Author TheBlingRing14 Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 34 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: i thought this might be why he kept asking you where you were & was irritated that you wouldn't tell him. Ok, interesting thread. While it's over, one important thing I got from it that you can work on (same as your other thread) is stop trying so hard. Even with your other thread, you are doing virtually the same things, just swung the other way on some spectrum. Try to Just have fun and have that be the only goal for the handful of first dates. Think like a friend that you feel flirty towards. It will probably take off some of the pressure you put on yourself and that causes all the manipulations and overthinking. And yes you can and should do the multi-dating for the same reason. Lots of things you can do for your overthinking--look into that in the meantime. I think you have a funny, witty personality--it's in your writing with good jokes and one liners. Don't let all this other stuff get in the way. Good luck Thank you so much for your sweet final statement. It occurs me that I didn't really go back to the night BEFORE the conversation that blew everything up. At the time, it seemed to be irrelevant and doesn't really matter. Now, thinking over things, putting things into context...now it seems like maybe there was more to the story. So....let's wind the clock back. His mom had been in town that weekend. I am not sure if I have mentioned that before. But, he had stayed in contact with me throughout the weekend here and there. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then, Sunday she went home, and we continued texting as would be normal. He early in the evening if I wanted to watch a movie later (via phone/Skype) I agreed, and then I never heard from him the rest of the night. I figured it had been a long weekend for him, he probably passed out, and I fell asleep myself. No big deal. Well, when I woke up early the next morning, I had a text from him from about midnight or 1 am saying, "Hey where'd you disappear to?" I thought this was strange, since he was the one who had disappeared, not me. I figured it was some weird glitch with technology, and made a mental note that the next time I saw him, we needed to compare our text conversations, because it seemed like certain messages were not always coming through. (This happened on a number of occasions) But, looking back at it now, with clear eyes, there was certainly a gap in time there that maybe someone reached out to him, maybe he reached out to someone else, and a get together at his house, after being with his Mom all weekend....I can see how it may have been appealing. In any case, when I woke up the next morning, I replied, and he was up at like 5:30 am (strange for him) and our conversation began from there. There were no time gaps during that talk, except for about 20 minutes when he showered. So, if there was a woman there, he wasn't doing anything with her during that time frame. Considering the nature of our conversation that morning, I would be really sad if in fact there was someone else there. Not surprised, though. He wouldn't be the first guy to text sexually suggestive/explicit things to a woman, while another woman is in his bed, and I am sure he wouldn't be the last. I could be completely off base, I could be completely wrong, but with the time frame of him disappearing the night before, him being anxious about where I was, him ghosting me....things are starting to add up, at least in my mind.
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I could be completely off base, I could be completely wrong, but with the time frame of him disappearing the night before, him being anxious about where I was, him ghosting me....things are starting to add up, at least in my mind. I've read your entire thread, Bling. As to the above, I wouldn't waste time thinking about it because there's no way to know. It seems to me he was interested at first but became frustrated because he couldn't figure out what was going on with you the day you wanted a spontaneous meetup, he asked you for lunch, and you rejected. The communications you posted that happened after that seemed to follow the pattern of you hesitating when he called which was further confusing. I'd also guess that the months you were in contact before this incident you described at the first of the thread were also filled with ambiguous conversations with you. By the time this incident took place he was just plain worn out! And done. Now he's letting things die a slow death. What struck me about your thread was mentioned by someone else, I think it may have been poppyfields. It is that throughout this thread as you report back each new chapter in it, it's always about you. It seems to me you were raised in an environment where everyone around you catered to your poor communication skills with the result being you think it's all about you and also you haven't learned how to be considerate with others. I don't mean to be harsh. It's just an observation. Since you were catered to (you did say near the first of the thread that those who know you have learned to allow for your poor communication skills because they know "how you are.") you didn't learn to develop good interpersonal skills. Until you learn that relationships go much better when you think about others, their preferences, their conveniences, as you interact with them you're going to continue to have problems. This guy got worn out with your issues at the first but he's in the habit of communicating with you. At this point, though, he doesn't seem into you anymore and will probably continue to disrespect you. 2
Versacehottie Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 10 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Thank you so much for your sweet final statement. It occurs me that I didn't really go back to the night BEFORE the conversation that blew everything up. At the time, it seemed to be irrelevant and doesn't really matter. Now, thinking over things, putting things into context...now it seems like maybe there was more to the story. So....let's wind the clock back. His mom had been in town that weekend. I am not sure if I have mentioned that before. But, he had stayed in contact with me throughout the weekend here and there. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then, Sunday she went home, and we continued texting as would be normal. He early in the evening if I wanted to watch a movie later (via phone/Skype) I agreed, and then I never heard from him the rest of the night. I figured it had been a long weekend for him, he probably passed out, and I fell asleep myself. No big deal. Well, when I woke up early the next morning, I had a text from him from about midnight or 1 am saying, "Hey where'd you disappear to?" I thought this was strange, since he was the one who had disappeared, not me. I figured it was some weird glitch with technology, and made a mental note that the next time I saw him, we needed to compare our text conversations, because it seemed like certain messages were not always coming through. (This happened on a number of occasions) But, looking back at it now, with clear eyes, there was certainly a gap in time there that maybe someone reached out to him, maybe he reached out to someone else, and a get together at his house, after being with his Mom all weekend....I can see how it may have been appealing. In any case, when I woke up the next morning, I replied, and he was up at like 5:30 am (strange for him) and our conversation began from there. There were no time gaps during that talk, except for about 20 minutes when he showered. So, if there was a woman there, he wasn't doing anything with her during that time frame. Considering the nature of our conversation that morning, I would be really sad if in fact there was someone else there. Not surprised, though. He wouldn't be the first guy to text sexually suggestive/explicit things to a woman, while another woman is in his bed, and I am sure he wouldn't be the last. I could be completely off base, I could be completely wrong, but with the time frame of him disappearing the night before, him being anxious about where I was, him ghosting me....things are starting to add up, at least in my mind. oh sure, you are really funny in your writing style & bet you have a great personality. The self-deprecation is funny. I think with guys though you just have to be careful that you aren't overanalyzing things to death. I think you can bottom line a lot of what happened here. He had interest, and then lost interest. He was likely multi-dating. So some horses pull out front or he is into the multi-dating that every girl feels like a shiny new toy (more likely in his case IMO). He sounds like a gaslighter (bolded) and player or wannabe player. BUT that said you try too hard. You can't want a relationship so badly (or get caught up in some fixed belief about yourself) that you fail to see good treatment and progressing relationship vs one that is mistreatment or that YOU should put on the back burner. I think in one way that I almost always advocate learning from your mistakes and doing your best--then you won't get caught up in the regret, overthinking, trying to fix things---you will be confident that you put your best foot forward and what this person encountered of you, was YOU--you at your best. It should give you the confidence to see shortcomings in the relationship due to him or an incompatibility if what you "give" is good you and good human interaction. Sound reasonable? So yeah I do think you can do better on your end (bolded 2nd IMO is too much monitoring for a new relationship). Lol, you might call yourself type A but this type of stuff is exactly why type A girls have a bit of a problem getting into a relationship....it's a little intense and neurotic. No one really wants to sign up to be controlled and monitored and checked up on; it can be smothering. Much like your other thread where you were trying to be more direct and smothered the flame with all the confirming, confrontation, flip-flopping the place (all for a first date). However, you can find your chill pill, I suggest finding it lol! Um, has it ever occurred to you that "Mom" was actually some other girl this guy was dating. Maybe he wasn't literally with her the morning you said you were coming over but with this other girl the weekend his "Mom" was visiting. Then was tired and his place showed evidence of the weekend. Just a thought. Anyway it doesn't do any good to keep going over it (because i think it's just fuel for more overthinking and another obstacle for next time) other than find the balance between keeping your eyes OPEN (without monitoring your partners) and not being a person who carries baggage or trauma from these small slights or even bigger ones. You just need to have an inner confidence where you are evaluating IF a guy meets your idea of what you would allow in your life and be checking that at every step of the way (internally). So if you do it externally by trying to outmaneuver or manipulate the situation or monitor what he's doing and what it means, the focus goes on him and you lose your real purpose which should be finding someone that meets your needs and makes you happy. Try to simplify how you evaluate this stuff. Good luck
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted December 7, 2020 Author Posted December 7, 2020 Hello, old friends. I can't believe I am reviving this old thread, but alas....here we are. We had a good run, didn't we? I haven't talked to the Ghost in about 6 weeks. The truth is, I have been pretty busy with life, and while I have been trying to meet guys, I've just been too busy to really hunker down and focus on the dating thing right now. I go on there periodically when I have time, but then I get busy and a few days goes by, and then by the time I get back, anyone I've tried to start talking to usually has moved on. Eh, it happens. I think I mentioned previously in the thread, but maybe I didn't....but at the time of this thread, there was an activity that he regularly participated in, that he had gone completely inactive from for several weeks. This was part of what made me think that he had something, or someone, going on in his life, beyond just his annoyance with me. I know I didn't do myself any favors, and I take responsibility for that, but it just always felt like there was more to the story. Anyway, after about 4 weeks, I noticed that he was back to that activity. Now, bear in mind, that the most he had ever gone before was maybe 4 days...maybe...but it was typically every 2-3 days. So 4 weeks was certainly way, way, WAY out of the ordinary. Anyway, like I said, I've been busy. At that point, I was talking to a couple of guys, so while I noticed it and made a mental note that "Well, at least he's not dead," it was sort of in one ear and out the other. So then, not long after he resumed his hobby, I would say it was maybe a week later...I get onto Tinder and....we've matched. Which, I was a little stunned, to be honest. Now...right after he ghosted me, when I was on Tinder trying to get the heck over him, I came across him, and swiped right, just to see what would happen. Well, as it turned out, nothing happened...I wasn't surprised. Then, weeks later, I got a match. And not just a match...a "Superlike." Now, I am not a huge fan of Tinder, and I especially don't really do the Superlike thing. But the fact is...a Superlike is intentional, very intentional. And considering where and how things left off, it definitely seemed strange that he would want to strongly match with me. It also seemed strange to me that....why doesn't he just reach out? If he really did want to re-kindle things....or even not re-kindle things, but just be in contact with each other again.....he could have just texted me, ya know? Anyway....I ignored it. Then, about 2 weeks or so after that, I get a text from him. "Happy Thanksgiving." I'm not putting a ton of stock in it. Theoretically, it could have been a mass text to everyone in his contacts. Now, to be fair, knowing what I know of him and his personality.....he doesn't seem like a mass holiday text guy. So...my guess is it was a direct text to me, something to break the ice maybe. But, like I said, not putting a lot of stock in it. I didn't reply. For one, it was Thanksgiving and I was busy with family. And for two...just no. But, the combination...between him being back to regular with his activities AND the Superlike AND the text....not only do I think it seems like he is at least trying to get back in contact with me...but now, more than ever, I am even more convinced that something was going on....maybe it was something completely out of his control. Maybe it was something related to a woman and it was within his control. Anyway....where I am right now....I am not saying I want or intend to forgive him. I do feel like....if he does reach out again...like I want to at least reply, at the very least not ignore him as I have been. I'd like to see if he has some sort of explanation, and the curious part of me wonders what happened in his life. And IFFF....we're talking a huge if here....he seems contrite, he seems changed, and he has sort a major life event that happened, I guess I could se myself coming around on the forgiveness thing. I don't expect that, though. I expect he'll be the same, act like nothing even happen...which...no bueno, sir.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 I think you need to just let this one go altogether. You didn't reply to his Thanksgiving text (understandable), and it's too late now. I wouldn't expect any more attempts at communication from him. You've given him the very clear signal that you're not interested. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: between him being back to regular with his activities AND the Superlike AND the text....not only do I think it seems like he is at least trying to get back in contact with me.. Unfortunately, it seems like he was busy dating others and hit a dry spell, so decided to backtrack with some breadcrumbs to see if you bite. 4
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