plans with his friends too so I'm not sure if that's the reason he has been slow with his replies, but they are shorter though he still asks questions in his replies to keep the conversation going. He has also not asked if I'm interested for a second date. Should I ask him instead?
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) Slow down. 5 days. One date. Obviously after one meet you are both still talking to and meeting others. Step away from your phone and the stopwatch. Relax. Texting is Not dating. If he contacts you again for a date, great if not, stop texting and move on. Unfortunately no matter how well the first meeting goes, there are a lot of one and done dates in online dating. Consider getting a good profile and pics on some quality (paid) dating apps and meeting men in real life situations. Edited October 18, 2020 by Wiseman2 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 My guess is he had other dates lined up this weekend, too. I would not fret about him fading. It's been one date, so no big loss if it fizzles. You could toss it out there that you'd like to see him again and suggest day/time, and see how he responds. That will tell you what you need to know.
poppyfields Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) With OLDing, if a man is texting you tons before you meet, and then begins scaling back after you meet, the most logical reason imo is because the "real" you didn't match the "image" he had of you before you met. I've had some fun dates with men, laughing, joking, but when I got home, I realized I wasn't really "feeling it." It's pretty common especially with on line dating. I've learned when a man is interested, you rarely have to question it. You are attempting to justify his slowing down to wanting to be with his friends; well imo and experience, if he were truly interested, he'd be texting you more (not less) and locking down that second date. Unless he's intentionally playing games, but from what you've written, it doesnt sound like that's what's happening. If me, I'd take this as a sign that in person, I wasn't his cup of tea and begin fading out myself. Try to not take it personally. Even the most classically beautiful women are not every man's cup of tea. Edited October 18, 2020 by poppyfields 5
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 3 hours ago, whitebunnny said: I met a guy on Tinder 2 days ago after we were talking for about 5 days. We messaged each other back and forth and I would get replies within 30minutes to 1 hour before we met. * * * . But since the date, he has cut down on the replies and takes much longer (2-4hours) to reply. He also does not send me good morning text, instead "hey, how's your day going?". * * * He has also not asked if I'm interested for a second date. Should I ask him instead? Oh good gracious. You have your panties in a twist because he went from texting you back in 30 minutes but now it takes a few hours? Get a life. You can't measure interest with a watch. Stop trying. He's still responding. That is all that is required. You went on a date 2 freaking days ago on Friday It's only Sunday. Give him some time to ask for the next date but on that point, you do have some room to worry. He should have at least hinted at setting up another date by now. You do have to presume he's multi-dating so he's probably busy. You can ask him out if you like. Many will tell you not to chase an uninterested guy but my take is that it's 2020. As a woman you are allowed to be in the driver's seat in your own life. So ask. Take the pressure off the guy. A man shouldn't have to do everything. If he says yes, great! Go, have a good time. If he's lukewarm on the 2nd date, leave the ball in his court understanding he probably won't return it. If he says no, at least you know & can move forward without being stuck wondering. You asking is a win win in my book.
poppyfields Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) Goodness, why the hostility^? Lol Women are extremely intuitive, we know when men are pulling back, fading; it's important to pay attention to these subtle nuances, and act accordingly. Given that he's pulled back slightly after your first meet, I would not chase him by asking him for that second date. Chill and continue meeting other men. If he reaches out and asks for another date, great! If not, so be. It was one meet. Edited October 18, 2020 by poppyfields 4
Author whitebunnny Posted October 18, 2020 Author Posted October 18, 2020 I know that it has only been 2 days. The difference in his replies does show that he might not be interested anymore but he still continues to reply even though they are short and not very enthusiastic as before. Not sure if he's multiple dating but he does not seem like it from the conversation we had. The reason I'm sitting anxiously on this one is because I really like him so far, we match in a lot of aspects and he's really a great catch. Anyway, if he stopped replying or doesn't ask for another date soon, I'll just move on. I just don't enjoy being slow faded if that's what he's doing. 2
poppyfields Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 1 minute ago, whitebunnny said: I know that it has only been 2 days. The difference in his replies does show that he might not be interested anymore but he still continues to reply even though they are short and not very enthusiastic as before. Not sure if he's multiple dating but he does not seem like it from the conversation we had. The reason I'm sitting anxiously on this one is because I really like him so far, we match in a lot of aspects and he's really a great catch. Anyway, if he stopped replying or doesn't ask for another date soon, I'll just move on. I just don't enjoy being slow faded if that's what he's doing. No worries whitebunny, I get it. You said you match in a lot of aspects, but how was the physical chemistry /energy during the meet? Any touching, physical mirroring, subconsciously moving closer to each other? Did he kiss you or try to? Any physical, sexual tension at all? How did the date end? Handshake, with a cool "I'll be in touch"? Or did he look at you, smile warmly and tell you he'd love to see you again? Things like this are a great determinant of gauging chemistry, beyond just matching and having things in common, like a friend might.
Fletch Lives Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 You can ask him out, but then you open yourself up to possible rejection. I'd give it a week and see what happens. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) @Fletch Lives what's so superior about waiting a week only to be rejected when he doesn't call? I'd rather step up, call, let the guy straight up reject me so it's clear rather then wait & worry Her being passive & waiting won't change the outcome. Either the guy is interested & will be flattered by the ask or he's not interested. Edited October 18, 2020 by d0nnivain
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 42 minutes ago, whitebunnny said: Not sure if he's multiple dating but he does not seem like it from the conversation we had. The reason I'm sitting anxiously on this one is because I really like him so far, we match in a lot of aspects and he's really a great catch. Keep in mind you barely know the guy. You don't know if what he's telling you is true. It may be, but the point is that he's virtually a stranger to you so you can't assume much of anything beyond what his actions are telling you. 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: @Fletch Lives what's so superior about waiting a week only to be rejected when he doesn't call? I'd rather step up, call, let the guy straight up reject me so it's clear rather then wait & worry Her being passive & waiting won't change the outcome. Either the guy is interested & will be flattered by the ask or he's not interested. Well, sometimes it helps to wait while dating because love grows over time (when it does). When I say wait, I mean don't write the guy off. You can date others in the meantime too. Girls usually wait for the guy to make the move so they don't get rejected. They do this because they are smart - rejection hurts. Only fools rush in. 1
poppyfields Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) Nevermind being rejected, life goes on. IF the guy were interested, SHE wouldn't be needing to ask him for the second date. Please, let's not kid ourselves about that. Unless he is passive and prefers being chased, and if that's the case best to avoid those types unless you are comfortable being the pursuer/aggressor. Early stages. Edited October 18, 2020 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 To add, I'm actually all for women asking men out but the time to do it is when the chemistry/energy is high, you're both feeling it! NOT when a man is noticeably pulling back or fading as the OP senses he's doing here.
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 1 hour ago, whitebunnny said: The difference in his replies does show that he might not be interested anymore but he still continues to reply even though they are short and not very enthusiastic as before. Stop texting this much. You are over saturating . Lay back a bit. No one wants a text-buddy. 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 52 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Nevermind being rejected, life goes on. Rejection stings - look at all the people who get butt-hurt over dating and want to take a break from it. But if you do things like multi-date, go slow (play hard to get), let the guys make the major moves like asking for dates, and other things to reduce the risk of rejection, dating can be a lot more tolerable and even interesting and fun! Women are in a fantastic position today, because it's traditional for the guy to make the major moves. And if you, the woman, is sitting back but he's the one moving forward, the woman has the power and gets to say yay or nay, and holds the rejection card. He who gets to reject first feels better. He who gets rejected tends to feel worse. Leave your ego at the door, this is reality. Sure, there is always the risk of rejection in dating, but why not reduce the risk? Date smart and reduce being rejected by others.
poppyfields Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Rejection stings - look at all the people who get butt-hurt over dating and want to take a break from it. Yes I realize that Fletch,. But after one meet? Come on now. I took a break from dating too, years ago. Not because I was getting rejected, I wasn't, not really. I had a string of short term relationships and became exhausted! People take breaks for all sorts of reasons not just cause they're "butt-hurt" after being rejected after one meet. That's not even a rejection imo. It was one meet, no click, no chemistry, they are virtual strangers, how is that a rejection? Dating is a risk. No guarantees. It requires a thick skin, resilience and the ability to risk rejection without getting butt-hurt each time. If one is not willing to take that risk, and overly focused on avoiding rejection as you suggested, they are going to have a very VERY difficult time, not only dating but in life! Edited October 18, 2020 by poppyfields
carhill Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 7 hours ago, whitebunnny said: He has also not asked if I'm interested for a second date. Should I ask him instead? If your style is being receptive to a man's clear and consistent interest and not asking men on dates, and that's been healthy for you in your past relationships/dating experiences, IMO stick to your style. If he isn't a fit, he isn't. If all that high energy stuff on the first date was authentic, men with sincere interest will seek to continue it though it might not be making another date prior to the prior one ending. IMO, they will make it clear they want to see you again in person. What has your experience been in that regard? 1
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) My 2 cents: An interested man SHOWS he is interested. My experience, most ask for another date at the end of the date or the next day because they are excited to see me again. He dialed it back immediately after the date....I personally would take that as rejection/ checking out other options. The “I gotta go and meet friends” is possible he had another date or excuse to end the date. I agree with the others, if you have to question if a man is interested, most likely he is not. Edited October 18, 2020 by smackie9 3 1
ShyViolet Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 The first date was only TWO DAYS ago. My goodness. How is that even enough time to know if he's "slow fading" you? What do you expect him to do, text you constantly? You need to calm down and stop over-analyzing this. Don't bring up a second date and see if he asks you out on a second date. If he doesn't, then he's not interested.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 Yes he is likely pulling back. Tip: cut out 90 percent of the texting before hand. Texting becomes this performance game. You work and rework your replies so you can say something witty and confident and interesting. I'm a teacher and I wish my students revised and reworked their school work as much as they rework their Tinder messages. But that is the problem--texting gets you deep into performance and appearance mode. And in reality, we're already in performance-appearance mode when we meet someone--so texting just makes it worse. And texting and flirting is so much fun ... and that's the other problem. It's so much fun that it doesn't really matter who this other person is. It's inherently fun. Which is NOT helpful because the goal of the texting should be to see if you can have fun with this person. So yes, he's pulling back. And you guys should NEVER had gotten into a habit of replying to each other in 30 minutes in the first place. That's for an serious relationship. The other thing that caught my eye was him leaving the date with you to meet up with friends at 10 p.m. I' sorry: if most guys are really enjoying the date, they'd call their friends and say "catch you next time." After all, the friends aren't going anywhere and friends totally understand if you're on a hot fun date. 4
It'sSmiley Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 It's pretty obvious he wants to end contact. I'm speaking from my own experience. Also, Tinder is an app that's well known for having many people on there looking for just fun and nothing serious. Try a new dating app, because tinder is not the way to go if you want a serious relationship out of someone.
boymommy Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) If he’s already pulling back he probably either is trying to slow down the pace because he wants something casual (since you met on Tinder this is most likely!) or he is not that into it. If he is still in contact I think he is trying to see if you are game for a more casual/fwb/carefree type relationship, it was my experience that most guys who were sporadic like that from very early on just wanted a casual relationship, not a serious one. Edited October 19, 2020 by boymommy
kendahke Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 The reason why it seems the texting has slowed down is because you two have met. Now, he may not want to text away all of the things he could talk to you about in a face to face conversation... and he also may not want to feed your unreasonable expectations of him at this point, especially if he's still on the dating app and dating other women. You should be dating other men, not waiting by the phone for the next text from him. Stop destroying the mystery by texting him to death. 1
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