Okay with boyfriend going to the strip club in very new relationship?

[Confoosedgal]

So, I have been thinking about breaking off with this guy, but before I do I want to get the story out there first. In a previous post, I told others that we have been together for 3 months it is still a fairly new relationship. When I met his friends for the first time, he lacked appropriate social skills to introduce me and basically ignored me the entire time and didn't really make me feel welcome at all. He lacks a lot of social skills and I'm starting to notice he doesn't really have a strong knack for awareness or reading the room either. For example, when I tried to plan a romantic getaway just the 2 of us to another city, he tried to stupidly invite his friends along with their annoying kid. I shut that down real quick and told him I wasn't okay with his friends coming along on our first romantic getaway trip. Like wtf? He apologized and said he didn't really perceive it the way I was. 

So, Friday both of us get out of work early. So, I asked him if he would like to come and swim in our pool (we just got it fixed) for a few hours and then go out to dinner. He said yes he would love to. This was 5 days ago. Last night, he calls me and tells me his coworkers invited him to the strip club after work. He said he RARELY goes, he's only ever been twice in his life. 

I ask, "So, what you're cancelling our plans then?"

And he goes, "No, no. We get off work at 12. So, we would just go for like an hour around 1 or 2pm and then I can head straight over to your house! It's all good!"

It wasn't exactly the strip club that bothered that much. 2 other things did though. What bothered me is we have plans to spend time together that day and he wants to grope another woman before he comes and sees me and then will subsequently try to sleep with me because he's so horned up and drunk from the club? It showed a severe lack of awareness, to me. So, I told him I wasn't comfortable with him hitting a strip club right before he goes on a date with me. That's super sleazy.

This Dumb*** tells me, "Well, what if I go home and take a shower first? IT should be fine right? What's the big deal it's not like we're having sex?"

He made me feel like I was overreacting. So, I just let it go. But, then after talking to one of my guy friends about it, he also felt it was really sleazy and disrespectful to do that.

My friend goes, "So, he wants you to be okay with him allowing another naked woman dry humping him RIGHT BEFORE the plans that YOU made for both of you and then he expects to see you right after that? And this guy still wants his best boyfriend award with a plaque on your wall and everything?"

My two biggest problems with this are: 1. He's doing it right before we had plans to spend time together and 2. He seems to have absolutely no awareness or regard for how weird and inconsiderate the entire thing is. He's acting like he's just going to a bar or something. 

This relationship is new enough to where I'll of course feel pain breaking it off. But there are so many things adding up about his behavior and lack of awareness that I just feel a little defeated. Am I overreacting here???

 

 

[SumGuy]

8 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

...

This relationship is new enough to where I'll of course feel pain breaking it off. But there are so many things adding up about his behavior and lack of awareness that I just feel a little defeated. Am I overreacting here???

You are not overreacting.  His idea that a shower fixes it and because he's not having sex it is OK...is so clueless or entitled or both.   Beyond me.   Let alone the COVID aspect, talk about a way to ensure near maximum exposure and then potentially expose you, for what?

I personally don't think strip clubs or strippers (male or female) are harmless past times when in a relationship, sure signs to me the "relationship" is FWB at best.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

Last night, he calls me and tells me his coworkers invited him to the strip club after work. He said he RARELY goes, he's only ever been twice in his life. 

then will subsequently try to sleep with me because he's so horned up and drunk from the club?

Cancel the date. Is this the same guy who went out to smoke pot with his friends and left you alone with their kid?  It's time to reconsider dating him, if this is strike two...Or are there more? 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

29 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

he's so horned up and drunk from the club?

 

 

So you are either accurately describing a person you're dating as someone with a penchant for being drunk shortly after noon,

OR you are pointlessly adding that he might be drunk shortly after noon, when you have no basis for expecting as much.

 

(all of this in a post where your lead-in is :    "...I have been thinking about breaking it off with this guy..." )

 

In a post ostensibly about a strip club visit.

 

Why don't you just select any random reason and break-up with him?

 

(the one thing we cannot clearly see here is how he feels about the relationship)

 

 

[elaine567]

This guy is not dating material and you are lowering yourself by trying to be with him.
Give up, he will never change and he will make you miserable.

[Giovane]

You are not overreacting.

[Confoosedgal]

45 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

So you are either accurately describing a person you're dating as someone with a penchant for being drunk shortly after noon,

OR you are pointlessly adding that he might be drunk shortly after noon, when you have no basis for expecting as much.

 

(all of this in a post where your lead-in is :    "...I have been thinking about breaking it off with this guy..." )

 

In a post ostensibly about a strip club visit.

 

Why don't you just select any random reason and break-up with him?

 

(the one thing we cannot clearly see here is how he feels about the relationship)

 

 

This wasn't the only reason. I'm not assuming, I KNOW him. He goes to bars everyday after work, he drinks when he's at home, with his friends, and even at my house. I'm not that concerned by it (though my friends think I should be). So, it's not an unfair assumption to say that the boyfriend that drinks every single day, will arrive to our date already buzzed. Because he's done this a few times already.

 

But, again that's not the issue here. The issue is I had a whole night for us planned since HE is the one who is working ALL weekend, this was our night out together. And, what I am personally seeing as disrespectful, is his choice to visit a strip club BEFORE our date. And, yes, maybe i've overreacting but this isn't one little thing. This is the cherry on top of a mountain of other issues I've seen in the last few weeks.

In a previous post, that others here have read, I talked about how he didn't introduce me to his friends last week when I went over. He left me in the living room with his niece and spent 20 minutes in the backyard smoking weed with his friends, and never once came to check on me. 

He's a sweet guy, I fully believe with all my heart, that he's just an utter moron. He's treating this like a FWB situation or a casual hookup, he doesn't treat me as a girlfriend he wants to settle down with. Or he parades me around like a trophy to friends and family and then ignores me the rest of the night. 

I'm just here. I brought this up before to him before. How I don't feel like I'm his girlfriend. I feel like I'm filling some kind of empty role in his life and that's all I'm here for. 

That's why I made this post. To see if I was being overly sensitive. But, typing all this out has been very therapeutic for me and I am leaning towards the idea of leaving him. 

[Wiseman2]

Clueless and taking you for granted. Not good.

[Confoosedgal]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Cancel the date. Is this the same guy who went out to smoke pot with his friends and left you alone with their kid?  It's time to reconsider dating him, if this is strike two...Or are there more? 

Yes, this is the same exact guy. So, it was the abandoning me with the annoying kid incident, another incident I didn't post about where we had plans to go out early Saturday morning to Laguna Beach and he cancelled because he VOLUNTARILY took on an extra side project. So, we changed our plans to 5pm. So, I was sitting there ready at 5pm and he never texted or called or updated. I texted him multiple times and I never received ANY response. I was SOO angry that by 7:00pm, I left and went out with a group of my friends to the bar. The moron didn't call till 8:00PM saying that "work ran late" and he showed me pictures of their project for proof. But, in those pictures, I saw TONS of empty beer bottles and vodka bottles lying everywhere. So, I think he was getting drunk with his friends and he lost of track of time. that was Strike 2. I told him I wouldn't ever, ever make plans with him again on a weekend night if he pulled that Sh** again. And, he hasn't.

Then, this is Strike 3. He made plans to visit the strip club, the same night I had plans for us to go to dinner.

I made a lot of excuses for him because he's never had a girlfriend before. In the last 10 years, his ONLY relationships have been FWB, hookups, and last year it was this very short-term fling that lasted 4 months before she wound up cheating on him and leaving him for someone else. That one reaaaaally broke his heart and he still talks about it. So, in my mind, I really thought he just needed me to guide him and be patient. But, he's just too stupid. He doesn't know how to properly care for his women. 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

This wasn't the only reason. I'm not assuming, I KNOW him. He goes to bars everyday after work, he drinks when he's at home, with his friends, and even at my house. I'm not that concerned by it (though my friends think I should be). So, it's not an unfair assumption to say that the boyfriend that drinks every single day, will arrive to our date already buzzed. Because he's done this a few times already.

But, again that's not the issue here.

But it SHOULD be part of the issue.   When we're considering a partner, we need look at the big picture.  All the things together at the same time.   

So, this guy was an appalling host at the BBQ, changes plans he made with you because something better came up.... and is apparently a (functioning?) alcoholic.   Is this really what you want for yourself?

 

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy is a complete waste of your time. You'll feel a HUGE relief once you get rid of him.

[SumGuy]

24 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

...

I'm just here. I brought this up before to him before. How I don't feel like I'm his girlfriend. I feel like I'm filling some kind of empty role in his life and that's all I'm here for. 

That's why I made this post. To see if I was being overly sensitive. But, typing all this out has been very therapeutic for me and I am leaning towards the idea of leaving him. 

Connecting this with your other posts, although here is enough, yah you have his number.  You are not wrong.

He is not treating you like girlfriend or even with the modicum of respect or having your back that you'd provide a friend.  He probably is a moron, or just had really bad relationship role models.

I'd leave him in a heartbeat.

Edited October 15, 2020 by SumGuy

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

this very short-term fling that lasted 4 months before she wound up cheating on him and leaving him for someone else.

Sometimes people get cheated on because they are just not good partners.
The potential cheater gets fed up and just moves on to someone else, or they get so angry and frustrated with the way they are being treated that they accept the first person that shows them some decent concern and interest...
I am not condoning cheaters but sometimes people who get cheated on are not so "innocent" as one might assume.

[boymommy]

I don’t think you guys are a very compatible couple..

Your boyfriend seems like he may not be up on the social cues or really understand how females operate..you in turn sound EXTREMELY angry and the way you talk about him it just sounds very disrespectful. I cant help but think that if you are talking about him that way in your threads then you CANT be communicating too well to him in person. 
 

In short I believe the problem is the dynamic between both of you..your boyfriend’s lack of awareness and your lack of patience and poor communication.
 

If you did want to work this out I would suggest trying to be more patient, positive, and a lot more respectful in both how you think about the relationship. That will help you talk to him and things might turn around. Otherwise let him go and find a guy more up on the social awareness. 

[d0nnivain]

I don't know what you meant by "after work".  If your plans didn't start until later in the day what he does before you get home isn't really the issue. 

Where you land on the strip club debate is personal choice.  

That said, how many more times is this guy going to treat you like an after thought before you walk away?  

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Confoosedgal said:

What's the big deal it's not like we're having sex?"

Who's the "we"? You are the myriad of strippers?

If it's you, then you've been put on Straight Street. You're not really a girlfriend, you're something to do between his friends and the strip club.

Whatever it is that's wrong with him, it's preventing him from being the sort of man you're expecting him to be.

If you're good with being chums with him, then carry on. If you're looking for someone with way more awareness and consideration for your esteem, you need to kick this mutt to the curb.

[poppyfields]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that he may on the spectrum.  I mean there's clueless, and then there's totally clueless, him being the latter.

It's actually sad as he truly may not know how to properly behave and react.

How long have you been dating?  What's his relationship history, any other relationships under his belt?

Edited October 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[major_merrick]

Given how you feel about it (and how he seems to be unaware/uncaring about how you feel about it) I'd say you two are not compatible.  Since it is early in the relationship and you don't have a lot invested, probably time to call it quits.

***For my part, I'd be offended that I wasn't invited to the club to partake in the fun***

[boymommy]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that he may on the spectrum.  I mean there's clueless, and then there's totally clueless, him being the latter.

It's actually sad as he truly may not know how to properly behave and react.

How long have you been dating?  What's his relationship history, any other relationships under his belt?

I am a therapist and worked with Autistic spectrum disordered individuals earlier in my career. My guess based on the info provided would be no. Adults especially on the spectrum avoid social situations like the plague..if he is wanting to go to a strip club VOLUNTARILY..well thats just not something someone with Autism would do. Perhaps he is cognitively or socially slow which is something entirely different. My ex boyfriend was a little delayed/slow and despite being a very nice man he at times didn't pick up on stuff and right away and was just "slower" in some areas. I suspect thats what is going on here too. 

She had previously stated they had been dating 3 months and he had never had a girlfriend before..so it could also be his total lack of experience in a relationship as well. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by boymommy

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I am a therapist and worked with Autistic spectrum disordered individuals earlier in my career. My guess based on the info provided would be no. Adults especially on the spectrum avoid social situations like the plague..if he is wanting to go to a strip club VOLUNTARILY..well thats just not something someone with Autism would do. Perhaps he is cognitively or socially slow which is something entirely different. My ex boyfriend was a little delayed/slow and despite being a very nice man he at times didn't pick up on stuff and right away and was just "slower" in some areas. I suspect thats what is going on here too. 

She had previously stated they had been dating 3 months and he had never had a girlfriend before..so it could also be his total lack of experience in a relationship as well. 

Thanks for that boymommy.  I read somewhere that there are different levels of autistic behavior, levels of severity.   Like if someone fell into the high range, they might avoid social situations altogether, but if someone fell into the lower range, they wouldn't avoid, but have difficulty understanding social interactions and how to properly respond.

I dunno, it's just my understanding of it, but you're the therapist, so would know better than I.

Edited October 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks for that boymommy.  I read somewhere that there are different levels of autistic behavior, levels of severity.   Like if someone fell into the high range, they might avoid social situations altogether, but if someone fell into the lower range, they wouldn't avoid, but have difficulty understanding social interactions and how to properly respond.

I dunno, it's just my understanding of it, but you're the therapist, so would know better than I.

So I just did a bit of my own research as what boymommy posted got me curious.

Below is short snip from an article I found from Psychology Today:

>>Everyone on the autism spectrum has a unique experience, but clinicians generally categorize people with autism into three levels depending on the severity of their social deficits and restrictive behaviors. Individuals on the mild end of the spectrum have slight difficulties navigating social interactions and completing certain tasks, while those in the middle of the spectrum have substantial interpersonal challenges and struggle deeply with change.

People with a more severe form of autism may have intellectual disability, be unable to speak, or experience extreme discomfort from certain lights, sounds, smells, and textures. <<

-----

Interesting.  I wouldn't rule out the possibility OP that he's struggles with it on some level.

Edited October 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks for that boymommy.  I read somewhere that there are different levels of autistic behavior, levels of severity.   Like if someone fell into the high range, they might avoid social situations altogether, but if someone fell into the lower range, they wouldn't avoid, but have difficulty understanding social interactions and how to properly respond.

I dunno, it's just my understanding of it, but you're the therapist, so would know better than I.

Possibly. I have not worked in this area in 15 years, most of experience is in drug and alcohol. I'm sure there is a range and it may be different in adults then kids. I worked with children with autism not adults. 

I do know that a lot of milder austic spectrum disorders go misdiagnosed during childhood because it's just so hard to pick up on in standard tests so in adulthood people are left untreated and don't really know they are on the spectrum. I wouldn't rule it out, but one thing I do know is that behavior is generally extremely consistent and doesn't vary at all. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by boymommy

[Mrin]

Dude here.  

The guy is a moron. Life is too short to date morons.

[Fletch Lives]

lol, the guy does not have a mental disorder. He's simply an idiot.

How long have you been dating this guy? I'm betting that as time goes on, this guy will rack up a red flag list that would stretch from Montana to Florida!

No, it's not ok for people in relationships to go to strip clubs. Relationships take work and that means sacrifices.

lol, where did you find this guy? What a loser. Please get rid of him.

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

lol, the guy does not have a mental disorder. He's simply an idiot.

You say that like it's 100% fact.  How the * do you know? 

None of us know, anything is possible. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by poppyfields