I am married, but in love with another woman. I am stuck in this emotional affair.

[The Macedonian]

I need advice. I am 38 year old heterosexual married man. My wife and I have been married for 7 years and have a 6 year old son., we've been together 20 and a half years.  We had been in a  relationship for  13 and a half years when we got married. About 7 and a half years ago (June 2013) i started working at this company. On my first day i met her. She lives in my neighborhood, three buildings away, but we have never met before that day. She is 5 years younger than me.   I always found her attractive but I figured it was just skin deep. She is a beautiful woman, so i was attracted to her physically, but i didn't think much of her before. So on my first day she invited me to sit next to her. We shared a computer. We clicked immediately and perfectly.  I was immediately drawn to her. But I didn't think I would want more than sex. We worked together, and as a result spend the majority of our days together. We became too close.  We got along well and I always enjoyed talking with her. I found myself being sad when she wasn't at work. There was definitely chemistry on both sides. At first i was only extremely  sexually attracted to her, thinking that these strong emotions I constantly felt for her were just infatuation, but after like 2 months i realized that i am in love with her.  We talked for hours about serious and unserious things. I got married in September 2013. On my wedding day and night i was kinda sad and i fantasized about my colleague. 

.

In the winter 2013/2014 i , i wanted to kiss my colleague, but i never really tried. I had wanted to act on it, I doubted. The "relationship" wasn't one sided, she actively pursued it, at the beginning  even more so than I did. We flirted all the time. On one occasion at this new years office party i was drunk, I decided to come clean to her with what I'm feeling and i told her straight that i love her. . I almost hoped she would pull away and end our friendship, because even though that would hurt, it would make life easier for both of us.  I pretty much knew she felt the same way though, and that turned out to be the case.

. 

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In February 2014 they fired her. I was so sad.  I felt terrible for her. On that night i got drunk and i even cried myself to sleep. I cried for my colleague. I never cry, but on that night in February 2014 i cried. We remained friends. We still talked  regularly. We live in the same neighborhood, so we saw each other almost on a daily basis.I would see her at least once in three days. I even helped her with some issues on several occasions.   My former colleague  continued to dominate much of my thoughts. My son was born in January 2015, even on that day i was thinking off her. Things never got physical but there was definitely an emotional relationship. My wife has been skeptical of our "relationship" from damn near the beginning of us becoming colleagues and friends. At one point my wife asked if I had feelings for woman number two. I denied.  She would ask several times more as time went on and I would lie and tell her I didn’t.

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February 2019 "miracle" happened. They hired her again. So she became my colleague again. We are not in the same office, but still we hang out alot at work.  We talk for hours about serious and unserious things. It is honestly a joy. She enjoys my company. There is definitely an emotional relationship. She is with the same boyfriend for over 20 years. I know that she is committed to her boyfriend. They can't get married because they are distant cousins. His father is against their relationship. 

 

So, yes, I know I'm an ass. However, I am too emotionally attached to my colleague.  This woman is the most wonderful and amazing person I have ever met, and when I'm not around her I keep thinking about her. I don't feel guilty for having these continuing thoughts no matter how much I try  to. I just love her so much. In some weird way she saved my marriage, because i can't cheat with other women on my wife , because only woman i want is my colleague. I cheated on my wife/girlfriend at the time regularly  before i met my colleague. I'm in love with this women, another woman, not my wife, and it feels right. Worse, I do not regret it. The attraction I feel with her is incredible - physically, and emotionally. We can have deep conversations, that I can't really have with my wife. 

 

 I want to be with her. I want her to be happy and  I will always be there for her and support her. I  know that she secretly feels the same way about me. I can see in her eyes. 

There is probably more I can add to this, but I think it's already verging on too much to absorb!I didn't know where else to go or who to say this to. But I had to get it out. Maybe it will make me a little more sane about all this, remind me to back off and not ruin a good friendship with my colleague and my marriage. But it probably won't. 

I've never felt this way about anyone before.

[lana-banana]

35 minutes ago, The Macedonian said:

I cheated on my wife/girlfriend at the time regularly  before i met my colleague.

This is the one sentence that makes this different from typical affair stories. You aren't just having a standard midlife crisis or a panic from marrying too young; you clearly should have never married your wife in the first place. You have disrespected, mistreated and lied to her from day one. Even if you did "save" your marriage, would it be worth saving? This situation aside, how is it fair for her to be married to someone who genuinely doesn't want to be with her? How would you feel if she had affairs throughout the course of your relationship?

You need to fess up and, if she's amenable, pursue individual and joint counseling. Even if you choose not to stay married (and who could blame her?) you should at least be on solid enough ground to coparent your son.

[The Macedonian]

51 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

This is the one sentence that makes this different from typical affair stories. You aren't just having a standard midlife crisis or a panic from marrying too young; you clearly should have never married your wife in the first place. You have disrespected, mistreated and lied to her from day one. Even if you did "save" your marriage, would it be worth saving? This situation aside, how is it fair for her to be married to someone who genuinely doesn't want to be with her? How would you feel if she had affairs throughout the course of your relationship?

You need to fess up and, if she's amenable, pursue individual and joint counseling. Even if you choose not to stay married (and who could blame her?) you should at least be on solid enough ground to coparent your son.

Thank you for your response. I admit that. That is why i joined this forum. I needed to get this out of my chest. I love my son more than anything. I am a troubled man. I am a failure. You are totally  right. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, The Macedonian said:

 She enjoys my company.

The reason behind your multiple affairs can be found in these four words.  Your ego is stroked when women enjoy your company, something that has fizzled in your long term relationship, as very often happens.  But, oh well, that's life.  Maybe try to BE more interesting and your partner will FIND you more interesting.  She's not new and shiny like your affair partners, but a lot can be said for the comfort of a long-term partner too.  

Although, I really think you should just let her go since you can't manage fidelity and you're in an open relationship but she's not been informed of the status change....

[The Macedonian]

2 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

The reason behind your multiple affairs can be found in these four words.  Your ego is stroked when women enjoy your company, something that has fizzled in your long term relationship, as very often happens.  But, oh well, that's life.  Maybe try to BE more interesting and your partner will FIND you more interesting.  She's not new and shiny like your affair partners, but a lot can be said for the comfort of a long-term partner too.  

Although, I really think you should just let her go since you can't manage fidelity and you're in an open relationship but she's not been informed of the status change....

I feel terrible that this is what it has become but I cannot control how I have been feeling.  I  lost all interest and feelings for my wife.  I feel like a terrible individual. I don't really know what to do.  I get this sinking feeling when I think about what else I could be doing. Even the thought of letting my wife go gives me the shivers, especially because of my son. I want my son to live with me. I can't imagine my son to not be with me all the time. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 minute ago, The Macedonian said:

I feel terrible that this is what it has become but I cannot control how I have been feeling.

What things have you tried to control these feelings?

[The Macedonian]

3 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

What things have you tried to control these feelings?

I tried not think about this woman my colleague, but it is impossible. I just love her so much. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 minute ago, The Macedonian said:

I tried not think about this woman my colleague, but it is impossible. I just love her so much. 

It's probably infatuation more than actual love, but ok.  What is more important to you - how you feel or your integrity?

[The Macedonian]

2 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

It's probably infatuation more than actual love, but ok.  What is more important to you - how you feel or your integrity?

Why do you think that  It's probably infatuation more than actual love? Please explain that to me? Please be brutally honest?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

13 minutes ago, The Macedonian said:

Why do you think that  It's probably infatuation more than actual love? Please explain that to me? Please be brutally honest?

Love grows and changes through experiencing the good and bad about someone.  What of her "bad" have you seen?  Her breath stinks in the morning too, for example ;).  You haven't experienced the daily grind of chores, bills, etc. with her to know that you love her.  Love also brings out the best in the other person.  Are you bringing out the best in her?  Is she bringing out the best in you?

[The Macedonian]

8 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Love grows and changes through experiencing the good and bad about someone.  What of her "bad" have you seen?  Her breath stinks in the morning too, for example ;).  You haven't experienced the daily grind of chores, bills, etc. with her to know that you love her.  Love also brings out the best in the other person.  Are you bringing out the best in her?  Is she bringing out the best in you?

She kinda brings the best in me. I am happy when i am just talking to her. I feel this energy.

[The Macedonian]

12 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Love grows and changes through experiencing the good and bad about someone.  What of her "bad" have you seen?  Her breath stinks in the morning too, for example ;).  You haven't experienced the daily grind of chores, bills, etc. with her to know that you love her.  Love also brings out the best in the other person.  Are you bringing out the best in her?  Is she bringing out the best in you?

I  admit that i have an ideal picture of her in my head. I felt the same way when i first met my wife. I agree with you that It can take years of being in an intimate relationship to really know someone past the rose colored glasses.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 minute ago, The Macedonian said:

She kinda brings the best in me. I am happy when i am just talking to her. I feel this energy.

She's not bringing out the best in you, which means being a man of honor, honesty, and integrity.  She's making you feel a certain way....feel happy, feel energy.....these are self-serving emotions. There's a HUGE difference.  

Do you think your partner/mother of your child deserves to have a partner who loves her and is faithful to her?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just now, The Macedonian said:

I  admit that i have an ideal picture of her in my head. I felt the same way when i first met my wife. I agree with you that It can take years of being in an intimate relationship to really know someone past the rose colored glasses.

She probably has an ideal picture of you in her head, too.  One you have already proven you can't live up to since you have cheated multiple times on your partner.  

[Watercolors]

3 minutes ago, The Macedonian said:

She kinda brings the best in me. I am happy when i am just talking to her. I feel this energy.

Then it is very possible she is the woman you are supposed to be with. This is not all that uncommon with some long-time married couples. They married for what they thought was the right reason, or whom they thought was the right partner. But then they meet someone they totally click with, and are meant to be with. 

OR...it could be feelings of limerence (fantasizing about a real relationship with her) that you are experiencing, or your response to how you feel about your mid-life (sometimes people transfer their dissatisfaction with their life mid-way through it to having affairs, or making expensive purchases, or completely upending their life and doing something completely different). 

[The Macedonian]

2 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

She's not bringing out the best in you, which means being a man of honor, honesty, and integrity.  She's making you feel a certain way....feel happy, feel energy.....these are self-serving emotions. There's a HUGE difference.  

Do you think your partner/mother of your child deserves to have a partner who loves her and is faithful to her?

But i find myself consistently unhappy with my wife.  Can the level of  happiness I feel with this woman my colleague really ever be brushed off? Isn't there something to be said about how much more infatuated I am with this girl, which is remarkably more than any other girl that I have been with? 

[Watercolors]

Just now, The Macedonian said:

But i find myself consistently unhappy with my wife. 

Find a way to address the reasons you are consistently unhappy with your wife - through therapy, through discussions with your wife about your marriage. But you need to address this reason before you make any moves with your coworker, because if you don't know *why* your coworker is a better choice for you than your wife of 20 years, then you can't really start over with your coworker if she wants to leave her husband for you. Both you and your coworker need to feel grounded in your reasons for each leaving your long-time marriages and partners. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

3 minutes ago, The Macedonian said:

But i find myself consistently unhappy with my wife.

Then leave her.  Or fix it.  These are your two choices.

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Then leave her.  Or fix it.  These are your two choices.

+1. I totally agree here, OP. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Just read the threads on affairs here, where people try to cheat and stay in their marriages. But they rarely succeed. Something has to give. 

Find out what's broken in your marriage first. Once you figure it out, then you will know if your feelings for your coworker is your response based on being afraid to end your marriage bc you no longer love your wife despite being a new father. For example, if you are infatuated with your coworker because you need a distraction from the pressures of new fatherhood, or you feel stagnant in your marriage. 

When you have been married for 20 years, you each grow alongside each other. If both partners aren't supportive of each other's growth, then problems like cheating and having affairs, happens in response to not wanting to address the marriage problems that exist.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Watercolors

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with the advice to read stories here about affairs.  You will see that there is rarely a happy ending and also that what you're experiencing isn't unique or special.  It's typical, following the script word for word.  

[Noproblem]

I can't sympathize , you loved your collogue ( or were crazy about her), but you married your poor wife anyway, when you could've easily not get married and ruined that woman's life, she could have married or be with someone who loves her and someone who doesn't cheat physically with many other random and also emotionally with his collogue.

and on top of that, you had a kid too, so you involved him too.

 

If you love someone, you should end this charade and be with the woman you love! 

Stop ruining the life of all of you, be bold and do the right thing. The right thing is end the joke and betrayal and get divorced!

 

Let me rephrase myself:

Stop playing these two women, be a --- and end one of these relationships, preferably the fake marriage!

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by Noproblem

[Wiseman2]

Is this an arranged marriage simply for the purposes of bearing kids?

Clearly you enjoy avoiding all adult thinking and responsibility by getting caught up in your romantic fantasies 

Get to a doctor and therapist to get your act together. 

You are playing the victim. You're not stuck in your marriage and you're not stuck in an affair.

Your stuck in your head and paralyzed with immaturity and fantasy .

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, The Macedonian said:

My son was born in January 2015, even on that day i was thinking off her. 

This is really sad. 

I would suggest that you divorce your wife, she deserves more than than a husband who spends most of his time fantasizing about other women. You are clearly not meant to be a husband. Divorce, and you will then be able to pursue whatever relationship you chose to pursue. Hopefully, you will be able to coparent together. 

Edited October 18, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, The Macedonian said:

Isn't there something to be said about how much more infatuated I am with this girl, which is remarkably more than any other girl that I have been with? 

You are chasing a fantasy. You have convinced yourself that it’s some great love story, star crossed lovers destined to be together but cruelly kept apart by fate. Pure fantasy. 

Divorce your wife and get with this woman, maybe it would be the fantasy love story that you have created in your head. It’s more likely that real life will intrude and you will argue about household chore, paying the bills, and spending the holidays with each other’s family. And then, it’s likely that you will find another woman to fantasize about. People who involve themselves in affairs tend to create these fantasies for a reason... It’s safe, you get to keep the stability of your family while dreaming about another woman. It’s also a certain kind of coping strategy for life and relationships. But, it’s a little like chasing a rainbow. At some point, you will need to make a decision. You owe it to your wife to make a decision - either get another job and go no contact with this woman or divorce your wife. What you have done to your wife is not fair. 

Edited October 18, 2020 by BaileyB

[PicklesPeanut]

-deleted-

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by PicklesPeanut