Let it go or act?

[Freespiritgirl]

So I had this friend that i know for 3 years. We saw each other in parties and special occasions, we also used to go out with all a group of friends together and never ever saw him differently than a friend, also because he was a very close friend of my ex ( that i dumped like one year a half now). We managed to stay in touch even after the break up and one day he invited to a thing and at the end on the night we had a crazy chemistry i don’t even know how that happened but we kissed. It was fireworks. Since that day we started seeing each other differently and we became more close to even travel together like a real couple and do activities and stuff together. After a while, we realized that what we have is not just physical but we do enjoy being together and made it exclusive. Since then, things went really well. However, i know he is a player and still have contact with his exes but in my mind i know that he respect me enough to do me any harm and always appreciated his honesty. Lately i felt like he started doing less effort to be with me and that i am the one who really want to see him more and he’s not in the same energy. I might be wrong and just thought like that because i know that if someone doesn’t give me a lot of attention i become a baby. So the thing is normally i should be able to tell him how i feel and the fact that i don’t really enjoy that he gaves a lot of his time to other people and not me. But the thing is i cant imagine myself looking vulnerable, i dont know but i felt like he’s the kind of guy that do everything right in the beguining to make the girl obsessed with him and then pull back and make her always following him. In order to not be that girl because my ego would not let me, i just stopped talking to him without any reason. I was expecting that he asked why i stopped or at least try, well guess what he did the same. It has been 2 weeks now. Not a single word. Should i talk or not? The fact that he didn’t talk confirms that he’s a player with me too? Or he’s just waiting for me to talk because he thinks i need space. Honestly i am very confused and very disappointed the fact that he can just let me go like that. It is true that i just stopped talking without notice but SO DID HE. Is it like the end? I hope someone can give me a new perspective. He’s very independent and i am too, but the fact that he gave me less attention than before affected me directly. Do you really think a person that you know for years can just give up on you because there is no communication ? Thank you in advance 

[elaine567]

34 minutes ago, Freespiritgirl said:

Lately i felt like he started doing less effort to be with me and that i am the one who really want to see him more and he’s not in the same energy.

My guess he was on a slow fade or was about to end it, so when you stopped talking, he jumped at the chance to end it easily without having to  get his hands dirty.
In his eyes you ended it and he was soooo relieved... You stopped talking and he went "Phew Thank God for that...."
He then did nothing to try to make it better or discuss why you stopped talking, just in case you got the wrong idea..  
He basically got rid of you without having to do or say anything.
Sorry!

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Freespiritgirl said:

 But the thing is i cant imagine myself looking vulnerable, i dont know but i felt like he’s the kind of guy that do everything right in the beguining to make the girl obsessed with him and then pull back and make her always following him. In order to not be that girl because my ego would not let me, i just stopped talking to him without any reason. I was expecting that he asked why i stopped or at least try, well guess what he did the same. It has been 2 weeks now. Not a single word. Should i talk or not? The fact that he didn’t talk confirms that he’s a player with me too? Or he’s just waiting for me to talk because he thinks i need space. Honestly i am very confused and very disappointed the fact that he can just let me go like that. It is true that i just stopped talking without notice but SO DID HE. Is it like the end?

Yeah, seems like you made your move and so he is now making his. You will have to live with that, but it was probably inevitable anyhow. Since he's the type who keeps in touch with Ex's, I suspect he will let the relationship end, but eventually come around for time together, "attention", and possibly more IF you'll give it to him. But you won't be a real couple again.

An alternative hypothesis is that he's hurt and nursing his wounded pride and/or starting to move on, but with a guy like this I very strongly suspect that's NOT the case.

So my thought overall is that you'll be seeing him again eventually, but not as a BF, more just an orbiter ex and/or FWB. Suggest you don't settle for that UNLESS it's actually what you want. Your best move IMO will be to take a while to emotionally recover and then move on.

[Freespiritgirl]

Thank you for your opinions. It really hurts because we had a good thing going on, and never imagined that he would just let me go like that because he knows my history, i know his, and we have so much in common, i just find it hard to believe that he just saw as another girl on his hit list. Another thing that make me believe he is really serious about us, is the fact my ex got super mad when he knew we are kind of dating, also our friends got shocked but he didn’t care about anyone and tell them that he choose me anyway and stopped talking to his friends because of us. So it is confusing. Plus, he is kind of used to be chased by women and not the opposite, and me im used to be chased by men and not the opposite, so i also think maybe an ego battle. Because one time i got mad and ignores him for 2 days and then when i felt better and come back talked to him he told me he wanted to leave me alone until i feel better. The thing is now i have a big urge to talk to him because i need closer in order to move on but at the same time i am afraid that you guys are right and he just took the opportunity to go away without any problems and now he’s happy because he get rid of me without drama.. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think it is likely that the player  just happened across somebody that he is more interested in playing with  in the present.

 

This does not always mean a direct comparison between person A and person B...    for person B may have been somebody who was tangent to his past, but who was always in a relationship, and with whom he never had a chance before.   With that amount of interest  having built-up over years, it isn't typically a fair comparison when just assessing the qualities of person A and person B before just comparing.

 

 

[Freespiritgirl]

So you think a player stays always a player and there is no way that he’s just waiting for me to talk to him. Because we could have just have fun and not develop a relationship but he was the one who insisted on the fact he wanted to be exclusive and that he started have feelings. That is why i find it hard to just turn the page and admit he played and now that he reached his fantasy the fun is over. 

[mark clemson]

SOG will of course have his own views, but I'll chime in that a player doesn't necessarily stay a player, BUT I suspect it's not necessarily a specific woman that gets him to settle down, but more a decision about "where he is in life", that he's ready to settle down more or less, tired of "games", etc, etc.

If he's not there yet (and it doesn't sound like this guy is), then I don't think the specifics of who he is or isn't with will do much to change things.

[Freespiritgirl]

I think you are right. It is more about what he wants today in his life. Reading all this perspectives is very helpful because it made me realize that he is someone that is not afraid from obstacles when he wants something, the fact that he didn’t react to my silence is a reaction it self. It is hard, because if he was just slightly curious he would tried to reach even if he risks rejection if it’s what he fears. The fact that he didn’t  even try for our friendship first is disappointing. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You were both on the rebound. You were happy hooking up with this guy "made your ex super mad."

Unfortunately you have zero respect for this guy, calling him a "player", etc.

You need to stop using and manipulating people. You used this "friend" to attempt to make your ex jealous.

Then, you give this "player", as you call him, the silent treatment for 2 weeks and wonder what went wrong.

You need to stop playing games and manipulating men. As you can see it just backfires.

Now both your ex and this guy want nothing to do with you.

Clean up your act and stop using drama and manipulation for attention.

Edited October 17, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

Truth is you never play distancing games with people you are afraid to lose. 
Making someone jealous, suggesting a break, ignoring or stonewalling them are all risky manoeuvres as they can all result in that person just walking away.
If they are someone you care a lot about, then best to do all you can to keep them on side not push them away.

[Freespiritgirl]

I just want to be clear about something, i did not use this guy to make my ex jalous or whatever. The chemistry was just there between me and this guy. The fact that i gave him silent treatment is also because i felt like he is playing me, the fact he still have contact with his exes and stopped being very attentive towards me. I needed reassurance from his side but didn’t have the gut to talk to him directly because i was scared that he will just be happy because i started have feelings for him. So Wiseman2 i am not manipulating anyone in this story and all i wanted is that he shows me he really cares and i am not just another girl on his list. Maybe i should’ve talked instead ghosting but in that moment i felt like i don’t want to talk anymore. If i was manipulating him i wouldn’t be here asking for advice about all this.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Freespiritgirl said:

 In order to not be that girl because my ego would not let me, i just stopped talking to him without any reason. 

It has been 2 weeks now. Not a single word.

You ghosted him, so he ended it. You are so afraid of him "being a player"  and so craving excess attention that you resorted to ghosting him, hoping to get his attention.   That is game playing. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

Just forget this guy. You don't trust him and it was not working out. 

[Freespiritgirl]

Little update: I felt bad for the ghosting so i took my courage with 2 hands and texted him. He answered really quickly and we end up talking on the phone, he told me that he wanted to call me but he didn’t understand why i stopped talking to him just like that. I suggest to him to talk about this face to face when he comeback  because he traveled. He was really nice and sweet and accepted to talk about it and he updated about all what happened to him this 2 weeks. I think my fear to be hurt played a huge role on my way of doing things and the fact he was gentle and called me back twice proves that he might be more mature that i thought. I think i have to work on my communication skills and maybe this guy will help me to work on that. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I wasn't exactly highlighting any traits of 'a player'.

 

But in so many of these sudden/surprising scenarios of someone seeming to have abandoned  a budding relationship that was going well...

some factor  which is in no way reflective OF the qualities of the person who was abandoned, was considerably prominent  in a way that the person who was abandoned could never get all of the information to fully understand what inspired the abandoning person to head toward a different direction.

 

Just consider the number of (random) people who return to their exes...   it is seldom because an objective, side-by-side comparison OF two potential lovers says that the ex is a better choice.  Instead it is human psychology that people value their own experiences, memories and investments  in others.

It is too easy for somebody seemingly abandoned to feel the need to assess themselves as if they did something wrong  somehow (and can't identify just what it was).

 

And it is quite difficult to recognize no fault in yourself, and move on, presenting the exact, same very appealing  person you are, to the next prospect.

It is so important to do just that.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Freespiritgirl said:

Little update: I felt bad for the ghosting so i took my courage with 2 hands and texted him. He answered really quickly and we end up talking on the phone

I think my fear to be hurt played a huge role on my way of doing things and the fact he was gentle and called me back twice proves that he might be more mature that i thought. I think i have to work on my communication skills and maybe this guy will help me to work on that. 

Excellent. Good you are slowly starting to trust people based on who they are rather than the past.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP. 

You'd already sensed him pulling back prior to this and not making much time for you. That isn't the behaviour of a guy who's really interested (unless you expect an unreasonable and unsustainable amount of attention)

My sense is that he likes you well enough, but he's not invested the way you are. Be cautious proceeding. Have an honest talk when he gets back. 

[Freespiritgirl]

I would like to thank you for all this opinions, helped me alot. You guys are right, i did feel that we weren’t on the same level of investment that is why i freaked out. It could also be about personalities. I am very passionate person so when i care about someone or something i give 150% and i have to be okey with the fact that we might be different and that i might be wanting more. I also believe that my trust issues made me act that way. However now i am sure that he does like me and not just playing, like yesterday once i made the first step towards him, he spent the whole day talking to me and sharing with me what he is doing etc. However, while having the discussion it would be important to talk about what he’s looking for in this relationship. It’s true that i know him as a friend but not as a boyfriend. Communication will give me clear idea about where are we heading to and understand how he sees things. But i did understand that i have to let go of my failed relationships of the past and not project what i lived before on him. Either it works with him or not, i believe that i am learning a lot about my self and the unresolved issues that i thought not really exciting.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to give 150%. People find that suffocating, clingy and high maintenance..

You need to retain your autonomy, boundaries, personal interests, friends, family, work, etc.

When you over invest it's bad for you and it pushes people away.