leighmc Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I'm just curious what people think of this. Should you be honest and tell the person you are dating how many people you have slept with in the past? If you have been safe and know you are STD free does the truth really need to be told? On the other hand, relationships should always be based on honesty.
hooghie Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 If the other person really wants to know, I think you should be honest. I could care less how many people my BF has been with- I have a general idea based on knowing a lot of his history with women and knowing him. If it were to turn out that he misled about his lifestyle and in reality has slept with many more people, I would be very upset. If he let me know in the beginning, it wouldn't have mattered. My question is- why is there a double standard? Seems like the number for women before they are called a slut is much lower than an acceptable number for men.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 If there is nothing that will affect the health of the other partner, then I'm not sure why someone would be compelled to say. Is it really their business who you were with, or how many people you were with if there is absolutely nothing that carries over that would affect their health or well being? Should your sexual past be retroactively subject to the possessiveness, insecurity and jealousy of another person if there are no health issues involved whatsoever?
helena abadi Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 i agree entirely with lucrezia. if there was no health issue involved, i never revealed anything. the past is the past is the past. some people feel threatened by a partner who has had many more previous partners than they have. particularly if it's the guy who is less experienced. if the other person really honestly wants to know....ask why they want to know? how would it enhance the relationship? what's the point? if there is an uneasy feeling that the person was too easy.. say a guy, for example, had ****ed anything with a pulse, then that general impression would come to the surface pretty early in the relationship anyway. discussion about general relationship and sexual attitudes get talked about pretty quickly. yes, the slut ratio for women is a lot lower than it is for men. sigh. as unfair as it may seem, i don't think it will ever change.
BadBadGirl Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 i think it would be fair to say "i don't wish to discuss it as i do not see how it is any business of anyone's but my own. i would rather tell you this than lie to you. all you need to know is that i am healthy and disease-free." if a person is not willing to accept that explanation, move on. other than health reasons, they have no right to expect you to divulge such personal information, even if they are curious and think they "need" to know.
alphamale Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Should you be honest and tell the person you are dating how many people you have slept with in the past? I utilize Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" policy on this. I've had sex with 40+ women and would not divulge this info to a new potential lover. If she asks once I tell her it is private....if she asks a 2nd time I just lie and say 10 or 12... If you have been safe and know you are STD free does the truth really need to be told? If you are asked, then yes.... if you are not asked then you are under no obligation to tell.
housebaby Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Being that I know I am STD free (regular check's are a MUST) --- I never devulge the true number - a man would not understand. The double standard is always going to be there. A person can take the number I give the 'need to know' guy, and multipy that by 10, and that's the true answer! Of couse, they would never know - and I don't think they really need to...I don't think it would make anything easier/better in a relationship if they really knew how many men I've been with sexually.
slubberdegullion Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Funny this comes up. One of my FWB partners asked me the exact same thing yesterday. I obfuscated. Didn't exactly lie, but didn't divulge everything either. I know that I'm STD free because I check on a pretty regular basis, so that's not a problem. I really don't care how many men my partner has been with. Given the fact that she's with me and not with them, is satisfied and not looking at anyone else, is enough for me. My ego is not that big that I need to know her entire history.
basscatcher Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Should you be honest and tell the person you are dating how many people you have slept with in the past? NO. If a man was drilling me about my past sex life he is looking for problems or creating them so he doesnt have to reveal his own inadequacy's. He will attempt to undermine my reputation before his own during a breakup. If you have been safe and know you are STD free does the truth really need to be told? I believe in telling the truth about STD's not about how many partners you've had. I get a STD panel done after every relationship... I share that info with my new partner when the time is right. For his peace of mind. I expect him to be honest with me as well or I may resort to impersonating 'Loriena Bobbit" if he makes me sick. On the other hand, relationships should always be based on honesty. I believe in honesty-completely, except: *if the truth will destroy something/someone when it it isn't really harmful to someones health, quality of life, or reputation. Why make a issue out of something that isn't connected to the present and wont harm the present. How many partners ones had in the past is their past. It isnt the present..
933KJL Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I have heard that: Men tend to take their real number and subtract to give a woman the answer she wants to hear. Women take their real number and add to give the men the answer they want to hear. Personally I say you don't need to divlge it unless you want to. It is between you and the 43 people you have slept with. All that matters is that you are with each other now and that ought to be good enough. Besides it is opening up for a conflict--the old you are so experienced (read: slut) and you are so inexperienced (read: clod in bed) just don't go there and just don't tell. Do a jig like Ashlee Simpson
alphamale Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I have heard that: Men tend to take their real number and subtract to give a woman the answer she wants to hear. Well yeah of course 933JKL... when I'm with someone new and about to have sex for the 1st time with her it is going be sorta hard to tell her the real figure. I would not tell her anyways but if she pressed the iss ue I would lie thru my teeth. I mean if she thinks she's gonna be #43 or #54 or whatever its not gonna be conducive to romance and loving, he heh eh heh heh. A bit of skullduggery is always a good thing. In addition, my standard answer if she asks me the 1st time how many women i've been with is...."well, honey, i've been around the block a few times". Which, in essence, could mean anything
Art_Critic Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 If asked I alway's tell the truth.. But my number isn't like Alpha's.. I'm under 20 If someone had a problem with it I would just move on.. Why would anybody lie about their own history?
alphamale Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 If asked I alway's tell the truth.. But my number isn't like Alpha's.. but if I tell them the truth A_C, then I cannot keep on increasing the numbers. they think I'm a man-whore. Which I am...but I don't want them to know about it
TUDOR Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 but if I tell them the truth A_C, then I cannot keep on increasing the numbers. they think I'm a man-whore. Which I am...but I don't want them to know about it I'm with you Alpha, I think once you get past a certain # men are looked at as manhores just as society looks at women for being with more than 10 to 12 men or what ever the number is. Just because you break 40, 50..etc doesn't make you a manwhore. In fact I like to think it makes you well educated and should be looked at as how much more experience you bring to the table.
kitten chick Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Why would anybody lie about their own history? Fear that the other individual will pass judgement and reject based on an insignificant fact. People have a hard time living in the here and now. Some people aren't mature enough or have their own issues that they make the other person's sexual history an issue. The number of people that someone has or has not slept with does not always have a strong bearing on their current being.
alphamale Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Fear that the other individual will pass judgement and reject based on an insignificant fact....The number of people that someone has or has not slept with does not always have a strong bearing on their current being. I agree K_C....I will never reveal my real numbers to someone new or if we're in a casual relationship but if I'm in a heavy-duty long-term relationship I will be more honest about the facts and figures.... The one-nighters don't really need to know how many other women have had my c*ck in their mouths
BigB Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I've only been with 3 women so I've never needed to lie about it.
JS17 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I've only been with 3 women so I've never needed to lie about it. Some people pass judgement if you've been with too few men/women too. Unfortunately I have found it necessary to lie about this. It's the only thing I ever lie about.
Art_Critic Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Some people pass judgement if you've been with too few men/women too. Unfortunately I have found it necessary to lie about this. It's the only thing I ever lie about. I don't buy the two few number idea of lying Js.. My ex wife had only been with 1 before me ( she was in a previous marriage for 17 yrs ) and I never had a problem with it.. Just because she had only had 1 lover doesn't mean she she hadn't had alot of sex.
JS17 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I don't buy the two few number idea of lying Js.. My ex wife had only been with 1 before me ( she was in a previous marriage for 17 yrs ) and I never had a problem with it.. Just because she had only had 1 lover doesn't mean she she hadn't had alot of sex. Unfortunately when you're with someone who has a dysfunction, they will care.
alphamale Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I've only been with 3 women so I've never needed to lie about it. you may want to lie BIGB and say 6 or 9 multiples of "3" are always good...
BigB Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Some people pass judgement if you've been with too few men/women too. Unfortunately I have found it necessary to lie about this. It's the only thing I ever lie about. I usually follow up my 3 with an explanation about how I don't like casual sex and have always felt that I only want to sleep with women I love. Seems to make it a little less scary of a number. Current girl I'm chasing thought it was sweet. She also asked why I haven't been in a relationship or had sex for the last 7 years. I explained that I'm kinda shy, and hadn't yet met the right girl. I of course added that I think she's the right girl .
Cecelius Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Does honest mean you have to tell if you haven't been asked? No. if the dude is dopey enough to ask? Yes (well, no you don't have to be honest about it but I guess you don't have to be honest about anything if you don't want to). Personally, I don't care to date people who have slept around too much too recently. I'm not interested in treading territory that some other guy was just in a couple weeks back, and I don't plan to hang around with a lot of fomer f-buddies. Also, where the body count is extreme (which as far as I am concerned is more than 10 and more that 2-3 ONS), there are usually self-esteem issues that just make a person unattractive. In the end, a girl who is more selective than others about whom she sleeps with is just more attractive. HOWEVER, I do not prefer to ask -- unless the skeletons start coming out of the closet on their own, I assume the past is the past and I don't seek it out. On the other hand, if the girl is one of those who just loves to reveal things, I can't help being put off by what is volunteered. Just don't have your B/F hanging around a party with a dude you used to have sex with where the B/F doesn't know -- that's just rude.
TUDOR Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Just don't have your B/F hanging around a party with a dude you used to have sex with where the B/F doesn't know -- that's just rude. Precisely why I told my wife that before our wedding there would be 3 other women there that I had sex with. Long story!
Author leighmc Posted October 14, 2005 Author Posted October 14, 2005 i agree with the majority of people, the current b/f - g/f doesn't need to know if it doesn't effect them in any way. For me personally, I am 28 years old and single. I have been having sex for 10 years and have only had a few serious relationships. I have dated alot of people and have had alot of fun in the past. If I were to tell a new partner that I have been with 25 guys (just an example) that sounds really bad but if you look at it, it's only 2.5 guys per year which doesn't sound as bad. I think it's worse for a woman because she is portrayed as a slut if she's had a lot of partners and I don't want any potential relationship to consider me a slut when I haven't cheated on anybody in my life. I've just been having fun and enjoying the single life. I really hate the double standards!
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