What if I don't like dates?

[kendahke]

18 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I decided I was never going to do another “date” for a first meet and just exclusively met up with people who were willing to come over to my house or vice versa and watch a movie or play a board game.

you're going to be alone for a long time if this is all you can muster. There are very, very, very few women who will go to a strangers house for meeting them the very first time... and the kind that would, I wouldn't want them in my home.

The other solution is to not date at all if this is all you got. You're being highly unrealistic.

[Redguitar35]

8 minutes ago, kendahke said:

you're going to be alone for a long time if this is all you can muster. There are very, very, very few women who will go to a strangers house for meeting them the very first time... and the kind that would, I wouldn't want them in my home.

The other solution is to not date at all if this is all you got. You're being highly unrealistic.

The date doesn’t have to be at one another’s house, but something other than staring at each other awkwardly across the table at a coffee shop would be nice. It turns into an interview rather than a fun time. That type of date doesn’t appeal to me. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Redguitar35

[kendahke]

3 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

The date doesn’t have to be at one another’s house, but something other than staring at each other awkwardly across the table at a coffee shop

list 5 things that would encompass this

[Ellener]

When the pandemic first hit and then George Floyd got murdered, I was talking to a lovely man but he kept saying I want to come over to your place. Insisting. 

I just laughed and said no. But he kept going on about it.

He was a boxer and then some of the things he said about the police murders made me concerned, and I am not usually afraid for my safety. 

Anyway that was that. And his angry response to me when I said I don't want to talk to you any more told me all I needed to know about his temper. 

I am sorry though that I projected that experience on you @Redguitar35

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I haven’t been, A lot of girls do it. Not everyone is that paranoid. If they were I wouldn’t think they’d be doing online dating in the first place. 

It has nothing to do with paranoia, and everything to do with common sense, boundaries and safety. 

If a lot of girls do at-home first dates and you haven't had any trouble finding the ones who do...why does this thread exist? 

Edited October 14, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Redguitar35]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It has nothing to do with paranoia, and everything to do with common sense, boundaries and safety. 

If a lot of girls do at-home first dates and you haven't had any trouble finding the ones who do...why does this thread exist? 

Because at a certain point one wants to try something new.  That doesn’t mean I want to sit across the table at a coffee shop and get grilled for an hour. What makes you think a job interview like that is enjoyable and builds rapport? 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Redguitar35

[kismetkismet]

The problem is that the first date is a necessary evil built into OLD (for those of us that hate them anyway lol). Before OLD, first dates probably weren't so painful because people that meet in IRL usually  A) Have already established a connection/attraction/banter in person and B) Have activities or friends in common to small talk about more comfortably. It sucks, but there really isn't any way around it. At some point you have to meet someone for the first time and get to know them.

Again I'd just suggest doing some kind of activity so that there isn't so much one on one pressure to talk only about ones-self. Go for a sight seeing walk, visit a museum, go bowling or to an arcade, etc. (when COVID eventually allows). Anything that provides conversation subject matter, and/or that makes it easier to have fun and be playful with one another. 

[jspice]

7 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Again, not everyone is that paranoid. And if you don’t want to meet at someone’s house why don’t you suggest something other the standard meet for drinks or coffee date? 

In this day and age everyone SHOULD be that paranoid. Why don't YOU suggest something different to drinks? You're the one that has the problem here, not the other person. If you're bombing on a first meet then that's on you, not the location.

[basil67]

19 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I feel like that is doomed from the start if it’s a boring and stressful meetup for coffee or drinks that are basically just job interviews. No wonder there are so many one and done dates we read about. Dating should be fun, but the typical first meet up most people seem toward takes all the fun out of it. 

A date will be boring only if one or both parties are boring.  

A few weeks back, daughter came home from a very successful dinner date saying "We talked and laughed and talked and laughed.  We had so much in common, and such a great connection and I can't wait to see him again".    And yes, they are still seeing each other.    Had either of them gone in expecting the date to be boring and stressful, it could not have had a positive outcome. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

A date will be boring only if one or both parties are boring. 

Exactly. Almost all the first dates I've had from dating sites have turned into spending the whole day together, it flew by, and then he asked me out again ASAP.

I always have a good first phone call before meeting to gauge compatibility in intellect, interests, and conversation. If that goes well, we meet, and almost always the date is even better.

[Redguitar35]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

In this day and age everyone SHOULD be that paranoid. Why don't YOU suggest something different to drinks? You're the one that has the problem here, not the other person. If you're bombing on a first meet then that's on you, not the location.

Who said I was bombing on a first date? I said I find sitting across from a table being grilled with the same interviewish questions unenjoyable.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

That’s an absurd generalization and I don’t agree. And if you’re saying you had a great time on every date you’ve ever been on, you’re either lying or the first person in history that’s happened to. 

Yes, I've been on boring dates.  Because the person I was sitting with was boring.  Or perhaps they thought I was boring and didn't bother engaging.  Either way, 'boring' was an issue.

However, when both parties are actively engaging with each other and demonstrate good social skills, the date will be far more enjoyable.   

 

[Sunnyzwei1989]

Ok, I can see where you are coming from.    I’m introverted and shy and I hate first dates too.  I hate worrying about coming up with conversation for hours, silences are awkward to me especially on first dates.  So sometimes I prefer doing something that is active or can be part of the conversation like mini-golf, playing pool, going to an art show, museum, comedy show/playhouse.  Then afterwards if there’s some chemistry it can lead into having dinner/lunch/a drink and that activity can at least be the start of conversation.  
 

Unfortunately you will have to spend some money but at least you’re likely to have fun doing the activity.  

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

Why does it have to be the same old game of 20 questions at a table? Ask yourself why doing something fun is a worse idea than being interviewed. 

A good date - even at a table - doesn't involve merely asking 20 questions.  Rather, it's about getting to know each other and exchange of ideas and thoughts and looking for connection.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

The date doesn’t have to be at one another’s house, but something other than staring at each other awkwardly across the table at a coffee shop would be nice. It turns into an interview rather than a fun time. That type of date doesn’t appeal to me. 

Then be creative and think of great alternatives.

 

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Then suggest a different activity that you both can enjoy doing. Why does it have to be the same old game of 20 questions at a table? Ask yourself why doing something fun is a worse idea than being interviewed. I simply refuse to be interviewed. Anyone who’d rather sit across the table and grill me for an hour has already showed their hand.

I've been talking to this lovely man for several weeks, just texting and talking on the phone because of the pandemic. I can tell he isn't boring or a risk to me. I'm not even sure what you mean by boring, everyone's interesting if you are interested in them. But he had to take time to talk to me first so I could understand him. And now he's welcome to come over. It's always going to take a bit of effort first. 

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Then suggest a different activity that you both can enjoy doing. Why does it have to be the same old game of 20 questions at a table? Ask yourself why doing something fun is a worse idea than being interviewed. I simply refuse to be interviewed. Anyone who’d rather sit across the table and grill me for an hour has already showed their hand.

It's a different strokes for different folks thing  I am very uncoordinated & lousy at sports.  Even something like mini golf or a game of pool shoots my anxiety levels through the roof if I don't know the person I will be "playing" with.  However I'm witty & make good conversation.  So while to you sitting & talking is a horrible experience to me it's a delightful one.  I need to know a potential partner can hold up his end of a conversation.  In contrast if a man off OLD asked me to an active date, I'd probably decline because I'd be too self conscious to let him see just how not sporty I am.  In that sense you & I would be a lousy fit.  That's OK.  Not everybody goes together.  It's what makes the world interesting.  

Ironically my 1st date with my husband was painful.  He's a shy introvert.  I babbled away recognizing that he wasn't picking up what I was putting down but I couldn't figure out why.  I honestly  cried -- liked bawled -- after our date because I was convinced he did not like me because I talked too much.  The less he said the more babbly I got due to my own nerves.  I had rarely met another adult who was so unengaged.  When he called me 2 days later for a 2nd date I was bewildered.  Later he confessed that he was grateful I kept talking because he was so shy & hates awkward silences so he was happy I filled them.  It was an odd dynamic initially.  

You don't  like what feel like an interview.  That is fine.  Other then jump ahead to a place where you know the person better, what would your ideal 1st date look like?  Figure that out & use that as your go to 1st date.  We have given you some active suggestions.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's a different strokes for different folks thing  I am very uncoordinated & lousy at sports.  Even something like mini golf or a game of pool shoots my anxiety levels through the roof if I don't know the person I will be "playing" with.  However I'm witty & make good conversation.  So while to you sitting & talking is a horrible experience to me it's a delightful one.  I need to know a potential partner can hold up his end of a conversation.  In contrast if a man off OLD asked me to an active date, I'd probably decline because I'd be too self conscious to let him see just how not sporty I am.  In that sense you & I would be a lousy fit.  That's OK.  Not everybody goes together.  It's what makes the world interesting.  

Ironically my 1st date with my husband was painful.  He's a shy introvert.  I babbled away recognizing that he wasn't picking up what I was putting down but I couldn't figure out why.  I honestly  cried -- liked bawled -- after our date because I was convinced he did not like me because I talked too much.  The less he said the more babbly I got due to my own nerves.  I had rarely met another adult who was so unengaged.  When he called me 2 days later for a 2nd date I was bewildered.  Later he confessed that he was grateful I kept talking because he was so shy & hates awkward silences so he was happy I filled them.  It was an odd dynamic initially.  

You don't  like what feel like an interview.  That is fine.  Other then jump ahead to a place where you know the person better, what would your ideal 1st date look like?  Figure that out & use that as your go to 1st date.  We have given you some active suggestions.  

Not to blow off the advice part but this ^ was honestly such a sweet story.

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Then suggest a different activity that you both can enjoy doing. Why does it have to be the same old game of 20 questions at a table? Ask yourself why doing something fun is a worse idea than being interviewed. I simply refuse to be interviewed. Anyone who’d rather sit across the table and grill me for an hour has already showed their hand.

Pretty sure Ellener has no problems with finding men who are good with a meet for a drink and converse date so she doesn't need to suggest anything.

It's on you if the women you meet want to meet for a drink and you don't.  Or I guess you could just say to them, suggest a different activity we can both enjoy doing.

Then again you say plenty have no issue going back to your place on a first date so why are you even concerned about this?  It sounds like you have no problems just want to let everyone know how you dislike the "job interview" date, repeatedly, as if that is some badge of honor.

Pretty sure everyone so far agrees they also dislike the "job interview." 

If truly all of your meet for drink dates turn into a "job interview" then I'd say you need to look at yourself.  The common denominator in all of this is you, who your attract, how you pick those to go out with, or how you interpret their questions, or all of them...we can only guess and suggest...because...don't believe have seen anyone say all their dates or even most of their dates are "job interviews" (and with good suggestions on how to avoid such dates) so it's not the world, or society, or women, it's something related to you.

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

A good date - even at a table - doesn't involve merely asking 20 questions.  Rather, it's about getting to know each other and exchange of ideas and thoughts and looking for connection.  

Yes if connection is a goal.  OP can correct me if I am wrong but in his thread "I am bitter as hell over my dating life" pretty sure OP made it clear really only interested in sex and a "relationship" would be just a steady supply of sex.   

What gets me is there is a whole dating sub-culture that is all about just meeting for sex and sites dedicated to it I understand....explicitly stated, no chit chat, no "date", etc.  If one doesn't want to date, and just wants sex there is an app for that  , and plenty of PUA who are willing to teach you how to achieve that.

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, Ellener said:

You aren't listening to the general safety issue which will stop most women from coming to your home for a first date. 

oh he changed that tune in response to my post:

19 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

The date doesn’t have to be at one another’s house,

But still hasn't listed 5 things that are preferable to going to a coffee house and having a conversation about getting to know someone he doesn't know.  I mean, no matter what he lists, she's going to have questions about who he is that if he refuses to answer, the date's getting cut short and his phone number goes on block.

These days, quality women are not going to willfully put their safety and virtue in danger going to a stranger's house---all the 'stranger danger' stuff they were taught in grade school stuck. Meeting in a public place is de rigueur now. Either get with it or don't date.

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, kendahke said:

But still hasn't listed 5 things that are preferable to going to a coffee house and having a conversation about getting to know someone he doesn't know.  I mean, no matter what he lists, she's going to have questions about who he is that if he refuses to answer, the date's getting cut short and his phone number goes on block.

In defense of @Redguitar35  I think the thread got off track.  I interpreted most of this to mean he feels awkward & pressured like he's on an interview during that initial meet thing & he likes when things are more relaxed & conversation flows.  He's looking for suggestions on how to get past the interview phase but I never heard him say he wouldn't talk about himself or get to know someone.  He just needs help making that flow more so it feels less like an interview.  Sadly the best way to do that is to get to know somebody in real life but he has also rejected that saying he prefers OLD because he can be certain the other person is open to dating.  It's a struggle for sure when someone hasn't mastered the art of small talk or reading social cues.  

[elaine567]

Unless he has changed his mind since September, redguitar is all about first date sex and moving on... one night stands.
Hence the perceived waste of his time and money sitting in a bar/restaurant getting to know women he has no interest in, bar one off sex...
This is not about dating, this is about hooking up. 

[kendahke]

37 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

In defense of @Redguitar35  I think the thread got off track.  I interpreted most of this to mean he feels awkward & pressured like he's on an interview during that initial meet thing & he likes when things are more relaxed & conversation flows.  He's looking for suggestions on how to get past the interview phase but I never heard him say he wouldn't talk about himself or get to know someone.  He just needs help making that flow more so it feels less like an interview.  Sadly the best way to do that is to get to know somebody in real life but he has also rejected that saying he prefers OLD because he can be certain the other person is open to dating.  It's a struggle for sure when someone hasn't mastered the art of small talk or reading social cues.  

I disagree. Elaine is on target:

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Unless he has changed his mind since September, redguitar is all about first date sex and moving on... one night stands.
Hence the perceived waste of his time and money sitting in a bar/restaurant getting to know women he has no interest in, bar one off sex...
This is not about dating, this is about hooking up. 

 

[kismetkismet]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Unless he has changed his mind since September, redguitar is all about first date sex and moving on... one night stands.
Hence the perceived waste of his time and money sitting in a bar/restaurant getting to know women he has no interest in, bar one off sex...
This is not about dating, this is about hooking up. 

Ahhh this makes more sense. That would explain him wanting them to come straight over for the first 'date.' I was basing my answers on the assumption that OP actually wanted to get to know these people and vice versa..