IsntItDarling Posted October 17, 2020 Posted October 17, 2020 Intro: I'm 28, I'm a hairdresser, I have a pet parrot (that I had intended to be a cat). I was dating a guy for a little bit under 2 years, but we split up two months ago. I’d been thinking about ending things because we just argued a lot and do I really want to live like that? But then I found out he was messaging another girl and so that was just the end of it for me. He said something though, in one of those final arguments as he was picking up some of his things from my place, he accused me of being cynical, he said I’m impossible, that what he did was wrong, but that ‘it’s hard to build something genuinely deep with someone that might go through all the motions but never really makes you feel like she’s 100% in”. A) I don’t think that’s very fair, B) I think he’s a d***! And why would I take seriously anything he says, and C) Out of everyyything, that comment keeps coming back to me ....I guess, maybe the truth hurts? ..All my girls come to me for relationship advice, I don’t think I’m a cynic, I just think I’m ‘no nonsense’, that I know my own worth, that I’m realistic. But, that said, I can understand that although I think I’m a good girlfriend and I do all the right things, I maybe don’t always say the right things! I’m not very good at telling people how I feel about them! So last week I was having a movie night with my best friend (who I grew up with, and even shared a flat with for a while as an adult), and she said that her new boyfriends friend went to school with us, they got talking, and to cut out a lot of things that don’t really matter.. he mentioned my old ‘high school sweetheart’ (I’ll call him Doug), apparently his kid sister does little vlogs about music, apparently she interviewed him a couple of months ago for it, apparently this guys says Doug mentioned me, not by name but ‘obvious if you know’. I just thought, that’s weird, whatever. I wasn’t particularly interested, I haven’t really thought about this guy in probably like 7/8 years. But then I got home, and I was just curious, so I did some serious internet stalking till I found it... Lil sis asks Doug to rate some new songs.. ‘Space’ by Biffy Clyro is one, he says “One of those songs that you feel like you’ve heard before the very first time you hear it! This song hits me hard actually, for me it’s the girl I was head over heels for when I was like 17, but the whole world tells you you’re too young and, you know ‘puppy love’, and I wish I hadn’t listened to them because I’m much older, I’ve got stray grey hairs coming though, and yet I’ve never felt half as strong for anyone else as I did for her! [laughs] I mean I don’t stalk her newsfeed or anything, I think she’s with a fella but you know when a certain persons photo pops up on the gram and you think daymm? ‘Space’ is the exact same daymm!” I’ve rewatched and listened to that way more time’s than I would ever admit to ANYONE!! I can’t stop playing it, because - I feel the same! I dated him from when I was 15-19. I was so in love with him, I thought we’d be together for the rest of my life. That’s what it’s like when you’re a teenager, right? But then I’ve just been thinking about it loads and I haven’t ever felt that same way since, no ones ever made me laugh as much as him(he’s so funny), or feel as safe (cheesy I know), or as proud (does that make sense? I had so much respect for him, of course we had banter but honestly I really respected him as a person). He was the one person where I felt like I wasn’t ‘realistic’ ...I just loved him (he was a part time magician back then and he would never ever tell me how he did any of his tricks he always wanted me to ‘just believe’). Anyway, it all leaves me a bit confused. I’m normally 100% in the don’t go back to an ex club! Truth is I let everyone (including him) think it was really mutual when we split up all those years ago but I was actually heartbroken to be honest. So I have all these questions going on 1) is it too soon? I’ve only been single a couple of months 2) Is contacting your ex as bad an idea as I’ve always advised all my friends it is? 3) I don’t even have his number anymore, I’d have to message him on Instagram, and what am I even going to say? 4) He might think I’m a nutter? 5) He might not though.. 6) I can’t mention the obscure little video that he made 2 months ago otherwise I will look like a low-key stalker, and then he will definitely think I’m a nutter!! 7) But also it’s weird to just say ‘hey’ after 8 years! I’m half joking but I’m also half serious, like I really don’t know if I do need to step outside my comfort zone and message him because I feel every single word that he said and if he feels that too is it criminal to waste that? But at the same time, texting your ex when you’ve just split up with someone sounds like a disaster zone
FMW Posted October 17, 2020 Posted October 17, 2020 If you can find a way to get back in touch with him through mutual friends in a more organic way, I think it would be ok. But I would avoid directly contacting him out of the blue in a targeted way. Sure, he might be happy about it, but then again who knows. I think your interest in him is mostly coming from your recent experience with the end of your relationship. You're naturally attracted to the distraction and possibility for something to make you feel wanted. It's common to look back at possible missed chances in our past when we are feeling alone and unsettled. What your ex said about you being cynical has undoubtedly knocked your confidence. Don't be too quick to reach out for someone else, especially someone with whom you share mutual friends and old ties. Make sure you're feeling more stable and settled on your own. Talk with your mutual friends and mention that you would be interested in seeing him again, maybe something can happen in that way. 2 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 You just ended a relationship...too soon if you want a relationship. love as teens isn’t as adults with actual responsibility...and people change have you givrn thought about what re ent ex said..you go through the motions but really fine go all in in relationships? 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 Given that you'd been thinking about breaking up with your bf because you argued a lot it seems to me you were done with him before the two of you broke up. Factoring that in I would say it's not too soon to contact the ex. But, best to have a friend who knows you both set you up, I suppose. Definitely go for it, though! 2
Giovane Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 11 hours ago, IsntItDarling said: Intro: I'm 28, I'm a hairdresser, I have a pet parrot (that I had intended to be a cat). 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: love as teens isn’t as adults with actual responsibility...and people change I was about to say the same thing. I think you're romanticizing the past and forgetting that who you both are as adults might not be conducive to a second try, OP. It's not impossible that you'd still gel well, but who we are as teens and who we are in adulthood tend to be quite different. I would caution you against assuming you'd have the same butterflies for each other now, all these years later. If you do decide to reach out, a simple message to say hello and see how he's doing would suffice. See if he reciprocates, and take it from there. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 Agree being on the rebound can play tricks with your mind. Why not ask your mutual friends more about him? Is he married, available etc? 1
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 18, 2020 Author Posted October 18, 2020 12 hours ago, FMW said: If you can find a way to get back in touch with him through mutual friends in a more organic way, I think it would be ok. But I would avoid directly contacting him out of the blue in a targeted way. Sure, he might be happy about it, but then again who knows. Mmm I like this.. I’d like the sort of low pressure of a party or something where we could just have a chat and I could see if we still had any of what was there before, or if it’s just nostalgia at this point! But we’re living in a ‘Rule of 6’ covid world at the moment.. and he’s my best friends, boyfriends, friends, friend... like that would be a weird party list! I could ask my friend to set me up with him, like a blind date or something, but I just think that’s SO much pressure. I thought maybe like a message just opens that door a crack without being too much! But I do agree, he’ll probably think it’s weird cause it’s so out the blue! 12 hours ago, FMW said: I think your interest in him is mostly coming from your recent experience with the end of your relationship. You're naturally attracted to the distraction and possibility for something to make you feel wanted. It's common to look back at possible missed chances in our past when we are feeling alone and unsettled. What your ex said about you being cynical has undoubtedly knocked your confidence. Don't be too quick to reach out for someone else, especially someone with whom you share mutual friends and old ties. Make sure you're feeling more stable and settled on your own. Mmmm yeah preach that! I definitely know what you’re saying. You are right, he has knocked my confidence I guess. I mean, I do feel stable, I’m not terribly upset about my ex, the truth is that our relationship hadn’t been good for a while. I think though if I think about ‘Doug’ that was definitely the best relationship dynamic I ever had. I think that’s why there’s a part of me that wants to know if I would still have that dynamic with him. I certainly didn’t realise all those years ago that that sort of dynamic would be so hard to find! I’ve never actually considered that thought though until I heard him say what he said.
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 18, 2020 Author Posted October 18, 2020 7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: love as teens isn’t as adults with actual responsibility...and people change 1000% That is literally what I would say if one of my friends asked me what I was asking! That’s why I was disinterested when my friend first told me about his video. That’s why I’ve never really thought about him in yearsss! But then when I actually watched that video, heard his voice after all this time I can’t help but feel just a tiney tiny bit there’s just something about him! But yeah you’re not wrong, I could actually meet him and it could be flat and dry and nothing there between us anymore! It’s a coin toss isn’t it! 7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: have you givrn thought about what re ent ex said..you go through the motions but really fine go all in in relationships? Yep! Probably too much thought! I think, it’s unfair to say I went through motions, because it sounds like I didn’t care or wasn’t fully present for him. But I was! Yes he did the ‘chasing’ initially but ultimately it was me that really drove us forward through like relationship steps! His first love was rugby not me, and yet I went to every single game, even if it was freaking hailing rocks from the sky, and stood there with his family and watched him play. I didn’t go looking for arguments, I’m just not a pushover (and a lot of the time I felt like he was too sensitive, but how do you tell someone that without sounding like an ice queen!). I think it’s unfair because I don’t think he’s referring to big actions, I think he would have liked me to be more PDA, and give him more positive reformation with my words .........and that’s just not who I am! Or at least not who I ever was with him. Honestly, I hope he has a good life - but we weren’t right together! I’d known that for a while! 1
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 18, 2020 Author Posted October 18, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I was about to say the same thing. I think you're romanticizing the past and forgetting that who you both are as adults might not be conducive to a second try, OP. It's not impossible that you'd still gel well, but who we are as teens and who we are in adulthood tend to be quite different. I would caution you against assuming you'd have the same butterflies for each other now, all these years later. If you do decide to reach out, a simple message to say hello and see how he's doing would suffice. See if he reciprocates, and take it from there. Oh I do know that! I’m going off what like his Instagram page and a 6 min video of him with his sister! I know that until/unless I meet him in the flesh I can’t say that we would still have the same connection we did! The other thing that like scares me just a little bit () is even if I did still really like him, he could totally not feel the same about me! Maybe I’ve got old and boring - I don’t think so, but he might! 50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why not ask your mutual friends more about him? Is he married, available etc? She said he’s single. We do follow each other on Instagram so I have vaguely seen the ‘edited for social media, highlight reel of his life’. He moved abroad (when we broke up), but I know that he’s moved back to where we grew up and seems to have taken over the family farm. His instagram is now basically loads of pictures of him with sheep. (bit of a concern in itself that ) 3
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 1 minute ago, IsntItDarling said: His instagram is now basically loads of pictures of him with sheep. So he lives with his significant others? 1
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 18, 2020 Author Posted October 18, 2020 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: So he lives with his significant others? Hahah you know my friend, you know!! ...and he’s got hundreds of them!! Am I contemplating getting involved with a severe polygamist at this point!? 2
Ollie180 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 7 hours ago, IsntItDarling said: (bit of a concern in itself that ) You’re funny OP! Whats the worst result if you message him? He doesn't message back! Is that so bad? I think you’d be just fine so, might as well shoot your shot girl! 4 2
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) You are overthinking it....He’s just a guy. Like a lot of people, you think of someone and seek them out to say hi. That’s all you have to do...it’s like opening a novel you haven’t read yet. Remember, you two are not the teenagers you were years ago. Things about yourselves will be different, so who knows what it going to be like with you two. Give it a go. You can’t make changes in your life without taking a risk or two right? All you have to fear is fear itself....it’s not going to kill you to say hello. Edited October 18, 2020 by smackie9 1 1
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 18, 2020 Author Posted October 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Ollie180 said: You’re funny OP! Whats the worst result if you message him? He doesn't message back! Is that so bad? I think you’d be just fine so, might as well shoot your shot girl! Haha thank you yeah, you’re right you are! Probably at this point I kind of have to because not knowing is going to be worse than whatever the outcome. (...I just regret taking the mick out of my friends by calling 2020 the ‘year of text your ex’ - because look at me now! ) 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: You are overthinking it....He’s just a guy. Like a lot of people, you think of someone and seek them out to say hi. That’s all you have to do...it’s like opening a novel you haven’t read yet. Remember, you two are not the teenagers you were years ago. Things about yourselves will be different, so who knows what it going to be like with you two. Give it a go. You can’t make changes in your life without taking a risk or two right? All you have to fear is fear itself....it’s not going to kill you to say hello. Yeah you’re right actually. Maybe it only feels weird for me to message him because I’ve seen that video! People message people they haven’t spoken too in ages all the time, right? Maybe he won’t think it’s too bizarre. Yeah, I know that’s a big few years as well, you’re kids at 19 and actual adult humans at 28! I know that we might have grown apart, or maybe not. I do just hope that, it isn’t the recent breakup that puts him off though! I don’t want him to think I’m just on the rebound (and you can’t exactly say to someone “I’m not on the rebound” because that’s the most reboundish thing ever!! But genuinely, I know that that relationship went south (quite far south), but honestly I feel in a good place, I felt relieved it was over tbh. It was a weight off in some ways. So I’m really not just trying to latch on to the next half way interested man!!) 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 It's probably fine to frame it as catching up/saying hi because you ran into those friends. Or.. Get bold and send him a video of yourself doing goat yoga , let him know you are farm animal friendly 2 1
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 You are just reaching out to say hi and to catch up, not asking for a relationship. Dating may happen months from now or not. Put those expectations aside and go in with an open mind. 1
Giovane Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 I contacted an old crush earlier this summer. Nothing came off it, but you know what? The girl had not been a part of my life any more, and so I felt that by reaching out, I really had nothing to lose. Still feel that way. 2 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) On 10/17/2020 at 5:04 PM, IsntItDarling said: I have a pet parrot (that I had intended to be a cat). Well, that must have been a shock! Edited October 19, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic 1
kendahke Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 I'd find a way to get in touch with him, if for nothing else to make sure he's not involved with someone else. That way, you can rein in your fantasies about getting back with him. If he's free, then you can let them off their leash and see how things redevelop between you two. But first, I'd get ahold of him to make sure he's available. 1
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's probably fine to frame it as catching up/saying hi because you ran into those friends. Or.. Get bold and send him a video of yourself doing goat yoga , let him know you are farm animal friendly I just googled what goat yoga was! AS IF that is a thing, as if!! What have I just seen! When we were like 16/17 and it was lambing time, he used to do ‘date nights’ where he’d use an old projector to play films in the lambing barn.. he’d put up blankets and that and we’d watch movies......but it would take like 4 hours to get though a 2 hour film because he’d be up checking ewes every two seconds! (So I think I deserve the farm animal friendly ). 1
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 @Giovane yeah you’re not wrong, what do I really have to lose? If I end up looking like an idiot then I look like an idiot 18 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Well, that must have been a shock! Haha you’re telling me!! I went to the rescue shelter for a cat, and the guy kept on telling me “oh yeah but this parrot blah blah blah”! Luckily I’m the kinda girl who knows what she wants and isn’t easily influenced....the kinda girl who walked out of there with a parrot called DJ! 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, IsntItDarling said: Haha you’re telling me!! I went to the rescue shelter for a cat, and the guy kept on telling me “oh yeah but this parrot blah blah blah”! Luckily I’m the kinda girl who knows what she wants and isn’t easily influenced....the kinda girl who walked out of there with a parrot called DJ! Haha! I love birds. I've never had one, but I could see myself getting one someday.
Author IsntItDarling Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) I messaged him! I just said like: Hey, stranger! Your name come up the other day and I though there’s someone I haven’t spoken to in the longest time! You’re back in [home town] right? ...(like I haven’t stalked his socials last week to know exactly where he’s living ) He went straight online and messaged me back almost instantly: no way!! I literally said your name to [his brother] the other day! What a coincidence! How you going mate? ....I guess I didn’t need to worry about him leaving me hanging, but I wasn’t ready for him to reply so quickly either!! I thought the ‘mate’ could maybe be read as flirty (I told him off for calling me, his gf, ‘mate’ when we were 15, so then he used to do it just to wind me up.....in the end, it just stuck like these things do, I didn’t even mind it anymore). On the other hand, he’s a very friendly guy, he could have just used an old nickname to be friendly I left it a bit (cause you know, I don’t want to be an eager beaver ) and then messaged him again: Great minds, huh! Im good yeah. [insert a few anecdotes about my life and questions about his] He replied after like 15 mins, replying to absolutely nothing I said, and just wrote: Don’t write, call me [phone number] x Literallyyyyyy who does that!!? Now I have to call him, and I can’t plan what I’m going to say Plus like is that a bit flirty? Or do I just think that’s flirty because something about the guy makes me feel like a 15 year old school girl again? (I’m sighing at myself here so none of you have too ) I’ll call him in a bit I guess Edited October 19, 2020 by IsntItDarling 3 1
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