I am married, but in love with another woman. I am stuck in this emotional affair.

[The Macedonian]

2 hours ago, Datergirl said:

You married this woman after cheating on her regularly?  Does your wife know this? Why on earth did you marry her? You obviously never loved your wife as you've continued to cheat on her. You sound utterly selfish and disrespectful. How can you still have gone ahead and married her is beyond me. Your wife should divorce you and find someone who deserves her. 

I don't think you are in love with your colleague, I think you love cheating...

 

As for my relationship with my wife, we've had our good times in the past, but things just aren't the same. I don't know where or when things changed, it just happened. I don't want to hurt my wife, but then again I'm not happy and I'm not sure if anything can fix that with her.  I have been with my wife for 20 and a half years since high-school.  I loved her at the time, she was my everything. I would wake up every single day thanking God for putting her in my life. I married my wife because she kinda pressured me. Back in 2011/2012 most of our friends were getting married, so i was under pressure from my wife/girlfriend at the time to marry her. 

.

Now, I feel nothing.I feel nothing when we go on a nice dinner or when I make her laugh. I feel zero feelings that I used to feel.  What do I do? What can I do? I feel so stuck.

[Ellener]

@The Macedonian

It sounds like you've made up your mind to end your marriage? Good luck whatever you do.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, The Macedonian said:

she kinda pressured me. Back in 2011/2012 most of our friends were getting married, so i was under pressure from my wife/girlfriend at the time to marry her. 

Are you "under pressure" to not get divorced if you resent her so much?

It sounds like you are having a midlife crisis and daydreaming rather than addressing the contempt you sadly feel for your marriage.

Why stay married? Convenience? This woman you are fantasizing about most likely never gives you a second thought other than married guy trying to chat me up. 

[boymommy]

This is a really sad story. I think you realize you should not have gotten married given all this is at play here. I firmly believe if you were not married that you probably would not be head over heels in love with your colleage. For whatever reason men who serial cheat have issues staying committed but once you remove the marriage, they aren't head of over heels for anyone anymore. My guess is you only want your colleage as well because (like you) she is unavailable and has a boyfriend. If both of you were single and an actual relationship could happen (kind of like your wife) then you wouldnt love her just like you dont love your wife. You don't love anyone who is readily available to you. Being attracted to unavailable people is actually an addictive disorder. It stems from attachment issues. It would benefit you to seek out a professional therapist who can help you as well as enter into couples therapy with your wife. I feel like thats the ONLY way you have of saving your marriage-and yourself. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by boymommy

[The Macedonian]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you "under pressure" to not get divorced if you resent her so much?

It sounds like you are having a midlife crisis and daydreaming rather than addressing the contempt you sadly feel for your marriage.

Why stay married? Convenience? This woman you are fantasizing about most likely never gives you a second thought other than married guy trying to chat me up. 

At this point I’d be happy to leave my wife to be honest, the thought excites me, but I can’t leave my boy, I need to be with him everyday. I don’t know what to do. I don't love my wife.  Physical attraction is long gone. There is no passion, I would leave as soon as possible if there was no kid involved. I want to leave but I will see my kid less  and I think she will have a poisonous effect on him. 

[boymommy]

5 minutes ago, The Macedonian said:

At this point I’d be happy to leave my wife to be honest, the thought excites me, but I can’t leave my boy, I need to be with him everyday. I don’t know what to do. I don't love my wife.  Physical attraction is long gone. There is no passion, I would leave as soon as possible if there was no kid involved. I want to leave but I will see my kid less  and I think she will have a poisonous effect on him. 

Lots of people are divorced and don't see the kids everyday. I am one of them. We all manage and are much happier as a result. You can't stay just for your son. It's not fair to your wife, or your son, or you. I have heard people who have a history of affairs site their kids as reasons for staying in their marriage but often it's just an excuse. People with kids divorce everyday. But people who have affairs NEED to stay married in order to continue that behavior. They have to have a reason to stay married or else they can't have an affair! 

What poisonous effect do you think she have on your son? 

Edited October 22, 2020 by boymommy

[The Macedonian]

3 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Lots of people are divorced and don't see the kids everyday. I am one of them. We all manage and are much happier as a result. You can't stay just for your son. It's not fair to your wife, or your son, or you. 

What poisonous effect do you think she have on your son? 

I an afraid that mt wife will poison my son against me. 

[boymommy]

2 minutes ago, The Macedonian said:

I an afraid that mt wife will poison my son against me. 

I can completely understand how that would be cause for concern. You have created quite a predicament here for yourself. I really don't know if continuing to live a lie is the answer though. I think finding a way to stop cheating on your wife and reconnect with her through therapy is your answer. You keep your family and your son and you stop cheating. Everyone wins. I have seen it happen myself (I am a therapist)

[The Macedonian]

16 minutes ago, boymommy said:

This is a really sad story. I think you realize you should not have gotten married given all this is at play here. I firmly believe if you were not married that you probably would not be head over heels in love with your colleage. For whatever reason men who serial cheat have issues staying committed but once you remove the marriage, they aren't head of over heels for anyone anymore. My guess is you only want your colleage as well because (like you) she is unavailable and has a boyfriend. If both of you were single and an actual relationship could happen (kind of like your wife) then you wouldnt love her just like you dont love your wife. You don't love anyone who is readily available to you. Being attracted to unavailable people is actually an addictive disorder. It stems from attachment issues. It would benefit you to seek out a professional therapist who can help you as well as enter into couples therapy with your wife. I feel like thats the ONLY way you have of saving your marriage-and yourself. 

Maybe you are right.  Maybe i only want my colleague as well because (like me) she is unavailable and has a boyfriend. Also she is extremely faithful to her boyfriend/cousin. They have kinda pathological relationship. But like you said i am head over heels in love with her for the past seven and a half years. 

[Wiseman2]

So you are living a lie. You lie to yourself, your child, your wife. 

This fantasy is as much of a sham as your marriage and family life is.

Your demonization of your wife it typical married person lies and trash looking to cheat.

You're simply too cowardly or cheap to get divorced, so you make up stories in your head.

Does your wife know you're just using her and stringing her along?

[boymommy]

12 hours ago, The Macedonian said:

Maybe you are right.  Maybe i only want my colleague as well because (like me) she is unavailable and has a boyfriend. Also she is extremely faithful to her boyfriend/cousin. They have kinda pathological relationship. But like you said i am head over heels in love with her for the past seven and a half years. 

I think you are more in love with her unavailability then with the actual person. She too is attracted to relationships with an impossible future given she’s involved with a distant cousin! Thats rather twisted. I don’t think I have heard of that outside of foreign countries. Not judging, but given you are both so unavailable, if she decided to ditch her cousin and you divorced your wife I really don’t think either of you would find each other appealing. As wiseman said, the fantasy would be shattered because you would both just be available for commitment. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by boymommy

[The Macedonian]

On 10/23/2020 at 12:34 PM, Wiseman2 said:

So you are living a lie. You lie to yourself, your child, your wife. 

This fantasy is as much of a sham as your marriage and family life is.

Your demonization of your wife it typical married person lies and trash looking to cheat.

You're simply too cowardly or cheap to get divorced, so you make up stories in your head.

Does your wife know you're just using her and stringing her along?

I am aware that i am living a lie.  I stay for my kid. I can't be an every other weekend dad. I find every day I am with my wife, longer and longer I hate my life more and more. It is literally killing me and my will to live. 

[boymommy]

On 10/24/2020 at 9:29 PM, The Macedonian said:

I am aware that i am living a lie.  I stay for my kid. I can't be an every other weekend dad. I find every day I am with my wife, longer and longer I hate my life more and more. It is literally killing me and my will to live. 

These days fathers get 50/50 custody. You would get to see your son 3-4 days during the week and then probably every other weekend and then it flips. Thats the most common custody schedule. Or you could do one week on, one week off. You would have him a full week, she would have him a full week, then you alternate. I personally enjoy sharing custody because it gives me time for myself (which I never had before) and time alone with my boyfriend (which we both love!) Most divorced people feel the same! I make a better mother after a bit of recharge time when they are with their dad. 

[SumGuy]

On 10/21/2020 at 3:23 AM, The Macedonian said:

....I always get lost in her eyes because being near her makes everything in my mind slow down and go quiet. I naturally want to give her the world and i genuinely believe her mere existence makes life better for those around her. No other woman compares to her looks. I honestly could not pick a better person to be in love with. She's a very bubbly and cheerful woman and can light up a room just with her presence.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. 

This sounds like how you felt about your wife when you first met her.   How long did that last before you started cheating on her?  What makes you think you won't do the same again?   Have you heard the expression the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?

All I can say is be good to your children and be generous to your wife when you divorce.

 

[SumGuy]

On 10/27/2020 at 9:44 PM, boymommy said:

These days fathers get 50/50 custody. You would get to see your son 3-4 days during the week and then probably every other weekend and then it flips. Thats the most common custody schedule. Or you could do one week on, one week off. You would have him a full week, she would have him a full week, then you alternate. I personally enjoy sharing custody because it gives me time for myself (which I never had before) and time alone with my boyfriend (which we both love!) Most divorced people feel the same! I make a better mother after a bit of recharge time when they are with their dad. 

@boymommy  I believe OP said he lives in Northern Macedonia....the divorce laws there could be very different from where you live (I'm assuming you don't live there  ).  I live in the US and the laws here vary from state to state, some I understand are 50/50, others no matter what the law may say on paper are not.

[SumGuy]

On 10/24/2020 at 9:29 PM, The Macedonian said:

I am aware that i am living a lie.  I stay for my kid. I can't be an every other weekend dad. I find every day I am with my wife, longer and longer I hate my life more and more. It is literally killing me and my will to live. 

Then repent.  Do it for your kid if not yourself.

[The Macedonian]

On 10/30/2020 at 6:18 PM, SumGuy said:

@boymommy  I believe OP said he lives in Northern Macedonia....the divorce laws there could be very different from where you live (I'm assuming you don't live there  ).  I live in the US and the laws here vary from state to state, some I understand are 50/50, others no matter what the law may say on paper are not.

Yes i live in Macedonia. The laws here are  different. you can have your child only on weekends, if you are a divorced man

.

Edited November 3, 2020 by The Macedonian

[The Macedonian]

On 10/23/2020 at 2:18 PM, boymommy said:

I think you are more in love with her unavailability then with the actual person. She too is attracted to relationships with an impossible future given she’s involved with a distant cousin! Thats rather twisted. I don’t think I have heard of that outside of foreign countries. Not judging, but given you are both so unavailable, if she decided to ditch her cousin and you divorced your wife I really don’t think either of you would find each other appealing. As wiseman said, the fantasy would be shattered because you would both just be available for commitment. 

Unfortunately, there is no simple answer. And it hurts. I mean, it really, actually hurts to want my colleague-neighbor-friend so badly. I am miserable and i take a certain odd satisfaction from that misery. I am aware, but i  just suppress it, is that the fantasy of my colleague-neighbor-friend is way better than the reality would be. I just know that it will happen someday. I have waking visions of the two of us together, and I'm not talking about sex fantasies. I picture me and her cuddling on the couch, doing laundry together, grocery shopping, all of those silly mundane things. They're just fantasies, but they feel so real. And they make me want to be with her even more. What kind of f***ed up, twisted universe allows this s*** to happen?

[The Macedonian]

On 10/23/2020 at 2:18 PM, boymommy said:

I think you are more in love with her unavailability then with the actual person. She too is attracted to relationships with an impossible future given she’s involved with a distant cousin! Thats rather twisted. I don’t think I have heard of that outside of foreign countries. Not judging, but given you are both so unavailable, if she decided to ditch her cousin and you divorced your wife I really don’t think either of you would find each other appealing. As wiseman said, the fantasy would be shattered because you would both just be available for commitment. 

 I feel that my colleague/neighbor/friend has an unbelievable amount of power over me, despite the fact that she  never asked for that power in the first place.  I see her almost every day, and we hang out on every work day. It sucks as bad as you can imagine. I don't know if I'll ever get over her.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, The Macedonian said:

. What kind of f***ed up, twisted universe allows this s*** to happen?

Your imagination and  preoccupation with woman other than your wife. Your refusal to be a decent husband. Your  insecurities. Your nonexistence emotionally in your marriage. Your selfish drooling at this crush, avoiding your marriage and creating all the problems you are complaining about. The universe is not the problem, my friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like a lot of this is in your head, OP. 

Meaning, you have no real evidence to suggest that this woman feels the same way about you. You say you can see it in her eyes, but that means nothing if it isn't being confirmed from her lips. I don't doubt you have an all-consuming crush on her, but nowhere did I read anything that truly indicates that she reciprocates that. 

The real problem? You should never have married your wife. You didn't do it for the right reasons and you're seeing now why that was a poor decision. However, you also admit you don't plan to leave your marriage either. So, you have little choice but to suck it up and accept that you will remain unhappy and unfulfilled.

[FMW]

You have to deal with reality.  You choose to not talk to your wife or initiate divorce because you "can't" not see your son every day.  So that's the choice you have to live with.

I understand you just need to vent your feelings, but just venting isn't going to change anything.  

The universe did not do this to you. You chose to marry a woman that it should have been clear wasn't the one for you (the cheating was a huge clue).  You chose to have a child (not using birth control) with a woman of a nature that you fear would now poison your son against you . You chose and continue to choose to have a relationship with this other woman instead of staying away from her.  You choose to completely give into your feelings for her instead of doing the hard work to distance yourself.

Choices are often difficult - that doesn't mean we get to abdicate responsibility and blame the universe.  You've made some bad decisions along the way and now you have to deal with them and stop feeling like a victim of circumstances.  

[SMoore]

Think of the difference between infatuation and love.  Think how marriages are rarely plain sailing and never have been.  Marriages are not primarily about creating happiness, believe it or not.  There are many other forces in play - commitment, meaning, challenge, growth, family.  These things are also parts of love.  

It’s not a film or a fairytale.  It’s not easy.

Being an adult is hard.

[gamon]

On 10/22/2020 at 7:13 PM, The Macedonian said:

At this point I’d be happy to leave my wife to be honest, the thought excites me, but I can’t leave my boy, I need to be with him everyday.

No surprise, it's all about you and your needs. My guess is of the two good options presented which are a) fix the marriage or b) divorce her you will choose option c) keep cheating with other women.

 

[boymommy]

On 11/7/2020 at 7:38 PM, The Macedonian said:

 I feel that my colleague/neighbor/friend has an unbelievable amount of power over me, despite the fact that she  never asked for that power in the first place.  I see her almost every day, and we hang out on every work day. It sucks as bad as you can imagine. I don't know if I'll ever get over her.

No she doesn't have power over you. It's actually YOU that has the power. The power to change. As others have said, this is in your head and these issues are actually due to you and have nothing to do with her. But I think you stay "sick" in a way because you hang SO much of this responsibility on the fact that you are in love with her and not in love with your wife when in reality the issues AAAALLLL come from you and own fears. If you would be willing to take other people out of the equation and actually face your own fears you will not only stop hurting others but you may ACTUALLY find what you are looking for..someone to love who will love you back! But that will never happen unless you actually face what you are afraid of and do the work. That means therapy my friend!