New to dating and afraid

[Clair84]

Dear all, hope this letter finds you well! I need your advise. Im 36, have been working at sea for 10 yrs. My career has made it very difficult to meet Mr Right as the good ones onboard are married and Ive never been home long enough to build a solid connection with someone on land.

Enter Covid19, for the first time in 10 yrs Ive been home for 7 months and what do you know...I met a great guy! We met during lockdown on an online dating website (Elite Singles) and been together for 3 months. We have a really beautiful connection. He is smart, independent, affectionate, emotionally mature and compassionate. Everything a woman wants in a man. He made it official after 2 months and has declared his love for me. 

The only one issue is that he was married before, been divorced for 2 yrs and this woman wrecked him. Although everything is going well, he gets these weird spells where I cant figure out if its because he is not genuine or if he is playing some kind of game in order to protect himself from getting hurt. We have these amazing dates however as soon as the date end he goes quiet and cold. 

Ive very gently and calmly had a conversation with him explaining how I feel. And he responded very positively and stated that he is bad at texting? Hence why he goes quiet.

This confused the hell out of me because his actions speak love but is this just a bad excuse? Am I being played? Or is he playing the cool card? Acting cold in between dates however on the actual dates he is fantastic.  After the conversation I was hoping this behavior would stop however it hasn’t.  

I feel like on dates we go 3 steps forward and in between I go 3 steps back doubting him because of this weird contrast.

Please tell me what you think, I need your important point of view. Much love xx

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Clair84 said:

We met during lockdown on an online dating website (Elite Singles) and been together for 3 months. We have a really beautiful connection. He is smart, independent, affectionate, emotionally mature and compassionate.

he responded very positively and stated that he is bad at texting?

Texting is not dating. In person interaction and actions in general matter n more. However if you feel there are communication incompatibilities, take note. Slow down on the texting. Check in here and there. how often do you see each other in person? 

[Clair84]

Hi Wiseman2, 

So because he doesn't communicate in between, I also don't. So the communication is bad, but I am not at all showering him with texts. The pattern is now that we see each other on Wednesday evenings and weekends which is enough for me. However I still get in my head and worry that I might get hurt if Im not on top of the red flags.

[Sunnyzwei1989]

This is an orange flag to me.  Does he prefer talking on the phone?  You should have some kind of communication going on in between dates. And he should initiate it.  It doesn’t take much to shoot a quick text to ask how someone’s day is or what they are up to.  
 

I would back off on texting like pp mentioned and see where it goes.  If he still doesn’t reach out you should bring it up to him.  If nothing changes then From there you have to decide if you can deal with it or if it’s a deal breaker.  

[schlumpy]

Is he an introvert? There are various degrees of introversion but the one common factor is that they need alone time to recharge. They can go to a party or on a date and have a good time and please people but it's at a great cost to their personal energy. They will will need to retreat from life for awhile.

That sounds like what is happening here.

Hope that helps.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

It doesn't sound good. Something I learned in my last relationship is that some people are so jaded from a failed past relationship that they'll have difficulties fully embracing a new one. People shouldn't be dating till they've dealt with the trauma of past failures, worked through them, and healed. It's something I'll definitely screen for carefully in the future, because if someone hasn't done that, you will hit a wall with them eventually.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Clair84 said:

Hi Wiseman2, 

So because he doesn't communicate in between, I also don't. So the communication is bad, but I am not at all showering him with texts. The pattern is now that we see each other on Wednesday evenings and weekends which is enough for me. However I still get in my head and worry that I might get hurt if Im not on top of the red flags.

Hard to say....

 

you are sering each other teice twice a week.  I’m assuming face to face.

 

i don’t like texting. To me texting is purpose driven like asking a simp,e question and you don’t need an answer right nowor it’s a large group conversation.

i prefer talking on the phone.

in early dating where a date might be more talking than doing.  I wouldn’t talk between so I had stuff to talk about.

Some guys are like this.  What does he do for a career?

 

[Clair84]

7 hours ago, Sunnyzwei1989 said:

This is an orange flag to me.  Does he prefer talking on the phone?  You should have some kind of communication going on in between dates. And he should initiate it.  It doesn’t take much to shoot a quick text to ask how someone’s day is or what they are up to.  
 

I would back off on texting like pp mentioned and see where it goes.  If he still doesn’t reach out you should bring it up to him.  If nothing changes then From there you have to decide if you can deal with it or if it’s a deal breaker.  

Hi Sunny, no unfortunately he doesn't call either. He does text but seldom and the texts are blunt and repetitive. Yet I need to emphasize that he is amazing and very attentive on every single date. Huge contrast!

[Clair84]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Hard to say....

 

you are sering each other teice twice a week.  I’m assuming face to face.

 

i don’t like texting. To me texting is purpose driven like asking a simp,e question and you don’t need an answer right nowor it’s a large group conversation.

i prefer talking on the phone.

in early dating where a date might be more talking than doing.  I wouldn’t talk between so I had stuff to talk about.

Some guys are like this.  What does he do for a career?

 

Hi Ami, we actually see each other about 3/4 times per week. Weekends are always jam packed with activities. He is an Electronic Engineer. Im thinking it has something to do with his previous marriage, there is a block there. My gut is telling me he is acting cold in order for myself to stay interested in his mind? Or if you look at all the dating advise for men out there, they all say to only “communicate only when you set up the date, the woman should do most of the communicating” 

 

[Clair84]

7 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Is he an introvert? There are various degrees of introversion but the one common factor is that they need alone time to recharge. They can go to a party or on a date and have a good time and please people but it's at a great cost to their personal energy. They will will need to retreat from life for awhile.

That sounds like what is happening here.

Hope that helps.

 

Hi Schlumpy, actually we both are introverts. I understand completely what you are saying about needing the space to recharge. Im the same however I personally would still check in if I were him,  to me that would be my normal thinking.

[Clair84]

7 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It doesn't sound good. Something I learned in my last relationship is that some people are so jaded from a failed past relationship that they'll have difficulties fully embracing a new one. People shouldn't be dating till they've dealt with the trauma of past failures, worked through them, and healed. It's something I'll definitely screen for carefully in the future, because if someone hasn't done that, you will hit a wall with them eventually.

Thank you Ruby, yes it is kind of alarming. I guess I just have to keep my eye on it. Very confusing!

[d0nnivain]

You are seeing him 3-4 times per week.  There is some communication in between & you are complaining?   Stop.  Short blunt texts are the way the medium is to be used.  You want a long conversation, use the phone.  Texting is not for drawn out communication.  If it takes more then a few words you are in the wrong medium.  

You have only known this man for 3 months & this is your 1st adult relationship.   Calm down. 

He's still a relatively new person in your life.  You don't talk to new people daily, & certainly not multiple times per day.  Your expectations are out of whack.  It's not a ship where you trip over people constantly.  

He has a job & a life.  After a great date he needs to recharge his batteries.  Yet you want constant attention.  Your neediness is unattractive & it will ruin this.  Give the poor man some space.  You are getting a LOT of attention from him.  Yet you seem to want to be smothered while he wants room to breathe.  

This has nothing to do with his previous marriage.  He's open to you & treating you well. You like spending time together. He's not playing games, trying to make you yearn for him.  He needs time to himself.   It has everything to do with him being an introvert.  He needs solitude to recharge.  If you care about him, give him his down time.  If you don't, you are making this relationship one sided, all about you, what you need & how you would go about things regardless of what he wants & needs.  Does that sound like you are being a good partner.  

[Fletch Lives]

17 hours ago, Clair84 said:

The only one issue is that he was married before, been divorced for 2 yrs and this woman wrecked him. Although everything is going well, he gets these weird spells where I cant figure out if its because he is not genuine or if he is playing some kind of game in order to protect himself from getting hurt. We have these amazing dates however as soon as the date end he goes quiet and cold. 

He's on the rebound, not totally over his divorce yet. He may get over it in time, or there is a chance you could breakup. You'll have to decide whether or not you want to gamble and stay with him and try to ride out the storm. 

Counseling may help, but there is no guarantee.

[Marka]

After dating somebody for 3 months I would expect daily contact from him. Would be surprised if guy who is in love does not want to contact his love interest on daily basis. Would think he is not that into me, which is surprising after being together for 3 months. Or he is emotionally unavailable due to his divorce or any other psychological issue. In any case proceed with caution.

Edited October 14, 2020 by Marka

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, Marka said:

After dating somebody for 3 months I would expect daily contact from him. Would be surprised if guy who is in love does not want to contact his love interest on daily basis. Would think he is not that into me, which is surprising after being together for 3 months. Or he is emotionally unavailable due to his divorce or any other psychological issue. In any case proceed with caution.

I'd feel smothered by daily contact a mere 90 days in & would run for the hills.  I'm not an emotionally unavailable person but I am a slow build up person.  I don't just turn the firehose of my emotions on full blast in the beginning.  

Neither view point is wrong & the need for some solitude doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.  You have different styles.  Don't dump him or pressure him at this point. Be more understanding.  

[hippychick3]

I’d feel very disconnected if someone I was dating did not keep in touch in between dates. I’d want that person to care about me and my daily activities even when not physically together. It isn’t too much to expect a sweet “hello” or “how is your day going?” each day. 
 

I’d just come out and tell him (in a non confrontational way) that you’re feeling a disconnect by not staying in touch in between dates. I think that’s important for the relationship to really grow. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by hippychick3

[SumGuy]

19 hours ago, Clair84 said:

Dear all, hope this letter finds you well! I need your advise. Im 36, have been working at sea for 10 yrs. My career has made it very difficult to meet Mr Right as the good ones onboard are married and Ive never been home long enough to build a solid connection with someone on land.

Enter Covid19, for the first time in 10 yrs Ive been home for 7 months and what do you know...I met a great guy! We met during lockdown on an online dating website (Elite Singles) and been together for 3 months. We have a really beautiful connection. He is smart, independent, affectionate, emotionally mature and compassionate. Everything a woman wants in a man. He made it official after 2 months and has declared his love for me. 

The only one issue is that he was married before, been divorced for 2 yrs and this woman wrecked him. Although everything is going well, he gets these weird spells where I cant figure out if its because he is not genuine or if he is playing some kind of game in order to protect himself from getting hurt. We have these amazing dates however as soon as the date end he goes quiet and cold. 

Ive very gently and calmly had a conversation with him explaining how I feel. And he responded very positively and stated that he is bad at texting? Hence why he goes quiet.

This confused the hell out of me because his actions speak love but is this just a bad excuse? Am I being played? Or is he playing the cool card? Acting cold in between dates however on the actual dates he is fantastic.  After the conversation I was hoping this behavior would stop however it hasn’t.  

I feel like on dates we go 3 steps forward and in between I go 3 steps back doubting him because of this weird contrast.

Please tell me what you think, I need your important point of view. Much love xx

As a person who likes texting, but has a girlfriend who does not...I can say a persons low level of texting in itself is no indication of low interest.   Take it together with other behavior.  So it is not necessarily an excuse, nor are you necessarily being played.  I have felt the same thing too as my GF texts her kids no problem...but being a parent I know that is different.  Also we are older, so we spent a vast majority of our lives in a world without text and having relationships that went along just fine without them.  Despite all that it does still bug me at times but consider myself lucky that her texting habits constitute the biggest "flaw" I can find.  

I learned quite does not equal cold.  Also if from time to time he takes it slower that does not mean cold.  You have only been together for 3 months, you are likely just beginning to get really below the surface in knowing each other.  This communication style is part of that, a learning of love languages and such.

It is a good sign you can talk to him about it, and does he try to change?  I know he may try and then go back to old ways, but the trying is a good sign.

Edited October 14, 2020 by SumGuy

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, hippychick3 said:

 It isn’t too much to expect a sweet “hello” or “how is your day going?” each day. 

I can't stress this enough, what some people & many on this thread is the bare minimum to others, like me, feels like a burden.  I actually broke up with a guy who texted me every day.  When he started it, I was wary.   I asked him to stop because the good mornings were bothersome.  It felt intrusive.  He didn't stop.  I ended it because it was too overwhelming & he wasn't respecting my wishes.  

In the beginning, I need a lot of space.  I do not want to talk to a new person every day.  I want time to think about the relationship & how we fit together. I do not want to hear from a new person every day.  When people bombard me with insipid throw-away empty messages I find it annoying.  

It doesn't mean that somebody new doesn't care.  It just means you have different levels.  Before you just throw him away, see if you can find a compromise.  Yes that may mean he reaches out more then he wants but it also has to mean that you may get less contact that you want.  

[hippychick3]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I can't stress this enough, what some people & many on this thread is the bare minimum to others, like me, feels like a burden.  I actually broke up with a guy who texted me every day.  When he started it, I was wary.   I asked him to stop because the good mornings were bothersome.  It felt intrusive.  He didn't stop.  I ended it because it was too overwhelming & he wasn't respecting my wishes.  

In the beginning, I need a lot of space.  I do not want to talk to a new person every day.  I want time to think about the relationship & how we fit together. I do not want to hear from a new person every day.  When people bombard me with insipid throw-away empty messages I find it annoying.  

It doesn't mean that somebody new doesn't care.  It just means you have different levels.  Before you just throw him away, see if you can find a compromise.  Yes that may mean he reaches out more then he wants but it also has to mean that you may get less contact that you want.  

I know. You and I have contributed to many of these kinds of posts with very different  views on this.  This is why I suggested she talk to him in a non-confrontational way about it rather than just end the relationship. I know for me, this would not work and it appears that it is not working for the OP either. 

[d0nnivain]

@hippychick3is right.  You both have to talk, @Clair84. 

My only point is don't throw the baby out with the bathwater based on what I or anybody else on some message board thinks without actually discussing it with your guy.   There may be a middle ground.  Look for it before you give up.  

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Clair84 said:

He made it official after 2 months and has declared his love for me. 

he responded very positively and stated that he is bad at texting? After the conversation I was hoping this behavior would stop however it hasn’t.  

You don't need to talk at him again about this. He's set in his ways and that is, he doesn't like texting. You can text him here and there. Things to observe here are that after just 8 weeks dating, you want him to change. Another id being so afraid of being hurt and so afraid of "red fags", etc. Make sure you are ready to date. No one will be a custom fit, so you need to reflect on your priorities.

Edited October 14, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Ami1uwant]

15 hours ago, Clair84 said:

Hi Ami, we actually see each other about 3/4 times per week. Weekends are always jam packed with activities. He is an Electronic Engineer. Im thinking it has something to do with his previous marriage, there is a block there. My gut is telling me he is acting cold in order for myself to stay interested in his mind? Or if you look at all the dating advise for men out there, they all say to only “communicate only when you set up the date, the woman should do most of the communicating” 

 

 

 

Im a guy.  If you haven’t dated much then no contact is good. If you are seeing each other constantly then there might be something else

 

1 he doesn’t communicate by text

2. He  has a form of aspergers thus he acts oddHave you met up with him and he was quiet?  What did you say?

[Ruby Slippers]

7 hours ago, hippychick3 said:

I know for me, this would not work and it appears that it is not working for the OP either. 

Same. Every boyfriend I've had has contacted me daily from the first date. I quickly lost interest in anyone who didn't. I'm sure those types click better with women like @d0nnivain who like a lot more space. 

[ms.stressed]

I think it's cute. I'm new to dating as well! Some people, are afraid to get attached or express their feelings, because they want to protect themselves. 

 

Keep going with the flow. Don't read too much in it, other than positivity and good vibes.

 

Some people, like my, are reticent (that's what I've been called), they hold back. Give it time. Those type of people are usually the most genuine so you don't want to lose them. 

[Marka]

Well okay, he might not like texting, but he doesn't call her either. He can go days without knowing how is she doing. I'm not talking about Good morning text (I'm not a big fan of them either), but simple hey, how is it going, how was your day? I mean text take 5 sec and a call 10-15 mins. He doesn't contact her in between the dates, because he doesn't want. OP needs to decide whether she is happy with a man who does not want to contact her. I dated a guy like that, and it hasn't changed after 4 months. I ended it and found another guy who proactively showed interest in my life. Felt so much better! 

I also dated a guy with Asperger and he did contact me between the dates. The guy was also in his 40ies and by that time guys with Aspergers are experienced enough to know how to initiate and maintain communication and show a girl that he is interested.