in1t Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 hey there. i'm in1t, i would like to share things about my relatiopnship. first of all i want to ask male friends: How much time make you bored on the phone? well i have a relatiopnship. its been 3 months i guess. yesterday, he said we are talking too much on the phone, we can use that time more useful. he lives a City which is 2 hours away from my City. actually i'm not mad at him. because he meant he want time for himself. he said he doenst like this much messages. (i dont have enogh internet so we cant talk video talk for a while) i get it, when we are living far from away (this time it was not 2 hours it was 6-7 hours away) we talked every single day and it was like 6 7 hours. i feel that Way too but i'm afraid. (afraid like: if we talk less, he walks away, dumb me etc) you know, i am getting older but i realised that my attitudes in a relatiopnship are the same! i saw that i am not center on my life. i'm changing, but important things are not. like: every person need time to themselves. i need too i feel this Way too but my heart? its scares. i cant see what is important more. he said sometimes he says im gonna sleep and he doesnt gonna sleep. he lied because i can get feel bad. i asked him Did i ever behave you something like that, he said no bec. i never do. than asked him again why he lied, he could not answer. i know there is people who can show me the facts i can't see and what is missing part in me. thank you.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 I am a woman but spending 6-7 hours per day on the phone is insane. How do you get anything else done? I would think that in an established relationship, especially if you are regularly seeing each other even if just on the weekends, 20 - 60 minutes of phone call (voice) would be sufficient. If you supplement that with a good morning text & maybe a quick 1 liner during the day, it's sustainable.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 2 hours ago, in1t said: i get it, when we are living far from away (this time it was not 2 hours it was 6-7 hours away) we talked every single day and it was like 6 7 hours. Another woman here, and this is far, far too much. No way would I ever be able to talk on the phone that much every day. Did neither of you have jobs? Social lives? What the heck did you talk about for so long, day after day? Even 2 hours every day is a lot. He is tiring of all the phone time and messaging. It gets tedious and boring, and frankly, reads like the other person doesn't have much of a life if they can devote that much time to their phone. How often do you two meet in person? Or maybe more to the point, have you ever met in person?
schlumpy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 As a male I could not talk on the phone for 6 hours no matter how fascinating you are. Thank God there are speaker phones now-a-days. One of his ears must look like someone ironed it. You are afraid he will drift away? With a long distance relationship that's a real possibility. Are there plans for you two to get together in the future such as you move where he is or he moves where you are? That's what you need to pay attention to. How can you arrange to live near each other. I think the phone calls will become something he won't look forward to. If you must call every day then keep it to 20 mins. I assume you are the one doing the calling? Give him the chance to call you. That way he may be able to do it where it doesn't interfere with something he want's to do like watch a soccer game. Three times during the week with a get together on the weekend would be plenty unless there is lots to talk about. That would indicate plenty of interest and should satisfy your emotional needs. What is keeping you two apart? Is it work? Did he have to move away for a job or school? 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 (edited) Have you ever met in person? Where did you meet and why is it so long distance? How old is he? What is 1t and is he in that also? Is this a cyber relationship from gaming together? The conflict here is that long distance relationships are lonely boring, difficult to maintain and physically and emotionally frustrating. Chitchatting half the day away does not compensate for all the negative aspects of LDR s. It would be best to reflect and reconsider things, since you are both unhappy with the communication and the LDR. Edited October 15, 2020 by Wiseman2
SumGuy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 As a man, when far apart like that the conversations might go for hours, but that is just because they are fun and I am a talker. In general though, more than an hour or two a day would be too much. Maybe I am used to driving or better at organizing my day and sleep, but 2 hours away I would still see someone once a week. Used to commute an hour+ a day each way for work, so what it is the big difference. In general though, this is one of the issues with "long distance" relationships....the frequency and length of communication.
smackie9 Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 (edited) The first 3 months, are about infatuation....but that wears off. It's healthy to have space and go a day or two not talking to each other,...then go and do your own thing. Go find a good series to watch or start reading a good book or talk to your friends instead. Once you start giving it a break, it will feel normal not to talk to each other that much. The worst part of it is that you are checking up on him...he doesn't have to tell you what he is doing every minute of the day or night. He told you a white lie? That's means you are getting too clingy and he's avoiding the drama that goes with it. Edited October 15, 2020 by smackie9 2
Author in1t Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 8 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I am a woman but spending 6-7 hours per day on the phone is insane. How do you get anything else done? I would think that in an established relationship, especially if you are regularly seeing each other even if just on the weekends, 20 - 60 minutes of phone call (voice) would be sufficient. If you supplement that with a good morning text & maybe a quick 1 liner during the day, it's sustainable. first of all, thank you for answering. this 6-7 hours changed so many time too. for example today 1 hour, tomorrow 5 hours... but he DID this to us. than he says it's too much. we should spend our time for useful things... i agree too. but in the beggining i did not do it actually. bec. i was with my parents, i have cat and also i was making sports, reading books, paintings... than he came to my center. he made me his center too. than he says it's too much. maybe i should not let it happen.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 1 minute ago, in1t said: this 6-7 hours changed so many time too. for example today 1 hour, tomorrow 5 hours... but he DID this to us. than he says it's too much. we should spend our time for useful things... i agree too. but in the beggining i did not do it actually. bec. i was with my parents, i have cat and also i was making sports, reading books, paintings... than he came to my center. he made me his center too. than he says it's too much. maybe i should not let it happen. Then dial it back. You have the ability to end any conversation. 1
Author in1t Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Another woman here, and this is far, far too much. No way would I ever be able to talk on the phone that much every day. Did neither of you have jobs? Social lives? What the heck did you talk about for so long, day after day? Even 2 hours every day is a lot. He is tiring of all the phone time and messaging. It gets tedious and boring, and frankly, reads like the other person doesn't have much of a life if they can devote that much time to their phone. How often do you two meet in person? Or maybe more to the point, have you ever met in person? first of all thank you for answering. well we see each other every week or in a 2 weeks. he has school, i have school too. in the beggining we were far from away. now we are living 2 hours away. yes it's definetly tiring. actually "being a person" or "being a person for yourself" i like myself. but i think i try to see that self love on over people. i couldn't figure it out you know i'm getting older and somethings are still wrong. i'm blaming myself. i like sing, paint, write... but when i get a BF, than all gone. i forget myself. i'm sorry but i have to be honest. you can say to me you're a loser but i have to be honest for solving my problem.
Author in1t Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you ever met in person? Where did you meet and why is it so long distance? How old is he? What is 1t and is he in that also? Is this a cyber relationship from gaming together? The conflict here is that long distance relationships are lonely boring, difficult to maintain and physically and emotionally frustrating. Chitchatting half the day away does not compensate for all the negative aspects of LDR s. It would be best to reflect and reconsider things, since you are both unhappy with the communication and the LDR. yes we did. we met online, he lives 2 hours away. in the beggining the distance was 6,7 hours. thank you for answering. you might right.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 4 minutes ago, in1t said: . i'm blaming myself. i like sing, paint, write... but when i get a BF, than all gone. i forget myself. i'm sorry but i have to be honest. you can say to me you're a loser but i have to be honest for solving my problem. You are not a loser but you have to stop losing yourself in a BF. It's important that you carve out time in your life for a new person but that doesn't mean that person gets all of you. By continuing to sing, paint & write you actually make yourself more interesting & desirable to a man. If you have trouble keeping those boundaries, make yourself a schedule. Something like: 7 a.m wake up 8 am breakfast 9 a.m. -- 12 p.m. work 12 pm - lunch 12:30 pm quick walk for exercise / sunshine 1:00 p.m. - 5:00 work 5:00 pm paint or sing 6:30 p.m. dinner 7:30 p.m. read 9:00 pm talk to BF Switch it up by day of the week but still build in time for household chores & pursuing your interests. Don't let a man become your whole life. It's not good to lose yourself in your guy. Stay in touch with your female friends. Do things with them. Play is important
boymommy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 (edited) Is your boyfriend more of an introvert? I actually have this same exact issue with my relationship where my boyfriend can talk at different lengths on different days. I was a little confused at first (because at first I thought he was loosing interest) but now after 3 years I can see that there are times when he needs more time to himself. His personality type is more where he likes short bursts of intense contact and then space. So one day we may text for 2 hrs, the next day it may only be a few text exchanges. When we first got together we used to talk on the phone for 4-5 hour stretches, but that was more during the "getting to know you" period of time. It's extremely common for a more introverted person to be more outgoing in the beginning stages of a relationship and then as they develop a comfort level, they go back and forth between short bursts or contact, and recharge periods of silence. Don't take it personally..sounds like he just needs time to himself and this is his thing! Enjoy the "time off" and develop your own interests that are just for you. This is something that helps me tremendously. Edited October 15, 2020 by boymommy
schlumpy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 Yes. Do not quit singing! You are not a loser because you have feelings for someone and want to be with them. It's a very natural part of life. You want to learn all about them and your only avenue for the moment is conversation. Learn as much as you want just don't give up singing.
Author in1t Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 1 hour ago, boymommy said: Is your boyfriend more of an introvert? I actually have this same exact issue with my relationship where my boyfriend can talk at different lengths on different days. I was a little confused at first (because at first I thought he was loosing interest) but now after 3 years I can see that there are times when he needs more time to himself. His personality type is more where he likes short bursts of intense contact and then space. So one day we may text for 2 hrs, the next day it may only be a few text exchanges. When we first got together we used to talk on the phone for 4-5 hour stretches, but that was more during the "getting to know you" period of time. It's extremely common for a more introverted person to be more outgoing in the beginning stages of a relationship and then as they develop a comfort level, they go back and forth between short bursts or contact, and recharge periods of silence. Don't take it personally..sounds like he just needs time to himself and this is his thing! Enjoy the "time off" and develop your own interests that are just for you. This is something that helps me tremendously. you might right. thank you for answering. i think it's the same situation. after that situation i'm afraid of the hearing these words i guess: "i'm bored". bec. it's fun to know new people. in my past, i experienced online/reel cheat, lies etc. i moved on but i always feel i will stay in that circle and it will happen all the time. i don't try to be a victim. actually i try to get over these feelings. thank you.
Author in1t Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You are not a loser but you have to stop losing yourself in a BF. It's important that you carve out time in your life for a new person but that doesn't mean that person gets all of you. By continuing to sing, paint & write you actually make yourself more interesting & desirable to a man. If you have trouble keeping those boundaries, make yourself a schedule. Something like: 7 a.m wake up 8 am breakfast 9 a.m. -- 12 p.m. work 12 pm - lunch 12:30 pm quick walk for exercise / sunshine 1:00 p.m. - 5:00 work 5:00 pm paint or sing 6:30 p.m. dinner 7:30 p.m. read 9:00 pm talk to BF Switch it up by day of the week but still build in time for household chores & pursuing your interests. Don't let a man become your whole life. It's not good to lose yourself in your guy. Stay in touch with your female friends. Do things with them. Play is important well my big sister said i'm loser. but you are like my big sister too which is makes sentences more softly... thank you for that. i hope all nice things will find you and also when bad things find you, teach you good things. you make feel precious. i agree all things you said. i need to figure it out what is my center and what should it be. i'm not saying that i'm perfect woman. i just try to be healthy person and try to have healthy relationships. everyone said that: if you wanna make people love you, you should love yourself too. you know when i look at myself, i survived depression 3 years ago, i'm strong. but feelings still make me weak. sometimes people can live these things i guess.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 Lot's of people get depressed especially in these troubling times. Sisters can be cruel in their bluntness. Deep down she wants you to be happy & independent; she's just motivating you with too much tough love. You will find your center because you are looking for it. Just stop thinking that your center is another person & all will be well. 2
Author in1t Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Lot's of people get depressed especially in these troubling times. Sisters can be cruel in their bluntness. Deep down she wants you to be happy & independent; she's just motivating you with too much tough love. You will find your center because you are looking for it. Just stop thinking that your center is another person & all will be well. thank you... thank you for saying that. 1
boymommy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 1 hour ago, in1t said: you might right. thank you for answering. i think it's the same situation. after that situation i'm afraid of the hearing these words i guess: "i'm bored". bec. it's fun to know new people. in my past, i experienced online/reel cheat, lies etc. i moved on but i always feel i will stay in that circle and it will happen all the time. i don't try to be a victim. actually i try to get over these feelings. thank you. Yes, I can understanding being afraid of another liar or cheater. Try to give your boyfriend a clean slate though and judge him by his actions in the hear and now and not by what people in the past have done. You do this by making sure his actions match his words..this will help you feel more secure and build trust within the relationship. It will also help to tell yourself that not everyone is like the people from your past. You can do it! Have faith in yourself. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 The only way you want to "talk" to a partner for six or seven hours is if you guys decided to connect via zoom and you spend some relaxing time together ... like do your respective laundry at the same time ... maybe cook meals at the same time ..... and you sit down and eat "together" over zoom .and you zoom watch a movie together ... There are long-distance couples who do this kind of extended zooming or facetime ... but they're not just "talking" for that long.
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