What if I don't like dates?

[Redguitar35]

I’m not meeting anyone during the pandemic but I’m thinking of what it will be like after the virus is got under control and I put myself back out there on dating apps.

One issue is that I hate dates in the beginning. I hate the initial meetup which is usually a boring meet for drinks type of thing. There was one date like that that turned out well (I guess because she was just really interested) but the vast majority of those first dates were so awkward and dull and formulaic. I don’t want to drop dollars for some dull conversation at a coffee shop. These meetings felt like job interviews and were just not much fun for me. I suspect that this is how a lot of people become burnt out on dating. They go on a ton of these types of dates that are all the same and it gets repetitive. I don’t want to do that. 

At a certain point I decided I was never going to do another “date” for a first meet and just exclusively met up with people who were willing to come over to my house or vice versa and watch a movie or play a board game. Dates are only enjoyable to me once I already know the person and am already in a relationship with them. Otherwise it feels forced.

Has anyone else felt this way?

[basil67]

I'm sure many have felt this way.   However, the initial meet up happen for a reason - it gives both parties time to figure out if they want to spend time together. 

For practical purposes, it's going to be very difficult to find a woman who doesn't know you to go to your house for a board game or Netflix.  Not in the least because it's very unsafe for a woman to go to private premises with a man she doesn't know.   And also consider if you want a woman you don't know casing your place for valuables.  

 

 

[Redguitar35]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sure many have felt this way.   However, the initial meet up happen for a reason - it gives both parties time to figure out if they want to spend time together. 

 

 

I feel like that is doomed from the start if it’s a boring and stressful meetup for coffee or drinks that are basically just job interviews. No wonder there are so many one and done dates we read about. Dating should be fun, but the typical first meet up most people seem toward takes all the fun out of it. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Your attitude about dating is very negative. I only date when I'm excited about meeting someone new and look forward to it. It makes for a much more pleasant experience.

[Maldives]

Yup that's why nothing beats meeting someone in real life as apposed to online...

The only tip I could offer from my experience online is try and find out before you meet wether they tick your boxes and maybe a video call to save you any wasted time down the track.. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Goodguy05

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're going to be hard-pressed to find women who will want to come to your house for a night in on the first meeting, OP. 

No way would I agree to meet a man in his home when I've never met him in person and gotten to know him a bit. 

[Blind-Sided]

if you are using OLD... then it is "Like a Job interview."   You get the basic info from the app, and than have the interview. (Date)   If that goes well... you go out again.

With OLD, it's a numbers game.  You will have a bunch of "First Dates" to find someone who you MAY want to see more of.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

At a certain point I decided I was never going to do another “date” for a first meet and just exclusively met up with people who were willing to come over to my house or vice versa

Horrible idea. Do you work? Do you live with your parents?

Anyone who would agree to this would be crazy or setting you up to rob you.

If you are too cheap to spring for a cup of coffee you're not ready to date.

[Azincourt]

11 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I’m not meeting anyone during the pandemic but I’m thinking of what it will be like after the virus is got under control and I put myself back out there on dating apps.

One issue is that I hate dates in the beginning. I hate the initial meetup which is usually a boring meet for drinks type of thing. There was one date like that that turned out well (I guess because she was just really interested) but the vast majority of those first dates were so awkward and dull and formulaic. I don’t want to drop dollars for some dull conversation at a coffee shop. These meetings felt like job interviews and were just not much fun for me. I suspect that this is how a lot of people become burnt out on dating. They go on a ton of these types of dates that are all the same and it gets repetitive. I don’t want to do that. 

At a certain point I decided I was never going to do another “date” for a first meet and just exclusively met up with people who were willing to come over to my house or vice versa and watch a movie or play a board game. Dates are only enjoyable to me once I already know the person and am already in a relationship with them. Otherwise it feels forced.

Has anyone else felt this way?

 

Dating is outdated. It makes no sense for people to be so formal about meeting for the first time,  and all that nonsense about the guy paying for the woman feels to me a lot like he's paying for her time. Who wants to be with a woman who expects to be paid to sit around with you?

Dates should be had only with people you're already in a romantic relationship with.

I don't date. I hang out. I take a woman out to the local coffee shop. To the local dog park. To the local library. Shopping mall, and the beach is but 5 minutes away walking distance, so it's always a great place to take a woman to.

I don't pay for dates. Never did. Never will. They don't expect me to, eithe, and these are young, physically attractive women who despite being able to make bank by going on ''dates'', they still rather prefer to put their own money on the table and pay for themselves. Because the pressure is off and I'm not trying to impress them with money, the hours we spend together are enjoyable for both of us because neither one of us is trying to take something from the other.

Yeah, I don't know about the whole having a first date happening in your house, especially if you don't know the woman from Adam's Apple, as the woman will think you're trying to have sex with her. Have a public date.

[Fletch Lives]

9 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Your attitude about dating is very negative. I only date when I'm excited about meeting someone new and look forward to it. It makes for a much more pleasant experience.

 - Yup. If you want a girlfriend you should get your attitude up. Dating is about being sociable and meeting new people.

And if your dates feel like interviews, learn how to shut the interview down and just have normal conversation. Dates should not be like interviews. It's not necessary, everything will come out through normal conversation.

 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Fletch Lives]

1 minute ago, Fletch Lives said:

nm

 

 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Redguitar35]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you're going to be hard-pressed to find women who will want to come to your house for a night in on the first meeting, OP. 

 

I haven’t been, A lot of girls do it. Not everyone is that paranoid. If they were I wouldn’t think they’d be doing online dating in the first place. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Redguitar35

[Redguitar35]

6 hours ago, jspice said:

Also, do you really think that coming to your house and watching a movie isn’t “boring”?

Movie dates in general are probably the most boring type of date you can find. 
I don’t see the point of movie dates at any time, but moreso in the early days of meeting someone. 
 

I do like board games. You can get to see each  other’s personalities but not at your house. That’s just idiotic if any woman would agree to that. 
 

Again, not everyone is that paranoid. And if you don’t want to meet at someone’s house why don’t you suggest something other the standard meet for drinks or coffee date? 

[elaine567]

If you are indeed successful as you claim, in luring girls to your house for a first date, then what's your problem?

[d0nnivain]

You are entitled to your preferences.  I hope you find someone who shares them.  

Understand that by expecting an at home 1st meet you have further narrowed a field that isn't that big to begin with.  Refusing to go to a stranger's house is not paranoid.  It's common sense. 

If you hate what you consider boring 1st meets for coffee or drinks, why don't you come up with a standard go to option that is fun for you, not to expensive but also public enough to afford a woman some level of comfort?  Meet to play mini-golf, take a walk in a park, have a small picnic, go sledding or ice skating.  There are active things one can do. 

As a woman, if you invited me to your home for the ideal date you envision I would conclude that you are boring lazy guy who can't even be bothered to put in the effort to meet me in public & that is how callously you would treat our relationship & my heart, that it's all about you.  Be wary of giving off this perception because I suspect you will turn off more women then you attract.  

You think the traditional meet in public is boring.  Fine.  IMO I can't imagine something worse or more boring then going to someone's home to try to get to know them.  I can only imagine how much more awkward those silences will be.  

Perhaps readjust your mindset.  That initial meet off OLD isn't a date.  It's a meet & greet whose sole purpose is to decide if you want to be in the other person's company for more then a few minutes.  

[Redguitar35]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are entitled to your preferences.  I hope you find someone who shares them.  

Understand that by expecting an at home 1st meet you have further narrowed a field that isn't that big to begin with.  Refusing to go to a stranger's house is not paranoid.  It's common sense. 

If you hate what you consider boring 1st meets for coffee or drinks, why don't you come up with a standard go to option that is fun for you, not to expensive but also public enough to afford a woman some level of comfort?  Meet to play mini-golf, take a walk in a park, have a small picnic, go sledding or ice skating.  There are active things one can do. 

As a woman, if you invited me to your home for the ideal date you envision I would conclude that you are boring lazy guy who can't even be bothered to put in the effort to meet me in public & that is how callously you would treat our relationship & my heart, that it's all about you.  Be wary of giving off this perception because I suspect you will turn off more women then you attract.  

You think the traditional meet in public is boring.  Fine.  IMO I can't imagine something worse or more boring then going to someone's home to try to get to know them.  I can only imagine how much more awkward those silences will be.  

Perhaps readjust your mindset.  That initial meet off OLD isn't a date.  It's a meet & greet whose sole purpose is to decide if you want to be in the other person's company for more then a few minutes.  

I shouldn’t have mentioned going over to someone’s house because it derailed the whole topic . I have nothing else to say about that and don’t want to argue about it. 

The point is, something other than the standard meet for drinks thing is desirable. It feels like a job interview, honestly.
You have to sit there, dressed nicely, and complement your date while validating your own assets and qualifications. You need to sound smart and interesting, expose your strengths but humble yourself with weaknesses, share your experiences, but not too much in case they start comparing what they can offer to what you've had before. You try to gauge if they will accept you in their company (see what I did there?) and tweak your responses to appeal to them even more. Then you have to calculate whether this person will be a long term gig for you, or if it's a temporary thing to fluff up your dating resume with an extra line of experience. At the end you shake hands (or hug or kiss) and thank them for their time. You might get a second or third rounds before the “position” is offered.
It’s a very cold and rigid way of doing things. Just like a job interview. 

[d0nnivain]

That's valid.  Taking the go to your house out of the equation helps. 

There has to be some beginning though.  You can't just jump to the middle where you are happy & comfortable because you know each other so well.   A 90s TV show Dharma & Greg was about a couple who hated dating so they decided to get married.  

You get there faster & avoid the "interview" date when you meet people IRL instead of off OLD.  When the world opens up again, try more in person ways of connecting: MeetUps, alumni events, volunteering, meeting through friends, at Church / worship, work related events like Expos, continuing education & chamber of commerce events.   You get to know somebody a bit more gradually so there is some foundation by the time you get to the actual 1st date  

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I’m not meeting anyone during the pandemic but I’m thinking of what it will be like after the virus is got under control and I put myself back out there on dating apps.

One issue is that I hate dates in the beginning. I hate the initial meetup which is usually a boring meet for drinks type of thing. There was one date like that that turned out well (I guess because she was just really interested) but the vast majority of those first dates were so awkward and dull and formulaic. I don’t want to drop dollars for some dull conversation at a coffee shop. These meetings felt like job interviews and were just not much fun for me. I suspect that this is how a lot of people become burnt out on dating. They go on a ton of these types of dates that are all the same and it gets repetitive. I don’t want to do that. 

At a certain point I decided I was never going to do another “date” for a first meet and just exclusively met up with people who were willing to come over to my house or vice versa and watch a movie or play a board game. Dates are only enjoyable to me once I already know the person and am already in a relationship with them. Otherwise it feels forced.

Has anyone else felt this way?

I hate the job interview type dates, just not me...I take it as a personal challenge not to mess with the questions too much.  Not so sure about the movie...generally considered not a great thing because of no conversation....I think the key is conversation and finding people who like to talk about what you do.  

Just talk about something you are passionate about.  I use the initial reaching out/messaging to suss out if she is interested at least one topic I am, if there is like zero connect then I don't ask to meet.  It's not perfect, still get the odd job interview, and admittedly there has been a few times where I let her looks override my better judgment.  On the former just keep the meet short, on the later took a while to learn that there are plenty of women I consider smoking hot my types who are also interesting...just a little patience and well worth it.

Now board games, had a date once suggest a pub/board game place as a first (they have 100s you can play for free and a real meet up place for 20 somethings) that was a real blast.  Another we went to a place where you paint together, talk about amore.   

I do love my pints though, so never had an issue with the meet for a drink type date...I could talk about music, philosophy, art, making, history, physics, kids (as have a few), cars, motorcycles, books, geography, mysticism, politics, religion, games, nature, farming, gardening, pets, science, ...even rain gauges and shovels   (and it always worked out well with every woman who go that last reference).  That's just the stuff I'd be primarily interested in.   

Inviting people to your place or going to theirs before they know you....kind of a red flag for many.  As nice as you may seem, they don't know you and if you are not nice there is real danger in putting yourself in such a position.

[smackie9]

I was going to say.....a poor musician always blames his instrument. You can't sit back and throw a couple of dollars down on a coffee and expect magic....you have to be the magic with applying enthusiasm, sense of humor, and be fun...and of course go into it with a positive attitude.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Redguitar35 said:

I haven’t been, A lot of girls do it. Not everyone is that paranoid. If they were I wouldn’t think they’d be doing online dating in the first place. 

Not sure what your issue is then?  Just do this and avoid the whole meet for coffee or drinks thing.  Problem solved.

[Ellener]

18 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Dates are only enjoyable to me once I already know the person and am already in a relationship with them. Otherwise it feels forced.

I worked for the Probation Service in England and did risk assessment professionally and even so you would have to talk to me some weeks or months to come to your home/my home.

Women have to consider their safety, that's why they won't come to your home as a first date.

Just the fact you don't get that is a massive red flag for a woman. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inflammatory statements.

[Azincourt]

It's not just that. Who invites a woman off the internet to his own home, someone he doesn't know from anywhere?

What if she's dangerous? What if she has mental issues and then begins to stalk you? You should only reveal the location of the place you live in after you know the person you're dating is mentally sane and not likely to make your life a living hell by stalking you or whatever.

[Redguitar35]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

That's valid.  Taking the go to your house out of the equation helps. 

There has to be some beginning though.  You can't just jump to the middle where you are happy & comfortable because you know each other so well.   A 90s TV show Dharma & Greg was about a couple who hated dating so they decided to get married.  

You get there faster & avoid the "interview" date when you meet people IRL instead of off OLD.  When the world opens up again, try more in person ways of connecting: MeetUps, alumni events, volunteering, meeting through friends, at Church / worship, work related events like Expos, continuing education & chamber of commerce events.   You get to know somebody a bit more gradually so there is some foundation by the time you get to the actual 1st date  

I don’t want to go the IRL route. At least with OLD you know people are looking specifically for sex/relationships/etc. IRL it’s just luck and guesswork. Most folks do not want to be approached IRL. I only had one partner I met IRL back in college more than ten years ago. Since then all the other partners were from OLD. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by Redguitar35

[kismetkismet]

I haaaaaated the first couple of dates when I was single. I'm introverted and find the initial small talk exhausting.

Unfortunately, the solution isn't to just leap over the first 5 dates and jump right into netflix and chill. That's not going to go over well with most girls because a) They'll assume you're just trying to sleep with them b) You can't get to know someone while watching a movie and c) it's completely unsafe to go to a strangers' house that you just met on the internet. 

Maybe try doing a different type of activity for your first dates. I used to always suggest drinks because a beer or two made the small talk less painful. But if you prefer not to drink an activity like a walk/hike/board game bar/mini golf(?) might help keep the date flowing. I've always found that having something to DO made things less awkward because when there are lulls in the conversation you're not just sitting there in silence staring at each other

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Redguitar35 said:

I don’t want to go the IRL route. At least with OLD you know people are looking specifically for sex/relationships/etc. IRL it’s just luck and guesswork. Most folks do not want to be approached IRL. I only had one partner I met IRL back in college more than ten years ago. Since then all the other partners were from OLD. 

That is a choice.  I hated OLD.  I found it frustrating.  But with OLD you have to do that 1st meet thing you hate.  With IRL you get to know somebody through whatever group it is & you should be able to ascertain interest (or lack thereof) before you go for the ask.   

Would you be open to a singles thing. . .specifically designed to meet people?  Like OLD where you know people are looking, you would have basis to know somebody was looking based on their attendance? 

I can't speak to a Covid world but there used to be niche singles events were you could meet to play board games, talk about books, drink wine, taste various beers, etc.  I went to one called Leashes & Lovers where you could bring your dog.  I brought my Dalmatian (of course).  As one of the few women there who did not have dog that fit in my purse so I got a lot of attention -- lol.  When I met the man who is now my husband, I had signed up for but hadn't yet attended this thing where you play a foursome of golf. . .2 men & 2 women.  I figured even if the company wasn't a great match, at least it was a round of golf.   So look for those kinds of things assuming they still exist.